Opinions on Boyfriend situation

[bluelight274]

So I've been seeing someone for 5/6 months long distance. I'm pretty easy going & have NEVER before even remotely questioned bf about anything. Last night I sent him a message in the early eve & thought it was strange that there was only one grey tick on WhatsApp as he always has signal at home. He also usually goes to bed between 9:30-10pm like clockwork, but responded to my message at 10:30pm. (On Day 1 of period, so might have been unreasonable)
Me: Did you go on a date?
Him: What?
Me: it seems like your phone was switched off from early evening.
Him: 🤣🤣🤣
It was charging but on
Me: cat meme saying "fine"
Him: meme saying "you're crazy"
Me: Lol. My text didn't go through until now! It showed up as one tick all evening.
Him: And?
Me: Well it happened to be prime date time 😬
Him: another meme saying "omg, you're really crazy"
Goodnight....
Me: No kiss? 😢
Him: Nope
Never again

He usually texts good morning, nothing this morning, so I texted around midday:
Me: Hey are you ignoring me
Him: yes
Me: why?
Him: you need to find someone closer to you. I can do bullshit.
Me: ?
What bullshit
Him: reposted my msg about his phone being switched off
Me: Ohhh ok. So I sent you a message early evening. And it showed one grey tick all evening until you texted me back at 10pm. Which is very unusual because it always goes to 2 grey ticks to say it’s delivered. There are only 2 reasons for that, one is the person’s phone is switched off, or 2. They’re out of network. So as I have a tendency to catastrophise, I assumed the worst & asked you. You said you didn’t (well, you called me crazy) I believed you & asked for a kiss, you said never & that was it.
So I think there are network problems in your area. Sorry for asking, & telling you what I was thinking. It’s not a reflection on you, it’s a reflection on me.
Him: I am Not going to be on the end of your suspicions etc......I will not explain myself to anyone (been there done that) .....
So I thinks it's best if u find someone closer to u who has more time to give u etc
....
Me: But I’m not a suspicious person. I’m really sorry for asking. It was one silly wobble in all the time I’ve known you, & I believed you & let it go straight away when you told me.
I thought we were joking about it!!
Him: No it wasn't jokes and u know it
Me: I was just saying “please reassure me” & you blew up?!
Him: I didn't blow up .....I just thought I am not in the mood for this shit 🤷

[quote CharlotteRose90]@Lovelydiscusfish she does need therapy. She openly asked the man she’s been dating if he’s on a date with someone else because he didn’t reply to her for a few hours. Then she changed her story on here after being told her she was being crazy to suddenly he’s met someone else. It’s a load of crap and she needs therapy for her insecurities. He was NOT on a date and we all know it.[/quote]
Well, a) the threshold on here for “needing” therapy is utterly laughable. It appears to apply to anybody who ever feels any degree of insecurity in a relationship in any way. Not just counselling, fucking THERAPY, no less!

Perhaps OP should seek a full frontal lobotomy instead? So as to avoid ever displaying emotions which might be troubling to MEN.....

B) unless I have totally misread this thread, he later admitted to her that he had met someone else? So she was right - HE WAS ON A DATE! Why is he being disbelieved? It’s a new one on me. Man who says he was cheating actually wasn’t?

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had various counselling and therapy myself and am all in favour of it. What I am NOT in favour of is people casually diagnosing women they don’t know as needing it, simply because that woman has said something which happens to have upset a bloke.....

@Lovelydiscusfish

If someone says they've been repeatedly cheated on in the past and that impacts their current relationships, it's not an insult to suggest counselling... it's constructive as it can benefit their life hugely moving forwards. It's not a diagnosis, it's a suggestion - this is MN not a doctor's office. There's no shame in trying new ways to improve your attitude towards relationships in order to have the best chance to have healthy ones.

@bluelight274

how are you today ., 🌸

@PinkSatinMoon thank you for asking. I thought I was fine, but woke up with a migraine which has just now passed thankfully.

To those that asked, I told him about my illness on the 3rd date & dropped in pieces of info here & there. He didn't ask any questions all this time, so I laid it out for him a few days ago.

Also I think me making up the bit that he said he'd met someone on an anonymous forum is a bit far-fetched, even for someone "batshit crazy" 😏

unless I have totally misread this thread, he later admitted to her that he had met someone else? So she was right - HE WAS ON A DATE! Why is he being disbelieved? It’s a new one on me. Man who says he was cheating actually wasn’t

We don’t know if he was on a date. What we know is that the op says he has told her he’s met someone else. That doesn’t mean he was actually on a date at the time the op was staring waiting for 2 grey ticks.

Even Whether he was cheating or not is not clear from the op’s drip feeds - that he ‘had tried’ to end it previously. What does that mean? That the op refused to accept it? Talked him into keeping going? We don’t know.

[quote bluelight274]@PinkSatinMoon thank you for asking. I thought I was fine, but woke up with a migraine which has just now passed thankfully.

To those that asked, I told him about my illness on the 3rd date & dropped in pieces of info here & there. He didn't ask any questions all this time, so I laid it out for him a few days ago.

Also I think me making up the bit that he said he'd met someone on an anonymous forum is a bit far-fetched, even for someone "batshit crazy" 😏[/quote]
I don't think people are suggesting you made up that he said this, but are rather doubting that he's being honest with you in saying he's found someone else.

Also I think me making up the bit that he said he'd met someone on an anonymous forum is a bit far-fetched, even for someone "batshit crazy"

I don't think you made it up. I suspect he might have as his previous attempts to end it weren't accepted and you handled him the excuse on a plate. Alternatively there may be someone else he's talking to that he likes but that doesn't mea he was on a date with her at the time in question

Cmon folks, don’t be so naive to believe he met someone else, he’s said that to get rid of OP.
Her behaviour is ridiculous, he tried to end it previously, saying there’s someone else is his best bet to put an end to it.

@HerMammy

Cmon folks, don’t be so naive to believe he met someone else, he’s said that to get rid of OP. Her behaviour is ridiculous, he tried to end it previously, saying there’s someone else is his best bet to put an end to it.

OP's gut instinct was correct... she knows his routine.. it changed.. something was very off.. She was bang on the money.. and then he admitted it..

It disappoints posters that called OP horrid names to find she was correct in her gut instinct..

OP you trusted your instincts.. called him out immediately.. good on you. 🌸

If a man accused me of being on a date because a message didn't deliver that would be a firld of red bunting for me.

Actually I think it has happened.

Jesus I lose signal in the back of Sainsbury's....

OP's gut instinct was correct... she knows his routine.. it changed.. something was very off.. She was bang on the money.. and then he admitted it..

She knows hs routine?

Not sure I'd like to think that someone had scrutinised my movements to the point where I was being accused of shit because i was doing something different to they expected. Not after 5 months of lockdown dating!

@nevernotstruggling

If a man accused me of being on a date because a message didn't deliver that would be a firld of red bunting for me.

Actually I think it has happened.

Jesus I lose signal in the back of Sainsbury's....

Likewise.

@PaperMoonshine

OP's gut instinct was correct... she knows his routine.. it changed.. something was very off.. She was bang on the money.. and then he admitted it..

She knows hs routine?

Not sure I'd like to think that someone had scrutinised my movements to the point where I was being accused of shit because i was doing something different to they expected. Not after 5 months of lockdown dating!

Exactly because of 5 months lockdown dating... he's been online daily sharing all his plans and routines ...

OP was correct... Gut instincts were spot on.. more people should trust that. 🌸

@nevernotstruggling

If a man accused me of being on a date because a message didn't deliver that would be a firld of red bunting for me.

Actually I think it has happened.

Jesus I lose signal in the back of Sainsbury's....

then it turned out you WERE on a date and admitted it 🤔🙄

OP was correct... Gut instincts were spot on.. more people should trust that

I still think it's likely he just made that bit up.

I'm.not sure she was trusting her git instincts as much as catastrophising and, ifit is true, struck lucky on this occasion.

She said he'd already tried to end it. Tried to? What stopped him?

If that's the case, then the OP should have let him end it and walked away.

@PinkSatinMoon

Or you just said it to get the other person off your back for good so they wouldn't keep being so intense and passive aggressive...

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@PinkSatinMoon

Or you just said it to get the other person off your back for good so they wouldn't keep being so intense and passive aggressive...[/quote]

perhaps...

but why believe only part of a Thread and not all of a Thread..

@PaperMoonshine

OP was correct... Gut instincts were spot on.. more people should trust that

I still think it's likely he just made that bit up.

I'm.not sure she was trusting her git instincts as much as catastrophising and, ifit is true, struck lucky on this occasion.

She said he'd already tried to end it. Tried to? What stopped him?

If that's the case, then the OP should have let him end it and walked away.

He likely did try to end it.. which makes what he said all the more believable.

He was probably hedging his bets but was backed into a corner, so lashing out with honesty is no great surprise.

[quote bluelight274]@PinkSatinMoon thank you for asking. I thought I was fine, but woke up with a migraine which has just now passed thankfully.

To those that asked, I told him about my illness on the 3rd date & dropped in pieces of info here & there. He didn't ask any questions all this time, so I laid it out for him a few days ago.

Also I think me making up the bit that he said he'd met someone on an anonymous forum is a bit far-fetched, even for someone "batshit crazy" 😏[/quote]
People make stuff up in here every single day OP.

Then Report it.. to Mumsnet HQ 🌸

OP - it almost doesn't matter whether it's true that he's met someone else or not. You need to think about how you approached this.

Asking your partner if they were on a date with someone else just because your message didn't deliver is way OTT. Even if your spider senses are tingling like mad, you'll sound absolutely bonkers, not to mention insecure and needy. There's a way to gently probe without practically accusing them of shagging around. And tbh, in the majority of cases you shouldn't need to probe - because a delayed message could be due to one of a hundred different reasons. In 99.9999% of cases there will be an innocent explanation. You could have literally just said "hey, you're up late tonight - all OK?"...

You've had a tough time with previous relationships - you need to make peace with yourself before moving on to a new partner, or else you're going to make the same mistakes again.

FWIW, I don't think he's met someone new - I think he's just told you that to make sure you don't contact him again. But maybe he was getting cold feet, and that was what your gut instinct was picking up. Either way, you handled it badly due to being hurt in the past, so take some time to work on yourself and heal.

then it turned out you WERE on a date and admitted it

Except, he’s admitted no such thing. He’s told her that he met someone else. He never said “yes I was on a date at the time you texted and I had turned my phone off so that’s why there was only one tick”. He may or may not be telling the truth about having met someone else, it may well be that he’s saying it to get rid of the op, but people saying that he actually WAS out on a date are wrong

Why are some posters saying op was right and he was on a date? Absolute balls.

Literally all she said was

I just texted a one line apology with the intention of leaving him be & he replied that he had met someone else & wished me well!!!!

It's pretty obvious that he is saying this in last ditch attempt to get op to leave him alone.

And I'm not surprised. Having repeatedly tried to end this politely and kindly, she was STILL hassling him with 'apologies'. He's said whatever he hopes will actually get her to stop messaging him.

Now is the time to drop this.

but why believe only part of a Thread and not all of a Thread..

Just a bit of a coincidence. He might well have said no such thing. She might have said it just to garner some support.

The OP's posts until that point showed very much that she was in the wrong in very great detail. Then a quick simple update that he has met someone else and little else? Doesn't add up.

People who ruminate and catastrophise, ruminate and catastrophise!

There is no way someone who posted in such detail about WhatsApp ticks would not be satisfied with such a brief update.

Not saying she's a T. I believe all of it except that he has met someone else.

Don't feel bad about this thread, OP.

I don't think your boyfriend is very nice. You clearly don't feel comfortable with him, otherwise you wouldn't be worrying. 'I don't need this shit' is a very teenaged thing to text someone you allegedly care about. Given your history, I would take a break right now and look after yourself.