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Original poster

Given up trying to get DH to lose weight

317 replies

xnowayout · 20/05/2021 19:19

Evening,

I know I'm going to get a load of stick for this..

I've been trying to get DH to lose weight for the best part of 10 years, he agrees he could do with losing weight and says he wants to but he wouldn't call himself fat. Personally I would (not to his face) as he is nearing a bmi of 30.

I was nice about it, very helpful and accommodating, I cooked only good food and limited our takeaways and unhealthy foods. We went for walks, I went to the gym with him etc. Which is what he seemed to want, but I think it was just a show as I've found him sneaking food. It annoys me he lied about it especially when I'm putting in so much effort to help him.

About 3 years ago I told him something needed to change as I was seriously not happy about it, he lost a couple of pounds (not much) then put it all back on in no time.

Then about a year ago I had another serious conversation with him and told him it needed to change and if it didn't we couldn't continue to be together. I said I wasn't going to mention it to him ever again.

Needless to say nothing changed and I feel hurt by this, what would mumsnet do in my situation? I'm not happy and it's not fair on anyone being in an unhappy relationship.

Has anyone actually had any success in getting their partner to lose weight? Do I leave without telling him why? It would be devastating to him to say sorry your too fat, l think.

OP posts:
Original poster
xnowayout · 21/05/2021 15:27

It's not a bad thing for sure but not sure it makes up for the other areas though.

OP posts:
Cherrytree1621 · 21/05/2021 17:05

@Kitfish

I think you should leave. He deserves to be with a better (and less shallow) person than you.

Seriously - little to yourself. "My husband is too fat so I'm going to leave him". If a man sais this about a woman he woul dbe (rightly) crucified. Why do you think this is OK? Your attitude is shameful.

This.
Ostara212 · 21/05/2021 17:08

@xnowayout

Its not just the physically attractiveness although that is a major factor, I'm always trying to be the best person I can be and he is making IMO no effort whatsoever.
Ugh, that expression

Leave him, just say you're not compatible. He will certainly be better off.

Deftly · 21/05/2021 17:17

Do you have children together, OP? If so, would you police their weight this heavily? I've seen this constant dogging throughout childhood turn into obesity during adulthood once the child can make their own food choices despite the parents' 'encouragement' and it's sad to watch.

It sounds like this issue lies mostly with you and you're projecting this onto your husband, from the way you talk about your own weight and seem to link weight, self-control and 'greediness' with your husband's worth and 'respect for you'. Have you ever struggled with food and weight in relation to your self-worth?

I think you should take some time to explore the roots of your own thoughts about why you feel this way towards your husband's weight as I think you're hiding behind the guise of 'for his health'. As other posters have said, if the shoe was on the foot and a man was saying this about his wife the view would be much more sympathetic towards his wife.

FWIW, I'm not overweight and never have been but it doesn't sound like your husband has got a genuine weight problem having only put a few stone in 13 years.

moomin11 · 21/05/2021 17:21

Weight issues are complicated OP, you don't seem to get that. Being 'in great shape' is clearly important to you for yourself and whoever you're with - your partner clearly doesn't feel the same. Sounds like you're just not compatible.

CorianderBee · 21/05/2021 17:26

BMI is bullshit. I'm apparently overweight despite wearing a size 8..

Twitchynose · 21/05/2021 17:29

OP wrote:
I don’t find greediness and lack of self control attractive. To me it feels like he is shitting all over this marriage as he can’t be arsed to put in the effort.

And that is the issue, not his weight. He’s not matching your values. You feel that if he cared about you and your marriage he’d want to change. He’s just not that bothered about you, that’s the feeling that hurts you.

crackingcrackers · 21/05/2021 18:45

She may not feel he is matching her values, but weight issues are rarely that simple. Any issues he has I imagine will have been compounded by her saying if he doesn't lose weight, their marriage is finished. I know it hasn't been said over and over, but it's been said. And the fact that he's been secretly eating means it's been taken on board and is on loop in his head as he continually hides his food. He's been told by his wife that as he is, he isn't worthy of her. That's pretty shit.

If he's not enough for you as he is, then leave him. It's obviously not as simple for him to lose weight as it is you. There's clearly a lot of baggage tied to it if the threat of losing his wife that he loves won't spur him into action. Both of you can move on and try to find better partners.

PandaLady · 21/05/2021 18:57

You don't want to listen to anything. It's your life op, so just do that you think is right.

Skyla2005 · 21/05/2021 19:07

You should leave him. He will be much happier

MoonshineTuttiFrutti · 21/05/2021 19:13

What do you want to hear OP? People are wasting time giving advice, and their thoughts - yet you don't seem to take any of it onboard. We can't change your DH, and you can't change your DH. So, what are you going to do?

Ostara212 · 21/05/2021 19:51

I dated someone like this briefly

It felt exhausting so I ended it. It was very quickly that a bad day in my world would get no sympathy from him and that he would need a partner who was also tough and self disciplined. I am neither of those things.

It's just lack of compatibility, which I hope is how you'll put it across.

I don't think he "lied" to you. I used to be a size 8 and very fit but it stopped being a priority. One day, it might be priority again. People change.

rosabug · 21/05/2021 20:06

He doesn't know why he can't lose weight. Weight is often a deeply embedded and emotional thing. Slim people do not understand, they think it's just about will power. An "I'm only saying it for your own good" person trying to 'educate' them (for their purposes) just makes it worse. You need to let him find someone who will appreciate him exactly as he is, and there will be plenty. He will lose weight if and and when he is ready.

Ostara212 · 21/05/2021 20:13

@Ostara212

I dated someone like this briefly

It felt exhausting so I ended it. It was very quickly that a bad day in my world would get no sympathy from him and that he would need a partner who was also tough and self disciplined. I am neither of those things.

It's just lack of compatibility, which I hope is how you'll put it across.

I don't think he "lied" to you. I used to be a size 8 and very fit but it stopped being a priority. One day, it might be priority again. People change.

That was meant to quote the OP talking about a person with self control. Oops.
Mrbob · 21/05/2021 22:10

I have a BMI of 30. I am a size 16 (despite efforts) I would rather someone left me than went ON at me even in a “concerned” way about my weight. Constantly being made to feel like you are somehow failing someone else’s goal is the worst.
It doesn’t help. It would make me really unhappy and angry. It’s nagging and nasty

People have to make their own decisions. If he ASKS for your help then quietly assist. Otherwise shut up or leave.

Hen2018 · 21/05/2021 22:33

I think you should leave him.

He’d lose 9.5 stone of criticism immediately.

Mummy1820 · 21/05/2021 23:20

My partner is the same. He's classed as overweight, borderline obese. He's only 30.he claims he enjoys food, yet can eat a full pizza and more, in 5 minutes or less. He can eat a huge, mountain of food, and says he's starving straight after. I've tried cooking healthy meals, but then he just gets a takeaway, or actually goes in a mood if I say no to a takeaway! He complains xxl and xxxl shirts don't fit him, saying they must be made small, he complains about his weight nearly everyday. He used to go to the gym, I've never stopped him from going, I encourage if, but he won't. We have shops 20 min walk away, he will go in car even if I suggest walking , he shrugs it off. I will ask if he's ate at work, he says a sandwich, then there'll be multipack crisps, empty, chocolate wrappers, empty, in the back of the car. We have an open plan living room/kitchen and he somehow thinks I can't see him shovelling our child's snacks into his mouth. I've mentioned diets, I've wrote healthy shopping lists, not so healthy, but not bad shopping lists. He doesn't listen, he will pop out for nappies or milk, and come back with wine, chocolate and crisps. And pizzas. It's not just that that's putting me off, it's the fact he gloats about eating so much, he will say to me, I bet you can't eat all that,i can. I'm hungry, I'm starving, I could eat all day long and still eat more. Not to mention all the other bad habits he has. I'm actually worried he will have a heart attack,he won't listen though.

And I'm not slating him. I myself have put weight on, BUT for a reason. Pregnancy, I put about 3 stone on, then lockdown happened, and then diagnosed with an autoimmune disease which does make it really hard for me to be active. But what's his excuse? Laziness.

Miasicarisatia · 22/05/2021 00:10

Mummy1820
I can't help wondering if you plan to stay with this man long term, I don't think I'd want to 🙈

PickAChew · 22/05/2021 00:14

He's an adult. He needs to decide to do it for himself, regardless of your own personal limits.

PickAChew · 22/05/2021 00:16

I like food, btw. Doesn't prevent me from giving myself a kick up the arse of my bmi gets too high. I just tweak the amount and composition 9f the food I'm enjoying.

layla9000 · 22/05/2021 10:26

There's an awful lot of defenciveness and double standards on this thread. An earlier poster mentioned that if someone drinks too much or takes drugs, we are sympathetic towards their partner. Overeating is another addiction, and it comes with a significantly increased risk of a worse qulaity of life in the short term and poor health in the medium long term. And the impacts on the NHS, and costs to us all that brings. Yes, any adult can decide how they want to live. Yes, their partner can decide of they want to leave or not. But please don't suggest that by objecting to her husband's obesity / health risks / lack of care for himself / lack of willpower / showing no sign of wanting to do anything about it, the op is in some way in the wrong. It is no different to if she was worried about how much he drank, or gambled, or took drugs. It does not make her shallow, any more than she would be shallow if she said he drinks to excess and doesn't make any effort to stop. That is of course his choice, but as someone who loves him it affects her as well. And the fact he doesn't mind how his decisions impact her is hurtful and unattractive.

Ultimately, it is the op's decision if she wants to leave because of this. Some may say that is shallow - but would they say the same if she was leaving because his drinking was affecting his health, but he was very happy and had no intention of changing?

From what I've read, the op loves her husband and would rather stay, but has this genuine concern (and yes, a resulting lack of attraction) which is a barrier. I'm afraid that she is coming across the same attitude amongst as she is getting from her DH - that you can't object to overeating or obesity, as that makes you in some way shallow.

TortoiseShed · 22/05/2021 10:42

I think direct comparisons between overeating and substance abuse issue have been covered on here and probably aren't exactly fair.

I am another one who has lived with an alcoholic and I do slightly disagree with the direct comparison. It's not as if someone will eat too many haribo and then piss themselves and demand their keys so they can drive dangerously to get some harder stuff (an entire cake perhaps) and then get aggressive when you have to say no for their own safety.

But I do agree the op is entitled to feel how she feels and is right to be concerned about his health. Nobody would argue that weight is a serious health issue. And it is a sensitive subject because it's very complex and everyone has to eat and food is everywhere, so you can't go cold turkey etc etc.

But none of this is even relevant. I've said it so many times, and maybe I'm wrong to do so, but, for me, it doesn't actually matter what the issue is. It matters to op and it's her marriage. If her DH thinks she's shallow for thinking it, he is welcome to leave the relationship. Adults have choices.

Now, would I want to divorce my DH because he was overweight? No, I can confidently say, I don't think I would. Not this level overweight at least. Perhaps if it got very serious, clearly, morbidly obese levels, and he was being bullish and refusing help, then yes, maybe I would then. But that again isn't relevant. Op has a different level and that's entirely up to her. It might end badly for her, but adults have choices.

MissSmiley · 22/05/2021 10:45

@xnowayout
I left my husband of twenty years because of his lack of self respect which in fact was lack of respect for me too, it's not about being fat although he was (still is) he worked 24/7 didn't sleep enough, didn't take his blood pressure medication, leave if you want and find someone who looks after themselves like you do, you don't have to stay with him

gannett · 22/05/2021 11:04

@Twitchynose

OP wrote: I don’t find greediness and lack of self control attractive. To me it feels like he is shitting all over this marriage as he can’t be arsed to put in the effort.

And that is the issue, not his weight. He’s not matching your values. You feel that if he cared about you and your marriage he’d want to change. He’s just not that bothered about you, that’s the feeling that hurts you.

Being overweight is not about values and it's so toxic to equate weight with morality in this way.

I'm slim, fit, even have visible abs. I am also greedy and would not describe myself as self-controlled around cheese, fried things or prosecco. I also spent much of my 20s off my tits on various substances, while still looking very healthy. I'm just genetically lucky, and do a lot of exercise. But being slim does not make me virtuous in ANY way.

If you want to bang on about matching values, try thinking about kindness, generosity, loyalty, compassion. Not weight. Weight has nothing to do with values.

As for being less attracted to an overweight partner? Sure, understandable. My ideal man, physically, is slim. But here's the thing - when you commit to someone long-term you commit to loving them when they're no longer at their physical peak. When they're not young, slim, fit, fresh-faced. To expect a partner to maintain the same weight as when you met them for the rest of their life is unreasonable.

layla9000 · 22/05/2021 13:00

But surely there is a very big difference between the inevitable signs of ageing / physical changes due to childbirth, illness, disability etc... and choosing to live in a way which is less healthy. Whilst I take the point that there are thin people who overeat, that isn't really relevant. There are people who drink to excess and never become dependant - that might be lucky for them, but it doens't mean the ones who do become dependant shouldn't do something about it.

I'm not saying that the op's DH should do something about it. Entirely his choice. But we shouldn't judge the op for wishing he would.