I'll try to keep this simple and include what I think is relevant.
DD is 22, met her fiancé less than a year ago, got engaged in February. they've been living together since October.
We live in DH's home country, my only family (parents, grandparents) are in the UK.
DD's fiancé is from a huge, ultra-religious family (double-digit number of siblings with a 25 year age gap from oldest to youngest). Although still religious he has left the church.
Apparently it's "their way" that they get engaged young and married soon after, the women generally don't work after marriage.
Fiance's parents not happy about them living together and his mother has made her dislike of DD very apparent.
DD and fiancé have announced that want to get married at our place in July.
Apart from the whole "it's too soon" thing, there are a lot of other issues that I'm not comfortable with. Loads of his family want to be there for the wedding, but with COVID restrictions we've said that's not happening at our place.
The biggest issue, for me, is that my parents won't be able to be there. As I've mentioned, he has a huge family but my parents only have two grandchildren.
I've told DD that I'm pretty upset they're planning on doing this so soon, knowing that my parents can't be there. She said it's ok, she won't wear a wedding dress and they'll throw a huge party where she'll wear a wedding dress, once my parents are able to come over. I said my parents are more interested in the wedding, than a party. If the wedding was to go ahead as they want then a lot of his family would be there as well as DH's family. Just my parents would be missing.
I don't understand the rush but she said it's how his family do things so i told her I'm hearing a lot about what his family want, but not a lot about what she wants.
I suggested that if getting married asap (no, she's not pregnant) is so important why don't they go off and do it quietly with just his two closest sisters and their fiances as witnesses, then we throw a massive party once my parents are able to come - an all or nothing scenario. she said She wants me and DH there.
She's told my parents and said my mum said it's ok, she understands etc but having spoken to my mum since then, i know she's very upset. i haven't spoken to my Dad yet (my parents are divorced) but I'm sure he's really upset too.
I know it's their day, not mine, but i just feel so upset (and actually slightly sick) at the thought of my parents not being able to attend, especially knowing they're the only ones who wouldn't be there.
I'm thinking of trying to talk to them both together and see if I can make them realize the impact this will have. Or do I just butt out and leave them to it, knowing this will have an impact on the relationship between her and my parents?
As an aside, DH and I eloped when DD was young so I know it may seem hypocritical. We were in our 30s and DD was with us for the wedding. No family were in attendance.