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Original poster

Given up trying to get DH to lose weight

317 replies

xnowayout · 20/05/2021 19:19

Evening,

I know I'm going to get a load of stick for this..

I've been trying to get DH to lose weight for the best part of 10 years, he agrees he could do with losing weight and says he wants to but he wouldn't call himself fat. Personally I would (not to his face) as he is nearing a bmi of 30.

I was nice about it, very helpful and accommodating, I cooked only good food and limited our takeaways and unhealthy foods. We went for walks, I went to the gym with him etc. Which is what he seemed to want, but I think it was just a show as I've found him sneaking food. It annoys me he lied about it especially when I'm putting in so much effort to help him.

About 3 years ago I told him something needed to change as I was seriously not happy about it, he lost a couple of pounds (not much) then put it all back on in no time.

Then about a year ago I had another serious conversation with him and told him it needed to change and if it didn't we couldn't continue to be together. I said I wasn't going to mention it to him ever again.

Needless to say nothing changed and I feel hurt by this, what would mumsnet do in my situation? I'm not happy and it's not fair on anyone being in an unhappy relationship.

Has anyone actually had any success in getting their partner to lose weight? Do I leave without telling him why? It would be devastating to him to say sorry your too fat, l think.

OP posts:
BrilliantBetty · 20/05/2021 22:59

You've tried to help him. Tried to communicate about it. But he's doing his own thing- that's fine. But you can also do your own thing and that's fine too. You can't force yourself to fancy him or to be ok with this lifestyle choice.

I would be preparing to leave the relationship as well.

PieElla · 20/05/2021 22:59

@xnowayout but it IS you. You're the author of loads of 'greedy husband' posts. Like it's some sort of fetish for you

Original poster
xnowayout · 20/05/2021 23:01

@RandomMess That is how I feel too and sorry to read that but great he is doing something about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
xnowayout · 20/05/2021 23:02

@PieElla I'm not and I don't know what you are talking about, perhaps there is more than one person who isn't happy about this.

OP posts:
DazzlingHaze · 20/05/2021 23:02

@ToooOldForThis The difference is OP has mentioned the ways in which her husband has made an effort and made changes by eating healthier meals and going to the gym with her and she has said he isn't lazy so it's likely there is a mental barrier for him.

@xnowayout Op, your post hit a nerve with me as it reminds me of how my mother goes on about my weight. Lots of talk about my health as if fat people are unaware of the health implications. It's upsetting and frustrating when you do want to lose the weight but keep sabotaging yourself. So I was probably a bit harsh in my previous reply which isn't helpful so I apologise for that.

I think you need to have a serious think about what you want. It doesn't sound as if your husband is going to be able to just flick a switch and get into the mindset needed to lose weight. He maybe would benefit from therapy to sort through his relationship with food (that's something I found helpful) because even if it's just he's got into the habit of binging as a way of treating himself that habit can be very hard to break. It can become like an addiction and unlike other addictions you can't go cold turkey with food so you're always tempting yourself, if that makes sense. I have binge eating disorder and CBT has helped me most out of all the different diets/ plans I've tried.

However, any solution will probably take a long time and go through ups and downs and there's no guarantee he'll lose the weight. There's nothing wrong with not being attracted to people who are overweight, we all have our preferences. If you really want to save your marriage you could try and encourage him to look at his relationship with food - why does he overeat, do certain emotions or occasions trigger a binge eating episode etc. But if you're really unhappy I think life is too short.

Sittingonabench · 20/05/2021 23:06

Just to clarify - your DH isn’t obese (approaching BMI of 30 so not out with the realms of possibility in near future) and you have been trying to get him to lose weight for 10 years. There are no acute health concerns, he doesn’t think he is fat and is ok with how he looks and feels in and of himself?
Why should he change his weight? So you are happy with his body? If you are willing to throw away your marriage for that then I think there are deeper issues at play as this comes across as a lack of respect in the marriage which is a deeper issue. I know if my DH gave me that ultimatum in those circumstances it would show how little he valued and respected me and it would be over. If he’s happy with himself I don’t think he should have to change to please you.

Original poster
xnowayout · 20/05/2021 23:11

He is literally a rounding away from a 30 bmi which is obese, if he carries on it is a matter of days. The excess fat is a health concern.

He doesn't have to change to please me, it is his choice.

OP posts:
Newmum29 · 20/05/2021 23:11

No but I know plenty of blokes who are they same height and weight... its very common

PseuDenim · 20/05/2021 23:15

You’re stone cold OP. Just leave him and find someone who will never change in a way that you don’t like.

Original poster
xnowayout · 20/05/2021 23:16

Self control, self discipline, will power, the ability to put off instant gratification now that's super attractive.

OP posts:
Original poster
xnowayout · 20/05/2021 23:17

Am I really stone cold? Can you explain why.

OP posts:
jessyjo2 · 20/05/2021 23:18

Imagine this thread if it was the opposite way around. Husband threatens to leave wife as she bit over weight and she won't do as he asks 🤔

robbooftheford · 20/05/2021 23:18

You sound horrible, he's better off without you

Original poster
xnowayout · 20/05/2021 23:24

I understand it's a difficult topic but that doesnt make me a bad person, I didn't threaten him.

OP posts:
Gamerlady · 20/05/2021 23:26

You need to leave your husband.. how shallow and rude of you to keep going on about his weight.. if he is happy leave him alone.. you are quite horrible keep bringing up his weight.. if my husband did what you do he would be out.. either accept him as he is or do him a favour and leave

Miasicarisatia · 20/05/2021 23:27

@xnowayout

Self control, self discipline, will power, the ability to put off instant gratification now that's super attractive.
I hear you, there is something childlike about the inability to control one's impulses, what use is a partner who falls at the first hurdle, who cannot resist the low hanging fruit, how can you ever build something with someone who has no discipline?
PseuDenim · 20/05/2021 23:31

You’re stone cold because you’ve made this all about you - you’ve tried to apply a veneer of concern over his health, but let’s be real here, this is about you not finding him physically attractive anymore. So just up and leave. It won’t be fun and it won’t be easy, but if the way he looks is that high up on your list of priorities then you have to go and find someone else. But I do think it’s naive to think a person’s physical appearance is impervious to change - literally anything could happen to make the way they look or move change.

Original poster
xnowayout · 20/05/2021 23:37

@PseuDenim The way he looks isn't correct, I'd love for him to be in reasonable shape true. Not true I am concerned about his health, his family have health issues and I don't want him to suffer the same. He needs to take better care of himself.

OP posts:
Original poster
xnowayout · 20/05/2021 23:38

Oh and I don't see why caring about that makes me stone cold. Not caring at all would be stone cold.

OP posts:
MadButterflyLady · 20/05/2021 23:40

@xnowayout

I don't want to be harsh to DH but he is was very close to 16st and does have a belly and double chin. He can't run 20 meters without being out of breath.
This doesn't matter, you can't make him lose weight. Your options are; accept him as he is and if he decides to seek help support him. Keep treating him in a negative way and keep harming both of you. There is no way he's unaware of your feelings on this matter. Leave and you both try to find happiness elsewhere. The options won't change no matter how right you think you are or how 'gently and kindly' you think you've been in telling him his weight is a deal breaker. I know if DH said that to me it would eat away at me, make me unable to be naked in front of him, unable to have sex because instead of feeling safe and loved I'd feel judged and unworthy. Maybe he doesn't feel that way, but you can't actually know that he is genuinely fine with it rather than heart broken inside.
yikesanotherbooboo · 20/05/2021 23:48

You cannot tell him what to do. I am really amazed that anyone thinks it is even vaguely ok to control their partner's eating like this .
If he wants to lose weight, help him but otherwise all one can do is help him to feel good about himself.

Cameleongirl · 20/05/2021 23:48

I somewhat understand where you’re coming from, OP, because we have a family member who followed a similar trajectory age-wise. Noticeable weight gain by 30, steadily increased throughout her 30’s and then a health crisis at 42-not completely caused by her weight, but a contributing factor. Now she’s 45 and nothing’s changed. ☹️ Our family knows there’ll be more health problems down the line, but as PP’s have said, she’s an adult and has to make the decision to lose weight. I don’t have an answer for you, but perhaps it is a dealbreaker.

Original poster
xnowayout · 20/05/2021 23:52

@yikesanotherbooboo how have I controlled his eating?

OP posts:
KittyKatChonky · 21/05/2021 00:30

I think you just don’t sound happy in your relationship at all tbh.

I worry about my husbands health every day. He is obese (more than 20 stone) and sometimes it boils over into frustration that he doesn’t give a shit about the future. Why does he not care about being around for as long as possible to see our dc grow up?
He said tonight he wants to start eating more healthy food. I’m openly supportive about that but I gave up believing he’d ever diet after the first 100 times he promised.

Sorry about the Rant about my life.

Musication · 21/05/2021 02:32

Interesting thread because there is no doubt at all that mumsnet would be up in arms if a man had written this about his wife (she has a BMI of almost 30; I am thinking of leaving her).
I'm not sure what I would do in your shoes op - I certainly would find it unattractive if my DH became like this and wouldn't lose weight for his own good. It depends if you love him enough to get over his weight because it doesn't sound like he's going to try and lose it any time soon.