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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He hesitated?

265 replies

stubbedtoe · 11/05/2021 15:19

Basically this.

I've been in a classic "commitment phobe" relationship for two years and I finally gave him the "all or nothing" message.

I am not saying he wasn't committed in terms of dating other people and so on, but more in moving forward with major life commitments like moving in or buying a home.

He was always a good boyfriend, but he has an almost phobic reaction to serious commitment because he says in the past it's never worked out and he found it hard to leave so ended up miserable for years.

Initially, when I gave him the ultimatum, I cut off contact and within 36 hours he sent me a message to say he was so sorry, he really loved me, I was the love of his life and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He even proposed and then started suggesting we look at houses together.

Then a couple of days later he seemed to second guess himself and asked for time and space away from each other so he could be sure his decision wasn't a knee-jerk reaction to the idea of losing me :(

I was devastated really by this. I felt a bit like surely you know if you love someone and want to be with them or not?

We are currently in "no contact", but he messaged me after 3 days to ask if I was okay and I didn't respond.

I am really confused here over whether or not I am being a big baby and maybe he is just being reasonable and taking time to think through a major life commitment.

OR

If a man loves you and wants to marry you, he bloody well knows it and doesn't need time and space to think about it.

What do you think? I am really confused over what to do when he comes back to me. He might come back and say he realises I am not the one (in which case no brainer) but if he comes back and says he wants to be with me and move forward, how do I react to that?

I feel a bit injured, ego wise and it's not exactly romantic.

OP posts:
duodunical · 11/05/2021 20:53

He seemed to have a lot of excuses for his rather cruel, selfish behaviour.

You're a patient, kind person OP, don't ever take him back, he never deserved you. Flowers

OrchestraOfWankery · 11/05/2021 20:56

Are you now supposed to beg him not to take the job?

wingsnthat · 11/05/2021 20:56

He’s 41? Fourty-one?

He’s never going to get married at his advanced age. He doesn’t want to, it’s clear.

He doesn’t want to lose you at the same time, but you’re at an impasse and logically the relationship ending is the only way to satisfy what you both want. He doesn’t want anything long term, you do. Cut your losses

genuinecommitmentphobe · 11/05/2021 20:56

I am so sorry, I didn't realise that I had missed your latest posts. I am so, so sorry. You will get through this, and meet someone better for you, honestly. Take care and take your time to get yourself back to how you were, be kind to yourself.

Flowers Flowers

wingsnthat · 11/05/2021 20:57

At the end of it all, you can’t force him to marry you against his consent. If he doesn’t want to, that’s fine, but your relationship is essentially over because your wants are important too

Immunetypegoblin · 11/05/2021 20:58

I'm sorry OP. It does sound like a lucky escape though to be honest Flowers

LeilaLiesLow · 11/05/2021 21:00

@wingsnthat

He’s 41? Fourty-one?

He’s never going to get married at his advanced age. He doesn’t want to, it’s clear.

He doesn’t want to lose you at the same time, but you’re at an impasse and logically the relationship ending is the only way to satisfy what you both want. He doesn’t want anything long term, you do. Cut your losses

@wingsnthat Just for the record and to make you re-think, an ex of mine married for the first time at 50 to a woman (divorced) who was 35. They are still together more than 25 years on.

41 is not old for a man to marry these days.

tentosix · 11/05/2021 21:01

He now says all the mini-breakups re-enforced the idea in his mind that I am psychologically unsafe and I might leave him sad Fair point, but they happened due to absolute frustration

But you need to say to him his constant reluctance to commit to you is making you feel psychologically unsafe too. Its not all about him

tentosix · 11/05/2021 21:02

Just seen the update.

You are well rid.

wingsnthat · 11/05/2021 21:03

@LeilaLiesLow err how does “over 25 years ago” amount to “these days”? That’s decades ago, it’s not recent and times have changed. I don’t think marriage is a prevalent now as it was over 25 years ago.

AmandaPlease · 11/05/2021 21:04

This sounds really tough, OP. But it's a good thing he's made the decision for you, and you're out of limbo.

It's awful that you're hurting but (for what my opinion is worth) I truly believe you're much, much better off in the long run. Hold out for someone who knows what they want.

Bigbluebuttons · 11/05/2021 21:05

I don't think everyone here necessarily fully understands what it's like dealing with someone who has such a deeply negative outlook on their future.”

Mother of God. Why would anyone CHOOSE that? It’s so utterly unattractive!

There’s some weird shit here - he has you stroking his ego and you have him as your project! Bin him off and do both of you a massive favour.

Bigbluebuttons · 11/05/2021 21:07

Just seen your update. That’s great news because you’re now both one huge step closer to being happy.

GreyGoose1980 · 11/05/2021 21:10

@stubbedtoe
He’s so totally not worth your time and all the energy you’ve put into interpreting his selfish behaviour. Sorry you are hurting so much right now but you are better off knowing who he really is. In time you will find a man who deserves you I promise.

Tightwad2020 · 11/05/2021 21:12

I haven't read all the replies, but I have read your posts and this stands out:
I'm never happier than with him...
I wish to God that wasn't the case and I was in love with someone without these issues because I've found it really hard and it's damaging to us.

Do you see the contradiction? OP, I'm sorry your relationship seems to be at an end, and you're in pain; but I think you might have been given a get out of jail card here. I think your expectations of happiness must be set quite low if this constant struggle to make an anxious, difficult man relax into a relationship and plan a secure future is you at your HAPPIEST. I'm not surprised you've been angry and frustrated. Anyone would be.

I hope you don't go back if he turns on sixpence and decides that he feels lonely and more scared without you than with you. You're not the the same page. His resistance to relaxed intimacy is still doing something valuable for him, he doesn't want to give it up. Find someone else. But I suggest you work hard on your own understanding of happiness first. Good luck

KaleSlayer · 11/05/2021 21:15

I don’t think that anyone saying this is great news is going to be particularly helpful right now. I think deep down you probably know it’s for the best too but being heartbroken feels bloody awful so you just need to get yourself through it however you can. Hopefully you have some good family and friends around to help. 💐

WinterSunglasses · 11/05/2021 21:18

@OrchestraOfWankery

Are you now supposed to beg him not to take the job?
That's what I thought too. Don't though. I agree with those saying that painful though this is, it's a lucky escape. I know he'd proposed, but imagine how long it would have taken him to then be ready to agree to a date, book a venue... imagine how anxious you'd have been on the morning of the wedding, wondering if he would pull a stunt like this then and not show. There would have been many more iterations of this over the years, and they too would have been painful and taken their toll. You have to deal with all the hurt in one go now, but you'll be free to be really happy without this constant shadow of doubt in the background.

Can you book some counselling for yourself? I think it would help you process this.

gracefull · 11/05/2021 21:20

This is an anxious-avoidant relationship, watch this YouTube video, which explains the exact dynamic you are describing:

The other school of life videos can help you understand ‘attachment types’ including your own and help you engage in healthier dynamics x

MindtheBelleek · 11/05/2021 21:21

This is a good thing, OP, even if it doesn’t feel like it now. Regardless entirely of the commitment stuff, I think it’s a deeply unhealthy dynamic for you both to view him as this nobly damaged and fear-haunted, and to view entirely humdrum pursuits like spending the night as some kind of major hurdle he needs to be coaxed and gentled over. Honestly, it sounds more like mental laziness and being set in his ways being glamourised.

NewlyGranny · 11/05/2021 21:22

That is a horrid way to break it off, stubbedtoe, but it has the merits of being clear and final, I guess. In time, you may be glad of it as it frees you up to pursue your goals and start enjoying your life without the big, wet blanket you've been dragging around.

Beware this being yet another "Can I test stubbedtoe to destruction?" experiment on his part. If he gets back in touch dithering and wanting to be coaxed, stroked, chased and generally pandered to, holding out false hope, you're going to need to be really strong.

Give yourself time without allowing him contact now. Let what your heart feels catch up with what your head knows. Hearts are slower than heads.

Think of him as a classic future-faker. It's probable he never intended you to have that future together.

duggeeismynewbestfriend · 11/05/2021 21:29

It's just not supposed to be this hard

OrangeFudge · 11/05/2021 21:32

I’ve just read most of your thread and just wanted to say I’m sorry you’re going through this pain 😔. As others say, him ending it may the best outcome and you may see this in hindsight but at the moment I can only imagine the rollercoaster of emotions you’re going through. You sound like a very loving person who’s invested so much in this relationship so the hurt must be immense. Take time to heal, be kind to yourself. You’ll get there.
You mentioned he’s done some work in relation to his attachment style (I think it’s very brave for an dismissive avoidant to even consider therapy!) but I wonder if you’ve maybe looked into exploring your attachment style too? I’m a firm believer that as there are always two in a relationship, if the dynamic turns toxic/push pull etc it’s the relationship that’s toxic, not just one particular individual. Both parties then should look at how they are contributing to that dynamic. It could be that by staying in a relationship that’s not healthy for us is our “toxic contribution” if that makes sense? We don’t have the power to change others but we most definitely have the power to change ourselves. It could it start with inspecting why you were willing to put yourself in the role of his therapist and accepted his deactivating/avoidant strategies for so long...? Exploring all this, maybe with a therapist (?), may be helpful so that future relationships are easier?
Flowers

Coffeepot72 · 11/05/2021 21:33

Don't compromise on your values, OP - too many women post on here 7 years down the line from where you are here, with 2 young children, a house not in their name and no security because they didn't want to seem "pushy" about getting married.

I wish I had said this to a friend of mine; after 15 years and five children she’s used all her bargaining chips.

Original poster
stubbedtoe · 11/05/2021 21:34

@gracefull thanks - we did these tests. He is fearful avoidant. I am securely attached - about as secure as it gets

OP posts:
Original poster
stubbedtoe · 11/05/2021 21:38

@OrangeFudge it was hard for him to start therapy, he said he did it because he loved me so much and wanted to be happy and stop being such a dick.

Honestly, I am just baffled he's made this choice

You are all correct and I do know it's for the best but it doesn't make it less hurty

OP posts: