More Legs chapter three - the one where there’s a little light at the end of the tunnel

[MoreLegsThanMe]

New thread. Can’t believe I’ve got to three.

It’s a good chance I think that they’ll stick together, happy or not. They’ve given away absolutely everything (although she still sees her children) so they do need each other don’t they.

I have my fingers crossed for the marriage certificate tomorrow. I really believe he thinks I wouldn’t go ahead with it. I also think it might prompt a flurry of messages asking what he’s supposed to do. Bloody pay a solicitor that’s what you can do.

I think of the two of us I will come out the other side better than him. I have the support of his family, all the DC, and you wonderful women. He has her and that’s it. I don’t know about her family and I’m sure as can be that the pair of them have created yet another lie as the backstory to how they met. Can’t exactly tell the truth can they. ANC in a few short years he’ll be 70. Yuk.

It still doesn’t feel like I’ll be better off at the end but I’m hoping that feeling will come.

If anyone knows how to link this thread to the old one can you let me know please?

x

I can assure you he won't be sleeping like a baby x

Hey Legs, I now it’s hard but I think you are doing the right thing by not trying to suppress the feelings any more.
I’m a member of a different forum and there was a poster who was chronicling his chemo journey (although sadly terminal), his words always stuck out to me:

I had anxiety last year but not now. I found the best way was to let the fear and desperation have its time. I couldn’t stop it happening so it was welcome to run its course. And it always did. I can’t stay scared of the same monster. It just becomes familiar. Unwanted but familiar.

I hope you too can let the intrusive thoughts run their course. Much love xx

I don't know if it will help, but I find that lying down with heavy covers feels a bit like a comforting cuddle. Discovered this in lockdown. I don't put the heating on in my bedroom, which means I usually don't get too hot, if I do I just throw the top layers to the side.

As far as 'him and her' sleeping well, don't count on it. They may not be awake due to 'remorse' but......

" cannot rest until they harm someone. They are robbed of sleep unless they cause people to stumble. They feast on wickedness as if they were eating bread. They drink violence as if they were drinking wine." Proverbs 4:15-17

I know you aren't sleeping well, but at least you lay your head down at night with a clear conscience and no intentions to 'do evil'.

Thank you all so much x

As you’ll see from the time, sleep isn’t coming anytime soon tonight either.

@Billybagpuss I love that it isn’t Christmas’s fault. I’d never looked at it like that before, but it’s really true.

And @Onthedunes please don’t say that you went wrong and your ex didn’t get enough attention. I’m finally getting rid of the guilt I’ve carried around thinking I didn’t pay STBXH enough attention. They’re grown men not toddlers. Please don’t say that. You did nothing wrong. You just trusted.

Mr NM and I were chatting tonight and I’m not sure why but he always seems to say the right thing. I don’t know if it’s because he is amazingly empathetic or (and more probably) he just acts as a normal, properly caring person would. I’m looking forward to spending the evening with him next week. I do always feel as though I’m “on” with the DC. They’ve never seen me upset and it’s important to me that life carries on as they’re used to it. With Mr NM I don’t feel like I have to do that.

Tomorrow my plan is to get out into the garage and try and sort through at least three of the big storage boxes. I’m sure there will be some more stuff to get rid of. I did of course get the skip and did the massive clear out last year, and then started methodically putting stuff I was keeping into the various boxes. Then towards the end I was so tired and dirty that I just thought sod it, and chucked the rest of it where there was space.

Every night I post I hope to myself that the next I’ll be able to say I was asleep by 11 and didn’t wake up until 6, but so far that’s not what’s happening.

x

Morning Legs, hope you did end up getting some quality sleep last night - lack of it will be making everything else feel more difficult. I was struggling last night to used an app I have that does meditations, relaxing sounds and bedtime stories, I’ve never yet heard how a story finishes! Could be worth a try if you haven’t already? I find it gives my brain something else to focus on beside all the thoughts and worries that whirl about in the night.
Might there be anything in those boxes that you can sell for a few pounds? If not, even just getting rid of some more stuff might be cathartic in a way.

@MoreLegsThanMe have you tried the antihistamine sleeping tablets? - Nytol is the branded version, Boots do their own called Sleepease.
I found them really useful in similar circumstances to get off to sleep and to be able to drift back off if I did wake in the night.

Thank you x

Another late one. I’ve not felt well today (blaming it on my Covid booster) so I’ve not achieved much.

Thank you @HappyintheHills I’ve heard of Nytol but never used it.

@Sunbird24 I must admit I don’t even know what’s in some of those boxes. I want to sort through them though, and definitely before all the Christmas stuff comes into the house.

Just a short post tonight - my head really hurts!

x

Hope you're feeling better today legs 💐

My DM swore by Nytol or similar products when she was bereaved. She doesn't normally resort to meds easily, but she started having a full nights sleep from around an hour after taking it

Thank you x

I had a couple of beseeching messages from him - one asking how DD4’s studies are going, has she been to any uni open days. How’s DS and his GCSE studies? “I text them but they never reply”.

The second was saying that he thinks about them all the time and “loves them to bits”. Sure you do. You love them so much you scuttled away from them to be with OW and you didn’t even have the balls to say you were leaving them. You let me do that.

I haven’t replied. I want to. Like when he’s contacted me before, I’ve composed a thousand responses in my head, but I’ve stayed quiet. I don’t think he’s used to being ignored. He probably thought I’d treat him to daily updates about the DC and share exam results and so on. He’s so deluded he probably thinks everything’s fine. He of course is deliriously happy with the Beautiful Home, the blow-up cock and the stupid skank he took up with. Who similarly just walked and left her DH and DC to it. He’ll be thinking I’m fine here alone. Seeing as I’m the “strongest woman I’ve ever known”. Haven’t got much choice really have I.

I’m sorry. I’m so angry tonight. I’ve been so used haven’t I. And I let it go on for virtually my whole life. He’s ended up with everything he ever wanted and left me with all the hard work and worry.

Sometimes I think I will just explode. I’ve got all this stuff swirling about in my brain and I don’t know how it has the room to store it all. Like one day it’ll just be so expanded by all the crap within that it’ll go bang!

I’m not going to let him win I’m fucking not.

I want to start taking a bit better care of myself but I’m not sure where to start. I think I look about seventy-five right now, so maybe I need to start with my skin. Right now I just run the face cloth over it and moisturise when I remember. The folks over on Style and Beauty would be horrified…

I’m flagging here now and falling behind. Help me my lovely army?

x

Stoke that anger! It sure beats sadness for getting on with your life. And then, when you get to pure indifference, life will feel 'right' again.

As far as 'style and beauty' I'm a hopeless case. I have no 'skin regimen' to share. These days with mask wearing it's gone out the window since no one ever sees my face anyway. 😆

Sorry you are feeling rough tonight. It will pass. You know it will.

When you say he is so perfectly happy- note that he is trying to contact your children and they are roundly rejecting him. He wAnts to know about their lives.

I dare say that he never thought he would lose them so absolutely. He probably thought he was too important to them for this silent treatment to last.

This is a terrible loss to a parent-even a rubbish one.

What a blow to his ego too.

You have every right to be angry.
I think though that one day the sting of this will fade and you might even pity him.

If there’s no room in your brain, write it all down. Not typing, proper pen/pencil & paper writing, and don’t try and think about it too much, just scribble away until you’re done. Once it’s out of your head and onto paper, destroy it. Burn it, shred it, whatever you like, but don’t keep it around to re-read or for the DC to find. See how you feel afterwards, if it helps with the feelings then maybe add it into your routine somewhere.
Doesn’t sound to me like he’s got everything he ever wanted though lovely, his own kids think he’s a dick and won’t even talk to him, plus his manhood doesn’t work without mechanical assistance. Hardly the kind of happy ending the hero gets in a movie is it?
You’re doing great though, the anger is all part of the process, not to mention completely justifiable!
How are you doing with plans for Christmas?

Was it about this time last year he came back?

All these nightmares and anxieties you’ve been having in the run up to Christmas I guess he’s been having too, the reality is hitting him that he will have no contact with them over Christmas. I’m guessing he’s texted the dc occasionally, getting no response, but I also guess he hasn’t texted the one thing they needed to hear which is ‘sorry, I’ve been a dick and handled this completely wrong’. If he’d been an adult a year ago and spoken to them taken responsibility, sure they’d have been upset but he would have stood a chance of maintaining a relationship with them.

I take it there’s still been no more money coming from him?

Stay strong you’re doing amazingly.

So sorry you're struggling Legs. I think you've been so brave and dignified throughout all of this. I agree silence is the way to go, but I agree with a pp that sometimes just writing it all down can help get it out of your head. Maybe start writing a journal about all your thoughts and feelings. Maybe one day you could turn it into a best selling novel about a dickhead and his blow up cock!

Please remember his life isn't perfect, I'm sure his life won't be anything like you think it is. He's lost his home, his wife and his kids. You will have images of a lovely Christmas, with sex, love and laughter. In reality they will be sat there, all alone, no dc, no doubt she'll be getting bored of him, I bet the honeymoon period is over, blow up sex won't be all it's cracked up to be. HE on the other hand will be thinking about you and the dc, all sat around a Xmas table, roast turkey being served and lots of love and laughter - all without him!

I'll be honest Legs that sounds much like my beauty routine . But if you want to step things up a bit then Superdrug do a nice hot cloth cleanse goo, which has been compared favourably to the Liz Earle one and that always feels good. Is it practical to do your nails, varnish never seems to last for me these days but I do like a good shape and file and some oil to make them look healthy. Maybe find a nice wind down yoga session on line just something to give your body a stretch to help you wind down for bed. I also on the rare occasion I use makeup in the day use Benefit yes they're real tinted eyelash primer, it's nice and subtle but makes your lashes pop a bit more.
Oh and yes to the hand writing stuff out, I've always found it really useful when majorly upset/cross.

Hmm, I'd say those messages are proof positive he's not leading the Life Beautiful.

He's probing for a chink in your armour and he thinks imploring you to tell him about the DC is the most promising route to get you to respond. If you replied soon the messages wouldn't be about the DC but about him. How lonely he is, how he made a mistake etc. Yuck.

I'd say he's not looking forward to a Christmas in a cramped flat with strange DC who have no reason to like him and plenty to despise him. I agree he's probably remembering the many happy Christmases you gave him and feeling sorry for himself. And when it comes to ordinary day-to-day life I doubt OW is a particularly comfortable companion - far too self-absorbed.

Ignore the messages MoreLegs dear. Let him stew. You did nothing to disrupt his relationship with his DC. He did that all by himself. How he has the cheek to whine his children won't speak to him when he walked out on them without even saying goodbye and continues not to contribute a penny to their welfare is beyond me.

You've every right to be very angry but don't let it fester because that will harm you. I agree about writing your thoughts in a journal. Don't be tempted to give STBXH the tongue-lashing he deserves. Silence is your best weapon and defence.

Are you managing to exercise? Just a brisk walk daily would be helpful for lifting your mood. As for skincare I'd recommend Astral. It's as cheap as chips and Joanna Lumley swears by it. So did my mother and she looked 10 years younger than her real age for as long as I can remember. I use it now and so does DD. If you'd prefer something a little drier Nivea is a good alternative.

Take care MoreLegs. You're worth so much more than him.

I'd agree with everyone else and say continue to ignore, legs. How about giving yourself a little treat and have a facial? It could be an early Christmas present to yourself, you deserve a bit of pampering

I agree with everthing @CatChant says.

Some people leave marriages to reinvent themselves, maybe their day to day treatment of their wife and children was selfish on their behalf. They know deep down who was the most giving, most supportive, everyday is like a mirror being held up showing their flaws, their selfishness.

To run away and try to find a new role can be apealing for many of these men, the saviour of another woman for example, when in reality it's just two people who are just selfish trying to create another persona, a different reality.

Excuses are made on both sides blaming the ex partner, predictable excuses.

The problem is you can run away but you can't run away from yourself.
Leave him to think Legs, no pandering to his confusion.
He has made his bed, please don't save him, no comforting him, no understanding him.

Reality bites.

I've followed your story from the beginning but hardly posted. Others have given much better advice than I ever could!

Just to say, do try Nytol or similar if you haven't. I use Sominex which is similar, I believe. I first took it 15 years ago when my mother was suddenly taken ill, in intensive care and considered unlikely to survive (she did btw, dying almost two years ago). Unbelievably I fell asleep and had to be woken at 8.00 the following morning. I've taken it occasionally since and only once had a sleepless night in spite of this.

Nothing worse than lying awake with tormenting thoughts running round your head.

I think you are doing extremely well, holding it all together for your children and able to have a lovely new relationship too. Christmas is a funny time of the year, weighted in expectations, but you can do whatever suits you - there isn't a rule book about the right way for it to be. And before long, it will be over and another new year will come round.

Thank you all so much x

Writing it all down does sound appealing. I’d probably spend hours every day doing it!

@CatChant your right about him trying to find a chink in my armour I think. The messages would get longer and chattier, then there would undoubtedly be the woe is me one…I have absolutely no intention of letting him into my head. It would be suicidal to do so. He just really doesn’t seem to understand what he’s done. Saying he texts the DC “but they never reply” what does he expect? That they’d be mildly miffed for a week or so then back to their usual selves? He just seems to lack any understanding of reality.

Thank you too for those tips. I really do need to take care of myself for once. Looking in the mirror is not a pretty sight.

We didn’t get to go and choose a Christmas tree yesterday as the site was shut because the roads were too dangerous on account of the snowfall up here. Hopefully next Saturday, fingers crossed.

The DC had their usual cut and paste messages from him yesterday, I think. DS has blocked him and DD4 never replies to any of them. I’m not sure about the older DDs. It’s not my business to question them.

I’m hoping to spend Tuesday evening with Mr NM. It’ll be so nice just being me and not being ignored all night.

@Billybagpuss it was 22nd STBXH came back. I’ll always remember because I was about to leave to take DD3 to a job interview, just before we left and my phone pinged and there were the messages from the skank. Complete with photos.

Then 10th January when he left. Or maybe shoul I say ran away?

I don’t know how I’ll feel on the anniversary of those days but they’re coming closer so I have to don’t I.

Can’t believe it’s nearly a year. I really can’t.

x

@MoreLegsThanMe

Can’t believe it’s nearly a year. I really can’t.

And look how far you've come - do, please, look back and see this. Also how strong you are. And how blessed your children are in having you. Their love and respect for you. He has none of this, nor your mental strength. You are, by far, the better person and your life is and will continue to be better for him being only on the outskirts of your peripheral vision. Continued strength to you OP. 🌹

Aw @MoreLegsThanMe the 22 will be the tough one for you and I do think the looming date is what’s triggered your anxiety off again. But actually once that’s gone, it’s over, you’ve done it you’ll have a lovely relaxing Christmas with your family and I think and really hope that the January one will barely register as Christmas will have taken all your focus.

He clearly gets the remorse in the run up to Christmas which is why he came back this time last year.

Have a lovely evening with nm tomorrow.

I would also try and plan some things for you with friends or family in January. January and February are rubbish months at the best of times so it’s important to try and find some things to focus and enjoy.

Can I ask you a question completely unrelated to your thread (sorry to derail) we are up near you on holiday at Easter and seeing you mentioned the snow do you usually get a lot in early April? Is it something we should plan for? I’m very excited looking forward to getting some decent walking in.

Hoping no late night/early morning post means you actually got a decent night’s sleep @MoreLegsThanMe… 🤞