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Original poster

Opinions on Boyfriend situation

289 replies

bluelight274 · 22/05/2021 19:47

So I've been seeing someone for 5/6 months long distance. I'm pretty easy going & have NEVER before even remotely questioned bf about anything. Last night I sent him a message in the early eve & thought it was strange that there was only one grey tick on WhatsApp as he always has signal at home. He also usually goes to bed between 9:30-10pm like clockwork, but responded to my message at 10:30pm. (On Day 1 of period, so might have been unreasonable)
Me: Did you go on a date?
Him: What?
Me: it seems like your phone was switched off from early evening.
Him: 🤣🤣🤣
It was charging but on
Me: cat meme saying "fine"
Him: meme saying "you're crazy"
Me: Lol. My text didn't go through until now! It showed up as one tick all evening.
Him: And?
Me: Well it happened to be prime date time 😬
Him: another meme saying "omg, you're really crazy"
Goodnight....
Me: No kiss? 😢
Him: Nope
Never again

He usually texts good morning, nothing this morning, so I texted around midday:
Me: Hey are you ignoring me
Him: yes
Me: why?
Him: you need to find someone closer to you. I can do bullshit.
Me: ?
What bullshit
Him: reposted my msg about his phone being switched off
Me: Ohhh ok. So I sent you a message early evening. And it showed one grey tick all evening until you texted me back at 10pm. Which is very unusual because it always goes to 2 grey ticks to say it’s delivered. There are only 2 reasons for that, one is the person’s phone is switched off, or 2. They’re out of network. So as I have a tendency to catastrophise, I assumed the worst & asked you. You said you didn’t (well, you called me crazy) I believed you & asked for a kiss, you said never & that was it.
So I think there are network problems in your area. Sorry for asking, & telling you what I was thinking. It’s not a reflection on you, it’s a reflection on me.
Him: I am Not going to be on the end of your suspicions etc......I will not explain myself to anyone (been there done that) .....
So I thinks it's best if u find someone closer to u who has more time to give u etc
....
Me: But I’m not a suspicious person. I’m really sorry for asking. It was one silly wobble in all the time I’ve known you, & I believed you & let it go straight away when you told me.
I thought we were joking about it!!
Him: No it wasn't jokes and u know it
Me: I was just saying “please reassure me” & you blew up?!
Him: I didn't blow up .....I just thought I am not in the mood for this shit 🤷

OP posts:
Backtoblack1 · 22/05/2021 20:54

Some very unkind comments on here and not necessary.

Onthedunes · 22/05/2021 20:54

Hi op, I'm not going to pile on.
Don't beat youself up, you have a long distance relationship and you clearly have some kind of routine going which involves nightime goodnights.

6 months of constantly being there for one another made you assume there was a mutual support system going on.

Last night that changed, his ticks indicated he was unvailable, you questioned that, he then acted affronted by your smothering behaviour, doing a sharp u turn.

I think I would be annoyed if someone led me on to believe I could trust them with my feelings only to find 6 months later he was belittling my insecurity out of the blue.

It looks like he's found a better option.
Don't beg, he's not the one.

Original poster
bluelight274 · 22/05/2021 20:54

I guess it doesn't matter now. But He normally texts goodnight like clockwork at a certain time each night (his choice). But I had a feeling before that, the message not being delivered and the change in routine just combined to produce that crazy thought in my head and I have no filter, so I asked it.
Honestly if he asked it, I would be all loving and reassuring, but I understand now why he would be angry. This is what I came here for, to understand his reaction and to gauge if it was enough to end a (promising) relationship over. Oh and definitely no prior offenses on my part, I hadn't indirectly questioned or implied anything previously.

OP posts:
Maddox33 · 22/05/2021 21:01

I would chalk this one up to experience and leave this man be. It sounds as if he's been on the receiving end of jealous rants from previous girlfriends and can't bear the thought of going through it all again.

I was driving home from my mum's earlier and had absolutely no network for the 4 hour drive - no idea what happened, but as soon as I pulled into the drive my phone went barmy with messages and updates coming through on home WiFi. It could have been something just as simple, yet you virtually accused him of being on a date with someone else!

WhatsALieIn · 22/05/2021 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/05/2021 21:09

Worrying you were even thinking about him moving closer to you and your child after dating for 5/6 months especially as the last 5/6 months haven't been 'normal' life in the grand scheme of things.

You said "So as I have a tendency to catastrophise" and I think it's worth really thinking about that tendency and working on managing it better. I used to be the same and counselling really helped me to get coping strategies to stop me spiralling / thinking the worst. If you had those, for example, you would have seen it didn't go to two ticks on his phone and have thought his phone is probably off / out of network etc initially and not sent what was a rude text from you 'joking' (but not joking at all) about whether he was on a date. All that was down to spiralling.

If you've been cheated on before then therapy can help you work through that trauma so you can have healthier relationships.

I know it feels rubbish for you today but he did the right thing as it was very inappropriate of you and unfair.

One to chalk up to experience but as I say, worth exploring why you catastrophise and how to manage it better.

Opaljewel · 22/05/2021 21:17

Sorry but you are coming across as needy and stalkerish. Back away from the WhatsApp. Seriously reverse this how would you feel to be questioned like this?

Notaroadrunner · 22/05/2021 21:18

Accept it's over. You came across as controlling and he didn't like it. He is free to end it and has done so, so leave him alone. How often did you actually 'see' each other in the space of 5/6 months considering a lot of that time was during lockdown and you were long distance? I can't believe he was planning to move closer to you after such a short time. He's right. Find someone closer to your area, and take things slowly next time.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/05/2021 21:19

@Viviennemary

If this was a man behaving like this folk would be saying he is a jealous conntrol freak and to run for the hills. Give it a day or two apologise again and say he misunderstood.
This is shit advice. Don’t tell him he’s misunderstood. He hasn’t. He’s got healthy boundaries. That’s a good thing.

OP, stop blaming your period, it’s embarrassing. Chalk this one up to experience. You’re now suggesting you were right and he was on a date?! That’s worrying paranoia and based on absolutely nothing.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 22/05/2021 21:21

@something2say

Hmm.

Dont beg anymore, you've come across all reasonable and he's saying nope all of a sudden.

Bit of a non issue to break up over. Why is he so ok with breaking up suddenly??

And if course, why the one tick???

Reasonable!????
Bluntness100 · 22/05/2021 21:22

Eugh. Why do you keep blaming your hormones for bad behaviour? Just own it for goodness sake.

NCtitleofyoursextape · 22/05/2021 21:22

I think you showed a massive lack of trust and he probably feels hugely insulted. Especially as you kept explaining your rationale for him to continue to justify himself rather than you instantly trusting and accepting what he said and apologising.
In a long distance relationship of a few months you’ve probably not had the chance to be sufficiently invested in each other that someone could easily brush this off, he would be forgiven for thinking ‘fuck this’.
Sorry OP.

Lanesra1886 · 22/05/2021 21:23

WhatsApp is for stalkers

Bluntness100 · 22/05/2021 21:26

@Lanesra1886

WhatsApp is for stalkers
Um what? I use what’s app all the time, as do all my friends none of us are stalkers like rhe op.
Littlepaws18 · 22/05/2021 21:27

He's not into you. If he isn't interested in sitting out a quite small issue, they don't flog a dead horse! You should of just said straight out. Why didn't you reply last night? Rather than the crazy ness about ticks. But his response was way off too.

Good job you know all this now, dating us brutal go and find someone who deserves your time.

Oh and don't start with 'I am so easy going' you are monitoring ticks- social media has absolutely messed up our mental health.

Oldraver · 22/05/2021 21:28

Crikey he's had a close call

You were acting like a love struck jealous 17 year old

CtrlU · 22/05/2021 21:29

You sound so needy and clingy

I would of blocked you if I were him after you suggested an undelivered message meant I’m on a date

CtrlU · 22/05/2021 21:30

How long have you even been seeing him?
how long have you been single?

AhaShakeHeartbreak12 · 22/05/2021 21:32

YABU

HerMammy · 22/05/2021 21:36

Don’t excuse being a twat as hormonal, you were ridiculous and for him to happily end it after 5/6mths so easily, I’d guess it’s not the first time you’ve been ridiculous.

Mycomfyplacetochill · 22/05/2021 21:36

@bluelight274

I realise I was being silly and hormonal and I did apologise. He has every right to be annoyed, but to end it?
If I was him and you showed me that level of craziness so early in a relationship I'd end it too

I mean no disrespect but seriously that was full on Sad

Original poster
bluelight274 · 22/05/2021 21:37

I just texted a one line apology with the intention of leaving him be & he replied that he had met someone else & wished me well!!!! Can't think straight right now.

OP posts:
MadMadMadamMim · 22/05/2021 21:39

@SimonedeBeauvoirscat

He sounds like an emotionally mature person who is aware of and able to assert his own boundaries.

If what he said sounds totally alien to you then I’d suggest kindly that you need to do some personal emotional work on yourself? Your reaction was unhealthy and it would help to explore why - your motivations and past experiences.

I’m not putting the boot in, honestly. But I think the person who needs your attention right now is you.

Absolutely this.

Sorry, OP. I know we've all said it but you do need to focus on your self esteem and your anxieties before you get into another relationship.

I'd have absolutely reacted the way he did. You waved a massive red flag of jealousy and suspicion in his face and he did what most of us with decent boundaries would have done, which is immediately decide Oh, no way. I'm done here. Not even going to begin to justify myself, explain or accept the apologies. This one is nuts.

You do need to focus on yourself, so that you don't repeat this scenario in other relationships.

omgthepain · 22/05/2021 21:40

This is 5-6 months this is a slight over reaction it's not decades I'd just draw a line under it and move on @bluelight274

Finnyhaddock · 22/05/2021 21:40

So you were correct after all. Sorry to hear that but at least you know you were right in your instinctS.

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