There’s no getting over this is there?

[HereWeGoAgainPart2]

I’ve been dating someone for nearly a year now and things seemed to be going really well. We were considering introducing each other to our kids and have been spending more and more time together.

We had a weekend together last weekend. On the Saturday night we both got a bit drunk. We often share a bottle of wine but I don’t like being drunk and he’s also said he hates being drunk as he always manages to upset people. Anyway we were drunkenly chatting and I was saying how much I liked him and that I really wasn’t expecting or wanting to meet anyone after my divorce but I’m really glad he did. He tried to reciprocate with something similar but ended up saying that he never thought he’d be happy with someone who was uneducated (I don’t have a degree due to having to drop out of uni to look after my dad but I don’t think I’m stupid, I read loads and can hold my own in most conversations). But what really hurt was he said that after the first time he saw me naked he was pretty shocked and realised my body would take some getting used to but he’s glad he stuck it out and he actually finds me quite attractive now. Due to an accident I have deformed ribs and a large amount of scarring on the left side of my chest and my left breast is deformed as a result of the scar tissue. It’s a massive issue for me. My ex husband never once saw me topless with the light on but this new man never seemed dazed by it at all and constantly told me I looked great.

As soon as he said it he must have seen my face and immediately started backtracking, saying it came out wrong and he didn’t mean it like that. I just went to bed and said that we’d talk about it in the morning. In the morning he was again hugely apologetic but I just couldn’t bear to have him near me. The thought of doing anything sexual with him ever again is just horrible knowing what he thinks about how I look. Deep down obviously I knew what he thought, there’s no way you can look at my chest and not be shocked. I’d just kind of forgotten about it with him and had actually been enjoying sex for the first time in my life.

He’s been calling me and I just don’t know what to say to him. I do love him and I know he’s sorry and I do think it just came out wrong because he was drunk. I don’t know what to do or if there’s a way I can get past it.

I also agree with @Flossie44 and @14Tealights . Some of the comments here are quite harsh and your description of him other than this one incident sounds like he's a good bloke.

I get incredibly loose lipped and say things I really don't mean when I've had a drink (hence, I now don't drink very much at all).

My very dear friend had a baby at 17 who is now herself at uni. I once told her when drunk how surprised I was that she'd managed to recover from such a disastrous mistake and how shocked I was that her DD also made it to uni given her struggle as a single mum.

Horrific and unforgivable comments! What I meant to express what how fantastic it was that she'd managed to do a degree and get such an amazing job (all down to her hard work and perseverance), all with a young baby and I think she's superwoman! And that it's a testament to her that her daughter has made it to uni and how great she's been at steering her onto the right path (she very nearly went off the rails). But drunken me came out wrong.

I was mortified, embarrassed, etc etc. Being the amazing person she is, she knows me well enough to know how much I champion her so merely advised me it'd probably be best not to drink with her again.

I know it's not quite the same but it sounds like he stumbled on his words terribly. It's awful that he's made you feel that way about your body but I'd perhaps judge him by his actions not what he says when drunk. That being said, some bridges clearly need to be built.

So, just to be clear, he blurted out two offensive comments (however indelicately) about things that he knows you are sensitive about and just kept going with these comments???
He made offensive comments about your body. A body that has been through an accident and recovered and is what makes your body yours, and has been part of your life experiences???
He made offensive comments about how educated or not you are and this would have been a stumbling block has you been listed on an on-line dating website and he would have moved past your profile had you had a degree/doctorate/whatever??

He IS ignorant.

You can do SO much better than this guy.

Time to move on. He really doesn't deserve any more of your time. Perhaps you dumping him will give him pause to think how he should treat women and what he should say to women.

I don’t have an answer, I’m sorry. I know how completely devastated I’d be if my partner were to comment like that on an issue of mine.

Take some time to process and decide whether you love him enough to be able to forgive his idiocy, or if this is the hard line for you. If it is, that’s completely ok. It’s also ok to forgive and move forward from this

I would not want to build a life with someone who had to gamely struggle their way past their initial reaction to me in order to reach “I actually find you quite attractive now”. And “uneducated”, Christ. You’re not a charity case he’s doing a favour to.

I would also suggest that after only a year there’s a lot about him you still don’t know, and jibes to make you feel small and insecure could be part of that picture.

For me more than the comments about his initial reservations I'd be really upset about him saying he found you "quite" attractive. It's just so wishy washy!! I personally couldn't get past that, I'd be so insecure. I'm so sorry this has happened, OP and hope it doesn't dent your confidence in the future.

I’m really sorry, OP. I honestly don’t know what else to say. He really shouldn’t drink, and I say that as someone who is a terrible drunk person (I start a row or cry and storm off. It’s embarrassing).
I’d find it hard to forgive him but won’t judge you if you do. I guess in his mind he meant that you don’t meet all his criteria of the dream partner - and I’m sure he doesn’t for you either. In many ways my other half is the complete opposite of what I would have liked, but I fell madly in love with him anyway. My body isn’t perfect either and I haven’t got a degree. So what? You sound lovely and he clearly knows that with the amount of grovelling he is now doing. He sees you for the many amazing qualities you have. He should work harder on his own flaws from now on, that’s for sure.

OP, there are two possible realities here.
Either 1) The man is a shit who uses alcohol as a cover for deliberately hurting and undermining you or
2) He meant to compliment you, to say his original reservations about your appearance and education have been completely overcome by how much he loves you and now appreciates both your intelligence and your body. His phrasing was simply clumsy.
Only you can judge which reality is correct. We have never met him.
How does he behave when sober? Is he loving, supportive, encouraging, or unpleasant, undermining and critical?
Judge him on the whole year, not one drunken evening. Listen to your gut feeling. Look at his reaction now - is he brushing it off, or mortified? Is he desperate to make amends, or telling you that you are over sensitive?
Personally, I would give him another chance. But DH and I, both being autistic, often said blunt things that came out wrong, yet loved each other to bits right up to his death.
Your call, OP.

I don't know, he wasn't very nice but if this was a one off I'd probably let it go. Things can come out in the wrong way when we've had too much to drink. He was too honest, but there is something to be said about being honest with your partner, and being able to share your innermost thoughts. I think he was trying to do this but that it all came out a bit wrong.....

If you chose to let it go then you need to be able to move past this and to continue to feel confident in yourself!

Hmm it’s a hard one op. I’m a poorly speaking drunk so understand that side but it is usually the truth ( just badly phrased) I don’t drink much now because I don’t like hurting anyone with thoughtlessness
Having said that, he would never judge someone on education in the first place. I have masters etc my dh I think he got some GCSEs. It wasn’t even on my radar when I met him. He’s got a lot more common sense than me for starters! It’s worrying he has the education judgement in the first place.
As for your physical appearance, it’s a tough one. If it was meant as a compliment somehow it still affects how you now feel about your body with him and that’s the problem. Can you get to the point where you feel sexually at ease and attractive with him again? If not, it’s not going to work.
He should stop drinking going forward if he’s going to hurt people

Oh right he is Brad Pitt is he? Honestly the arrogance of some men! You are a survivor and your body carries some scars just like the rest of us!

I would dump him.

I know you love/loved him but he's crossed a line here. He's chosen two things you may feel sensitive about and used it against you. Being drunk gave him the confidence to speak his mind - this is what he truly thinks despite the backtracking. It's up to you whether you forgive him. I couldn't as I would know him to not be the nice person I thought he was.

This reminds me of the friends episode where Ross wrote an awful pros and cons list about Rachel.

babdoc I definitely think it’s the latter, he really doesn’t have a bad bone in his body and he is absolutely mortified.

runyreddiamond that’s what I’m really struggling with. I do think it was just clumsy wording, I do love him loads and I want it to work out. But, at the moment at least, I can’t imagine ever being sexually at ease with him again. Before him I’d only ever been with a couple of guys, always with the lights of and I’d always been too self conscious to be able to relax and enjoy myself. With him it was completely different but I just don’t think I’ll be able to get back to that.

Well it can be ‘the truth expressed clumsily’ and still be something you don’t want to get past. I wouldn’t want to keep having sex with someone who had that sort of view about my body, even if it had developed to ‘I actually find you quite attractive now’ (gosh, thanks ever so) and it wouldn’t matter how genuine he was or wasn’t about feeling that way.

But I also wouldn’t totally rule out that this is something he did consciously or unconsciously to make you feel small and awkward. Even if he seems lovely and acts mortified now. Just keep an eye out for more of that if you do stick with him.

There seems to be a lot of focus here on what HE might have meant, or what HIS intentions where, or how you can contextualise HIS behaviour.

But what about YOU. It’s okay that you may feel like YOU don’t want to have sex with him ever again. It’s ok if YOU need to be with someone who doesn’t have to process your injuries or your lack of formal education.

We’ve heard a lot about what HE thinks and HIS desire to apologise but unless he can start prioritising YOU here, he was never for you anyway. Irregardless of whether he’s a decent guy, you don’t have to excuse him for the hurt he has caused or minimise your feelings about it

Hi OP

I'm sorry this happened to you .

I must say that I completely agree with babdoc. My lovely, funny, kind and generous OH can also and rarely word things so badly they are insensitive/inappropriate for the situation. He's mortified when I explain how his words made me feel, as he definitely wasn't trying to upset me.

I had an exceptionally abusive first marriage. My now ex-H didn't make insensitive comments, however the mental and physical damage he caused took a long time to recover from (he got a custodial sentence for it).

Because of my own experience, I'm a firm believer that actions speak much louder than words. If in all other aspects of your relationship your OH has been decent, loving and supportive, I think I could forgive his crass comments. I would want to sit him down (sober) and explain why his comments hurt you so much. His reaction will help you to decide whether you want to try and continue with the relationship.

@HoppingPavlova

I find it hard to believe half a bottle caused this shit to dribble out of his mouth.I would think he is using alcohol as an excuse to say things he well knows are unacceptable which makes him an arse.

This. For me, both comments are equally bad and using booze as an excuse doesn’t wash. It would be curtains for me, because I wouldn’t ever feel comfortable naked with him again, and I’d think he’s a judgmental arse given he thought you were uneducated simply because you didn’t go to uni.

The thing is, he obviously touched a nerve on both counts.
You said yourself that you've got "a bit of a chip on your shoulder" about the fact that you didn't finish your degree.
You've also explained that you feel self-conscious about your body and he's the first man you've felt comfortable enough with to enjoy sex, buy bikinis etc.
I get the impression that this is a big factor in why you feel so upset; you felt "safe" with him and now you don't

But I think he was trying to tell you - albeit in a very clumsy way - that you don't need to feel insecure about these things; the lack of degree is not important, and your "imperfect" body is attractive to him. He's saying that he's glad he met you and didn't write you off because of preconceptions and prejudices. I don't think you can hear it, though, because he's been honest about two things that make you feel insecure.

Whatever you do about the relationship, I hope you can find a way to feel confident on both counts (your education/intelligence and body) because none of us are perfect and that doesn't make us any less attractive or worthy.

FWIW I think it sounds like a great relationship and he sounds like a great guy, and if it was me i think I'd give him another chance. But I'd understand if you didn't want to.

I'm really surprised by some of these replies, too; I think a lot of people have missed the point.

Honestly OP, as someone on the spectrum who manages to offend people even without alcohol, I read what he was saying as this:

He found you attractive but thought he might have a problem with your appearance. Turns out not. He liked how you look before seeing you naked. He likes you naked even more now.

The uni thing: that is pretty easily explained with the filters.

He is relieved and thankful that him being shallow in these departments didn’t on this occasion mean he missed out on you.

And OF COURSE you should wear the bikini, because there is nothing more attractive than a woman who is confident in her body. And until very recently you were! With him. I think you can get it back.

I think we all secretly have things we might prefer, but keep our mouths shut. Maybe he has too much hair on his chest, or his penis is bent, or not the size you like, maybe his hair is thin, or you wish he had broader shoulders. The first few times we are naked together are an exploration and discovery, and once we are satisfied with what we have found, we settle into togetherness, quirks and all. When he was drinking, he let it slip that he was more surprised than he thought he would be by what he “discovered” but is delighted now that he chose to pursue the relationship. Maybe he was waiting for you to say similar? Like “ I was a bit taken aback by your skinny feet and weird belly button, too, but they are endearing now, and part of what makes you, you”. He loves the person and feels you are the one he wants to be with. Talk about your sensitivity on this, but listen to what he says, too. Don’t shut him out that quickly. He sounds mostly lovely, but I don’t think you two should drink together!

Oh- and wear the bikini. I’ve mentioned before that I live very close to a beach on the Gulf of Mexico, and walk often along the water. I have seen elderly ladies wrinkled from the sun, men with stomachs overhanging tiny speedos, women who are morbidly obese, women so thin, it is painful to see them, men with furry backs, children and adults in every possible shape and size or disability and as the poster above said, there is nothing as attractive as someone confident in their own skin. The world is for all of us, not just for Instagram models.

spectacular lack of tact he has there for a sensitive issue. Not sure id be able to forget that easily, but I think you also have to take into consideration the rest of your relationship too. Hes basically told you that he had initial prejudices and hes so glad he worked through them.

Hes had a big foot in mouth moment cos that would have been better talked to someone else rather than you

@H0Tcarrots

There seems to be a lot of focus here on what HE might have meant, or what HIS intentions where, or how you can contextualise HIS behaviour.

But what about YOU. It’s okay that you may feel like YOU don’t want to have sex with him ever again. It’s ok if YOU need to be with someone who doesn’t have to process your injuries or your lack of formal education.

We’ve heard a lot about what HE thinks and HIS desire to apologise but unless he can start prioritising YOU here, he was never for you anyway. Irregardless of whether he’s a decent guy, you don’t have to excuse him for the hurt he has caused or minimise your feelings about it

Yes, exactly. It's been rather alarming to see so many posters leap in to defend and minimise. What matters here is what the OP feels. What her boyfriend may have meant, or whether her boyfriend should become teetotal if alcohol regularly makes him unleash 'honesty' whose content is incredibly hurtful on a regular basis, or whether this is somehow evidence that he is really a great guy for not running a mile at her lack of education and scars (!) are not relevant here.

What came out of his mouth came out of his mouth, and the fact is that it has devastated the OP, entirely understandably.

Almost no one is suggesting he was being consciously hurtful, but the fact is that what he said has caused the OP great pain, and probably re-opened old psychological wounds from the serious accident that caused her scarring and deformed ribs. Whether or not he's a 'decent guy' is irrelevant. If a decent guy accidentally ran you over in a car, you'd still be just squashed flat as if he'd been trying to kill you and failed.

I agree with @Shemeanswell. Given that you love him, with good reason until this incident, and got so much further physically with him that your ex, I wouldn't cut him off completely for this. It will take a while to recover from, but I believe the kinder interpretations and that the booze is at least partly to blame, rather than writing him off as some terrible shit. It sounds like you could be happy together, and maybe even more confident if you work this through and realise you're not a fool at all and he truly does find you attractive. He needs to give you time and then do a lot of making up for it though.

id tell him that what he said was dickish and insensitive and you need time to decide whether its something you can get past.
its not easy to let yourself be vulnerable with someone, and if he needs to think outloud about how glad he is that he managed to get past a part of your body that you are massively sensitive about too, then maybe he doesnt feel as lucky to have you as youd thought he felt.

Apologies are one thing, but I would definitely want to know what he was thinking

And that isn't at all to minimise the hurt that OP is feeling from his comments. It's more about whether this previously happy relationship ending because of these comments is really going to help the OP in the longer run. Will she ever feel able to trust any man again? Will she feel more or less confident if she bins him off for this? Given all the positive things she's said about him and even her belief that he was mortified and didn't mean it the way it hit her, I think there's more promise in trying to work things out and not letting this be the reason the relationship ends.

If a decent guy ran you over rather than an asshole did it on purpose, sure you'd be injured either way, but surely when you were out of A&E, you'd be more likely to forgive the first one and put the other in prison.