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Original poster

There’s no getting over this is there?

155 replies

HereWeGoAgainPart2 · 18/05/2021 00:52

I’ve been dating someone for nearly a year now and things seemed to be going really well. We were considering introducing each other to our kids and have been spending more and more time together.

We had a weekend together last weekend. On the Saturday night we both got a bit drunk. We often share a bottle of wine but I don’t like being drunk and he’s also said he hates being drunk as he always manages to upset people. Anyway we were drunkenly chatting and I was saying how much I liked him and that I really wasn’t expecting or wanting to meet anyone after my divorce but I’m really glad he did. He tried to reciprocate with something similar but ended up saying that he never thought he’d be happy with someone who was uneducated (I don’t have a degree due to having to drop out of uni to look after my dad but I don’t think I’m stupid, I read loads and can hold my own in most conversations). But what really hurt was he said that after the first time he saw me naked he was pretty shocked and realised my body would take some getting used to but he’s glad he stuck it out and he actually finds me quite attractive now. Due to an accident I have deformed ribs and a large amount of scarring on the left side of my chest and my left breast is deformed as a result of the scar tissue. It’s a massive issue for me. My ex husband never once saw me topless with the light on but this new man never seemed dazed by it at all and constantly told me I looked great.

As soon as he said it he must have seen my face and immediately started backtracking, saying it came out wrong and he didn’t mean it like that. I just went to bed and said that we’d talk about it in the morning. In the morning he was again hugely apologetic but I just couldn’t bear to have him near me. The thought of doing anything sexual with him ever again is just horrible knowing what he thinks about how I look. Deep down obviously I knew what he thought, there’s no way you can look at my chest and not be shocked. I’d just kind of forgotten about it with him and had actually been enjoying sex for the first time in my life.

He’s been calling me and I just don’t know what to say to him. I do love him and I know he’s sorry and I do think it just came out wrong because he was drunk. I don’t know what to do or if there’s a way I can get past it.

OP posts:
SpeakingFranglais · 20/05/2021 18:33

I don’t know which comment I find the most offensive but either way he doesn’t see you as an equal.

No coming back.

Original poster
HereWeGoAgainPart2 · 20/05/2021 18:46

deathraystare sorry I have no idea what that means.

OP posts:
Original poster
HereWeGoAgainPart2 · 20/05/2021 18:48

14tealights I think you deal with it in the same way I do - as he hadn’t mentioned I was pretending to myself that he hadn’t noticed or minded, when obviously he had. I think a lot of the confidence I’ve gained over the last few months has been simply because I’ve convinced myself that he hasn’t really noticed and now he’s burst that bubble I don’t think I can come back from it.

OP posts:
Paddingtonthebear · 20/05/2021 18:53

Those are two comments that will be very hard to get past. I’m so sorry but I would be ending this relationship swiftly. Don’t let this undo all the progress you have made with your confidence Flowers.

BigHeadBertha · 20/05/2021 18:55

As one who has been married for many years, I can say that we've both hurt each other terribly a time or two in that time, and I would be surprised if that wasn't true for every long term couple. And I am not talking about abusive situations but real people who occasionally fail. As Bob Marley said, "The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for."

I would not end a good thing over one episode of drunken diarrhea of the mouth. Your issue will still be something you have to live with and deal with anyway and you will have lost out on a potential permanent partner who you have a good year invested in. You'd be surprised what people can, and do, get over.

SimonedeBeauvoirscat · 20/05/2021 18:59

I’m sorry this happened to you Flowers You are beautiful.

Sorry if you’ve mentioned this already but did he know before you went to bed that you have some disfigurement? If he didn’t know then I can understand why he would be a bit surprised. Obviously he was immensely untactful to say so. But it does make a difference whether he was expecting it or not.

(The education comment makes me think that he’s quite a judgemental person and although his relationship with you has changed his perspective, it shouldn’t come to that. So that’s a whole other matter. Taken on the whole I’d be highly sceptical of him tbh).

tsmainsqueeze · 20/05/2021 19:19

@fredberr

I wouldn't be able to get past the comments about education never mind the rest.

You poor thing. I think you know the answer re what you need to do. Thanks

These are my thoughts too .
Original poster
HereWeGoAgainPart2 · 20/05/2021 19:29

I’m really not upset about the education comments at all. He clarified that he simply meant we wouldn’t have met as he filtered out women on dating apps without further education. It was just him saying that, followed by the body comments that seemed to make it a lot worse at the time.

OP posts:
RAOK · 20/05/2021 19:45

I would ask him if you could take a break for a couple of weeks as you need time to consider the future of your relationship and if you feel you would be able feel sexually confident with him going forwards. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Do you see a counsellor? I think this is the kind of thing that she may be able to support you with.

Rubyreddiamond · 20/05/2021 19:50

I agree, I would take a break to figure this out. He’s broken your trust and you need to figure out if it can be rebuilt and you can be vulnerable again with him.

Elsiebear90 · 20/05/2021 20:03

I can understand why you’re hurt, if he is otherwise an excellent partner I would give him the benefit of the doubt. Sounds like he was trying to say that he was initially taken aback by your scars, which I think if everyone was being honest they are as well when they first see significant scarring, but that he is used to it now and he finds you attractive anyway. The other comment sounds just like he’s glad he didn’t write you off early on by assuming because you don’t have a degree you wouldn’t have much in common, which is fair enough imo because when I was dating I was also looking for someone who was university educated or in a professional role for the same reason.

BinocularVision · 21/05/2021 09:00

@HereWeGoAgainPart2

deathraystare sorry I have no idea what that means.
I think she's just suggesting you smack him, OP, with no hidden meaning.
honeybuns007 · 21/05/2021 09:07

'Quite attractive' 😑

Honeyroar · 21/05/2021 09:17

Well his superior education didn’t teach him any manners, did it!

Have you heard from him this week? I was initially horrified for you when I read this a couple of days ago. But from your explanations and the fact that he was so drunk I think I’d meet him. Tell him exactly how upset you are and how it’s made you feel- including how you can’t imagine feeling relaxed in bed with him ever again. Then see what he comes back with. Then make your decision.

Original poster
HereWeGoAgainPart2 · 21/05/2021 09:21

I told him that I’d see him next weekend and I just needed a few days on my own and he seems to be respecting that. He’s sent me a couple of daft meme’s that he thought I’d like but that’s it.

OP posts:
BinocularVision · 21/05/2021 09:32

How are you feeling about it, and about him now, @HereWeGoAgainPart2?

I must admit, I would be irritated at the sending of daft memes, which suggest to me he doesn't understand the seriousness of what he's done in terms of its impact on you.

Rubyreddiamond · 21/05/2021 10:23

I agree @BinocularVision

14Tealights · 21/05/2021 17:10

I don't know. I'd read the sending of a couple of daft memes as him communicating that he understood why she was taking this time away from him and wasn't pissed off with her for it.

Of course, he'd have no right to he pissed off but we all know what some men can be like if their 'authority' or behaviour is challenged.

Neither has he given her a hard time for taking some time.

Tbh, I think he sounds like one of the good ones.

As for the education comment, when I did online dating, I filtered out anyone who didn't have a degree or higher. As someone else said, you have to filter on something! I don't filter on height or income so I had to manage the search results somehow!

Liverbird77 · 21/05/2021 17:19

You deserve better than this.
What disgusting things to say.

Original poster
HereWeGoAgainPart2 · 21/05/2021 20:48

I don’t mind him sending me the meme’s at all. I don’t want him to think that we’ve split up as we haven’t, I just want a bit of time to get myself together

OP posts:
honeybuns007 · 21/05/2021 21:13

Don't give up on what you say is an amazing man because of a single clumsy conversation

Honeyroar · 21/05/2021 21:28

I think the memes are probably just his way of staying in touch without hassling you.

BinocularVision · 21/05/2021 21:50

I just think if I was aware that I’d hurt someone’s feelings very badly when drunk, and they’d asked for space, I wouldn’t be sending them the 2021 online equivalent of knock knock jokes.

14Tealights · 21/05/2021 22:21

@Honeyroar

I think the memes are probably just his way of staying in touch without hassling you.
I agree.
Rubyreddiamond · 22/05/2021 10:03

@BinocularVision

I just think if I was aware that I’d hurt someone’s feelings very badly when drunk, and they’d asked for space, I wouldn’t be sending them the 2021 online equivalent of knock knock jokes.
Agree , you can still keep in touch without sending jokes. Can’t imagine sending jokes if I’d hurt someone but may be he’s a bit clueless
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