He hesitated?

[stubbedtoe]

Basically this.

I've been in a classic "commitment phobe" relationship for two years and I finally gave him the "all or nothing" message.

I am not saying he wasn't committed in terms of dating other people and so on, but more in moving forward with major life commitments like moving in or buying a home.

He was always a good boyfriend, but he has an almost phobic reaction to serious commitment because he says in the past it's never worked out and he found it hard to leave so ended up miserable for years.

Initially, when I gave him the ultimatum, I cut off contact and within 36 hours he sent me a message to say he was so sorry, he really loved me, I was the love of his life and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He even proposed and then started suggesting we look at houses together.

Then a couple of days later he seemed to second guess himself and asked for time and space away from each other so he could be sure his decision wasn't a knee-jerk reaction to the idea of losing me :(

I was devastated really by this. I felt a bit like surely you know if you love someone and want to be with them or not?

We are currently in "no contact", but he messaged me after 3 days to ask if I was okay and I didn't respond.

I am really confused here over whether or not I am being a big baby and maybe he is just being reasonable and taking time to think through a major life commitment.

OR

If a man loves you and wants to marry you, he bloody well knows it and doesn't need time and space to think about it.

What do you think? I am really confused over what to do when he comes back to me. He might come back and say he realises I am not the one (in which case no brainer) but if he comes back and says he wants to be with me and move forward, how do I react to that?

I feel a bit injured, ego wise and it's not exactly romantic.

I think you are being used and manipulated as and when it suits him.

You poor thing op. I hope you find a relationship that doesn’t need quite so much work from you.

@stubbedtoe I’m wondering if you just make one last attempt to (as emotionless as poss) explain what you want out of life, explain that - as a woman - you can’t afford that time to wait, explain that if you are not on the same page, it’s only fair on you that you KNOW and can make a decision to move forward. I think you’ve been accommodating his needs, moving at his pace - and there is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with your pace, your needs, your desires - it’s your life! You just need - and deserve - a very clear answer.

And I disagree entirely with the suggestion that OP is controlling. It’s clearly OP that is being controlled in this situation.

And to text you about that job offer is clearly to evoke a reaction. He’s being a real knob! Do you REALLY want a life full of passive aggressiveness, self pity and general bullshit?

@MakkaPakkasSpongyThing

And to text you about that job offer is clearly to evoke a reaction. He’s being a real knob! Do you REALLY want a life full of passive aggressiveness, self pity and general bullshit?

Why would you suggest she give him another chance when you know what her life is like ?.

You can't see it now, but you had a lucky escape. I was married to a man like this - the first one to love him properly. 15 years of me pouring love into an empty vessel and trying to fix him only for him to run off with someone else once he got to a state of fixedness where being with me just 'reminded him of how fucked up he used to be.' Apparently he'd never really lived me, he just needed me.

Is a crap way to live and a really crap way to be left. I feel for you right now, I really do, but trust me this is better in the long run. Find yourself a healthy man to have a healthy relationship with

@Aquamarine1029

You two are not compatible. Why are you fighting this simple truth? He will never be the man you want him to be, and just because you love someone doesn't mean you shouldn't leave them. Sometimes it's just not going to work. This is one of those times, so stop wasting yours. Move on and find someone who wants the same things without having to resort to ultimatums, silent treatments and tears.

This. Perfectly explained

@SunshineCake well precisely. But if OP has invested so much time and energy in him, she should at least get some clarity! What is he afraid of exactly? Marriage? Kids? I didn’t bother with the marriage bit - I HATE the idea of a wedding, but have 2 gorgeous children and a stable life with DP (also needed a kick up the arse to commit).

I don’t see the harm in having a very frank conversation with him - one last make or break, and just get out of him what the problem is EXACTLY. No wimping, and no flouncing about.

...sorry need to stop with the capitals...

@NewlyGranny Your daughter sounds absolutely brilliant. However when I was in my dating years I found the ones who messed you about the most when actually in a relationship were the ones who were most available and appeared most keen and committed in the earliest weeks and months

YukoandHiro and SunshineCake, DD is amazing and has been since day 1 when she opened just one eye to check out her DF. Her tactic left her unencumbered when "the one" came along; a man as focussed and hard-working and lovely as she is. We all love him to bits.

@MakkaPakkasSpongyThing

I don’t see the harm in having a very frank conversation with him - one last make or break, and just get out of him what the problem is EXACTLY. No wimping, and no flouncing about.

He's had more than enough. Any man who needs a kick up the arse, or all the shit that the OP has gone through, isn't worth a second chance never mind the several he's had.

OP your posts are so similar to my relationship that if I didn't know better I'd think we had the same (ex?) partner.

I have no advice because if I did I wouldn't be in the same situation as you but I just wanted you to know that I completely and utterly understand. I'm sorry x