Given up trying to get DH to lose weight

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Evening,

I know I'm going to get a load of stick for this..

I've been trying to get DH to lose weight for the best part of 10 years, he agrees he could do with losing weight and says he wants to but he wouldn't call himself fat. Personally I would (not to his face) as he is nearing a bmi of 30.

I was nice about it, very helpful and accommodating, I cooked only good food and limited our takeaways and unhealthy foods. We went for walks, I went to the gym with him etc. Which is what he seemed to want, but I think it was just a show as I've found him sneaking food. It annoys me he lied about it especially when I'm putting in so much effort to help him.

About 3 years ago I told him something needed to change as I was seriously not happy about it, he lost a couple of pounds (not much) then put it all back on in no time.

Then about a year ago I had another serious conversation with him and told him it needed to change and if it didn't we couldn't continue to be together. I said I wasn't going to mention it to him ever again.

Needless to say nothing changed and I feel hurt by this, what would mumsnet do in my situation? I'm not happy and it's not fair on anyone being in an unhappy relationship.

Has anyone actually had any success in getting their partner to lose weight? Do I leave without telling him why? It would be devastating to him to say sorry your too fat, l think.

I'm very kind to him. I'm a bad person because I said to him twice in 13 years that it's an issue?

Weight has been the main factor in our countries inability to succeed against the virus.
It's a national health crisis that has driven the outcomes.
The weight issue also has long-standing health implications outside of the pandemic.
This includes overweight and people in obese categories.
Back in the 60/70's less than 5% of people were in these weight classes, now it's 75%.
Why on earth can people not see the damage they are doing to themselves and society.
This weight situation makes me really angry because it's always shut down with emotional appeals.

You cannot criticise fat on Mumsnet.

I understand OP. I would feel the same. DH has put on some weight since we met and that's fine of course, everyone changes, but if he was obese I wouldn't find him attractive. It's not just aesthetic, it's the can't be bothered attitude, lack of care for his health etc.

The fact that people believe weight loss is a simple transactional requirement and easy says it all. FOr the majority of those overweight there are a range of issues at play from stress, emotional eating, anxiety, post natal depression, other forms of depression, family situations, feeling no control over their lives elsewhere.

We find it acceptable to leave someone because they are overweight but would you say that over someone underweight. I don't understand how they can't just eat and get weight put on them, its ridiculous I gave them an ultimatum put weight on or I will leave, I don't care about your mental health that causes you to have body dismorphia just eat. When you switch it to thinking about it as an eating disorder related to mental health whether you are under or overweight you see a different view.

YOU are making him unhappy , those looks, those tiny meals that whilst they might be a recommended portion size for someone at 11 stone are no where near enough to stop a 15stone person from feeling hungry and sneaking a bag of crisps and feeling like they have to eat in the car because you disapprove. In my view his issue is YOU, you are undermining his self worth and self confidence, please leave the poor bastard and take your shallow, narcissistic and abusive behaviour elsewhere

@RB68 I do care about his mental health, I don't nag him and as I've said many times I rarely mention it.

The thing is, if you don't ever mention it how can you expect someone to know how you feel? To leave someone without first having a conversation about it is crazy.

Again I don't see how this is shallow, narcissistic or abusive behaviour.

You're making this all about you. It's not about you but that's how you see it. No wonder he is 'sneak' food. You've given him hang-ups about what he eats. Poor guy. I've been bullied by friends about my weight and I can tell you, they were crap friends and I dumped them. He should find someone who loves him unconditionally.

@FangsForTheMemory would you love someone if they were addicted to heroin or if they abused you?

As anyone tried therapy for food?

The comparison to heroin addiction or abusive partners OP is frankly ridiculous and offensive. I have been with an abusive alcoholic who dabbled with drugs and it is nothing like your situation. Him being a bit overweight is not resulting in him stealing money, pawning your valuables, threatening you, raping or beating you! He is simply struggling with his weight. Your posts are all about you, but that comment aimed at @FangsForTheMemory is beyond belief and simply highlights what a selfish and judgy attitude you seem to have. Disgusting and offensive post!

I wasnt comparing it to eating my point was unconditional love.

But keep jumping to those conclusions.

and judging me.

Gosh so many judgy people on this thread. Its easy to be pious on an online forum and congratulate yourself on how compassionate and empathetic you are. But real life may be different. Just remember accepting someones weight is also accepting the example they set for your children, accepting health problems, shortened life span, snoring, sleep interruption, erosion of intimacy and a hundred and one other things that may or may not be at play here. I feel a lot of synpathy for the OP and completely understand wheres she's coming from and what she's saying. OP, I have no advice as I just dont know what you can do or say that you havent tried already. You cant make someone see things as you see them....he obviously is content the way he is....or at any rate, not motivated to make a change. That may be due to any of many reasons, only he may know. Your best hope is that maybe he tells you what they are....if indeed, it is something he understands himself. He may have the insight to know or he may not. But youre not unreasonable to feel frustrated, overlooked and upset. This is the lifestyle problem of our age. I really hope things work out for both of you!

I'm very kind to him. I'm a bad person because I said to him twice in 13 years that it's an issue?

It's not a bad thing to communicate with your partner. You should be able to speak to him about something like this. You have tried to help him. It would be worse if it was never mentioned and then you just upped and left. Without offering any encouragement to make healthy changes, or being open. You've tried to address something that is an issue in your relationship and that's fair enough. A healthy lifestyle is important to many.

You're getting a hard time here because it's a touchy subject for a lot of people. Who hate any sort of criticism with regards to being over weight.

OP the central problem here is that you equate living your best (and most morally worthwhile) life with being skinny. He doesn't.

To be clear, this is a YOU problem. Your way of thinking is basic, shallow and toxic.

I say this as someone who's slim and decently healthy. The obsession over weight loss on MN is awful. Think about more interesting things FGS.

It sounds like he doesn’t see it as a problem, but you do. You have to decide whether this is a problem that you can accept and live with or if it’s a dealbreaker for you, in which case leave.

Clearly, trying to persuade him to change isn’t working and probably will never work. He has to want to change, otherwise nothing you can do will make a difference. I’m going to make a sweeping statement here - every fat person knows that they are classed as overweight or obese. I’m morbidly obese and know it. That knowledge isn’t what makes people change. Overeating is a complex biopsychosocial issue, someone needs to be in the right headspace to address that.

This problem is about you, why is it such an issue for you? What are you scared of happening? Are those thoughts something that you want change or do you accept that’s how you feel and decide whether that means you stay or go?

@gannett I struggle to see how wanting someone to be healthy is toxic, now if I were a feeder that would be toxic.

@Twitchynose It is an issue for many reasons, you only get one body why wouldn't you take care of it? You wouldn't key your own car. The investment you put into yourself now will pay off later, you will be healthier. Attractiveness also plays apart, not just physically I don't find greediness and a lack of self control sexy. To me it feels like he is shitting all over this marriage as he cant be arsed to put in the effort.

I don’t understand why some posters are citing OP’s “faux concern” for his health or asking “ why is it such an issue for you?” Being borderline obese can contribute to major health issues, it’s not an imaginary concern! Just because they haven’t started yet ( he’s only in his 30’s) doesn’t mean they won’t. Our family member wasn’t expecting to end up in hospital at 42, but she did, and it’ll probably happen again because she’s gained more weight since..☹️ I don’t have an answer for the OP, but it’s frustrating when people minimize the health risks associated with obesity
(I know her DH isn’t obese yet, but he’s moving in that direction). Perhaps seeing his GP, rather than trying to talk to him about it yourself, would be a good first step?

I can see why many regard the OP as ruthless but I think she is right to be like this.
If this man takes no action to mitigate the situation his weight will increase the problem will snowball until he resembles a giant snowball, health problems will escalate he will become a burden and a blight on her life.
It's hardly a partnership is it, when he's deliberately sabotaging his own health forcing her to take up the slack.

You've had a really tough time here OP. I totally get where you're coming from because it can feel like living with a teenager. DH will binge eat crap at any opportunity and hey, I do love a bit of junk food but he'll have 15 chicken nuggets for lunch and is in total denial about his weight. Its difficult because you can love someone but also dislike their behaviour. I love my husband but find him constantly binge eating junk a bit disgusting and unattractive. It also makes me self conscious about what I'm eating because I feel like I can't ever buy or enjoy treat food myself without him having a binge. Are other people on this thread really suggesting you just pretend it isn't happening because any other than total body acceptance of your partner makes you a terrible person, even if you're concerned about their health? Clearly I'm just a monster to

OP the central problem here is that you equate living your best (and most morally worthwhile) life with being skinny. He doesn't
It isn't just an aesthetic issue though, it's about health, this man is sabotaging his own health which means that his ill health will have a negative impact on both their lives.
Good health is a resource like money or skills or the goodwill that you have with other people, in order to enjoy the later years of your relationship you need to be healthy and mobile. He is condemning her to a miserable restricted time in their later years.
A person who does not take good care of their health is not a good long-term prospect.

I struggle to see how wanting someone to be healthy is toxic, now if I were a feeder that would be toxic.

It isn't just an aesthetic issue though, it's about health, this man is sabotaging his own health which means that his ill health will have a negative impact on both their lives.

Oh spare me the health angle. You never get this kind of obsessive policing over any other aspect of health. Do you care about things like office ergonomics that can affect joints in later life? Do you care about cars polluting our lungs and literally leading to children's deaths? If someone's slim, do you police them if they have a few glasses of wine or smoke occasionally? Where do you stand on your workplace's health and safety measures? Related to this subject, don't you think obsessing over a bit of fat isn't really a great practice in terms of mental health?

Health is a holistic issue and weight loss is a tiny aspect of it.

@Cameleongirl Thank you, a GP appointment sounds like a good idea.

@Miasicarisatia This is so true I love him enough that I wouldn't put him in that position.

@blackcat86 What you say rings so true.

@gannett If he was drinking excessively or smoked then yes I wouldn't be happy either. I don't know a huge about about ergonomics but if I knew it was putting him at risk then of course, no one wants to be immobile or in pain when they get older.

Like I said several times his family have a history of diabetes and a couple of other issues which weren't helped by their weight.

I think gannet's point was a good one though. You presumably wouldn't be considering a divorce because he doesn't sit with his joints at the perfect angles throughout the day, or persistently has bad posture, although it arguably shows a lack of will power, discipline and is mistreating to only body he will ever have.

So it isn't really about just his health. That isn't a criticism of you op, but it's not right, I don't think, to say you only care about him looking after his body for health reasons. Would you divorce him if he wouldn't take vitamin d in the winter, or not drink enough water? Any alcohol at all has some negative impact, so if you really wanted to be with someone who prioritised their health, you would only date teetotalers.

It is weight which has really bothered you and actually, there was an article about alcohol and its affect on the brain, which said that alcohol has a bigger negative impact than BMI.

There's no doubt overweight is a serious health problem, but that isn't really why people have such a big problem with it. It's also for looks. I'm vain as hell and don't want to be overweight for vain reasons either, so no judgement here!

It is going to sound very boring but we both don't drink on a regular basis we probably drink on about 5 out of 365 days.

Well then, be reassured that your DH is doing better than slim men who drink in some regards!

Does that reassure you though?