Please help me understand my DD's wedding.

[Ophanim]

I'll try to keep this simple and include what I think is relevant.

DD is 22, met her fiancé less than a year ago, got engaged in February. they've been living together since October.

We live in DH's home country, my only family (parents, grandparents) are in the UK.

DD's fiancé is from a huge, ultra-religious family (double-digit number of siblings with a 25 year age gap from oldest to youngest). Although still religious he has left the church.

Apparently it's "their way" that they get engaged young and married soon after, the women generally don't work after marriage.

Fiance's parents not happy about them living together and his mother has made her dislike of DD very apparent.

DD and fiancé have announced that want to get married at our place in July.

Apart from the whole "it's too soon" thing, there are a lot of other issues that I'm not comfortable with. Loads of his family want to be there for the wedding, but with COVID restrictions we've said that's not happening at our place.
The biggest issue, for me, is that my parents won't be able to be there. As I've mentioned, he has a huge family but my parents only have two grandchildren.
I've told DD that I'm pretty upset they're planning on doing this so soon, knowing that my parents can't be there. She said it's ok, she won't wear a wedding dress and they'll throw a huge party where she'll wear a wedding dress, once my parents are able to come over. I said my parents are more interested in the wedding, than a party. If the wedding was to go ahead as they want then a lot of his family would be there as well as DH's family. Just my parents would be missing.

I don't understand the rush but she said it's how his family do things so i told her I'm hearing a lot about what his family want, but not a lot about what she wants.
I suggested that if getting married asap (no, she's not pregnant) is so important why don't they go off and do it quietly with just his two closest sisters and their fiances as witnesses, then we throw a massive party once my parents are able to come - an all or nothing scenario. she said She wants me and DH there.

She's told my parents and said my mum said it's ok, she understands etc but having spoken to my mum since then, i know she's very upset. i haven't spoken to my Dad yet (my parents are divorced) but I'm sure he's really upset too.

I know it's their day, not mine, but i just feel so upset (and actually slightly sick) at the thought of my parents not being able to attend, especially knowing they're the only ones who wouldn't be there.

I'm thinking of trying to talk to them both together and see if I can make them realize the impact this will have. Or do I just butt out and leave them to it, knowing this will have an impact on the relationship between her and my parents?

As an aside, DH and I eloped when DD was young so I know it may seem hypocritical. We were in our 30s and DD was with us for the wedding. No family were in attendance.

notaroadrunner lucy I agree with this. DD has MH issues which she's being treated for and doesn't have the greatest relationship history.

When they first got engaged they said they were in no hurry to get married and were going to buy a house first so i didn't worry too much about it. Now all of a sudden there's this big rush to get married asap and I can only assume his family are behind this. I need to be able to talk to her frankly because I think she's getting swept along but I think anything I say will fall on deaf ears.

Are you certain she's not pregnant?

You said they will be the only ones not attending.

They have a lot of people to try to get there and must think this is the best time of year to get the maximum attendance.

Why can’t your parents go in July?

Yes I'm certain she's not pregnant.

My parents are the only ones having to travel from overseas. We are quite a way behind the UK with our vaccination schedule and entry into the country is still difficult. Yes, it might all change by then, but it's a lot of changes to happen in two months when we're still under a lot stricter restrictions in the UK at the moment.

Why your place for the wedding not his parents?

@MichelleScarn

Why your place for the wedding not his parents?

We have land, they don't. It would be physically impossible to squeeze his family as well as ours into their place.

Are your parents not vaccinated?

My daughter and her partner just went to the registry office and got married with their 2 best friends as witnesses. They told me and DH after the event. I was so relieved - no Mother of the Bride outfit, no catering, no guest list, just two blissfully happy people making their union legal. Other family members were pleased for them too.

Weddings don't have to be big family affairs. It's the marriage that is important, not the wedding.

That was 8 years ago and they are still happy and now have 2 little boys to keep them occupied

I would mostly be concerned about giving her time to rethink this.

Is your relationship good enough that you can sit her down and say, you're worried about his family's attitude, you'd be very disappointment if she gave up work at 22 (!) and you're disappointed she isn't concerned about how much she is upsetting her grandparents. I don't understand why a compromise of waiting a year isn't on the table, fine his family may not do it but your family wait till there's already a child and you're in your thirties so waiting till 23 seems like a compromise.

I understand why you're upset OP but I think you're focusing on the wrong thing - its not so much that she's disregarding your parents, and you, its that she's been swept up in someone else's family. You say she's spending lots of time with his sisters; can you help make sure she spends lots of time with her old friends? And your family?

@KraySlag

Are your parents not vaccinated?

Yes they are, but right now that still does not allow them entry to the country.

Maddox33 I would be over the moon if they went off and did that.

Só not only did you not invite your mum to your wedding, your mum didn't invite you to her wedding despite her in laws being there.

Your daughter is just following what you've done.

I would be very concerned, the wedding would almost be a red herring. Things are moving so quickly and everything seems tl be dictated by his side. Particularly the giving up work aspect.

^This. Your daughter is rushing into this too quickly. Almost like she is being brainwashed.

My grandparents weren’t at my wedding. Their health didn’t allow it. I didn’t change it for them, it was my wedding. Everyone was fine, if they weren’t they didn’t mention they weren’t fine and that was years ago.

It’s not your wedding, it’s not your business, it’s between DD and your parents. If your parents are happy for them to celebrate together later then you’ll just have to roll with it.

Is it about that, or do you have concerns about son in law?

Why would you be over the moon if your 22 yr old DD with poor MH married into a cult religion to a guy she's known less than a year when his family (who don't like her) expect her to give up work??

Is it all ok as long as your parents feelings don't get hurt?!

I do see your point but bottom line is you're also trying to organise her wedding so you''re just the same as her IL. You know you can't talk her out of it so just be there for her, I've no doubt she'll need you sooner rather than later.

@namechangemarch21

I would mostly be concerned about giving her time to rethink this.

Is your relationship good enough that you can sit her down and say, you're worried about his family's attitude, you'd be very disappointment if she gave up work at 22 (!) and you're disappointed she isn't concerned about how much she is upsetting her grandparents. I don't understand why a compromise of waiting a year isn't on the table, fine his family may not do it but your family wait till there's already a child and you're in your thirties so waiting till 23 seems like a compromise.

I understand why you're upset OP but I think you're focusing on the wrong thing - its not so much that she's disregarding your parents, and you, its that she's been swept up in someone else's family. You say she's spending lots of time with his sisters; can you help make sure she spends lots of time with her old friends? And your family?

Yes, I think you're right. I do need to talk to her about that, and why the sudden change. When i asked why the rush before she said "It's fiancé's wedding too, and we've already made compromises" My thoughts didn't come to me at the time, but as i said earlier I did say I was hearing a lot about what his family want and not a lot about what she wants. im not sure what the compromises are, tbh. Apparently, they get engaged young and are "supposed to" get married within 4 or 5 months of engagement although I can't find anything to back this up... I'm not sure if this is the right attitude but I think his parents have already seen 7 of their kids get married, can't they at least step back for once for the sake of their future DiL's family?

There really isn't much in the way of family here. She lives about 30 mins from me, DH and DS, my inlaws are 7+ hours away. She does still see her friends.
I think her spending time with his sisters is also having an influence. once is engaged and has been taking DD with her to look at wedding dresses etc and the other one has a boyfriend who is waiting to propose 9so what a surprise that will be). I think if DD was still working things would be different because she wouldn't so caught up in his family and would be less likely to give up work than just not go back to work.

As PP have said I'd have far more concerns about what she is marrying into and potentially not working than worries about who is or isn't at the wedding. I'd try to keep her on side so she can come back to you if it all goes wrong tbh, I wouldn't worry too much re who is at the wedding - that seems the least of the concerns.

@user77hjjy

Só not only did you not invite your mum to your wedding, your mum didn't invite you to her wedding despite her in laws being there.

Your daughter is just following what you've done.

No she isn't . Trying to get both mine and DH's families together for our wedding was proving nigh on impossible and was turning in to a nightmare so we decided to do our own thing and make it a level playing field with no one there except for DD. With this wedding, they are allowing some people to be there, but not others.
If they went off and did their own thing then everyone is treated the same, but I feel so sad for my parents knowing how much they would want to be there but can't, despite everyone else being there.

lucy I'm starting to realize that now. He's a really nice guy, doesn't attend church any more and seems to love DD but i'm now realizing that his family may still have a bigger hold over him than i realized. although she of the comments on here sting a bit, it is useful to me to see stranger's perspectives because it's easy to become blinkered.

If I managed to get all relatives go my wedding with only two exceptions, I’d be pretty pleased. It’s impossible to get everyone there.

Is she close to your parents?

@Iggii

I wouldn't be as bothered about your parents not being there as I would be about her marrying into that family with their attitudes

Most definately this

I sympathise with you, op, but if your parents cannot travel here for the wedding this year, that is nobody's fault. Nobody is free to travel just anywhere at the moment.

It does seem a bit soon for them to be marrying and your daughter is only 22 but she is old enough to make this decision, there's not much you can do about it.

You say you are not prepared to have loads of people at your place for the wedding and that is fair enough. Why not suggest she and fiance find another venue that will accommodate all the people they will invite? Then it won't be your problem.

Please do tell us which religion this is. You may have more reason to worry about that than where she has the wedding and your parents not being able to attend. Have you met any of fiance's family?

@DeusEx

If I managed to get all relatives go my wedding with only two exceptions, I’d be pretty pleased. It’s impossible to get everyone there.

Is she close to your parents?

Yes, she's very close to them. She's probably closer to my Mum than me.

Maggiesfarm they are evangelists. I've met two of his sisters briefly.

Sorry @Ophanim I didn't mean it to sound so blunt!

I was assuming it was cultural/religious reasons behind the decision that they had to get married at such a young age, do it so quickly and that your DD would need to give up work.

That sounds to me like they're more under his families control than anything

Oh gosh, she's marrying into an Irish Travellers isn't she. I wouldn't be worried about your parents not being there but I would be Hugely concerned about her in laws to be. I'm very surprised as they normally don't marry outside their own culture. Does she fully understand what she's getting into and what type of a life she is expected to live once she's married.
As I said I would be very very worried about this situation.
And before the do-gooders rant on here about how awful it is to pinpoint this particular ethnicity I'm also Irish and have grown up in a town with a big traveller community. I know what I'm talking about.

It's all about what you want not your dd. Your ignoring her wishes and blaming his family you, your dh family will be there so its not as if her side isn't going to be there. She's She's adult let her have the wedding she wants.