Please help me understand my DD's wedding.

[Ophanim]

I'll try to keep this simple and include what I think is relevant.

DD is 22, met her fiancé less than a year ago, got engaged in February. they've been living together since October.

We live in DH's home country, my only family (parents, grandparents) are in the UK.

DD's fiancé is from a huge, ultra-religious family (double-digit number of siblings with a 25 year age gap from oldest to youngest). Although still religious he has left the church.

Apparently it's "their way" that they get engaged young and married soon after, the women generally don't work after marriage.

Fiance's parents not happy about them living together and his mother has made her dislike of DD very apparent.

DD and fiancé have announced that want to get married at our place in July.

Apart from the whole "it's too soon" thing, there are a lot of other issues that I'm not comfortable with. Loads of his family want to be there for the wedding, but with COVID restrictions we've said that's not happening at our place.
The biggest issue, for me, is that my parents won't be able to be there. As I've mentioned, he has a huge family but my parents only have two grandchildren.
I've told DD that I'm pretty upset they're planning on doing this so soon, knowing that my parents can't be there. She said it's ok, she won't wear a wedding dress and they'll throw a huge party where she'll wear a wedding dress, once my parents are able to come over. I said my parents are more interested in the wedding, than a party. If the wedding was to go ahead as they want then a lot of his family would be there as well as DH's family. Just my parents would be missing.

I don't understand the rush but she said it's how his family do things so i told her I'm hearing a lot about what his family want, but not a lot about what she wants.
I suggested that if getting married asap (no, she's not pregnant) is so important why don't they go off and do it quietly with just his two closest sisters and their fiances as witnesses, then we throw a massive party once my parents are able to come - an all or nothing scenario. she said She wants me and DH there.

She's told my parents and said my mum said it's ok, she understands etc but having spoken to my mum since then, i know she's very upset. i haven't spoken to my Dad yet (my parents are divorced) but I'm sure he's really upset too.

I know it's their day, not mine, but i just feel so upset (and actually slightly sick) at the thought of my parents not being able to attend, especially knowing they're the only ones who wouldn't be there.

I'm thinking of trying to talk to them both together and see if I can make them realize the impact this will have. Or do I just butt out and leave them to it, knowing this will have an impact on the relationship between her and my parents?

As an aside, DH and I eloped when DD was young so I know it may seem hypocritical. We were in our 30s and DD was with us for the wedding. No family were in attendance.

Definitely * I've been watching too much lod!

@lucy5236

Sorry *@Ophanim* I didn't mean it to sound so blunt!

I was assuming it was cultural/religious reasons behind the decision that they had to get married at such a young age, do it so quickly and that your DD would need to give up work.

That sounds to me like they're more under his families control than anything

It's ok, no offense taken.

Your assumption is correct. DD had said she wouldn't give up work but now she's off work and spending time with his sisters I have my doubts whether or not she'll go back to work now.

And yes, i also think his family are behind this. i think that for them, there's a certain amount of face-saving going on. They don't live together before marriage so I think them getting married asap rise everything up nicely for his parents.

@Allusernamesalreadyused

Oh gosh, she's marrying into an Irish Travellers isn't she. I wouldn't be worried about your parents not being there but I would be Hugely concerned about her in laws to be. I'm very surprised as they normally don't marry outside their own culture. Does she fully understand what she's getting into and what type of a life she is expected to live once she's married. As I said I would be very very worried about this situation. And before the do-gooders rant on here about how awful it is to pinpoint this particular ethnicity I'm also Irish and have grown up in a town with a big traveller community. I know what I'm talking about.

They are evangelists. It would be very unusual for a 20 something guy in a traditional traveller family (where the family live traditionally, as OP says this guy's family do) to marry someone who wasn't from a similar background. In any event as I say, Op has confirmed they are evangelist.

I wouldn't be as bothered about your parents not being there as I would be about her marrying into that family with their attitudes

This ^

You have NO legs to stand on re the fact your parents can't get there. However, there are a LOT of things you put in your opening post that I WOULD be concerned about.

This whole thing seems to be heavily biased to what his family want.

Yep, sure does.

Can you meet your DD and her fiancé on neutral territory and discuss that, explaining that although your mother says it’s okay she will in fact be very hurt at missing the wedding. How would his grandmother feel if the position was reversed?
The no work scenario is worrying.

She just pissed off that my mum said she was fine with it and she found out from me that she isn't. I told her my mum would never let on that she was upset to spare DD's feelings.

Are you sure your not focusing on the wedding to avoid worrying about the marriage? I’d be terrified if my DD was marrying someone who felt any pressure to please evangelical relatives. I know I wouldn’t be able to stop her, but I would at the very least start aggressively saving to create an escape fund for her.

oh god, that sounds stressful, she will be barefoot and pregnant before you know it. Can you stage an intervention

@Castlepeak

Are you sure your not focusing on the wedding to avoid worrying about the marriage? I’d be terrified if my DD was marrying someone who felt any pressure to please evangelical relatives. I know I wouldn’t be able to stop her, but I would at the very least start aggressively saving to create an escape fund for her.

This would be my feeling too.

Is the country America? I grew up there in a conservative part of the south. It was extremely common for couples to get married very quickly and young. Not having sex before marriage was very common and as a result lots got married at college. I’m in my late 20s now and all of the couples are still together, the church seems to keep them together for better or worse I suppose.

@Castlepeak

Are you sure your not focusing on the wedding to avoid worrying about the marriage? I’d be terrified if my DD was marrying someone who felt any pressure to please evangelical relatives. I know I wouldn’t be able to stop her, but I would at the very least start aggressively saving to create an escape fund for her.

I wasn't, but my concerns have changed over the course of this thread. At first I was upset for my parents being excluded but writing things down is making me realize that there's a lot more to worry about than who will or won't be at the wedding.

I can't believe that you're more worried about getting to attend the wedding than about your daughter being pushed into a quick marriage! Rather than arguing with your daughter about the date, you need to have an open, loving conversation about her plans for the future.

I grew up in evangelicalism. Engagement and marriage within a year of meeting was the norm, and babies asap afterwards. Divorce is highly frowned upon, so it may be harder to leave if she changes her mind in the future.

If my non-religious daughter was being pushed into marrying into the church, I would be worried for her. Not for other relatives who don't get to dress up for a day!

She did though, to you, which you kindly passed on to your daughter! Was there really any need to tell her? Your mum is a bit upset but she will get over it, nobody has died.

Thank you for telling us fiance's family are evangelists. I was friendly for a long time with a few people who were part of an Evangelical Free Church. They were smashing people! Two of them were really good friends, both dead now unfortunately.

None were married within a few months of meeting, nor did they have children in double figures; they did all marry fairly young and had a baby within two years except for one couple who couldn't have children.

If you are definitely not prepared for a large party of guests at your home, tell them that. It's not unreasonable and in two months we don't know what the Covid status will be.There must be other venues they can use.

I wasn't that close to my grandparents, spent a lot of time with them but as I became an adult we never really had that kind of personal relationship. When I got married I invited them but I actually didn't care if they were there or not. Doesn't sound like she really minds.

Anyway, as others have said this is not the issue at all. I'd be terrified if my daughter was being drawn into a scary controlling religion

I was going to ask if you were in Australia and they are 7th day adventists.
If her fiance does not go to church anymore why in gods name do they have to follow the family's religious driven ideas about getting married so quickly.
I'd ask them both over to discuss the wedding and ask him outright.
I'd be hugely worried about this situation...

I think people need to calm down. Evangelical Christianity isn't a cult. Lots of Christians get divorced and lots of married women keep working. I would say there are slightly more sahms in our church than in the general population and slightly bigger families but nothing extraordinary.

The thing I'm interested in is that your dd isn't apparently a believer and his family are still being supportive of the marriage. That is a huge deal. Most evangelical Christians would be very anxious about that. I think this says a lot about their affection and support for both their son and your dd tbh.

But Fundamentalists (if they are) are a completely different kettle of fish. That coupled with the giving up work comment raises huge red flags. What is the rush?

It's not that your parent are "not invited" though. They're just not able to attend.

I don't think that a whole large wedding should be centred around when 2 guests from another country can attend.

(And tbh if the 2 people that can't attend didn't invite their own child to their wedding, and their own child didn't invite them, I wouldn't be too bothered)

The massive issue here seems to be the haste and the "evangelicals". I'd be more concerned about that.

Financial

@Northernlurker

I think people need to calm down. Evangelical Christianity isn't a cult. Lots of Christians get divorced and lots of married women keep working. I would say there are slightly more sahms in our church than in the general population and slightly bigger families but nothing extraordinary.

The thing I'm interested in is that your dd isn't apparently a believer and his family are still being supportive of the marriage. That is a huge deal. Most evangelical Christians would be very anxious about that. I think this says a lot about their affection and support for both their son and your dd tbh.

If that was all true why are they pressuring them into a fast marriage at a young age? OPs DD has already given up work and not expected to go back so even if she's not a believer (yet!) she's being expected to live by their lifestyle

Maggiesfarm that's great that the two evangelists were wonderful, but it doesn't mean they all are.
Just because none of the people you know got engaged, married and started a family very early doesn't mean it doesn't happen. All his older siblings are married. They all got married young very soon after engagement and started a family straight away with the women giving up work soon after the wedding. I did say in my OP that I can't find anything to back this up, but this is the way his parents have brought them all up, so this is what they are all doing.

northernlurker
I said in my OP that his mother has made no secret of her dislike of DD. She's actually been pretty nasty to DD, shown favourite treatment to his sister's boyfriend, and frequently snubbed her. Funnily enough his mother's attitude has softened slightly since they got engaged. I don't see this as love or support, but rather relief that their son will soon no longer be "living in sin"

Divorce is a big no-no to them too. This is THEM, i'm not saying that this is how evangelists live their lives, but it is how his family live theirs.

I think talk it over with them. It is hurtful to be the only ones left out.
When we had our dds Christened we didn’t invite anyone as my Father was too unwell to come, and my Mother couldn’t leave him. I didn’t want my in-laws etc there when my own parents couldn’t be, so it was just us.

Lots of valid points, but I must say your mum doesnt have a leg to stand on if she didn’t even invite you to her wedding. I’m not sure I’d have it in me to be upset for her.

Are you in the US in a southern state?;was your future son in law raised as a Mormon or something similar?

Hm I was thinking it sounds more like Canadian Mennonites. The US is pretty open for travel but a lot of Canada is still in lockdown.

Either way, wedding guests are the least of your worries OP. I'd be super worried at the possibility of my DD getting trapped in a marriage like this.