There’s no getting over this is there?

[HereWeGoAgainPart2]

I’ve been dating someone for nearly a year now and things seemed to be going really well. We were considering introducing each other to our kids and have been spending more and more time together.

We had a weekend together last weekend. On the Saturday night we both got a bit drunk. We often share a bottle of wine but I don’t like being drunk and he’s also said he hates being drunk as he always manages to upset people. Anyway we were drunkenly chatting and I was saying how much I liked him and that I really wasn’t expecting or wanting to meet anyone after my divorce but I’m really glad he did. He tried to reciprocate with something similar but ended up saying that he never thought he’d be happy with someone who was uneducated (I don’t have a degree due to having to drop out of uni to look after my dad but I don’t think I’m stupid, I read loads and can hold my own in most conversations). But what really hurt was he said that after the first time he saw me naked he was pretty shocked and realised my body would take some getting used to but he’s glad he stuck it out and he actually finds me quite attractive now. Due to an accident I have deformed ribs and a large amount of scarring on the left side of my chest and my left breast is deformed as a result of the scar tissue. It’s a massive issue for me. My ex husband never once saw me topless with the light on but this new man never seemed dazed by it at all and constantly told me I looked great.

As soon as he said it he must have seen my face and immediately started backtracking, saying it came out wrong and he didn’t mean it like that. I just went to bed and said that we’d talk about it in the morning. In the morning he was again hugely apologetic but I just couldn’t bear to have him near me. The thought of doing anything sexual with him ever again is just horrible knowing what he thinks about how I look. Deep down obviously I knew what he thought, there’s no way you can look at my chest and not be shocked. I’d just kind of forgotten about it with him and had actually been enjoying sex for the first time in my life.

He’s been calling me and I just don’t know what to say to him. I do love him and I know he’s sorry and I do think it just came out wrong because he was drunk. I don’t know what to do or if there’s a way I can get past it.

I actually think the education comment is worse than the physical comment. As if having a degree in anything makes you more intelligent than the next person! His wording about what you look like was definitely clumsy at best and ill thought out. It’s a tough one and only you know whether you can get over it.

Ah that must have hurt. But he was being honest while drunk. Now you know that he was shocked but overcame that shock, to find you attractive - it’s good that you know that, despite the drunken lack of tact. The uneducated thing he needs a slap for though...

I'd dump for the 'uneducated' comment alone.

Definitely not something I'd forgive. The uneducated comment, let alone the other one. Sorry OP

@Flossie44

I agree with 14Tealights.

What was said must have floored you. But I can see what he was trying to say. The fact that he felt comfortable enough to be honest with you, was a good thing. But he’d already admitted that wine didn’t leave him with amazing social skills..

What he said was hurtful, but both comments are him telling you that he’s learnt along the way the preconceptions aren’t how we should live, and that by learning about someone, means you love them deeper.
I think I’d see that side of what he was telling me.

Look deeper. I hope things work out for you. 💓

Nah, not buying that, he's a nasty piece of work and is trying to make the op feel grateful that he's overlooked what he perceives as faults and decided to be with her regardless. It's fine for him to feel that way about her body but ffs he should've kept those thoughts to himself, and don't get me started on the uneducated bullshit

Reading this made me feel hurt. He really should not have said that the way he did. If it were me I’d never quite feel the same way about him and it would put me off continuing any relationship.
If you were both to salvage the relationship I’m not sure you’d be able to fully get back to what it was.

I also think the ‘uneducated’ comment is probably worse. And he was far too honest about your body. He didn’t need to say that and I think it will affect your relationship going forward.

He was drunk and blurted out insensitive things which would have been much better left unsaid .... or phrased differently.

The education comment he seems to have given a decent reason - I wouldn't be too bothered about that.

The comments about finding you attractive - clearly when he did first see naked the fact that he didn't recoil shows how attractive you were to him regardless. There was so much about you that made him fancy you that the scar/disfigurement did nothing to 'dampen his ardour'. That's got to be a good thing. And now he finds it (not you, it) quite attractive. All this is good.

What's not good is that he told you he's a bad drunk and has no filter but he went ahead anyway. He must have known he was likely to say those things as they're in his head. And even knowing he's a bad drunk when he was actually drunk he couldn't stop himself from saying those things. That's what I'd be concerned about.
We all have things in our heads about people, sometimes partners, that are better left unsaid. He needs to learn how to keep them that way, even if that means he can't have the odd wild night.

It reminds me a bit of Pride & Prejudice, when Darcy tries to tell Elizabeth that he loves her but ends up insulting her and her family in the process.

Giving him the benefit of the doubt, I don't think he was "negging", I think he meant well but was extremely tactless and clumsy.

I can understand why you feel so hurt and upset. I think it would be difficult to get past it, although I don't think the comments are unforgivable, it sounds as if you wouldn't forget them, and you would struggle to feel completely secure and confident about his love, respect and attraction for you.

See I don’t think the uneducated comment is that bad. It’s a fact she doesn’t have a degree (and therefore isn’t educated to degree level). He’s not saying she is stupid or unintelligent. I think a lot of people assume their partner would have a degree when they imagine their ideal partner and he’s being honest when he says that.

As horrible as these comments are and as much as you must be reeling right now, I have a modicum of sympathy for the bloke. Way, way, way more for you! Don't mistake me. I feel terrible for you, OP.

But.....Have you ever tried to explain something and chosen completely the wrong way to say it? Have you ever thought you were saying something complimentary but said it in such a way that the person you said it to was hurt? I probably have a few times, but my husband has done this all his life. If his mouth is open, he'll regularly put his foot in it! For example, a recent chat about celebrities getting breast implants went like this-

Me- "I'm constantly worried about getting old and saggy."

MrFF- "sounds horrible. You can get boob implants when that gets bad enough."

He meant "it sounds horrible to be worried all the time. If there's ever a point where you want to have surgery, that's fine, you could do that."

I know him extremely well. But anyone listening in would have thought "what a bastard!"

Another gem involves him telling people he never wanted to be involved with a single mother, couldn't imagine anything worse....when we were fairly new in our relationship and I already had two kids! He meant that he had always thought it would be awful but it wasn't, he was surprised at himself etc...

My husband does have ADHD so a lot of his are a symptom of his mouth running before his brain has worked out the finer details of how to format his thoughts for public consumption. I feel that alcohol does that to people regularly.

That does not mean you've no right to be hurt, and I think he ought to be clarifying now in the cold light of day what his thoughts and feelings genuinely are. I expect he's horrified at his bumbling idiocy.

I think I could get past this OP.
His tongue was loosened by drink and he spoke honestly, even if not neatly.

He didn't say that you're a hideous, dumb, monster. He said that he was shocked, as you've acknowledged anyone would be. He said that he realised it would take some getting used to, meaning he was willing to get used to something that he personally didn't find very attractive. But now he actually finds you more attractive.

He recognised an obstacle in being with you, worked through it and admires you more at the otherside.

Can you do the same for him being a drunken arse?

I find it hard to believe half a bottle caused this shit to dribble out of his mouth.I would think he is using alcohol as an excuse to say things he well knows are unacceptable which makes him an arse.

I think you can overcome this OP. I think it was a case of drunken word vomit, where he was trying to say something positive but it came out wrong.

Re uneducated, we all have our prejudices and you showed him that his thoughts on education were just that - a prejudice. That you don’t need a university degree to hold an intelligent conversation and be successful. That is a compliment in disguise!

Re the physical comment, who can genuinely say that when they first started seeing their partner they were attracted to their bodies (apart from those with partners who work out, etc)? As in a lot of relationships, the attraction comes with time, and there’s nothing wrong with that. He was just silly enough to say it out loud. Surely the extent to which he kept reassuring you he finds you attractive shows a thoughtful side of him?

This doesn’t have to be the end.

You have said you know deep down that there is no way anyone can look at you and not be shocked, so why should he be the one human being that is immune to this shock? It would have been better unsaid of course, but it sounds to me like he was making a clumsy attempt to participate in this honest conversation you were having. I really don’t get all the calls to dump him for one ill conceived comment if he is otherwise a good person and you are happy.

I too would find the uneducated comment more insulting, although with the added context around that (i.e. he would have filtered somebody without a degree out of OLD), than perhaps that is permissible too.

I think some of the comments here are really OTT and @Flossie44 and @14Tealights are right.

That's not to say that what he said wasn't hurtful or completely confidence shattering, OP or to undermine your feelings. It sounds to me like classic alcohol 'honesty' that comes out completely wrong. I don't think it sounds like he's doing you a favour by being with you at all. We all have prejudices and filter people for spurious reasons and are at times proven completely wrong.

Whether you can move past it at all is completely up to you - give it a few days. Sometimes people do or say things you just can't recover from, no matter how they were intended.

Ok this sound like something my DH would do. He is totally honest, doesn't have a drunk filter and absolutely means no harm. He has really hurt my feelings in the past and I massively called him out on it.
We went in to have a child with autism. I wonder if he is on the spectrum too.

The thought of doing anything sexual with him ever again is just horrible knowing what he thinks about how I look.

Whether it was his intention to undermine your confidence and self-esteem or he's just utterly tactless is largely irrelevant because the effect on you wouldn't change even if you knew why he said the things he did. Worse still his words will have the effect of always making you wonder if other potential partners would think the same.

His comments about education would bother me more because it suggests he hasn't mixed in a wide enough social circle to know that a qualification does not equal intelligence. His comments more generally would make me think he was quite shallow.

It's such an injustice that he reveals his character flaws and you're the one who ends up feeling bad about yourself. Years ago I might have thought it was mature of me to sympathise with someone who expressed themselves badly but I'm older and wiser now and that level of tactlessness wouldn't be something I'd be prepared to spend the time getting past.

Uneducated?
Well learn off here op..
He is a twat..
Lesson learned.
Ltb.
As for the physical comment... Was he expecting you to be grateful he found you 'quite' attractive?
Mention you were quite attracted to his rather small penis..
But you aren't now.

hoppingpavlova we’d had way more than half a bottle each. Sorry if I wasn’t clear in my OP - I meant we often share a bottle but have never really had more as I don’t really enjoy feeling drunk and he said that he always puts his foot in it when drunk, but on this occasion we had had more.

I really don’t think he was ‘negging’. As soon as he saw my face he was absolutely mortified and immediately tried to clarify what he meant. He’s done absolutely nothing like this before in the year we’ve been together, no other red flags at all.

I just feel really embarrassed tbh. And annoyed with myself that I thought he didn’t see it as an issue when of course it is. We’re supposed to be going on holiday in a few weeks and I’d actually bought some bikinis for the first time in my life and had felt quite good in them when I’d tried them on. Masectomy bikinis but still way more revealing than anything I’d have considered wearing this time a year ago.

I’ve told him to just give me a bit of time but I just can’t imagine shaking this feeling of being an absolute fool. And even if I can the thought of him touching me again, knowing what he actually thinks about me, is horrendous

There is an expression that goes "In vino veritas" which translates to "in wine, there is truth". So he is speaking what he has been holding in, deep down for ages I'd imagine. He clearly doesn't have a filter when he has consumed alcohol so will blurt out whatever he wants to - to make his life easier as he has unburdened himself of these thoughts or issues that have been clearly troubling him.

I do not condone what he has said to you in any way, shape or form. It was in my opinion, unforgiveable.

He sounds really ignorant. Ignorant of your feelings. Ignorant of how he is coming across as a bit of a dick to be honest. Just ignorant.

If someone that I was going to introduce my children to and let further into my life came out with something as hurtful as what this bloke said to you, I would not be allowing him further into my life. He wouldn't be part of it. Full stop.

There will be someone out there for you who you will love completely and who will love you completely, with no terms and conditions attached.

FOJN he did clarify his education comments in that he just meant that in online dating he always just filtered out women without further education so if we’d both been online dating we wouldn’t have met. But again, that could just be a convenient excuse and doesn’t exactly make me feel much better about something that he knows I’ve got a bit of a chip on my shoulder about.

Oh OP you poor thing. What an idiot he was.
I think you’ve just got to give yourself time. See how you feel in a while, don’t make any rash decisions either way.
You’re clearly a strong woman who has come through a lot, and you deserve happiness x

I’m surprised people are defending him. He’s prepared you for insults when he’s ‘drunk’ after 2 glasses of wine and then delivered them. And he’s making out he’s having to lower his standards and work through things to be with you. He sounds abusive. Take care.

He 'actually finds you quite attractive now?' 🙄