When does a friendship become an affair?

[misshavershamsweddingdress]

I have been married for nearly 18 years, 2 DC, lovely home, lifestyle, good and kind husband (!) etc etc. But he has a female friend he has known for much longer than me, on and off over many years, periods of not being in touch and I think they have had a physical relationship at some point in the distant past (not completely sure). In the past two years his contact with her has become more frequent, at least every other day, if not daily and he won't let me see the messages they send to each other. Occasionally he will lock the bathroom door and I can hear talking from him but nothing in reply. At what point is this friendship more than that? Is it already?

Bemusing! Having been there I completely feel for you!

Urgh my dp had a female friend. Said she was like his sister. Lots of contact when I wasnt around, we would go out as a four with her husband. I then found out through a mutual friend they had slept together. I had asked him on occasion denied. I wouldnt have been bothered if he had been honest, but all of out mutual friends new except me. I thought contact had stopped but hes just said they have been in touch for the last so many years.. it's so difficult, not letting you see his phone is a red flag. It's awful op I know how you feel.

Sorry just seen update.so sorry. Awful the two of them. Stay strong

misshavershamsweddingdress I’m thinking of you.

I would forward every message from her to yourself first @misshavershamsweddingdress

How are you doing OP? Thinking of you x

@MangosteenSoda
That is what I was thinking too - his kids were in the house while he was in the bathroom - yuck

Thank you again for your thoughts. It's been an awful night, tears, angry words, rage. He won't admit that it's an affair, he says they are just good friends and he would never physically do anything with her even if he had the opportunity. He does admit that there is an attraction on both sides and some element of unfinished business but I'm not taking that as an excuse for his behaviour. I've told him that he can't be friends with her if he wants to stay married to me and he got cross saying that I can't ask him to choose between a friendship and a relationship. I said that there shouldn't even be the need for a choice. He's gone out today, I have the house to myself and I've taken the day off work. I'm going to go for a run. I still want to message her and ask her what the hell they were playing at but I won't, not yet anyway.

I'm sorry but that's the prescribed script from these bastards. Of course he knew what he was doing was wrong or he would have been upfront and honest.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it's v v hard, the thing that will show you where his loyalties lie is whether he admits what he's done is wrong after some reflection and agrees to cut contact completely or continue spouting the same shit that their relationship isn't inappropriate and he has a right to continue his 'friendship' with her.

So he's sticking to the story that it's just friendship (and they happen to be attracted to each other) even though you've told him you've seen the explicit exchanges?!

He expects you to be ok with them still being in touch despite exchanging explicit messages?!

He's such a prick.

I’m so sorry to read the update. You have all the evidence that the ‘friendship’ is inappropriate and he still won’t admit he’s done anything wrong. You know he has though.

that I can't ask him to choose between a friendship and a relationship

Errr yes you can if they're sending each other naked pictures ( and videos). How would he respond if you had been doing that?

The problem is that he needs to show remorse, understand and take full responsibility for the hurt. But from reading MN and my own experience how often does that happen.

Has he gone to visit her?

oh honey, I'm so sorry you life has been thrown into turmoil

I think we all no he probably wouldn't be very forgiving if you were sending another man explicit images of yourself, let alone be happy to let you continue a "friendship " like that.

You are worth a million times more and never let anyone make you doubt that. x

So presumably he would be totally ok with you sharing explicit messages, photos and videos with another man?

It's not choosing between a relationship and friendship though is it !!! Friends don't send nudes !! Sorry the line has been well and truly crossed !

Tell him you're about to start to send nudes to some of your make friends and you presume it's ok with him. Stupid man! Typical script, just because there's been no physical contact doesn't mean it's not an affair.

You're right op, you shouldn't have to ask him to chocolate, he should put his wife first and foremost

Choose, not chocolate

I know it used to be the case that people recommend a book by Shirley P. Glass
Not "Just Friends" on here.

Although it's about rebuilding trust and recovering your sanity after infidelity I think it applies to emotional affairs, texting, and sexting too.

Hi OP. I’m late here.... personally I would of gathered my own thoughts before speaking to your DH. Seems as though he isn’t going to back down easily here.

Did you get a contact number for the woman? I would call her when your calm and find out what you need to know and explain to it is causing you heartache

But then again why should the faithful partner (who hasn't been hiding in the bathroom sexting a divorcee) put in all the work? Why should OP be the one inevitably suggesting counselling, reading books, etc etc trying to manage the situation he created.

@mummyof4kids

Him not showing you the messages is a huge red flag. If this was innocent messaging then why hide them and lock himself in the bathroom. Time to get tough and demand answers

Not necessarily true. I wouldn't show my DP messages from my girlfriends as it's private.

My sister went through something similar. She was 'sexting' a work colleague - her husband found loads of explicit messages on her phone - she denied any physical contact (whether that is true or not I do not know) said she was flattered by the attention - but he was adamant that she had cheated, been deceitful and unfaithful in the context of the messages and the marriage was over. He made sure that on the divorce papers it was noted adultery by my sister.

Oh God kick the bastard out!! She’s obviously his ‘one that got away’ and he fantasises about what his life would have been like had they got together. She’s the greener grass. What an absolute test. He needs to grow the fuck up. You are SO MUCH BETTER than being his old ball and chain, keeping him from this perfect amazing life he could have had with this ‘dream woman’. Let him go to her. Once the initial excitement has worn off he’ll soon realise that day to day life with her is just as ordinary as it was with you and he will regret tearing his family apart for some schoolboy fantasy. And it will serve him right. How dare he treat you like this, the mother of your children. He’s living in a fantasy land and you should let him go and find out that none of it is real. That’s the best revenge. And you move on without him and make him regret it for the rest of his life. The fucker.

Affair.