More Legs chapter three - the one where there’s a little light at the end of the tunnel

[MoreLegsThanMe]

New thread. Can’t believe I’ve got to three.

It’s a good chance I think that they’ll stick together, happy or not. They’ve given away absolutely everything (although she still sees her children) so they do need each other don’t they.

I have my fingers crossed for the marriage certificate tomorrow. I really believe he thinks I wouldn’t go ahead with it. I also think it might prompt a flurry of messages asking what he’s supposed to do. Bloody pay a solicitor that’s what you can do.

I think of the two of us I will come out the other side better than him. I have the support of his family, all the DC, and you wonderful women. He has her and that’s it. I don’t know about her family and I’m sure as can be that the pair of them have created yet another lie as the backstory to how they met. Can’t exactly tell the truth can they. ANC in a few short years he’ll be 70. Yuk.

It still doesn’t feel like I’ll be better off at the end but I’m hoping that feeling will come.

If anyone knows how to link this thread to the old one can you let me know please?

x

The thing is legs, I know everything you’ve told us about him has come from a place of hurt and you were with him for 32 years so there must have been good times, but if we take emotions out of it from the info from the thread I can deduce:
He compartmentalises very very easily.
He has been unwell and has a dodgy heart
He doesn’t read people or the situation well. (Cookie gift)

So honestly knowing him as you do, do you really think he is capable of the intimacy that you are imagining? I think what you are imagining is the kind of intimacy that you would like, I think the reality is very different.

People who compartmentalise don’t switch easily from one thing to another, so rather than imagining them together, giggling over sweet nothings, its more likely her getting frustrated as his mind is occupied on researching the latest developments in his hobby, when she wants his attention. Has he ever really been the attentive kind of guy?

I’m pleased you had a lovely day out, I think it was long overdue and the wobble probably came again as last time you did this would have been as a family. Whereas now you are starting to make your own memories so he will be less relevant.

I’m afraid I would be one of the rowdy ones (not cliff jumping though) I love a wild swim and have just looked at the pics and I would definitely have my cossie on. But as long as people respect the countryside and take their rubbish home and leave it as you found it I think it’s ok.

I’m a good 9-12 months ahead of you @MoreLegsThanMe. My situation was very different to yours, but the result is the same...

I think less and less about him and the OW, but I did wake a few mornings ago having had a very vivid dream about having to sleep in the same room as him, the OW, her son and two puppies. (I desperately want a dog)

So, much of my conscious mind has unhooked itself from these visions, but my subconscious mind has plainly not.

I think the pandemic, lockdowns and SD have left us all starved of intimacy, holding and touch.

Again, don’t be too hard on yourself. We’re in unusual times, dealing with life changing situations. Don’t forget to cut yourself some slack.

On the upside, I have a new man in my life who just loves hugs...

Ps have pm’d you I think you’ve been a bit too identifiable in your post today 💐

@Billybagpuss

The thing is legs, I know everything you’ve told us about him has come from a place of hurt and you were with him for 32 years so there must have been good times, but if we take emotions out of it from the info from the thread I can deduce: He compartmentalises very very easily. He has been unwell and has a dodgy heart He doesn’t read people or the situation well. (Cookie gift)

So honestly knowing him as you do, do you really think he is capable of the intimacy that you are imagining? I think what you are imagining is the kind of intimacy that you would like, I think the reality is very different.

People who compartmentalise don’t switch easily from one thing to another, so rather than imagining them together, giggling over sweet nothings, its more likely her getting frustrated as his mind is occupied on researching the latest developments in his hobby, when she wants his attention. Has he ever really been the attentive kind of guy?

I’m pleased you had a lovely day out, I think it was long overdue and the wobble probably came again as last time you did this would have been as a family. Whereas now you are starting to make your own memories so he will be less relevant.

I’m afraid I would be one of the rowdy ones (not cliff jumping though) I love a wild swim and have just looked at the pics and I would definitely have my cossie on. But as long as people respect the countryside and take their rubbish home and leave it as you found it I think it’s ok.

Elite post ⭐️

Take comfort in everything @Billybagpuss has written, Legs. X

Hi Legs, I think you will have periods like this Legs, you saying you felt out of sorts after you had been out for the day.
I think it's a combination of the day wearing you out and coming back home and feeling there is something missing. It will pass the more you venture out and begin participating in life.
I think it can be your minds reluctance to let go and move on, so much stimuli to bring back memories, just be aware that it may happen and you will feel better when home and rested.

It's very normal, as too is the feeling of missing him, of course you will but I bet you if you saw him again it wouldn't be long before you realised, he wasn't as warm as you remember.
It won't be long until your yearning for him turns to factual realisation that he's just not a pleasant man. In fact he was just a very disloyal man who turned his back on his family. Future events will show him what a fool he has been, family occasions will occur where he will be a bit player in his childrens lives and for what ?

He isn't your friend anymore, your children will no longer trust him, he is an utter idiot, people will loose respect for him. I am so pleased that you have opened up to others for support, it means you no longer are keeping his dirty secret, I bet he hates you for that once word gets round what he has done.
Hold your head up Legs, there is no shame on your part and be confident that you always did the right thing, this now is the time for him to think, can't stay in a bubble forever.

Hopefully you've had a good time in the garden, make it lovely and don't be afraid to invite friends round, now you no longer have to think of that selfish git being arround.

Take care. x

Thank you x

And thanks to @Billybagpuss about the identifying beauty spot. I didn’t even give it a thought. Thank you!

And also Billy, I think you’re right about the sex/intimacy/whatever side of things. I think back to how it was for us before all this and the ED happened and I suppose I’m fixated on the fact that it will be exactly the same between them. But possibly not..

He’s never been particularly attentive, no. I’m imagining he will be with her because of what they’ve both done and he’ll feel the need to “prove” what he’s done is right, even if only to himself.

@ByeByeMissAmericanPie I’ve now had two very vivid, nonsensical dreams about them. So glad it’s not just me who has them. I do so envy you your new partner though.

@Onthedunes again, I think you have it spot on. It was strange having a day like that with him not there, it really was. It just means the DC and I will have to get out more as a foursome. The more we do it, the more normal it will feel.

He’s not a nice man is he. He’d be genuinely dumbstruck if someone suggested that to him. He’s never taken responsibility for anything he’s done, he lies on a daily basis, his DC hate him, his own family are indifferent at best, he had heart problems and a blow-up cock.

What a catch. What was I thinking all those years ago. How to throw your life away in one easy lesson.

Tomorrow is back outside in the fresh air. No doubt I’ll be running my taxi service, I think it’s for DD4 tomorrow.

Two firsts this month. DD2’s birthday and the anniversary of when he left. I think I’m prepared for how horrible those two days will be..

I’m doing it though, aren’t I.

x

Now you're getting it, Kiddo! I think you're definitely on the upward slide@MoreLegsThanMe

Hey you’re almost through with all the firsts, dd birthday won’t be nearly as bad as yours, or the other dc birthday as you’ve already done that, you know what to expect and can mentally prepare for it.

You are doing it and it’s a joy to watch the positivity gradually grow in you through your posts, every few days you have a wobble but those are getting farther between and you’re moving on quicker and you can identify the triggers of them. Where in the early days you tried to keep busy in the house, now you can focus on creating new memories with the family now things are opening up.

When are you meeting your friends for the walk?

And as you say there is the possibility he may be more attentive with her at the moment if he feels he has to be because of what he’s thrown away but I doubt he’s capable of sustaining it long term, he’s way too selfish.

There was a thread on here in the last week or so where the OP had split with dh due to affairs and general selfishness, he had gone off with and married OW. Ow has recently joined a walking group and op’s best friend is a member and she spends most of the time complaining to the friend (unaware of the link between op and friend, she was nasty to op too at the time of the split) her DH is awful, having affairs, treating her badly. Op was unfairly roasted for feeling smug but I did think of you reading it. People fundamentally don’t change, he can not maintain any change long term, because that’s not who he is.

While your DC will feel his loss, they won’t feel it as acutely as you have. YOU have been the keystone of this family. If you didn’t see this before now, you need to be told.

@Billybagpuss - I started reading that one! It was fabulous! I wish I could find them again - real life soap opera

Thank you x

I didn’t see that thread - I know whose side I’d have taken for sure.

Chased up the marriage certificate again yesterday - had to via email as phone just rang out. Reply just says I’ll hear from them in good time. At this rate I will end up issuing on the anniversary of the day he left.

I don’t know if they’ll marry and quite honestly couldn’t give a toss. There was a time when even thinking about it would have me floored, but now? Do what you bloody like. Can you imagine the ceremony ? Marrying someone with not one person from your own family there. The embarrassment!!

The only thing that can scare me now is the thought of her getting pregnant. Unlikely as it is, it could happen. I imagine my DS knows more about protected sex than those two morons. It’s just a little niggle taking up some headspace at the moment.

DS and I spoke with the orthodontist today and he will be fitted with braces when he reaches the top of the waiting list, which is currently six to eight months. DD4 has always wanted braces (??) so there was much stomping about and muttering when DS told her.

DD4 has been accepted to work as a volunteer at the local hospice. They seemed very impressed with her demeanour apparently (they obviously didn’t see the side of her she usually braces us with) and went into today for a couple of hours of safeguarding training. Considering she’s not seventeen until the end of August her maturity also impressed them, so I’ve added that to my boasting memories.

You know, when I’ve thought about them today there’s not really been any anger. It’s more resignation - do what the hell the pair of you want, but you want get near the DC. I wonder if this is another proper step forward?

@Billybagpuss no walk date set yet. I must get that sorted.

x

My shocking spelling - graces us with, not braces.

You won’t get near the DC.

x

Hi Legs

You are torturing yourself with these thoughts but they are natural, we've all been there.
You definitly sound as though you are getting to the next level, resignation with anger, I remember just walking arround talking to myself saying "piece of shit". It gets it out

Thats the thing Legs, you are getting there, slowly letting go of the idealistic vision you had of him, reality is coming and I say that in a good way because this will help you through the divorce finally seeing him for the man he is.
In the future, maybe they will split but you going through this trauma will change your view of him forever, it did with me, it meant no turning back.

It sounds as though your children are keeping you busy with their daily demands but make sure you take some time for you, try to accept invitations if you are up to it ,or tell them you are not quite ready but hopefully soon you will want to do stuff with them. You may feel stronger in a few months.

Still one day at a time Legs, you are doing it, you don't know how strong you are, the ladies on here think you are an inspiration !

Sleep well x

That really is a good step forward. They are becoming irrelevant in their space in your head.

She is an absolute idiot if she does get pregnant, but I would really fear for the baby. Xh is 60, he’s already had a pretty big health scare, coupled with not actually liking her existing kids, do you think he’d adapt to fatherhood again? And as for her, she’ll be bringing a kid into the world with the possibility of also having to be providing care for her partner in 10 years time. But with all this mess going on, you don’t need to be scared of it.

Have a good day.

Good morning MoreLegs.

Oh you are doing so, so well. It is lovely to hear you sounding so positive.

Good for getting out and about (shame about the sunburn) and well done DD4. I always think it is such a comfort that the average teen behaves impeccably in the outside world and only manifests their more unreasonable aspects in the bosom of their irritated family.

It is such a good sign that that feckless pair are taking up less and less space in your head. They're becoming insignificant to you. I can't see either of them wanting another child. They've abandoned the ones they had and your H's health is surely too frail to cope with the physical demands of caring for a baby now? I, too, would feel very sorry for any baby in that household of narcissists (using narcissist in its old-fashioned, everyday meaning rather than clinically).

Hope you're enjoying the sunshine. I am battling weeds. With all the rain we had in the last few weeks they have taken on Jack's beanstalk proportions. I suppose it makes it easier to get a decent grip on them.

Have a lovely day.

I've been following a while but haven't commented. I just wanted to say that the time will come when they become an irrelevance to you. My XH cheated on me and I was initially obsessed with thoughts of them, but over time I began to not even think about them and, on the occasions that I did, it was with pity for the lack of everything they had - our children. My XH once called me, after about 6 months, apparently suicidal and all I had to offer him by way of empathy was "have you told her you feel this way?" It wasn't my problem anymore and I didn't care beyond how my children might be affected. You will get there and if you're not there yet then that's ok. I know you probably think you shouldn't be giving him any head space because he probably isn't you but he is a self centred prick who blocks out anything difficult, you're working through it and that is far more valuable in the long run.

Good grief, these men who expect the women they’ve treated so badly will be waiting with open arms and open hearts - probably grateful, too. It’s got to be all an act from the start... I don’t think they “do” genuine at all.

Thank you x

Sadly, another certificate-less day and no word from the General Records Office. I think I’m getting to the point now where I’m not actively watching for the postwoman. It will come when it comes.

@Onthedunes I also walk about muttering obscenities under my breath. I’m realising that he never truly was the man I wanted him to be. I kept thinking he’d change but of course he didn’t. It’s not even that I wanted a man on a white charger galloping along in the surf. I just wanted someone good, who I could rely on, and who’d look after me. And I realise now that never was him. How stupid to have taken so long.

I’ve had a couple of invitations yes, but I’ve said I’m not quite ready to face people. Ive also said I’ll get in touch when I pluck up the courage.

@Billybagpuss and @CatChant no, I don’t think a baby is realistic. Apart from it completely destroying any chance of any kind of relationship
he “has” with DC and his remaining family, the practicalities would be insurmountable. The only reason I can see he’d do it is to keep her happy!

Sorry - I thought I’d posted this last night but I fell asleep instead!

x

Morning @MoreLegsThanMe sleep is good, hope you had a good one.

I totally get not feeling ready for people yet, I do think though that lockdown has made it worse, we’ve all got out of the habit of socialising and where you’ve had something so huge to process you’ve got used to doing it alone. It’s just bucking up the courage to do the first one, maybe just taking some garden plants round somewhere and having a chat on the doorstep would be a good first outing, so you do the social element but with a controlled time constraint of being on the way somewhere else and without feeling obligated to sit down with tea and cake.

I have a good feeling the certificate will be soon, I’m also posty watching as some plants were dispatched Tuesday and they haven’t arrived, they’ll be dead at this rate, and we are away for the weekend.

@MoreLegsThanMe

I do family history research, to ensure I'm following correct family ordered an 1860s marriage certificate from GRO on 27 April received on 25 May a week later than date on the acknowledgement. Your certificate is taking an inordinately long time to arrive. Do hope it arrives soon so you can move forward

Good day to be in the garden.

Thank you x

A bit scratched and bitten and stung so I’ve no doubt I’ve been busy in the garden.

No sign of my certificate today and no reply to email query.fingers crossed for tomorrow (I’m sure I said that last week too).

I’m at the optician first thing then hopefully will be outside all day.

Not thought of them much today. Never thought I’d say it but I really couldn’t be arsed.

I don’t think the DC have heard from him in ages.

Won’t his mantelpiece be bare come Father’s Day...? Wonder if she’ll do something for him from her kids. Whether it’s the done thing in that situation I don’t know, never having destroyed a family and all that. I wonder if they’re still at that stage of not being able to do enough for each other. I’m sure that can’t last can it?

x

I'm liking this Legs.

"Can't be arsed"........... how many women have uttered those same words, it's like a good woman whose been shit on mantra.
Get that anger out, it needs to be done, no point in smiling sweetly and ignoring how you feel, get it out.

The mocking stage will be here soon enough, an almost pitying mock for him being such a complete loser and he is, you will soon be convinced you are well rid of that (insert favourite word) tosser.

Father's day....... that will be a joke, no one thinks of him as a father anymore.
All he is, is an unimaginitive bastard who instead of getting to a point in his marriage, life and age should have been directing his boredom into doing things that many men do with their wives..... suggesting things like, walking down the Champ a Elysees, going down the Nile, visitiing the Great Wall of China, travelling on the Orient Express but no, he like the other weak willed, stupid arseholes decided to change things up by thinking of his dick.

He's an dirty old man who does not deserve one iota of respect from you or anyone else, Father's day bollocks.

Sorry for the swearing Legs, but try it, it helps.
Yes they are both destroyers, but both lots of children will always know this, what a legacy.
Nothing but a disgrace to their chidren.

You know you are so far above them Legs, like stratispherical above, really it needs no explaining but if you feel the need to vent, vent away. I don't blame you.
That anger you feel is in itself a way of your control coming back, your own feelings have been denied for so many years, you are becoming your own person, the person you buried to keep the peace is emerging.

You are definitly getting there Legs.
x

why is it taking so long to get your Certificate .. it feels like forever.. Im sorry for you OP.. for this long wait. 🌸

You have made huge improvements this week, the certificate will be here soon and at this rate you won’t need our support to get to the post box you’ll be sprinting faster than usain bolt.

As expected my plants arrived looking dead so I have the most pathetic hanging baskets known to man. So rejoice in your garden, I bet it looks incredible.