Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

There’s no getting over this is there?

155 replies

HereWeGoAgainPart2 · 18/05/2021 00:52

I’ve been dating someone for nearly a year now and things seemed to be going really well. We were considering introducing each other to our kids and have been spending more and more time together.

We had a weekend together last weekend. On the Saturday night we both got a bit drunk. We often share a bottle of wine but I don’t like being drunk and he’s also said he hates being drunk as he always manages to upset people. Anyway we were drunkenly chatting and I was saying how much I liked him and that I really wasn’t expecting or wanting to meet anyone after my divorce but I’m really glad he did. He tried to reciprocate with something similar but ended up saying that he never thought he’d be happy with someone who was uneducated (I don’t have a degree due to having to drop out of uni to look after my dad but I don’t think I’m stupid, I read loads and can hold my own in most conversations). But what really hurt was he said that after the first time he saw me naked he was pretty shocked and realised my body would take some getting used to but he’s glad he stuck it out and he actually finds me quite attractive now. Due to an accident I have deformed ribs and a large amount of scarring on the left side of my chest and my left breast is deformed as a result of the scar tissue. It’s a massive issue for me. My ex husband never once saw me topless with the light on but this new man never seemed dazed by it at all and constantly told me I looked great.

As soon as he said it he must have seen my face and immediately started backtracking, saying it came out wrong and he didn’t mean it like that. I just went to bed and said that we’d talk about it in the morning. In the morning he was again hugely apologetic but I just couldn’t bear to have him near me. The thought of doing anything sexual with him ever again is just horrible knowing what he thinks about how I look. Deep down obviously I knew what he thought, there’s no way you can look at my chest and not be shocked. I’d just kind of forgotten about it with him and had actually been enjoying sex for the first time in my life.

He’s been calling me and I just don’t know what to say to him. I do love him and I know he’s sorry and I do think it just came out wrong because he was drunk. I don’t know what to do or if there’s a way I can get past it.

OP posts:
GoldenOmber · 18/05/2021 15:06

If a decent guy ran you over rather than an asshole did it on purpose, sure you'd be injured either way, but surely when you were out of A&E, you'd be more likely to forgive the first one and put the other in prison.

For me, whether or not to continue a relationship with him wouldn’t be about forgiving him or not. It would be about whether I felt comfortable continuing to be with him given the views he expressed, and in this case, I wouldn’t.

LookItsMeAgain · 19/05/2021 10:09

@Pinkdelight3 - using your analogy:
If a decent guy ran you over rather than an asshole did it on purpose, sure you'd be injured either way, but surely when you were out of A&E, you'd be more likely to forgive the first one and put the other in prison.
I'd put both in prison because they shouldn't have run me over in the first place.
Whether one stopped to see what they hit might determine a lesser sentence for them but in your story, two blokes ran me over, one on purpose and one by accident.
I still ended up in hospital due to their recklessness.

Pinkdelight3 · 19/05/2021 10:13

It was a PP's analogy that I was trying to run with, but essentially I'm wanting the OP not to let this put her in hospital either way. And certainly not to never recover from it.

Justilou1 · 19/05/2021 10:22

I’m guessing he looks exactly like The Rock, Idris Elba and Chris Hemswortj all rolled into one... is more intelligent and educated than Sheldon Cooper and sexier than Brian Cox?

Divebar2021 · 19/05/2021 10:39

Posters here are judging this incident in isolation (and it’s very easy to suggesting dumping someone when it’s not you going through the heartache). The OP needs to consider this within the context of the relationship as a whole and whether she considers these hurtful comments as indicative of being thoughtless or unkind as an ongoing theme or an aberration.

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 19/05/2021 18:06

If you can't imagine being intimate again with him after his insensitive comments then I don't think the relationship will work.

He may well be mortified but the consequence of his words are that you now feel uncomfortable and inhibited at the though of being intimate with him. You trusted him to be understanding and sensitive and it is kind of like a betrayal that he spoke about your body in such a way. I'm not sure that many people could get past that.

Umberellatheweatha · 19/05/2021 18:18

Sorry but you complimented him.and made him feel good about himself and he flung shit in your face. If it has just been the education comment maybe it could have been misconstrued but then he commented on your body too. Deliberate negging. Horrible man. Absolutely get rid.

CarnationCat · 19/05/2021 18:21

I couldn't get past that. That's really horrible.

CarnationCat · 19/05/2021 18:23

I agree about the pp saying that this is negging. He's either just a horrible person with a massive ego or he's trying to shatter your confidence and make you feel inferior like to have to be grateful for him being with you...or both.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 19/05/2021 18:27

The uneducated comment would've been enough to seriously piss me off and reevaluate the relationship.

The comments about your physical appearance? Any feelings or sexual attractiveness would be dead,buried in a block of cement and dumped in the ocean.

IEat · 19/05/2021 18:46

Did he know about your injury and the scarring? It could have been a little shocking and he didn’t know what to say when you were naked and as he was drink long he lost his inabitions. If you see a future I think you need to be honest about how his comments made you feel

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 19/05/2021 18:49

@IEat

Did he know about your injury and the scarring? It could have been a little shocking and he didn’t know what to say when you were naked and as he was drink long he lost his inabitions. If you see a future I think you need to be honest about how his comments made you feel
They've been together a year and the comments were last weekend. He had plenty of time to see OP and "get his head around it" and think of what to say.
MMmomDD · 19/05/2021 19:06

OP - I think you are being unfair on him.
First - his comment about education. Many people use that as a first filter on a dating site.
If I were dating now - I’d also automatically dismiss anyone with less education. And if I were to meet someone on real life, clocked and dated them and then realised they only had a high school degree - I’d be surprised as well. As it’d be not what I’d have expected. It’s not a judgement. More of a compliment in reality.

As to the other point. I am sorry about your accident and you feeling self conscious. But - as it’s part of you - accepting it as is is the only way to be. And part fo that acceptance is realising that other people will take time to accept it. You know it’s true, but you seem to prefer to pretend it isn’t.
He never made you feel bad about it. You have dated for a while. You enjoyed sex - so clearly he made you feel wanted.
I know you’d have preferred for him not to admit how he reacted be when you met. But isn’t it just the reality that you already know anyway? Hiding from it doesn’t (and won’t) do you any good.
Humans are visual. At least at the very start of a relationship. Then we develop more of a emotional bond.
It’s inhumane for you to expect him not to be phased at all. He was, and he went past it - and now you have developed a deeper personal bond.
Your issues with what he said are more of your own issues stemming from the accident.
Have you had any help getting through it back in the day? If not - maybe you can get a little help now so you can better deal with your body image?

Good luck. I do hope you figure out a way to get through it. It’d be a shame to lose a human connection because you feel insecure over something you can’t control.

MMmomDD · 19/05/2021 19:07

‘Clicked and dated’ ....

TheWeeDonkeyIsMySpiritAnimal · 19/05/2021 19:37

And if I were to meet someone on real life, clocked and dated them and then realised they only had a high school degree - I’d be surprised as well

But would you tell them to their face that they were uneducated?

As to the other point. I am sorry about your accident and you feeling self conscious. But - as it’s part of you - accepting it as is is the only way to be. And part fo that acceptance is realising that other people will take time to accept it. You know it’s true, but you seem to prefer to pretend it isn’t
He never made you feel bad about it. You have dated for a while. You enjoyed sex - so clearly he made you feel wanted
I know you’d have preferred for him not to admit how he reacted be when you met. But isn’t it just the reality that you already know anyway? Hiding from it doesn’t (and won’t) do you any good

As for this...fucking hell. Seriously?! Yeah, OP's boyfriend actually did her a favour by letting her know what his initial reaction to seeing her naked Hmm JFC. Nobody, absolutely nobody, whatever their body looks like, wants or needs a critique of it after sex. Unless the first time he saw it was on a episode of Naked Attraction, he should have kept his gob shut.

ElspethFlashman · 19/05/2021 19:59

Not gonna even pretend that this wouldn't absolutely destroy my self esteem, OP.

FlowersFlowersFlowers

MMmomDD · 19/05/2021 20:25

@TheWeeDonkeyIsMySpiritAnimal
On dating with less education - it might have come up. I don’t drink, so I wouldn’t have blurted it out, or used those words. But - I could see myself saying something about how he is very different from anyone I had ever dated...

On the body issues. If he said it all when sober and in different circumstances - Thant I’d be with all of you saying ‘bad man, how could he, etc’
However - he admitted that he has an issue with saying things that upset people when drunk. This is what happened. His sober brain knows not to say what’s in his head. We all filter to save other people’s feelings.
That ability is affected by alcohol.
I have a friend who is like this. She is the nicest oldest friend I have had for years.
When she drinks - and she doesn’t can need to be drunk - she just loses all social graces. She blurts what comes to mind. She’s ask you if you are pregnant if your shirt if a little baggy, etc. This is how alcohol affects her.

But my main comment is more about OP and how she deals with her body transformation after the accident. She can’t change her body, but if she found a way to accept it more - and not hold people’s reactions against them - her life will be happier.
Her bf - if he didn’t actually find her attractive - would not have stuck around.
It took him a little bit to get used to the visual so that he could get to know her as a person.
Her reaction to this ‘revelation’ - is sad really. It shows denial of her reality.
It isn’t fair, but anyone who she’d date would need to get used to her scars. Some would not stick around, others would. Denying it doesn’t change it.

He wants to be with OP. I hope she finds strength and let the relationship become what it could be. She has found someone who accepts her as she is - and is attracted to her? Everything else was great.
Why waste it?

AnotherEmma · 19/05/2021 20:29

I agree with you MMmomDD but it seems we're in the minority on this thread!

Anotheruser02 · 19/05/2021 20:46

For an educated man he is an emotional fucking tool isn't he.

For me personally I wouldn't be able to stay with him after that because my sex life with him would be out of the window, I'd probably make sure he knew I wasn't angry but I couldn't get past it and I couldn't overlook the deep down belief he must have that I'm the lucky one.

I'm very sensitive to negging but I agree that I don't think it sounds like he was deliberately undermining your confidence. That's irrelevant though when you feel like shit because of what you know he's thinking.

PaleGreenGhost · 19/05/2021 21:11

I so agree that when trust is gone it is almost impossible to rekindle sex life.

But OP are you sure he meant "he finds you quite attractive" now? Because he surely found you attractive all along if you were having sex. Are you sure he didn't just make a hash of saying that although your scarring shocked him at first, he finds it quite attractive now (ie because it's part of the whole package that is you?)

cocodomingo · 19/05/2021 21:24

I think while the comments are hurtful, he wasnt trying to hurt you. He was reflecting while drunk to you about things which you agree are objectively true. I would day how you felt, and love on. Im sure he is as mortified for hurting you as well as saying what he said.

14Tealights · 19/05/2021 21:25

[quote MMmomDD]@TheWeeDonkeyIsMySpiritAnimal
On dating with less education - it might have come up. I don’t drink, so I wouldn’t have blurted it out, or used those words. But - I could see myself saying something about how he is very different from anyone I had ever dated...

On the body issues. If he said it all when sober and in different circumstances - Thant I’d be with all of you saying ‘bad man, how could he, etc’
However - he admitted that he has an issue with saying things that upset people when drunk. This is what happened. His sober brain knows not to say what’s in his head. We all filter to save other people’s feelings.
That ability is affected by alcohol.
I have a friend who is like this. She is the nicest oldest friend I have had for years.
When she drinks - and she doesn’t can need to be drunk - she just loses all social graces. She blurts what comes to mind. She’s ask you if you are pregnant if your shirt if a little baggy, etc. This is how alcohol affects her.

But my main comment is more about OP and how she deals with her body transformation after the accident. She can’t change her body, but if she found a way to accept it more - and not hold people’s reactions against them - her life will be happier.
Her bf - if he didn’t actually find her attractive - would not have stuck around.
It took him a little bit to get used to the visual so that he could get to know her as a person.
Her reaction to this ‘revelation’ - is sad really. It shows denial of her reality.
It isn’t fair, but anyone who she’d date would need to get used to her scars. Some would not stick around, others would. Denying it doesn’t change it.

He wants to be with OP. I hope she finds strength and let the relationship become what it could be. She has found someone who accepts her as she is - and is attracted to her? Everything else was great.
Why waste it?[/quote]
I don't often find myself agreeing with you, MMomDD but, in this instance, I think you're absolutely spot on (which I'm sure has made your day! WinkGrin)

BigHeadBertha · 19/05/2021 21:32

Bottom line, you have damage to your body from an accident, that you already know is unsightly.

He was shocked at first but kind enough not to tell you that, and now he is obviously fine with it. Because if he was not, he would not still be with you a year in and planning to get more serious with you.

Then he gets drunk and stupidly runs his mouth, telling you that he did, in fact, find the damage to your body unsightly at first. So, now it's all over and there is no coming back from that comment?

Are you even serious? I think you should definitely reconsider that position. Although he drunkenly said the truth, he kept it from you in the first place out of kindness and it actually is the truth. I am not sure it's likely to find someone who does not find unsightly damage unsightly before they have a chance to get used to it. You even think it is! Please don't let this one misstep spoil a beautiful relationship and future. And don't get drunk together anymore! Good luck, hon.

Washingtofold · 19/05/2021 21:45

Horrible things he said , both of them
To me the comments on your body are by far worse .
Yes he’s a snob and somehow believes his university education makes him better but he’s wrong and you could easily decide to study anytime . In other words it’s an insult about a variable . A thing we can choose or change if we please . Not that I’m suggesting you do as there absolutely zero truth in him believing he’s better or smarter . I’m simply saying people ( or most people can choose there study ).
As opposed to criticising something you CANT change , the was not a choice and that is intrinsically part of you
That’s why I don’t get people who are saying the education insult is worse
To criticise a woman’s body ? And then he expects you not to be self conscious and repelled by him ? He either completely lacks empathy or is an idiot
I don’t buy that alcohol is an excuse . I would feel the same as you OP
As others have said , there’s plenty of men who won’t have to ‘get past ‘ things , who will look at you without this reservation from the get go
You deserve better Flowers

MsMeNz · 19/05/2021 21:51

Negging... Negative back handed compliments to slow undermine your confidence and make you greatful to with him. Id walk. They will get more frequent and apologies will reduce over time. I'd imagine anyway. So sorry this happened to you but better now than years of chipping away at your self esteem but then turning into Mr innocent and she's just too sensitive etc.