Dating thread 204 - surfing the SeaofTwits

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

After whittling down my mad tinder swipe men I have a date next week with Mr Golf. We message everyday and had a good phone call so I am interested to see how this translates in real life.
Interestingly an old collegue has been in touch via a friend asking to meet 'just as friends'. I think I will meet him too. Im not sure I believe the friends thing entirely but that could just be my cynicism kicking in. I can spare a few hours of my time to meet him and find out. He is single.....

I've blocked Mr Racing finally, I went to the pub last night for dinner with my housemate, it was a spur of the moment thing, as I couldn't be bothered to go to the gym after my date and we needed dinner so we thought pub it is. Mr Racing asked me if it was a date or just with friends. It's none of his business. He said something on Monday night which made me so uncomfortable too.

So unless Mr Cricket comes through I'm not talking to anyone (he hasn't read my message from last night about if there is a next time it's my turn to pay yet). But having no one is better than a sleaze who told me I was hard work and cold and thought a dick pic was a chat up line. He doesn't have the charm and likeability of Computer Geek and CG was never rude to me which is why he isn't blocked. So even if nothing comes of Mr Cricket it has made me realise I am allowed to have standards.

Hi @frankiefirstyear it sounds really rubbish and no wonder your’e down about it as you like him don’t you? Its hurtful to you that he suddenly backed off because his kids overheard. Not very manly either, you need to start taking your power back as it will make you feel better, as hard as it is, start being a little bit distant from him, stop checking in on him, keep your options open that’s what I’d do? X

@Dancerinthemoonlight it’s hard not to let it all get you down. How’s the job hunting going? Sometimes if you dont feel too bright generally the OLD makes everything seem worse x

@Dancerinthemoonlight when I feel like that I take a break, last time it was because a previous iron really messed with my head and my mental health was really suffering(lockdown didn't help). I took two months off and feel better for it now and can think more clearly, I've been blocking matches who have made me feel uncomfortable in some way(Mr Transfer wanted too much information, Mr Racing made me feel icky and got blocked this morning). This thread has been a massive help in me rediscovering what my boundaries are.

@Dancerinthemoonlight the way you can see what’s making you feel this way and why, shows your boundaries are good and working well so don’t doubt yourself, you’re stronger than you think!!

Tinder’s awful, not got one chat!

Thank you @Shayelle2009 that's basically what I'm trying to do. I do know he struggles with his MH so that's sort of why I check in. I sort of know how he feels, he's got burn out issues so it's a vicious circle as I know first hand I am so exhausted that I don't have energy to do things I want, end up doing nothing or something unhealthy like drinking or eating rubbish, then it's time for bed. Rinse and repeat. But if you actually get a move on and do something (for example have a date with someone lush 😋) it's bloody good for the soul! Yes I do like him a lot. I'd say I probably love him and I'm pretty devastated that I don't count as him being selfish especially as we both were each other's escapism.
I have my two chats going on, one is a very quiet and my ex has made comment about being on WhatsApp a lot (it's the first time I've ever given out my number to a stranger before, usually use Snapchat but he doesn't have that or any social media), the other chat I have more in common with but he's a bit younger than me and a lot more fit and buff so glad I've said chat only because id feel about 100 next to him I reckon 🙈

@Dancerinthemoonlight, you’ve worked hard to define your boundaries, don’t let a few random guys on dating apps make you doubt yourself or to negate the progress you have made. Maybe a little time doing other things would allow some of the negativity or frustration to dissipate. It might be that your life in general isn’t quite where you would like it to be and then one thing can affect another very easily. Sortingitout is right when she reminds us all to keep up our friendships and hobbies. That allows us not to put OLD at the forefront of our lives but keep it in perspective.

@Shayelle2009 I am applying to ones that interest me and pay enough. I'm in the events industry so it's still unclear what future will look like. There are just so many applications for each job that it's not even about trying to get noticed, it's trying to get lucky. Most of the jobs are also an hour plus away which isn't ideal.
I know I'm lucky to have a job at the moment but the work place is just so toxic, I even got a call from the US at 11pm last night to sort something out. They new what time it was but had been procrastinating all day to get documents over to a client that had to be over by cob. No doubt I will get the blame for it as there is the attitude from the top down that anything goes wrong they blame the team I'm on. In fact I was told that by the CEO which sealed the deal for me wanting to move.
I don't think being called at 11 last night helped how I was feeling. Hopefully the right job at he right price will come up soon.

As for the apps I get so many messages of 'you have amazing eyes' 'you are really pretty/stunning' etc that I'm beginning to feel like a piece of meat. That's what the apps are designed for though. All looks based and then personality

Yeah I feel for you @Dancerinthemoonlight that industry is in bits after this whole time isn’t it, I’ve got friends and colleagues who’ve had roles where they get calls all through the night who should have to deal with that - you’d have to be some sort of robot to not let that affect you.

@frankiefirstyear I know, when you are lucky enough to find a connection with someone it kind of makes all the crap in life seem easier doesn’t it !! We are all searching for it 💕

@Dancerinthemoonlight I'm sorry to hear a man has made you go backwards but I actually agree with others that it shows great boundaries thst you walked away.
When people stay stuff that hits a nerve its fine to be down about it but try not to dwell on it too much.
I think you've had a lucky escape, imagine being so insular that you don't know that all families have different dynamics. Sounds like he lives in a bubble of some sort and that would be hell to be with.

I'm sorry that your job situation is not great, thst definitely won't be helping how you're feeling.

I know I bang on about hobbies and friends so I'm sorry to mention it again (although I notice @Onesmallstep67 has already said it) but how is your life outside of work?

@Dancerinthemoonlight

I agree with pps - you've done so much work on your boundaries, keep going.

I've kind of followed a parallel path to you (bit older though!) with trying to filter a bit more recently.

And a lot of the guys I'd have "given a chance to" even last year I'm now dismissing! Which has left my dating rota somewhat sparse.

I'd say I'm attractive (preens like a chimp) but also feel a bit like I'm "wasting the pretty" with no dates and no attention.

And I completely get where you're coming from in that often the crazy unsuitable overdramatic enthusiastic sex types (MrMilitary for me ) can seem easiest as they are most familiar and pushy?

It's like our brains and emotions are trained to "adrenalin highs" so the day to day slog can seem really dull in comparison. Especially if your workplace is shit.

Can you get a few days away now the weather is better and we're unlockdowned? Mental health and wellbeing first, everything else is peripheral.

@Shayelle2009 the call wasn't even needed. I don't know where they saved the documents as they weren't in the folder. No idea how I was meant to know that but then that's the culture of he company. Blame the team I'm on.
@SortingItOut it's not actually a man who has made me go backwards it's people on my non dating life that are just me me me, I give them everything and are there for them and it's not returned. They treat me like I'm not even an option. I'm at the point in thinking if people I have known for years treat me like that then how can I expect a man to treat me differently.
@SpringlikeBunk I feel like saying to them just see me at 8am on a work day when I have dragged myself out of bed after little sleep and on day 3 hair. I'm going to take today easy And try and do stuff over the weekend rather than just a walk and job search.

I feel like I have been so intent on finding a new job that every day is the same. Work, walk, workout and job search. I need to shake up what I'm doing

Sorry to hear you're not feeling great @Dancerinthemoonlight I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. Especially the feeling like a piece of meat, this time around on the apps it feels as though everyone is just out for what they can get for themselves and there's little interest in meas a person.
On the verge of getting rid of my one and only chat.
I feel like I'm a few steps behind you and @SpringlikeBunk in that more specific filtering. I am a people pleaser at heart and I think mg boundaries need work. What can you plan in this weekend that will feel like a treat?

How long is the contract @Dancerinthemoonlight?

Maybe it's an age thing and I'm a cynical old biddy but can you (cough) be a dick back to them.

If they're going to get left in the shit, leave them in the shit. You don't need to be obviously hostile, but think of ways you can do the minimum but get off scot-free.

You seem really conscientious but workplaces are not your friend (same as men we date once or twice are not our best friends with our interests at heart!)

Yay so I heard from Mr Cricket this morning in response to my if he wants to do it again it's my turn to pay, he said a gentleman never let's the lady buy the first round. Not sure whether that is a good sign or not but he responded.

I think it’s really normal to get jaded with things and go through ups and downs.. and the downs are the catalyst to make the changes for the better... you’re doing really well @Dancerinthemoonlight I think it takes a strong person to keep steady with the job hunting and things like that - sounds like you deserve some nicer friends!!

That’s cool @Isitreallyme77 it’s like playing a game of chess isn’t it. What the hell is the best next move haha 😆

@springlikebunk it's a permanent position now but I have the excuse that I want to get back into in person events while the company I work for has switched to virtual and will be staying that way. I am going to be doing the minimum today. I am also not the only one in the team to be looking for an escape route.
@Shayelle2009 I really do need some nicer friends.

I think I might just pause the apps for a few weeks and just focus on me. I have been back dating about 6 weeks and went on 1 date a month ago.

@Shayelle2009 it really is. I'm so not used to a man like him. My friend thinks I should take his lead as he is obviously an old fashioned (in a nice way) type of guy.

@BelladiMamma is this really what men have said about why they ghost, they think it is less hurtful than just ignoring us. Do you think it is more a girly thing to do, having the conversation that it just isn't going anywhere. Have any of you dtd and then ghosted to avoid the conversation? Has is ever happened to any of you that it seems chemistry is there but then you get into the bedroom and you just wish within seconds you could run a 100miles in the opposite direction? hmmm

Oh my gosh I’ve got a date later. Mr India from the other day!! Meeting him this afternoon arrrgh. First date for me this year lol!!! Wish me luck!

@Shayelle2009 I hope it goes well. What do you plan to do? I think i finally see some light at the end of the tunnel with places opening up maybe meeting new people out in the real world will soon be possible!