More Legs chapter three - the one where there’s a little light at the end of the tunnel

[MoreLegsThanMe]

New thread. Can’t believe I’ve got to three.

It’s a good chance I think that they’ll stick together, happy or not. They’ve given away absolutely everything (although she still sees her children) so they do need each other don’t they.

I have my fingers crossed for the marriage certificate tomorrow. I really believe he thinks I wouldn’t go ahead with it. I also think it might prompt a flurry of messages asking what he’s supposed to do. Bloody pay a solicitor that’s what you can do.

I think of the two of us I will come out the other side better than him. I have the support of his family, all the DC, and you wonderful women. He has her and that’s it. I don’t know about her family and I’m sure as can be that the pair of them have created yet another lie as the backstory to how they met. Can’t exactly tell the truth can they. ANC in a few short years he’ll be 70. Yuk.

It still doesn’t feel like I’ll be better off at the end but I’m hoping that feeling will come.

If anyone knows how to link this thread to the old one can you let me know please?

x

You are so strong @MoreLegsThanMe

I have been reading your threads and they have been really inspiring and comforting as I feel winded and blindsided

I only found out about OW three weeks ago

It’s great to know that things get easier and you’re living proof of that 🙏

...can't be arsed...

Lovely to hear. Neither of them is worth a second of your time MoreLegs and, as the months goes by, they are going to seem more and more pathetic to you.

As for Father's Day, may he reap what he has sowed. I think he'll have nothing unless OW press-gangs her DC into co-operating, and that would be wholly meaningless.

Good to hear you're doing so well in the garden. There's nothing like grubbing around weeding, snipping and planting for lifting one's spirits. And it is so satisfying to look at one's efforts afterwards. Mind you, middle-aged short-sightedness helps there. These days I can't see the weeds until they're up close and personal.

Hurry up certificate!

Have a good day MoreLegs. Carry on being an inspiration.

Hey Legs enjoy your gardening and yes hurry up certificate! Glad to hear you can't be arsed thinking of them. And yes his Father's Day will be another thing in his banquet of consequences as another poster aptly put it. Hope your garden has lots of 🌻🌸💐🌹 and keep weeding him from your thoughts too x

Thank you x

I had an email today explaining how Covid has slowed down everything and that my certificate will be sent as soon as possible and please don’t enquire about it as emails like that just slow them down more…….their original acknowledgement did say it would be dispatched on 26th May though. I’m scared if it’s much longer my bravery (such as it is )will desert me.

Finding it so hard to sleep at the moment as you can see. I’m finding I get to sleep but then wake up after a while and that’s if for the night. Knowing what they’re probably up to doesn’t help either.

Being me is no fun right now ..

x

So they sent you an email to tell you not to send an email. Ffs.

Your bravery won’t desert you and you will feel so much better when it’s done as it’s one less thing hanging over you.

Fingers crossed for the ‘it’s arrived’ update.

I think the “Don’t send us an email to remind us that we’re late” is a bit crap

Bad night Legs ? I'm sorry its part of the awfulness surounding trauma, I personally sleep very little but if you continue to have problems maybe mention it to your GP. You need sleep !

Try to put the certificate out of your head for the moment I think the lead up to its arrival is increasing your anxiety, the build up is making you waver.

Try to deal with one day at a time Legs, like we said it's hard to do if you've always been a planner and organiser but learning to let go and relax can be your biggest aid. Try some relaxion techniques surrounding bedtime, they can help.

I hope you've been able to enjoy the better weather, I know in it's self even the different seasons can be a trigger for memories, just be aware that this will happen and that will affect your mood. Make sure to rest when a trigger has occured and think the next day will be easier.

You are doing good Legs, blips will always happen but really you are handling this so well, so much stronger than you think.

Allow yourself time off from being that strong woman and take good care of yourself, love yourself because we find you amazing, you can't be fighting and angry every day, let the sadness wash over you, it will pass.

All things come to pass.

Hope today is easier.
x

Thank you x

Yes the email did say please don’t ask us for updates! The original acknowledgment said the despatched date was 26th May. It’s crazy.

I did just realise as I started to type this that it’s the Sunday Anniversary and I genuinely didn’t give it a single second of my time. I’m proud of that. I’d completely forgotten it.

He sent a copy and paste message to the DC hoping “they were enjoying the weather”, I mean who in the absolute fuck sends his DC that? He hasn’t asked me once about their health or how they’re coping, not a bloody word.

I cut the grass today, front and back, and I’ve started to make a border along the front fence. It’s hard work though and I’m digging up all sorts. Gardens in new build houses are crap aren’t they.

I’ll keep at that tomorrow. It’s important to me that I show I can do things without him. I’m not sure exactly who I’m trying to impress. Myself I suppose. I must admit though if he came to the house and saw tidy grass, flowers, the containers, he’d be taken aback that I could do it.

I’ll show him and that stupid stupid OW I honestly will.

Maybe a certificate tomorrow….?

x

Well, officialdom is not covering itself with glory over sending the certificate, but at least it's not been forgotten or lost in the post. Fingers crossed it arrives soon and I am quite, quite sure that your bravery (which you under-estimate) will not desert you.

Your garden will be amazing, MoreLegs. You're right, it is hard work making a garden for a new-build house. The soil tends to be very compressed and to have been used as a dumping ground for all sorts of builders' rubbish. But every scrap of effort you're putting in will pay off in the oasis you create, and, hopefully, the physical effort might make it easier to get a decent night's sleep.

You don't need to show those idiots anything. You have been doing wonderfully. They can't hold a candle to you in anything that matters. All those years of fatherhood and all he can manage is to copy and paste his DC a message he hopes they're enjoying the weather - as though they were the merest acquaintances, instead of his own flesh and blood. He ought to be ashamed of himself. But then he ought to be ashamed of himself for a lot of things.

Sleep tight MoreLegs. Hope you can get a good spell in the garden with plenty of sunshine tomorrow. Take care.

Firstly, if the certificate is showing as having been despatched, it hasn’t turned up. You have a problem. It needs to be resolved. This isn’t a processing issue, it’s a delivery one.

Secondly, he hasn’t asked after the kids’ welfare, specifically how they’re coping, because he doesn’t want to know. It affects him negatively either way, and he can’t allow himself to be affected by negative thoughts or feelings, you see… He has to live in the bubble of illusion that he is the world’s best Dad, whatever history he has rewritten to justify his behaviour that allowed himself to treat you so appallingly, and most importantly, that he is happy with OW. Little secret here…. Narcissists can never be happy. They always feel that they’re missing out on something. (And that it MUST be an external thing that comes from other people/other people owe to them/must do for them, etc…. They can’t see that the gaping hole is in themselves.)

@Justilou1 is right, bloody hell I can't believe he's sending messages like that to his children. "Hope you are enjoying the weather" wtf, I think I'd have a tee shirt printed with that on and get one of the kids to send it for Father's Day.

If it was me I think I'd be sending him a message with "Hope you are enjoying you new pumped up dick", back.
Sorry about that Legs, but fuck thats annoyed me, how dare he ?

But thinking about it, what can he say, my God if I was him I honestly don't think I could ever look my own children in the eye again, he must be disgusted with himself because he knows the children are.

He doesn't know yet does he that he's lost them ?
What a fool.

Hope you're fast on by now and have a good day in the garden tommorow, coping with such a fool must be so hard for you, but as always you are doing it well.

Take care x

If the kids ask about what they should get him for Father’s Day, (unlikely) suggest an army knife - another complete tool. (Or one that works)

Morning legs,

Gardens in new houses are bloody awful. Ours is now 20 years old and I’ve imported so much soil it’s now pretty good. It’s worth a trip to the garden centre when you’ve finished digging and get a couple of bags of muck for it.

Thank you x

@Justilou1 the date of 26th May was given as an estimate on the day I ordered it. I just assumed, naively, that they would despatch it then! There’s no point ringing as it just rings out unanswered.

You’re so right too about the bubble he’s living in. I can just picture Fathers Day and him being upset because he won’t hear anything at all from the DC. I’ve said before that I genuinely think he believes everything goes on as before, except he lives, eats and sleeps somewhere else. He’s so deluded. I wonder if there is something going on mentally. The older DC and I have thought that for a while now.

@CatChant indeed, like how you’d message an acquaintance. Something you’d say to someone in the hairdressers or the butchers. He doesn’t even afford them the courtesy of tailored messages. I just can’t believe he’s come to this.

Yes the garden is full of all sorts. Slates, tiles, bricks, unidentifiable electrical-looking “stuff”. I’m keeping going though, there may be buried treasure…it will be lovely when it’s finished. It’s that thought that keeps me going at it.

Maybe the certificate tomorrow….

x

I still wonder what your rush is OP. The sooner you are divorcing, the sooner you'll have to sort a financial settlement - which could mean you having to sell that house with the nice new border. He may have said at one time that you can stay till the kids are older but who's to say he won't change his mind, or have it changed for him?

What's the rush?

@Feminem, maybe because the OP wants to be free of him, for no other reason than she just wants to be free of him?
No need to question her about it, it's up to the OP how she decides to plan out her future.

It will indeed be a lovely garden MoreLegs and @Billybagpuss is absolutely right about improving the soil. Your local recycling centre may be worth a try for free compost and if you are near stables they can be a brilliant source of well-rotted manure.

I once found a very pretty, perfectly intact, vintage plate while digging in the garden. I think that was my best find. One garden we used to have had been used by a previous owner to bury all his empties. We were turning up shards of broken beer bottles for years. Just what we wanted with a small child. But it did look beautiful in the end, though there were times I thought it would never be anything but a weed-infested rubbish dump.

H is impossible to fathom, isn't he? He lives in his own little fantasy world and everyone else has to fit in around him. Well, he's not your responsibility any more and what a hash he's making of his life without you.

Come on, certificate! Anyone would think it was being issued in Timbuktu at this rate of progress.

Sleep well MoreLegs. Hope you get a good spell in on the new border tomorrow.

[quote SpringCrocus]**@Feminem, maybe because the OP wants to be free of him, for no other reason than she just wants to be free of him?
No need to question her about it, it's up to the OP how she decides to plan out her future.[/quote]
Not questioning - just concerned. These situations can make us act rashly and I wouldn't want to see her lose her home after what she's been through. Simple as that. The law would force her to sell if he wanted that so Legs has to be prepared.

"Not questioning - just concerned. These situations can make us act rashly and I wouldn't want to see her lose her home after what she's been through. Simple as that. The law would force her to sell if he wanted that so Legs has to be prepared."
@Legs is a solicitor I think so will know what's what.

Thank you x

If it gets to the point of any financial orders it’ll be to sell when DS turns eighteen. Right now that’s my plan anyway. @Feminem the law is changing in the autumn so there will be no-fault divorce. I think my rush to issue is that it is incredibly important to me that it is based on his adultery, because that is his “fault” and I just want the end of my marriage to reflect that. I don’t want him to issue later in the year (although he hasn’t got the balls).

That’s started me thinking now - am I rushing??

I remember right at the start when I’d never have divorced him. I didn’t even want to consider it. I remember thinking that if he did want to he’d have to wait the full five years to get it without my consent.

But now it needs to be over. Doing this is the only little bit of control I feel I have now. He’s taken everything else. He’s got my self-esteem, my trust, my dignity. Doing this is all I have.

@CatChant all I’ve dug up is weeds, smashed up beer cans, massive lumps of rock, and bits of old lino. Plenty of broken glass too. I’ll go over it all again tomorrow and then I’ll be able to plant.

So now I’m truly wavering - should I issue now or not..I can’t even make a decision! I never ever used to be like this. It’s just a shame a Petition can’t go through on the basis of him being a bastard.

Of course, no certificate again today so nothing will happen tonight!

Thank you all so much for sticking with me.

x

@MoreLegsThanMe

Thank you x

If it gets to the point of any financial orders it’ll be to sell when DS turns eighteen. Right now that’s my plan anyway. @Feminem the law is changing in the autumn so there will be no-fault divorce. I think my rush to issue is that it is incredibly important to me that it is based on his adultery, because that is his “fault” and I just want the end of my marriage to reflect that. I don’t want him to issue later in the year (although he hasn’t got the balls).

That’s started me thinking now - am I rushing??

I remember right at the start when I’d never have divorced him. I didn’t even want to consider it. I remember thinking that if he did want to he’d have to wait the full five years to get it without my consent.

But now it needs to be over. Doing this is the only little bit of control I feel I have now. He’s taken everything else. He’s got my self-esteem, my trust, my dignity. Doing this is all I have.

@CatChant all I’ve dug up is weeds, smashed up beer cans, massive lumps of rock, and bits of old lino. Plenty of broken glass too. I’ll go over it all again tomorrow and then I’ll be able to plant.

So now I’m truly wavering - should I issue now or not..I can’t even make a decision! I never ever used to be like this. It’s just a shame a Petition can’t go through on the basis of him being a bastard.

Of course, no certificate again today so nothing will happen tonight!

Thank you all so much for sticking with me.

x

I totally understand why you want to do it but worry that you are basing your future on a pact you made before he got settled in with the OW. The courts won't necessarily make him wait till your DC are 18 so you could find yourself having to sell & move house/downsize. Just because there's no blame divorce coming in doesn't change what he did, though I think there is a time limit on citing adultery. You've got to do what right for you but equally it's got to be practical & benefit you op.

Ah MoreLegs don't beat yourself up. It's a big decision and it's wholly natural to ponder the best course of action. He ended your marriage with his appalling behaviour. It's entirely up to you when you want to end it officially. Do what's best for you. You're in the happy position of being a lot smarter and a lot more clued-up than him. If you want to be shut of him legally, go ahead.

When the certificate finally arrives, of course. Fingers crossed that it can't be too much longer.

The site of your new border does sound very much like the rubbish dump that became my first garden, so you must be working extraordinarily hard - and in such hot weather too. But it will be worth it. What are you planning to plant? I've just cleared out a load of Spanish bluebells (I've no doubt they'll try to take over again next year) from my herb bed to make room for some fennel, wormwood, rosemary and sage. I am a complete sucker for buying herbs.

Sleep tight MoreLegs. Happy gardening. You are tackling all of this so well.

I'm doing it for the same reason as you said, it's the only bit of control left. AND I am doing it as fast as I possibly can because I absolutely don't want him to do it first..... I can't begin to imagine how much worse I could possibly feel but I think it would feel a whole lot more devastating if that is even possible, if my H were to get there before me.
My H is also useless and has never done a stitch of admin in 20 years... BUT he now has OW driving him and who knows what she is persuading him to do and helping him with.
That is my reason for making sure I absolutely get in there first xx

Plus of course this enormous desire to have him get the kick in the teeth when the bailiff arrives with the petition, and not for it to be me...... it is imperative to my peace of mind that I get there first

You are not rushing at all and I do think it’s important for you to feel in control of this. If you ignore the bit when he was home at Christmas it’s been over a year now. You need to feel in control and develop your own life. Some of your best posts have been where you’ve started to make plans for you, you’re going to meet friends for a walk and a drink. It’s understandable you may wobble, but we are holding your hand all the way to the post box.

You’re a 7 hour drive from me, but honestly I’d do that to help you with those last few steps. 💐

By the way, we will be needing a picture of your new border.