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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

There’s no getting over this is there?

155 replies

HereWeGoAgainPart2 · 18/05/2021 00:52

I’ve been dating someone for nearly a year now and things seemed to be going really well. We were considering introducing each other to our kids and have been spending more and more time together.

We had a weekend together last weekend. On the Saturday night we both got a bit drunk. We often share a bottle of wine but I don’t like being drunk and he’s also said he hates being drunk as he always manages to upset people. Anyway we were drunkenly chatting and I was saying how much I liked him and that I really wasn’t expecting or wanting to meet anyone after my divorce but I’m really glad he did. He tried to reciprocate with something similar but ended up saying that he never thought he’d be happy with someone who was uneducated (I don’t have a degree due to having to drop out of uni to look after my dad but I don’t think I’m stupid, I read loads and can hold my own in most conversations). But what really hurt was he said that after the first time he saw me naked he was pretty shocked and realised my body would take some getting used to but he’s glad he stuck it out and he actually finds me quite attractive now. Due to an accident I have deformed ribs and a large amount of scarring on the left side of my chest and my left breast is deformed as a result of the scar tissue. It’s a massive issue for me. My ex husband never once saw me topless with the light on but this new man never seemed dazed by it at all and constantly told me I looked great.

As soon as he said it he must have seen my face and immediately started backtracking, saying it came out wrong and he didn’t mean it like that. I just went to bed and said that we’d talk about it in the morning. In the morning he was again hugely apologetic but I just couldn’t bear to have him near me. The thought of doing anything sexual with him ever again is just horrible knowing what he thinks about how I look. Deep down obviously I knew what he thought, there’s no way you can look at my chest and not be shocked. I’d just kind of forgotten about it with him and had actually been enjoying sex for the first time in my life.

He’s been calling me and I just don’t know what to say to him. I do love him and I know he’s sorry and I do think it just came out wrong because he was drunk. I don’t know what to do or if there’s a way I can get past it.

OP posts:
Michaelangelo467 · 18/05/2021 00:57

I don’t know how I’d get past that either, I’m just writing to say I understand how you feel and I’d be blind sided by that too. Maybe some time out to heal from the comments?

DramaAlpaca · 18/05/2021 01:02

Oh dear Sad I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I don't think I'd be able to get past either the comments about your education or the physical thing. It'd hurt, a lot. One might possibly be forgivable give time, but both of those? Probably not. How awful Flowers

Yankeescot · 18/05/2021 01:35

Oh honey, how awful that must have felt!!! I think any of us would feel the same way. I don't have any advice, but I do have to tell you that you are beautiful just as you are.
Do what's right for you.

14Tealights · 18/05/2021 01:35

That is so hard Flowers

I dated someone who had pectus excavatum and I know that he had never shown anyone else his chest before because he often told me - didn't go swimming, always wore a top etc. I felt honoured that he felt comfortable and safe enough with me to let me see him. My reason for saying this is that I never thought anything negative about him or his appearance. I loved him and I loved everything about him. His body was attractive to me because it was his and it was no less attractive than any other body I've been attracted to. I can't imagine ever having said anything negative to him but I can see how your boyfriend said something intending for it to be reassuring but completely misjudging it.

I have a physical feature I'm really self conscious about. It's a tough one. I know it's not attractive and has definitely put men off me in the past. It's hard because if they say nothing, I feel its because they find me unattractive but, if they say they like it, I feel they are only doing so because they don't find it attractive but are trying to make me feel better. Put bluntly, they can't win.

I have tried to ignore what they say/don't say and just accept that it is issue that I am self conscious about it and that it doesn't really matter what they think of me. There'smore to me than just that feature.

I would say take some time to process your thoughts and feelings and then decide what you want to do and how you feel.

Oh and as for the uneducated comment, I also dated someone who was very intelligent but 'uneducated'. He had a bit of a chip on his shoulder about it and that was far less attractive than his lack of higher education! Not suggesting you have a chip on your shoulder! Just saying that for a while I thought I could only date someone with a degree beause I saw that as shorthand for intelligent. But it's not. It's really, really not Wink

And whatever happens, don't get drunk with him again. He's right, he does upset people when he's drunk.

Onthedunes · 18/05/2021 01:43

Well he's got nobody else to blame if you do not wish to continue a relationship with him.
I'm so sorry, you have been through so much and I'm sure he'll never find anyone as beautiful as you, somtimes our experiences make us so much more than others.
[flowers[

Onthedunes · 18/05/2021 01:45
Flowers
Rangoon · 18/05/2021 02:16

My husband has pectus excavatum and it's seemingly never worried him but his ribs are deformed. It's a congenital thing in his case as his mother has it but neither of his brothers nor our children have it. Having said that he recoiled at the sight of my feet. I knew I had bunions but I didn't think they were that misshapen. I've forgiven him about the feet and I had them corrected years later (but not because of his comments). Most people have some physical oddity. Your boyfriend was tactless but he is obviously attracted to you and keen to continue the relationship.

Is it possible to resume your degree? Not for your boyfriend's sake but for yours.

PinkSatinMoon · 18/05/2021 02:46

Im so sorry this happened to you OP, what an insensitive pretentious knob.

I agree with you, there is no going back, Im glad you discovered this before taking that 'meeting kids' step lady.

Sorry again 🌸

Member438861 · 18/05/2021 03:06

I think you should forgive him for his comments about your body, but give him he'll about the education comments. What a snob.

PinkSatinMoon · 18/05/2021 03:46

he said that after the first time he saw me naked he was pretty shocked and realised my body would take some getting used to but he’s glad he stuck it out and he actually finds me quite attractive now

this is unforgiveable.....

PerveenMistry · 18/05/2021 03:58

@DramaAlpaca

Oh dear Sad I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I don't think I'd be able to get past either the comments about your education or the physical thing. It'd hurt, a lot. One might possibly be forgivable give time, but both of those? Probably not. How awful Flowers

Yeah, both comments.. difficult to overlook. It's like he's doing you a favor to be with you.

Sorry you are going through this; it sucks.

SwordofGryffindor · 18/05/2021 04:07

That is disgusting. You overcame an obviously major accident and have scars. So what ?

How horrible. Trying to put you down so you wont leave him. Leave him.

Also, I bet you're gorgeous. 💗

FuckyouCovid21 · 18/05/2021 05:28

Why would he even say those things in the first place?! Sorry OP but no, I couldn't get past either of those

Sadieeloise5687 · 18/05/2021 05:58

Hmm wow he was a bit too honest wasn’t he....! But I wonder if what upset you the most is that you didn’t know that’s how he felt at the time so felt he lied to you whilst pretending to find you attractive that first time he was actually shocked and hiding it...

I’d take a step back for a few days and think how you feel about him... I’d struggle to get past it too but only you know your relationship and what you get out of it. If it’s amazing in every other way perhaps let him apologise and move on.

CatsGoPurrrr · 18/05/2021 05:58

Hi OP

both of those comments are horrible. I wouldn’t be able to get past them. It’s like he feels he’s doing you a favour by going out with you.

You deserve better.

Flowers
14Tealights · 18/05/2021 06:36

I think some of these responses are a bit unrealistic.

We never know what someone is going to look like naked and, when we finally see them, I think it is reasonable to expect that, when they finally see us, there might be something about us that makes them a bit surprised if it is a bit 'out of the ordinary'.

Part of that is because we are so un used to seeing anything other than perfection in bodies. If a body looks very different to we'd expect, I think some period of 'getting used to it' probably does happen.

It's shit being on the receiving end of that but it's human nature. On the rare occasions someone has said my body is "great" or whatever, I know that they are overlooking rather than including my unattractive feature.

I didn't date for a long time because of it. But now I'm interested in the men who can see past it and who find the whole me attractive. I don't expect them to not notice it or not be initially surprised/put off.

Flossie44 · 18/05/2021 06:47

I agree with 14Tealights.

What was said must have floored you. But I can see what he was trying to say. The fact that he felt comfortable enough to be honest with you, was a good thing. But he’d already admitted that wine didn’t leave him with amazing social skills..

What he said was hurtful, but both comments are him telling you that he’s learnt along the way the preconceptions aren’t how we should live, and that by learning about someone, means you love them deeper.
I think I’d see that side of what he was telling me.

Look deeper. I hope things work out for you. 💓

Guavafish · 18/05/2021 06:56

Poor you

Tell him him you need some time alone

Original poster
HereWeGoAgainPart2 · 18/05/2021 07:01

Thanks for all the comments. 14tealights his uneducated comment was meant in the same way you thought about it - he said the next day that he just meant that when he was online dating he’d always just dismissed any profiles that didn’t have a higher education qualification as he’d assumed they wouldn’t have much in common. We didn’t meet through online dating but he just meant that he’d have dismissed me when he shouldn’t have.

I don’t know why it upset so much as, like I said, I know my chest is shocking to look at. I think it’s just the first time I hadn’t actually been thinking about it, he didn’t recoil the first time he saw it and constantly told me how attractive he found me. That clearly wasn’t the case Sad

OP posts:
TheWeeDonkeyIsMySpiritAnimal · 18/05/2021 07:06

He finds you 'quite' attractive now, does he? How magnanimous of him. As for 'uneducated', what a condescending and patronising arsehole. Two of the cleverest people I know didn't go to university, in fact one of them didn't even sit their GCSE's but is still a higher rate taxpayer.

I wouldn't be able to forgive either of those things he said, I'm afraid. And him adding a disclaimer that he always upsets people when drunk is bullshit.

Bagelsandbrie · 18/05/2021 07:06

Well I don’t think he sounds very nice. Both the body comment and the uneducated comment. Would be a dump from me.

MindtheBelleek · 18/05/2021 07:09

@14Tealights

I think some of these responses are a bit unrealistic.

We never know what someone is going to look like naked and, when we finally see them, I think it is reasonable to expect that, when they finally see us, there might be something about us that makes them a bit surprised if it is a bit 'out of the ordinary'.

Part of that is because we are so un used to seeing anything other than perfection in bodies. If a body looks very different to we'd expect, I think some period of 'getting used to it' probably does happen.

It's shit being on the receiving end of that but it's human nature. On the rare occasions someone has said my body is "great" or whatever, I know that they are overlooking rather than including my unattractive feature.

I didn't date for a long time because of it. But now I'm interested in the men who can see past it and who find the whole me attractive. I don't expect them to not notice it or not be initially surprised/put off.

I think you’re entirely missing the point here. Do you expect a sexual partner to go into detail to your face about his struggle to find you sexually attractive? While telling yo7 in the same conversation he was surprised to find himself dating someone ‘uneducated’?

I’m sorry, OP. I don’t think it’s possible to come back from this. I would block and move on.

He should definitely never drink if this is what he comes out with.

You sound great.

fredberr · 18/05/2021 07:13

I wouldn't be able to get past the comments about education never mind the rest.

You poor thing. I think you know the answer re what you need to do. Thanks

ichifanny · 18/05/2021 07:21

Oh no .. what an awful thing to say . Sorry I think once someone has made you feel like this about yourself theres no coming back from it , it’s almost like negging, putting you down so you feel grateful he is with you . The power balance shifts after that .

ichifanny · 18/05/2021 07:22

And ‘ quite attractive’ ffs someone who is meant to love you should make you feel like you are THE most attractive person for them .