Opinions on Boyfriend situation

[bluelight274]

So I've been seeing someone for 5/6 months long distance. I'm pretty easy going & have NEVER before even remotely questioned bf about anything. Last night I sent him a message in the early eve & thought it was strange that there was only one grey tick on WhatsApp as he always has signal at home. He also usually goes to bed between 9:30-10pm like clockwork, but responded to my message at 10:30pm. (On Day 1 of period, so might have been unreasonable)
Me: Did you go on a date?
Him: What?
Me: it seems like your phone was switched off from early evening.
Him: 🤣🤣🤣
It was charging but on
Me: cat meme saying "fine"
Him: meme saying "you're crazy"
Me: Lol. My text didn't go through until now! It showed up as one tick all evening.
Him: And?
Me: Well it happened to be prime date time 😬
Him: another meme saying "omg, you're really crazy"
Goodnight....
Me: No kiss? 😢
Him: Nope
Never again

He usually texts good morning, nothing this morning, so I texted around midday:
Me: Hey are you ignoring me
Him: yes
Me: why?
Him: you need to find someone closer to you. I can do bullshit.
Me: ?
What bullshit
Him: reposted my msg about his phone being switched off
Me: Ohhh ok. So I sent you a message early evening. And it showed one grey tick all evening until you texted me back at 10pm. Which is very unusual because it always goes to 2 grey ticks to say it’s delivered. There are only 2 reasons for that, one is the person’s phone is switched off, or 2. They’re out of network. So as I have a tendency to catastrophise, I assumed the worst & asked you. You said you didn’t (well, you called me crazy) I believed you & asked for a kiss, you said never & that was it.
So I think there are network problems in your area. Sorry for asking, & telling you what I was thinking. It’s not a reflection on you, it’s a reflection on me.
Him: I am Not going to be on the end of your suspicions etc......I will not explain myself to anyone (been there done that) .....
So I thinks it's best if u find someone closer to u who has more time to give u etc
....
Me: But I’m not a suspicious person. I’m really sorry for asking. It was one silly wobble in all the time I’ve known you, & I believed you & let it go straight away when you told me.
I thought we were joking about it!!
Him: No it wasn't jokes and u know it
Me: I was just saying “please reassure me” & you blew up?!
Him: I didn't blow up .....I just thought I am not in the mood for this shit 🤷

Just look at it as a lucky escape OP, if he was really into you he wouldn’t have ended it, he obviously wasn’t ‘the one’. Plenty more fish in the sea.

He tried to end it previously over a text. I was missing him & wished he were coming over & said "you coming over for dinner?" & he thought it was meant for someone else. So that's what I mean about my blunt/not 100% serious texts.

When I asked the question, It was lighthearted ifykwim. I wasn't fretting about it that evening, I just thought "oh that's a bit odd"

Is this actually the case though?

I don't think your initial 'were you on a the date' question was light hearted at all, I think that you were annoyed he hadn't replied, anxious about why and then when you didn't get the reaction you wanted (reassurance) you backtracked and said you were joking to try to diffuse the situation as he was clearly annoyed...

You say there is no previous history of disagreements so are confused at him wanting to end it....but then youve also said he tried to end it before via text?

Sounds to me that it might've been about to end anyway and this has given him an excuse?!

I know you intended it as a joke but it maybe didn't come across that way to him? If I got that from a guy I'd have thought it was a passive aggressive joke, as in "I'll pretend I'm joking but really I mean it"

Sorry you're having such a tough time. If he has ended it over you telling him about your illness he's a dick anyway

Maybe in futrure try using actual words to communicate rather than stupid memes.

You say there is no previous history of disagreements so are confused at him wanting to end it....but then youve also said he tried to end it before via text?

I thought this too. I think OP that you need to try and be more honest with yourself about your relationship dynamic.

I have a feeling he was wanting to end it, because I told him details of a rare chronic disease I have a few days ago

You may have hit the nail on the head there, puts this comment of his into context

So I thinks it's best if u find someone closer to u who has more time to give u etc

You say he had already tried to end it before over text (he sounds really manipulative in that prior situation btw). Please don't waste any more time on him. Onwards and upwards

Nope I’m with him. You aren’t ready to be dating. Who sends a message to their boyfriend asking if he’s on a date 🙈. Let this one go and seek therapy before dating.

I'm another one saying he hasn't met someone else. I think he's said it in the same vein that women tell blokes they have a boyfriend when they don't to get them off their backs.

Lots of inconsistencies in your posts, OP.

He did the right thing.

@PaperMoonshine

I'm another one saying he hasn't met someone else. I think he's said it in the same vein that women tell blokes they have a boyfriend when they don't to get them off their backs.

Lots of inconsistencies in your posts, OP.

He did the right thing.

Completely agree. She’s either made it up to get sympathy or he’s said it so she stops messaging if it’s true. I think everyone’s used the line I’ve met someone else before.

Either way he did the right thing in ending it. She’s too needy.

I don't think anyone could be accused of using Mumsnet for sympathy ... its not that kind of environment 😂

You were quite needy. Who knows if he really has met someone else or he's just dumping you?

But you weren't crazy, cray cray (what the hell is that - baby talk for crazy?), or a psycho

Sucks for you that the Mumsnet overreactors got hold of your thread.

Lesson learned OP and actually two birds with one stone because turns out he wasn’t worth the stress anyway.

Happier times already on the way .

There's more to this than a grey tick from a WhatsApp message. If it's a standard alone thing then YABU. If not, he must have you reason prior to this for you to distrust him..

This thread is FULL of people stating opinions as solid facts, no-one can possibly know for certain if he has or hasn't met someone else.

From a cold reading of the situation, all we can be sure of is that the boyfriend changed his behaviour that evening - possibly because he wanted to end it (because of the illness, someone else or both).

The OP felt something was off, jumped to a conclusion, and sent an inappropriate question on WhatsApp. And then sent further silly messages.

And then he ended it, with a speed which suggests he was going to anyway, but now had a really convenient excuse.

OP - you've had torrents of criticism for this - and yes, your messages were slightly bunny-boiler, but I'm sure you're also devastated and shocked. I'd leave the thread alone as I don't think it's going to help as much as hinder, but do take on board advice about getting help for your insecurities/past trauma so you can feel more confident and balanced in future relationships.

Op, with kindness, i think you both have not handled this correctly. I think your telling him about your chronic disease was probably what decided it for him. 5/6 months in you should have discussed this with him much much earlier in the relationship. Me personally, i would be furious if someone i was seeing kept that from me for so long and allowing me to form a relationship that i ordinarily would choose to be in. I would be the same way if they told me 6 months in they had young children. I am 50 and only want relationships now with men who have grown up children as i have. He may well have been seeing you and another and hedging his bets as it were. If so, you are better off without him.

He really should have met with you or called you , to end the relationship and explain why with kindness and honesty. I think you suspected that you telling him a few days ago , may be the catalyst for something and you were on high alert. Your instinct was correct. I think your cheating txt however was a bit much but you know that yourself.

Put this one down to experience but i would say OP and with kindness, you need to disclose your illness much earlier on in the dating process. That way neither of you is overly investing in a relationship where this issue could be a deciding factor in the others thought processes. Focus on yourself for a little while now and get back in the dating game when you feel emotionally stronger.

@bluelight274

He tried to end it previously over a text. I was missing him & wished he were coming over & said "you coming over for dinner?" & he thought it was meant for someone else. So that's what I mean about my blunt/not 100% serious texts.

This latest post changes this immeasurably op,

"he tried to end things previously"

He had ended things previously and you had not accepted that in your mind. Maybe he did block you and unblocked you when you asked him to come round for dinner, it bamboozled him into answering.

So your conversation was passive aggresive asking if he had been on a date.
You obviously wanted answers to why you were being discarded and unfortunately ended up being on the recieving end of his temper at your refusal to accept that it's over.
6 months is a long time if you feel you had connected but really any more correspondance should stop, he has the right to change his mind about ending the relationship.
You have to respect that and also respect yourself.
No more texting, you are acting as though he doesn't know what he wants, he does.

Sorry you feel bad, it's horrible being dumped. Forget him, I'm also sorry about your illness.

You are also concentrating on the minutiae of the conversation when you should be looking at the bigger picture.

He no longer wishes to be with you.
Walk away with your pride op, maybe he has met someone but he's telling you that is no concern of yours now.

@CharlotteRose90

Nope I’m with him. You aren’t ready to be dating. Who sends a message to their boyfriend asking if he’s on a date 🙈. Let this one go and seek therapy before dating.

Someone whose boyfriend was actually on a date, as in this case?

Why on earth does she need therapy? To blind her to the truth? She guessed he was on a date. HE WAS!

If you seek reassurance or validation from a partner you may find you have an anxious attachment style, I have one too and I can see some of the signs.

Knowing someone's schedule, fixating on them not getting back to you.

I'd probably be concerned too over the one tick, but starting with 'were you on a date?' Was confrontational, if he has had partners like this in the past, he might see that as a huge red flag and walk away.

5-6 months is still early days, especially long distance and he may just not want to be involved with someone expressing these issues.

I've lost a number of relationships due to a mixture of my attachment style and being drawn to emotionally unavailable men. The only way forward is through therapy and self reflection.

Too those who may think it's 'crazy' 'controlling' or 'needy' these attachments are often created in childhood and incredibly difficult to realign

I've just seen your update, sounds emotionally unavailable and a twat!

I hate when guys have dragged it out with me, even in times when I've been like 'shall we end things,'

People take pride in being the good one, not ending things, blocking etc, but it's cowardness that's all

Just been reading through this thread and I think people owe the OP an apology.

Someone predicted a few pages in he could have been on the defensive and created the argument. I thought it was a bit OTT of the OP to suggest cheating just because a message didn't deliver but equally her DP was being OTT having finished the relationship due to one accusation.

It seems like hes met someone else and a woman instinct knows when something different. He clearly had his phone switched off while seeing the other woman. Then used you asking him about it to create an argument.

Gas lighting cheating bastard.

Always trust your instincts!

@Lovelydiscusfish she does need therapy. She openly asked the man she’s been dating if he’s on a date with someone else because he didn’t reply to her for a few hours. Then she changed her story on here after being told her she was being crazy to suddenly he’s met someone else. It’s a load of crap and she needs therapy for her insecurities. He was NOT on a date and we all know it.

@bluelight274

He tried to end it previously over a text. I was missing him & wished he were coming over & said "you coming over for dinner?" & he thought it was meant for someone else. So that's what I mean about my blunt/not 100% serious texts.

Well those are two ENORMOUS drip feeds aren't the OP?

Why withhold that info? It's really disingenuous.

@MrsHastingslikethebattle

Just been reading through this thread and I think people owe the OP an apology.

Someone predicted a few pages in he could have been on the defensive and created the argument. I thought it was a bit OTT of the OP to suggest cheating just because a message didn't deliver but equally her DP was being OTT having finished the relationship due to one accusation.

It seems like hes met someone else and a woman instinct knows when something different. He clearly had his phone switched off while seeing the other woman. Then used you asking him about it to create an argument.

Gas lighting cheating bastard.

Always trust your instincts!

Why? He'd already finished with her?