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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Given up trying to get DH to lose weight

317 replies

xnowayout · 20/05/2021 19:19

Evening,

I know I'm going to get a load of stick for this..

I've been trying to get DH to lose weight for the best part of 10 years, he agrees he could do with losing weight and says he wants to but he wouldn't call himself fat. Personally I would (not to his face) as he is nearing a bmi of 30.

I was nice about it, very helpful and accommodating, I cooked only good food and limited our takeaways and unhealthy foods. We went for walks, I went to the gym with him etc. Which is what he seemed to want, but I think it was just a show as I've found him sneaking food. It annoys me he lied about it especially when I'm putting in so much effort to help him.

About 3 years ago I told him something needed to change as I was seriously not happy about it, he lost a couple of pounds (not much) then put it all back on in no time.

Then about a year ago I had another serious conversation with him and told him it needed to change and if it didn't we couldn't continue to be together. I said I wasn't going to mention it to him ever again.

Needless to say nothing changed and I feel hurt by this, what would mumsnet do in my situation? I'm not happy and it's not fair on anyone being in an unhappy relationship.

Has anyone actually had any success in getting their partner to lose weight? Do I leave without telling him why? It would be devastating to him to say sorry your too fat, l think.

OP posts:
LemonPeonies · 21/05/2021 03:02

Would you expect him to leave you if you put weight on due to having kids or a disability etc? I gained a few stone while pregnant and breastfeeding and found it difficult to lose it if my DP had threatened to leave me over it I would have told him to fuck off Confused

1forAll74 · 21/05/2021 03:35

I would certainly not leave a Husband because of this, what an awful thing to be saying..

You can't push people into doing things, they have to find the willpower to do things for themselves, The main issues for overweight people,, are the many health problems that may come later. There have been enough programmes on TV about being overweight, and eating too much, so no shortage of advice around.

I think a lot of people just eat stuff for the sake of it, or out of habit, when they don't really need to.

I have a friend who is over weight, but although she cooks a good meal in the evening,,she likes baking cakes as well,and she will often eat a couple of slices of cake,while she is cooking the meal. Then when all her family may watch some tv later, she will be snacking and eating crisps, chocs and biscuits and all sorts till bed time. It's just a habit really. and all eaten before bedtime.which is not a good idea.

bert3400 · 21/05/2021 04:01

Have you tried starting a new sport together. Me & DH have just started playing Padel, it the fastest growing sport in the world and highly addictive. I know they have courts popping up in the UK ( I live overseas) We are now playing 5+ times a week . My DH has dropped 10 Kilos since January, I have dropped 6kilos .
I think your approach is all wrong and shaming him will just drive his eating underground.

Popandhop · 21/05/2021 06:01

I think if I was over weight and my husband had an honest conversation about my weight with me, I would probably be extremely hurt, and would probably go on the defensive even if I knew he was correct and just concerned about my health.

Obviously a dramatic weight change can change how you are attracted to somebody, even a long term spouse.

I think cooking better meals and doing things with him, was a brilliant form of support from you, however when he knows your just doing it to make him loose weight might be why he isn't succeeding.

Weight loss is hard, and in some cases there could be other factors making it harder.

Could you maybe go a bit slower and make small lifestyle changes before jumping into everything, I've read it takes 4 weeks to change a mindset.

You don't need to tell him he needs to loose weight in order to take up new hobbies, do it slowly 1 change at a time, and do some of them for you.

Take a cookery class and ask for his support, get him to help you cook new meals.

Maybe learn new skills such as rock climbing, something that will help him get more active, without being aimed at his weight.

I wish the best for you and your husband, and remember slow and steady wins the race. Flowers

merrymelody · 21/05/2021 06:28

You need to examine your hypercritical attitude towards your husband's choice to be whatever size he is. From what I've read, you're the one with the problem, not him!

CatalinaCasesolver · 21/05/2021 06:51

@merrymelody

You need to examine your hypercritical attitude towards your husband's choice to be whatever size he is. From what I've read, you're the one with the problem, not him!
Agree, you sound horrible OP!
1starwars2 · 21/05/2021 06:54

In your situation I am sure I would feel the same OP.
It is self destructive behaviour like excess drinking, but if he won't change, and you can't live with it you only have one choice.

Badpicknic · 21/05/2021 07:07

OP I was in the same situation and I can tell you now he will not lose the weight.

It put a massive strain on our relationship as sex was massively effected. It got to the point where his sweat off his face was dripping on to mine as he was so overweight and unfit. So we stopped having sex.

Relationship deteriorated. He blamed his ever rising weight gain on low self esteem because I’d rejected him in bed. Absolutely no accountability what so ever.

Eventually we split up. His weight has rocketed and he looks really unwell. He has been told by the GP he has to lose weight and by a hospital doctor when he was seen for daily migraines - after all types of head scans they concluded it was his diet.

I’m scared he is going to have a heart attack and leave our kids fatherless. I’ve asked him to maybe try councilling but he says he is ‘fine’.

And yes to thinking he isn’t that overweight - my ex is the same but his clothes tell a different story as his belly hangs below his T-shit and frankly it’s embarrassing.

OP it’s ok for you not to be attracted to your DH anymore. Don’t let people guilt you. You are allowed to let go Flowers

SpnBaby1967 · 21/05/2021 07:55

BMI really is a bad and outdated system though. My stick then eldest had her bmi worked out in primary school in the health check and I got a letter saying her BMI was overweight. She was a 5 year old that was as tall as a 10 year old and you couldn't pinch fat on her. I'm sure you've seen it reported in newspapers and magazines how shite the BMI rule is?

You really sound like a shallow person. It's okay to not find him attractive anymore, but your faux concern over his health is cruel. You mention him secret eating. No one who is happy eats in secret yet you're too focused on what you think he should weigh rather than noticing there is something going on mentally with him. You say he's happy but cant run 20 metres. Lots of skinny people cant run 20 metres either OP, and clearly he isnt actually happy.

Leave him, he deserves way better than you.

MrDarcysMa · 21/05/2021 08:15

Your approach so far obviously hasn't worked and had led to him eating in secret.
He doesn't sound horribly obese at that size and weight (BMI scale isn't so reliable for that) Sounds like you'd both be happier if you left tbh.

BruceAndNosh · 21/05/2021 08:18

I don't know why so many posters are convinced if OP and her husband separate the weight will fall off him

TortoiseShed · 21/05/2021 08:24

@BruceAndNosh

I don't know why so many posters are convinced if OP and her husband separate the weight will fall off him
No, indeed. It does happen - "the divorce diet" because you're too sad to eat and all that. But it isn't the best way to lose weight and he could just as likely gain more because he comfort eats.

Either way, I don't think op should up and leave him, unless she has checked out already, which I sort of think she MAY have.

But she needs to be crystal clear that it will be divorce if he doesn't do whatever it is she feels he needs to do for her to stick around. He might just say, "fine, I won't be doing that so off you pop", but she can't sit, silently judging him waiting to leave him when SHE'S had enough. That isn't fair at all. At least let him know the score. Otherwise he's competing in a game he doesn't even know he's playing.

BatleyTownswomensGuild · 21/05/2021 08:24

I find myself wondering how this conversation would go down on Mumsnet if it was a man posting this about his wife....

OP, Clearly your husband probably would be healthier at a lower weight. And yes, a little bit of worry is justified. But the tone of your posts make it sound like you think your husband no longer meets your standards. Which, personally, I think is pretty brutal. How would you like it if the boot was on the other foot?

Musication · 21/05/2021 08:26

@SpnBaby1967

BMI really is a bad and outdated system though. My stick then eldest had her bmi worked out in primary school in the health check and I got a letter saying her BMI was overweight. She was a 5 year old that was as tall as a 10 year old and you couldn't pinch fat on her. I'm sure you've seen it reported in newspapers and magazines how shite the BMI rule is?

You really sound like a shallow person. It's okay to not find him attractive anymore, but your faux concern over his health is cruel. You mention him secret eating. No one who is happy eats in secret yet you're too focused on what you think he should weigh rather than noticing there is something going on mentally with him. You say he's happy but cant run 20 metres. Lots of skinny people cant run 20 metres either OP, and clearly he isnt actually happy.

Leave him, he deserves way better than you.

unless you are a high performing athlete, BMI is a reasonbly good measure. If op's DH is approaching 30 he is very likely to be overweight.
dementedpixie · 21/05/2021 08:29

Glad dh doesn't have the same mindset as OP or I'd have been ditched long ago. I'm just under 16 stone at 5'6" and know I'm too heavy. It's hard to not eat as much although I do exercise 4 days a week.

With smoking and drinking you can give them up without issue but you can't give up eating so temptation is there every single day. It's so easy to have one extra spoonful or a wee extra snack and then before you know it you've broken the diet again. Losing weight is hard and takes a long time and there is no quick fix.

bettertimesareacoming · 21/05/2021 08:32

Op you sound controlling . At his height is weight doesn't seem an issue to me . I actually feel sorry for him and I don't say that about men on here usually. Leave him he will find somone who loves him for who he his and you can go find some fitness fanatic

houseonthehill · 21/05/2021 08:48

Yeah, 6ft and 15st is not bad. You must be really quite particular about the body you want him to have if you have been waging a 10 year war on it. Seems a bit daft to me. Let him be.

WouldBeGood · 21/05/2021 08:48

Maybe the marriage views should be changed to until death do us part, or you put on a bit of weight?

WouldBeGood · 21/05/2021 08:57

Vows, even 🙄

FieldOverFence · 21/05/2021 09:03

Oh my god, I would leave you, that sounds like a horrible atmosphere to live in. You are linking his entire worth as a husband to his BMI

Loosing weight is a huge struggle, and even then 95% of people who loose weight through restrictive eating/exercise/whatever put it back on within 5 years.

I have a BMI of 31, workout 5 days a week, hike, bike & am generallly very active & healthy. Eat a balanced diet. But without starving myself on 1200 calories a day, I'm plateauing right here. I choose to be happy, fat and healthy .... and my husband (who is naturally thin, eats like a horse and doesn't put on a pound) actually loves me for the person I am, not my BMI

MondayYogurt · 21/05/2021 09:03

You know I think the underlying causes for his weight gain are worth investigating, if he is up for it. Maybe he needs to work on his self esteem.

AlmostSummer21 · 21/05/2021 09:19

@Geppili

He has an eating disorder and needs psychological support, not empty threats and moral judgement from you.
There is nothing thst indicates he has an eating disorder. He's 'hiding food' because he has a horrible wife who thinks his only value is to be eye Candy & goes on at him when he eats anything not in her permitted food list
Crazycrazylady · 21/05/2021 09:20

Op

I think this thread has touched a nerve for many of us that are/have been overweight. I have been much heavier than I am now ( still not a slim Jim) and while my husband never ever said anything. I knew he didn't like.

I think that if I'm honest most people would prefer their partner to be a healthy weight.
It's a deal breaker for some people but not for others. You will need to decide where you stand on that .

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 21/05/2021 09:26

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PandaLady · 21/05/2021 09:31

What a silly thing to pick up on @ThursdayWeld of course I think anyone who is struggling with their weight should feel empowered to loose it and good enough about themselves to feel they deserve to be slimmer and healthier.

OP's husband lives with someone who thinks he is obese, unhealthy, lacks will power, doesn't present his 'best self', doesn't care how he looks, is greedy etc...

When I was overweight my dh was kind to me, loved me, recognised I wasn't able at the time to loose weight but didn't vilify me for it. I was very slim when I met him, had a fat 10 years and am now slim again. He has loved me and treated me impeccably throughout our 19 years together.