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Original poster

Opinions on Boyfriend situation

289 replies

bluelight274 · 22/05/2021 19:47

So I've been seeing someone for 5/6 months long distance. I'm pretty easy going & have NEVER before even remotely questioned bf about anything. Last night I sent him a message in the early eve & thought it was strange that there was only one grey tick on WhatsApp as he always has signal at home. He also usually goes to bed between 9:30-10pm like clockwork, but responded to my message at 10:30pm. (On Day 1 of period, so might have been unreasonable)
Me: Did you go on a date?
Him: What?
Me: it seems like your phone was switched off from early evening.
Him: 🤣🤣🤣
It was charging but on
Me: cat meme saying "fine"
Him: meme saying "you're crazy"
Me: Lol. My text didn't go through until now! It showed up as one tick all evening.
Him: And?
Me: Well it happened to be prime date time 😬
Him: another meme saying "omg, you're really crazy"
Goodnight....
Me: No kiss? 😢
Him: Nope
Never again

He usually texts good morning, nothing this morning, so I texted around midday:
Me: Hey are you ignoring me
Him: yes
Me: why?
Him: you need to find someone closer to you. I can do bullshit.
Me: ?
What bullshit
Him: reposted my msg about his phone being switched off
Me: Ohhh ok. So I sent you a message early evening. And it showed one grey tick all evening until you texted me back at 10pm. Which is very unusual because it always goes to 2 grey ticks to say it’s delivered. There are only 2 reasons for that, one is the person’s phone is switched off, or 2. They’re out of network. So as I have a tendency to catastrophise, I assumed the worst & asked you. You said you didn’t (well, you called me crazy) I believed you & asked for a kiss, you said never & that was it.
So I think there are network problems in your area. Sorry for asking, & telling you what I was thinking. It’s not a reflection on you, it’s a reflection on me.
Him: I am Not going to be on the end of your suspicions etc......I will not explain myself to anyone (been there done that) .....
So I thinks it's best if u find someone closer to u who has more time to give u etc
....
Me: But I’m not a suspicious person. I’m really sorry for asking. It was one silly wobble in all the time I’ve known you, & I believed you & let it go straight away when you told me.
I thought we were joking about it!!
Him: No it wasn't jokes and u know it
Me: I was just saying “please reassure me” & you blew up?!
Him: I didn't blow up .....I just thought I am not in the mood for this shit 🤷

OP posts:
Elderflower14 · 23/05/2021 06:40

Can't believe you thought he was cheating!

wigjuice · 23/05/2021 06:48

Apologies don't mean a thing, your level of scrutiny and neediness is waving red flags everywhere, hardly surprising the poor blokes dumped you. I'd be questioning his sanity if he didn't. Please look into getting some help for yourself.

Sarcobaleno · 23/05/2021 06:56

@Elderflower14

Can't believe you thought he was cheating!
But he was?
toobusytothink · 23/05/2021 06:57

Erm yes you mucked up - I don’t blame him. Sorry but you can’t go around losing it and accusing someone. Even if it is your time of the month ......

cocoloco987 · 23/05/2021 06:59

Gosh, that whole conversation was ridiculous. Sorry OP! I'd have run a mile too. He could be just saying he has met someone to shut the conversation down quicker, he could have been out with anyone and battery died or as you say network problems. Jumping to that wound send me running too. In his words I don't have time for that bullshit!

toobusytothink · 23/05/2021 07:06

Another one who reckons he wasn’t actually cheating - easiest way to end things for certain though. Sounds like he doesn’t want you contacting him again. Learn and move on op

Sillysandy · 23/05/2021 07:15

Hi OP,

Sorry this happened. Five months is not long enough to know each other well but it is long enough to have hope for the future.

An unexpected change in routine when in a LTR is cause for concern alright. I don't see the point of asking "were you on a date?" I might wonder if he was but if he was cheating he wouldn't admit and if he was finishing with me I'd know soon enough.

There's no way of knowing if he did meet someone else but he doesn't want to continue on seeing you. It might be over this or this might be an excuse.

Really I would learn from this however. Being on the receiving end of passive aggressive accusatory 'jokes' is not fun.

Lex345 · 23/05/2021 07:19

OP I think you realise that the assumption you leapt to was a little bit odd and I imagine has been seen as a warning flag to this man. He doesn't know your history with your partner cheating and equally, I assume, you do not know his. If he has been in a relationship before where every move he makes is analysed or he has been accused of cheating before based on-I'm sorry OP-nothing, this may have been triggering for him.
As to your update from him, firstly I would take it with a pinch of salt. He may have met someone else or he may just be saying that to ensure you get the message. Secondly, I would urge you not to fixate on this proving you right-given you have history of being cheated on and this admission from him apparently confirms your suspicions, you are at risk of normalising your behaviour and it will damage any future relationship you have. We all go into relationships blind. We all go into them vulnerable in one way or another. But it is no way to live to be constantly looking for reasons or signs someone is being unfaithful. You are going to need to let go of the mindset before having another relationship or it is very likely you will sabotage the next one too.

Some men cheat. And they are bastards. But many men don't. There is no way of knowing if someone will do that to you. But if you want a healthy relationship, you cannot use every little deviation from what is normal or routine as justification for accusing someone of cheating.

I know it probably feels harsh that for one "slip" he has ended it. But it was a pretty big leap and to be honest I think it is for the best. It gives you time to work on you and figure out how you will manage your trust issues going forward.

Don't be too hard on yourself, what is done is done. But this should give you a bit of insight into where you are emotionally after your past relationship and hopefully you can work through these issues before starting another relationship. Good luck!

AnxiousPixie · 23/05/2021 08:02

Oh dear, you know you did the wrong thing. I think the bigger thing here is that your can't have an actual conversation about it.

RiojaRose · 23/05/2021 08:19

For me the question would be: what is it about the days or weeks leading up to this event that suggested ‘he’s on a date’ instead of ‘his phone is broken’ or ‘he has some kind of family/friend emergency’ or any other possible explanation.

When my ex cheated on me I had no idea there was anything going on at first, but it came out in other ways: he was uncharacteristically off with me. Lots of little things that seemed like nothing but added up to something. It’s hard to explain. But yes, a change to a fixed routine seems like a bigger deal if it’s not the first thing you’ve noticed that seems off.

Moonshine160 · 23/05/2021 08:33

If I were in his position I would find the accusation rather uncomfortable and weird so soon into a long distance relationship and it would definitely put me off. However the fact that he immediately ended the relationship so abruptly (or seems to have) makes me assume that he had already made his mind up prior to last night that he didn’t want to continue with the relationship.

Sorry OP, I do think people have been unnecessarily harsh to you on this thread, insecurities really can eat you up. I would let this be a lesson learned moving forward with other relationships. Flowers

DrBlackbird · 23/05/2021 08:46

Everyone now piling on the OP and saying she's odd or needy or screwed up or that she should get help clearly have not RTT Grin

cocoloco987 · 23/05/2021 08:56

Everyone now piling on the OP and saying she's odd or needy or screwed up or that she should get help clearly have not RTT

No, we've read the thread!

Twoforthree · 23/05/2021 09:08

I was going to post that the op reacted wrongly but she did write lol fairly early on, so his reaction was a bit quick too, considering she’d said that.
Now we know why he was a bit too quick.
Sorry op.

Journeynotdestination · 23/05/2021 09:37

OP you must be feeling awful this morning, hope you are ok. I’ve been I a LTR and it can be hard to trust the other person if you’ve had a bad time in a previous relationship. I have and would probably, I’m being honest here, have reacted in a similar way to you in the past. Albeit in a more subtle manner. The thing is you have acted over the top but it’s because you need to work on yourself, your self esteem, trust issues and boundaries to feel safe. I’m in my ‘50’s and so wish I’d done this when I was younger as I’m only just sorted out now. Don’t feel too ashamed, see it as a trigger to sort yourself out.

DizzySquirrel90 · 23/05/2021 09:55

@DrBlackbird

Everyone now piling on the OP and saying she's odd or needy or screwed up or that she should get help clearly have not RTT Grin
Everyone saying stuff like this is gonna make the OP think her behaviour was ok and she won't try to change it or fix it.

OP honestly if you don't work on yourself you'll be in the same situation again.

Lovelydiscusfish · 23/05/2021 10:06

But her behaviour was ok, because she was right, HE WAS ON A DATE! How can she be “unhinged” for speaking the truth?

WouldBeGood · 23/05/2021 10:17

@RiojaRose

For me the question would be: what is it about the days or weeks leading up to this event that suggested ‘he’s on a date’ instead of ‘his phone is broken’ or ‘he has some kind of family/friend emergency’ or any other possible explanation.

When my ex cheated on me I had no idea there was anything going on at first, but it came out in other ways: he was uncharacteristically off with me. Lots of little things that seemed like nothing but added up to something. It’s hard to explain. But yes, a change to a fixed routine seems like a bigger deal if it’s not the first thing you’ve noticed that seems off.

Yes to this.

I reckon you might have sensed it. Though handled it badly.

Therapy has helped me a lot since being cheated on by XH and might help you.

DizzySquirrel90 · 23/05/2021 10:21

@Lovelydiscusfish

But her behaviour was ok, because she was right, HE WAS ON A DATE! How can she be “unhinged” for speaking the truth?
No her behaviour wasn't ok regardless of wether she was right! My goodness if you think it's ok behaviour I really feel for your relationships!!
CandyLeBonBon · 23/05/2021 10:22

@Lovelydiscusfish

But her behaviour was ok, because she was right, HE WAS ON A DATE! How can she be “unhinged” for speaking the truth?
No. We don't know that. It's entirely possible that: A) the op told us that's what he said to save face as the thread wasn't going her way B) he just said that to get her off his back and shut down communication C) he said it sarcastically because, really, it doesn't matter what he says, that's what the op thinks he was up to anyway so he's saying it just to piss her off because he's annoyed at the accusation D) he was actually seeing someone.

His sudden and dramatic U turn/confession after 5/6 months of them seeming apparently happy, following one evening of weirdness on the op's part seems odd and slightly unbelievable to me, so I'm not really buying the idea that he was actually seeing anyone at all. It just doesn't add up.

cocoloco987 · 23/05/2021 10:23

But her behaviour was ok, because she was right, HE WAS ON A DATE! How can she be “unhinged” for speaking the truth?

Where does it state he was in a date? He eventually said he'd met someone which may or may not be true. Might have thought it was the easiest way to get OP to stop contacting him. How wet he hasn't as far as I can gather stated he was on a date at that time.

DizzySquirrel90 · 23/05/2021 10:24

@CandyLeBonBon I agree. It also would seem by his reaction that this behaviour has happened from the OP before.

thebestnamehere · 23/05/2021 10:29

I would go No Contact with him now and see if he contacts you. Relationship is probably over though so just let it go

Original poster
bluelight274 · 23/05/2021 11:10

I think I'm feeling worse about this thread than what happened.
Of course I realise that I was being unreasonable. But I struggled to understand why he ended it so quickly, with no history of previous disagreements.
Also the way I come across on texts is a bit weird and blunt. When I asked the question, It was lighthearted ifykwim. I wasn't fretting about it that evening, I just thought "oh that's a bit odd" & when he got in touch again, I asked. And my reply to his answer was a meme & lol. I was literally smiling to myself at our exchange.
I have a feeling he was wanting to end it, because I told him details of a rare chronic disease I have a few days ago.

OP posts:
Naunet · 23/05/2021 11:18

If this was the otherwise round we would be telling the OP what a huge ted flag and to end the relationship
It’s no different, your behaviour was the red flag

Err, that is what people are saying, we don’t need a “if this was the other way around....” post!

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