There’s no getting over this is there?

[HereWeGoAgainPart2]

I’ve been dating someone for nearly a year now and things seemed to be going really well. We were considering introducing each other to our kids and have been spending more and more time together.

We had a weekend together last weekend. On the Saturday night we both got a bit drunk. We often share a bottle of wine but I don’t like being drunk and he’s also said he hates being drunk as he always manages to upset people. Anyway we were drunkenly chatting and I was saying how much I liked him and that I really wasn’t expecting or wanting to meet anyone after my divorce but I’m really glad he did. He tried to reciprocate with something similar but ended up saying that he never thought he’d be happy with someone who was uneducated (I don’t have a degree due to having to drop out of uni to look after my dad but I don’t think I’m stupid, I read loads and can hold my own in most conversations). But what really hurt was he said that after the first time he saw me naked he was pretty shocked and realised my body would take some getting used to but he’s glad he stuck it out and he actually finds me quite attractive now. Due to an accident I have deformed ribs and a large amount of scarring on the left side of my chest and my left breast is deformed as a result of the scar tissue. It’s a massive issue for me. My ex husband never once saw me topless with the light on but this new man never seemed dazed by it at all and constantly told me I looked great.

As soon as he said it he must have seen my face and immediately started backtracking, saying it came out wrong and he didn’t mean it like that. I just went to bed and said that we’d talk about it in the morning. In the morning he was again hugely apologetic but I just couldn’t bear to have him near me. The thought of doing anything sexual with him ever again is just horrible knowing what he thinks about how I look. Deep down obviously I knew what he thought, there’s no way you can look at my chest and not be shocked. I’d just kind of forgotten about it with him and had actually been enjoying sex for the first time in my life.

He’s been calling me and I just don’t know what to say to him. I do love him and I know he’s sorry and I do think it just came out wrong because he was drunk. I don’t know what to do or if there’s a way I can get past it.

Jesus Bertha could you say unsightly a few more times?

I think a lot of the pro boyfriend posts on here rely on the op feeling that someone willing to overlook unsightlyness is better than no one.
Not everyone wants to be with someone desperately enough that being "fine with it" is enough for them. Personally I don't want less than a partner who desires me. Being tolerated isn't better than being single.

Anotheruser02- The OP requested responses to her situation and that is my reply to her, which I hope she finds useful. If you find my post objectionable, you are free to report it but I am not interested in arguing with you. Have a nice day.

@Anotheruser02

Jesus Bertha could you say unsightly a few more times?

I think a lot of the pro boyfriend posts on here rely on the op feeling that someone willing to overlook unsightlyness is better than no one.
Not everyone wants to be with someone desperately enough that being "fine with it" is enough for them. Personally I don't want less than a partner who desires me. Being tolerated isn't better than being single.

It’s human nature to want to be attracted to the person you’re sleeping with. Unless we’re all supermodels, who here realistically believes that a guy (or girl) should and does immediately fancy every part of their body when they see your naked body for the first time? Every lump or bump? Every round belly or jiggly thighs?

The reality is attraction usually grows when you’re with someone average or below average. No idea how attractive the OP is but she has scarring on her body...is the guy honestly an ass for being surprised when he saw it for the first time, but has since been able to ignore it and see OP as attractive, to the point where she feels comfortable?

bigheadbertha it’s not that I don’t want to get past the comments, I absolutely do. As I said I love him and I know that my body is pretty shocking to look at. It was just hearing him say it, after he’d already said he wouldn’t have considered dating me as I’m uneducated hit me really hard and I don’t know HOW to get over it.

His clarifications made total sense - I’d probably filter out people in a similar way on online dating and there’s no denying my body is deformed but he never made me feel it was. I’m not angry with him about the comments, I’m just hurt to the point that I’m so mortified that I can’t imagine ever getting intimate with him again without it feeling exactly like it did with every other man I’ve been with - just wishing it’s over and constantly adjusting my position so you can’t see my left hand side.

mmmomdd thank you, that’s exactly what I need to hear. I know I’m being unreasonable but I don’t know how to get rid of this embarrassment and go back to how things were. I just feel like a bloody idiot.

I think in this case @MMmomDD speaks a lot of sense, I think op it's a question of how he able to regain your trust going forward.

Take it slow at your pace, you are not a bloody idiot, you are just human who has been through stuff that many others have no idea about.

OP - just start at the basics. You found a guy you like and enjoy spending time with. Think and try to remember how the early days used to make you feel.
And - just keep talking and spending time with him.
He sounds like a good guy and he knows he hurt you by what you said. So I am sure he’ll be sensitive and will try to pumper you and help you regain your bearings....
And don’t force yourself to be intimate right away. Just be together, talk, eat, have fun. Cuddle.

I think, once your head switch off and your relax around him - your natural chemistry and muscle memory will lead you both back to where you have been.

But - I also do think you can benefit from talking to a professional, to help you deal with these issues.

I think you’re entirely missing the point here. Do you expect a sexual partner to go into detail to your face about his struggle to find you sexually attractive? While telling yo7 in the same conversation he was surprised to find himself dating someone ‘uneducated’?

He was being honest, too honest and insensitive due to the alcohol but I prefer honesty in a relationship even if it hurts what I'm hearing.

OP, personally I would have a frank conversation face to face with him and explain what you've said here. How insecure you've always felt about your body and how for the first time you've really enjoyed sex with someone without hang ups. Like many people he probably had in mind a "perfect" body when he started dating only to discover there is no such thing except in magazines. The fact he's been able to get past it and now finds you attractive is lovely in a way, he cares for you and your body lack of perfection is no longer an issue for him.

As to his explanation for "uneducated" I get it. I truly do. I have many female friends who date on line, and will pass profiles if men are tradies, labourers or don't have university qualifications. It's what happens when you don't know the person and have to make a decision to make someone purely on very basic information.

Only you know if you can get past his insensitive comments when he was drunk, but an honest chat with him (without alcohol) will go a long way to make up your mind.

What are you supposed to be, grateful to him or something?

You can do far better, op.

Hi OP, I'm really sorry that you feel so upset. I totally get your feelings, as I have been on the receiving end of a few "brutal (unnecessary) truths". Yes it might be true, however he was drunk and blunt. I also totally get how he managed to put both his feet into his mouth and jump in when pissed. I'd be most worried about this tbh. Will he be like this all the time and does he drink often or has he sworn off it now?

I'm sorry you feel so vulnerable, I have a physical difference which has caused me similar issues. The only way I could cope was by pretending I didn't care when I really did. Much love 💖

No I wouldn't be able to get over that

@Susannahmoody

What are you supposed to be, grateful to him or something?

You can do far better, op.

It's not about being 'grateful, it's about being realistic.

I have a physical feature that is unattractive and is widely considered to be unattractive and is joked about by men and women for being 'disgusting'.

It would be foolish of me to think that every man who sees me naked will be instantly attracted to it. Some will be able to see me as a whole person and see beyond it, others will focus on it and not.

It's not about being grateful. It's about recognising those who are worth it and those who are not.

Some men have continued to date me and then made negative comments others have dumped me and others have never mentioned it.

None of those is any better than the other really. I know they see it. I know they are not attracted by or to it. Whether they say anything or not depends on whether they are a decent person or not. I would ignore the insensitive comment made when drunk that the OP heard because I know that it will have been a thought process for all of them and people say stupid things when they are drunk.

Bottom line is, I'm never going to meet anyone who isn't 'shocked' by this feature. They will all either have to get over it or not. The same goes for the OP. It hurts when you are faced with the reality of that butnitnisnt a case of being able to "do far better" if, overall, the relationship is good.

For the record, I've only had one relationship where it hasn't ultimately been the cause of us splitting up either because of comments they made or because of how I feel about myself because of it.

The only way I could cope was by pretending I didn't care when I really did

Yes. And it's shit.

beelzebop drinking hasn’t been an issue at all so far. We’ve been seeing each other for a couple of days a week, most weeks for nearly a year now. Maybe once a week or two we’ll share a bottle of wine with a meal but I don’t think either of us like being drunk and he’d already said that he often manages to upset people when he’s drunk. It was just that one particular night we’d had dinner early with a bottle of wine, then sat down to watch a film with another and suddenly we’d got through nearly 3 bottles over the course of the evening. Obviously we won’t be doing that again though as look where it got us!

I’m a bit nervous posting this because I don’t want you to think I am in any way defending his clumsy words- I’m not, they were awful and damaging and he’s an idiot- but I wondered if you had ever had counselling to help you come to terms with your changed body after your accident? Changing Faces have a helpline you could try if not: www.changingfaces.org.uk/

I’m not just thinking about this incident, but about what you said about your ex husband never seeing you with the light on, and not being able to relax with partners because of it etc. Regardless of what decision you make about this particular man, I hope you can find a way to accept yourself as the strong, altered but still beautiful person you quite clearly are.

I would still also say- take a step back if you need to, give yourself all the space you need, but don’t make any big decisions just yet until the big waves of hurt have calmed a bit and you can see/feel more clearly what’s left x

14tealights I think you’re right - unless you have some kind of disfigurement it’s difficult for people to understand. It’s not ‘begging’, he’s not saying he thinks I’ve gotten a bit chubby or that I’ve got wonky teeth - things that are perfectly normal features which some people find attractive and others don’t. What I have is a disfigurement- my ribs on my left side are dented and then stick out, half my left breast is missing due to scarring and what remains is all pulled into a weird shape where it had to be stitched back together. I wouldn’t expect anyone to find it attractive and tbh I’d find it more concerning if they did!

I'd be worried be was setting you up to think it was the 'drinks fault' in some way that he was horrible. Telling you it made him say things and then drinking anyway so he could do it.

Because I'm sorry op but theres a difference between putting his foot in his mouth and doing what he did. He was utterly cruel and a little tipple was not the cause of that.

The board has seen it's fair share of women blaming boozing for their abusive partners bs.

I smell shit. As the saying goes xD

Look back over your time together. Has there been other indicators of ...selfishness or coldness or controlling (which you may have excused 'insecurity') behaviour? Does he perhaps, name drop other women? (Eg: talk about an ex either positively or negatively a lot? Or talk about how pretty certain women on tv are ect...). Does he spoil other times when you are happy? (Like he did this time).

Have a think.
Because to me, what he did to you was a classic sign of a nasty piece of work testing to see if he could start abusing you badly. Eg: will it really hurt her? And will she excuse my behaviour and take me back anyway?

@HereWeGoAgainPart2

beelzebop drinking hasn’t been an issue at all so far. We’ve been seeing each other for a couple of days a week, most weeks for nearly a year now. Maybe once a week or two we’ll share a bottle of wine with a meal but I don’t think either of us like being drunk and he’d already said that he often manages to upset people when he’s drunk. It was just that one particular night we’d had dinner early with a bottle of wine, then sat down to watch a film with another and suddenly we’d got through nearly 3 bottles over the course of the evening. Obviously we won’t be doing that again though as look where it got us!

OP, you sound great, but I'm concerned that you seem to be taking on an element of responsibility here for how much he drank that night, when that's really not on you, especially as he has said that he 'often manages to upset people when he's drunk'.

To me a track record of doing this makes it even more his responsibility to either not drink at all, ever, around people he cares about and who might be injured by whatever 'wine wisdom' he comes out with, or to learn to keep his mouth shut if he does.

I mean, can you imagine regularly waking up after a night of drinking with the realisation that you've said things like what the OP's boyfriend said to her, more than once, to people you purportedly care about?

If the OP chooses to end the relationship, it will be entirely on him and his inability to control his tongue when drunk. Not on her inability to 'get past' things.

Good luck whatever you decide, @HereWeGoAgainPart2

I wouldn’t expect anyone to find it attractive and tbh I’d find it more concerning if they did!

But there’s a difference between someone not being turned on by that specifically, and what he said.

An ex of mine had a physical issue that wasn’t the same as yours, but was about as extensive. I’m not hugely turned on by scar tissue(!) so that wasn’t the most attractive part of him to me, but it was part of him, it’s not something I found so shocking I needed to struggle to get past. And I would never ever have said or thought “I actually find you quite attractive now”, that’s just awful.

I worry that you are coming round to thinking “well my body is hideous and anyone would have to really work at finding me attractive, at least he was honest.” Which is not right.

And the ‘uneducated’ line - okay, so he explained that he meant he wouldn’t have met you otherwise because his online dating profiles filtered out people without a degree. Okay but - he’s just told you he was filtering out people without a degree. So clearly up until now he has thought he wouldn’t be happy in a relationship with someone who didn’t have one. Maybe he wouldn’t have used the word ‘uneducated’ sober, but it’s clearly not a million miles from what he does think, is it?

In general if someone was telling me that they would usually rule out someone like me for reasons XYZ but was with me anyway, I would hope that would be in the context of “wow, I was shallow” not “wow, weren’t you lucky”.

I've had to name change sorry. Beelzebob here. Just wanted to make it clear I am absolutely not excusing his behaviour because of drink. Didn't want to give the impression that I was! He is just as responsible for what comes out of his mouth drunk as sober.

But there’s a difference between someone not being turned on by that specifically, and what he said

If someone had made that comment to me, I'd actually have appreciated the honesty. I usually just get comments about it being unattractive or questions about doing something to change it or faux innocent questions asking why I don't wear certain items of clothing when it's really fucking obvious why I don't!

However, I'd also probably dump them. Not because what they'd said was unforgiveable but because I'd no longer be able to pretend they hadn't noticed which is how I largely deal with it now. But that would be my issue akd not theirs.

It's like when people respond to "will he be OK with my mum tum?" threads with "he'll be so grateful he's got a naked woman in front of him he won't notice". Of course notices. They always do. We always do.

We might like them as a person in spite of some physical flaw but it's never neutral. And the more 'shocking' the flaw, the more mental 'coming to terms with it' there is.

I actually think this guy's comment could be framed as almost nice. He could have thought, "Fuck that. I want someone who is x, y, z" and he didn't. He saw so many more things in the OP that are so much more than this physical disfigurement. I think he was trying to reassure her that he saw the person beyond the physical. And don't we all want that?

Smack the pig until he squeals - if you can be bothered that is .....

I think men that say the word quite in front of attractive/nice/sexy are negging you, most people find their partner, after a year, gorgeous/beautiful and it’s usually because they may well find them this way, or the fact that they are in love with you makes you gorge/beautiful, he is a dick and he hid it well.

@MissScotland101

I think men that say the word quite in front of attractive/nice/sexy are negging you, most people find their partner, after a year, gorgeous/beautiful and it’s usually because they may well find them this way, or the fact that they are in love with you makes you gorge/beautiful, he is a dick and he hid it well.

But he said he finds her attractive now. He said that it was in the very early days that he thought that.

'Quite' as a modifier can be dismissive as you suggest but it can also mean 'very much depending on the context and intonation.

I appreciate that people are trying to be supportive of the OP but, realistically, she is never going to meet anyone who isn't initially shocked/surprised at her appearance. It's a horrible thing to face up to but true. Some of those men will run and others will see beyond it. This man saw beyond it. But it doesn't mean there won't be a period of mental/expectation adjustment.

I'd give him the boot right away. What completely stupid things to say.