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Original poster

He hesitated?

265 replies

stubbedtoe · 11/05/2021 15:19

Basically this.

I've been in a classic "commitment phobe" relationship for two years and I finally gave him the "all or nothing" message.

I am not saying he wasn't committed in terms of dating other people and so on, but more in moving forward with major life commitments like moving in or buying a home.

He was always a good boyfriend, but he has an almost phobic reaction to serious commitment because he says in the past it's never worked out and he found it hard to leave so ended up miserable for years.

Initially, when I gave him the ultimatum, I cut off contact and within 36 hours he sent me a message to say he was so sorry, he really loved me, I was the love of his life and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He even proposed and then started suggesting we look at houses together.

Then a couple of days later he seemed to second guess himself and asked for time and space away from each other so he could be sure his decision wasn't a knee-jerk reaction to the idea of losing me :(

I was devastated really by this. I felt a bit like surely you know if you love someone and want to be with them or not?

We are currently in "no contact", but he messaged me after 3 days to ask if I was okay and I didn't respond.

I am really confused here over whether or not I am being a big baby and maybe he is just being reasonable and taking time to think through a major life commitment.

OR

If a man loves you and wants to marry you, he bloody well knows it and doesn't need time and space to think about it.

What do you think? I am really confused over what to do when he comes back to me. He might come back and say he realises I am not the one (in which case no brainer) but if he comes back and says he wants to be with me and move forward, how do I react to that?

I feel a bit injured, ego wise and it's not exactly romantic.

OP posts:
DizzySquirrel90 · 11/05/2021 20:17

@stubbedtoe

Yikes, he messaged and he's decided to take the job.

So that's us over.

Ouch

Devastated

because he accepted a job he clearly wants, it's over because it doesn't suit you?

Good for him. I certainly wouldn't turn down a job because my partner got moody about it.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 11/05/2021 20:19

Read the whole thread. Stop trying to solve his problems and solve yours. You're not compatible. You're flogging a dead horse. Anything else is you voluntarily choosing to waste your time. This is your lookout. You choose to continue giving away your agency, that is a choice. No decision is a decision. Own it or don't.

Original poster
stubbedtoe · 11/05/2021 20:20

@DizzySquirrel90 you're trying to be deliberately unpleasant to someone who is going through something very hard. Unhelpful.

No, it's not a job he wants, it's a job he can easily do closer to me. Please don't try and make me out to be standing in the way of him and his dream career. He can do the same job anywhere.

He has taken the job because he doesn't want a life with me

OP posts:
osbertthesyrianhamster · 11/05/2021 20:20

@stubbedtoe

He did end things

Texted a few minutes ago

X-post.

Think he's done you a favour here. I'm sorry, but this was a non-starter.

DizzySquirrel90 · 11/05/2021 20:22

[quote stubbedtoe]@DizzySquirrel90 you're trying to be deliberately unpleasant to someone who is going through something very hard. Unhelpful.

No, it's not a job he wants, it's a job he can easily do closer to me. Please don't try and make me out to be standing in the way of him and his dream career. He can do the same job anywhere.

He has taken the job because he doesn't want a life with me[/quote]
I'm not, your the one decided it's over because he has accepted this job.

(Which I don't think is a bad thing, I don't think you are compatible)

ElspethFlashman · 11/05/2021 20:22

Honestly you've dodged a bullet.

I'm sure he's very nice but he's absolutely pointless as a life partner.

And at 41, it's never gonna change.

DizzySquirrel90 · 11/05/2021 20:23

"Yikes, he messaged and he's decided to take the job.

So that's us over."

This makes it sound like he didn't end it but your taking him accepting the job as it being over.

ElspethFlashman · 11/05/2021 20:23

Dizzy she literally just said he dumped her. Hmm

Allthereindeersaregirls · 11/05/2021 20:24

I was your partner in this. I took time to answer DH when he proposed. I took a couple of weeks. It wasn't that I didn't love him or want to spend my life with him, it was that I wanted to be sure I was comfortable with myself, that before I really, really commited to another person I was sure of who I was, what I wanted and wasn't being hurried along by love. Thankfully DH gave me the time and space I needed. We were married 4 months later.

I appreciate it's not always the case though.

teraculum29 · 11/05/2021 20:25

I understand to take things slow, but taking 18months to say "I love you" is pretty much slowwww.

sorry

DizzySquirrel90 · 11/05/2021 20:25

@ElspethFlashman

Dizzy she literally just said he dumped her. Hmm
@ElspethFlashman please see my confusion as stated in my previous comment.
PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat · 11/05/2021 20:26

He ended a two year relationship with a text? That’s unforgivable.

I’m sorry OP but it sounds like it might be for the best. You deserve someone who wants to commit to you.

bofski14 · 11/05/2021 20:28

I posted on here years ago about my boyfriend not committing to me and what I should do. I'm now happily engaged to someone wonderful who loves me, warts and all and I have never had to play games with him. When someone wants you, there are no mixed messages. Repeat - there are no mixed messages. This was a revelation to me as I'd spent years trying to figure men out. Take this advice from an internet stranger - there is someone out there who will love you wholeheartedly and never make you work for it. He might be the next man you meet, he might be the twentieth but you won't get to him unless you weed out the unsuitable ones who are blocking his path. When it's true love, it's not supposed to make you feel bad

Original poster
stubbedtoe · 11/05/2021 20:29

Thank you

OP posts:
AntiBlueVelvetStars · 11/05/2021 20:34

Forgive me as I haven’t read the whole thread but wanted to let you know you are not alone. I married one of these commitment phobes and am sorry to say it doesn’t get any easier. Mine was 44 when I met him, prev serious relationship living with someone with a child but although he had no problem saying I love you (3 months in). Every mile stone has been 1 step forwards 1 back. Moving in together, rental property he chose and negotiated the contract for - night before move date he sends me an email saying he feels it would be better if I stay in my shared house but he will move in and pay all the rent/bills. Same buying a house, he chose it and put the offer in, right before completion he says he’s not sure, it’s a lot of debt at his age and maybe we should just stay renting. Proposed but then went very cold and distant over setting a date and participating in plans for the wedding. Fast forward, I am 7 months pregnant post ivf and guess what, he’s not sure if now is the right time for a child. I totally get what you say about it being exhausting being the strong one but you need to ask yourself if he doesn’t change, even with therapy, are you willing to accept that this is how he might be 10 years from now?

allthequeenshorsesandmen · 11/05/2021 20:35

F

Sacredspace · 11/05/2021 20:36

Perhaps stop trying (and failing) to make him a fit for you. There’s no need as there are plenty of men who will already be perfect for you. I suppose it’s like trying to walk in a pair of shoes that aren’t a good fit on you, whilst ignoring all the shoes that fit you perfectly x

WishingHopingThinkingPraying · 11/05/2021 20:37

Nah, he's either got issues or is a jerk. If the former you can be supportive but he needs to sort it out. If the latter you need to sort it out. Telling him to sort it out will tell you which he is.

BanditoShipman · 11/05/2021 20:40

Lucky escape for you op, he sounds like an exhausting man child. Far too much navel gazing!!!

Ignore all the therapy crap, ‘oh he’s terrified of commitment, he’s so scared of loss’ Hmm if he wanted to do these things with you, he would.

wanadu2022 · 11/05/2021 20:41

He's done the kindest thing possible for you. It doesn't seem it now, but no longer will you have to wake up with that dreaded anxiety of where this is going, will he change his mind, what will you have to negotiate today etc.

It does suck meeting someone who has potential and the relationship never living up to it. But you are now free to meet someone who will wants the same things you want, in the same timeframe. Your needs, expectations and feelings DO matter.

Take time to grieve the end of the hope and dream you have. I'm sorry he's done it so callously by text, but maybe easier that you don't see him in person while it's still so raw. He definitely chose the cowards way out by not meeting you face to face though - proving once and for all, how unreliable and ultimately immature he is.

You WILL meet someone much much more compatible!

Kittromney · 11/05/2021 20:42

I made literally the exact same thread on mumsnet 3 years ago, except we’d been together 7 years. There isn’t really a right or wrong here, you’re both right in that you want different things and neither should be forced to compromise.

All I can say is that I eventually made the (very very) difficult choice to leave, and was miserable for a while, but I picked myself up and 3 years later I can only look back with relief. I can see clearly now how unhappy we both were and that although it felt safe at the time, that’s not how relationships should be. I was worried about getting older (I was 27 lol) and not meeting anyone. But 4 months later I met my current partner, we are living together, talking about getting engaged and starting a family.

That said, I have friends in the same boat who stayed, and maybe that was the right decision for them. Only you know what’s right. Follow your gut OP and be be brave.

me4real · 11/05/2021 20:46

He really has done you a favour @stubbedtoe - It mightn't feel like it now but he has. Now block him on everything. That will make you feel better as you did something to have some power in the situation and assert your worth. It will also make it less easy for you to get sucked back in if he decides to pick you up again, then drop you again, etc.

How old are you OP? I know someone said he's 41, but I can't find your post with that, sorry if you've said all this already. If you want little ones then he was even more of a waste of your time.

Either way, get angry. xx

RachelRaven · 11/05/2021 20:47

@AntiBlueVelvetStars

Forgive me as I haven’t read the whole thread but wanted to let you know you are not alone. I married one of these commitment phobes and am sorry to say it doesn’t get any easier. Mine was 44 when I met him, prev serious relationship living with someone with a child but although he had no problem saying I love you (3 months in). Every mile stone has been 1 step forwards 1 back. Moving in together, rental property he chose and negotiated the contract for - night before move date he sends me an email saying he feels it would be better if I stay in my shared house but he will move in and pay all the rent/bills. Same buying a house, he chose it and put the offer in, right before completion he says he’s not sure, it’s a lot of debt at his age and maybe we should just stay renting. Proposed but then went very cold and distant over setting a date and participating in plans for the wedding. Fast forward, I am 7 months pregnant post ivf and guess what, he’s not sure if now is the right time for a child. I totally get what you say about it being exhausting being the strong one but you need to ask yourself if he doesn’t change, even with therapy, are you willing to accept that this is how he might be 10 years from now?
He sounds like a man who is trying to break you. Does he make you feel secure and loved?
Brindisi32 · 11/05/2021 20:51

I'm sorry @stubbedtoe it's so hard receiving that kind of text. You've invested so much of yourself with him. Hang on to the potential positive: his decision has removed the uncertainty. Having your hopes and plans repeatedly thwarted and then being called back for more is awful.

genuinecommitmentphobe · 11/05/2021 20:52

I have been reading posts like the one by @CurlyhairedAssassin and I think basically they are not aware of what it means to be a real commitment phobe.

Before I had children, which I had late, I was a commitement phobe in every aspect of my life possible. So, I rented everything even though it made no economic sense - from car to washing machine to tv. I had a good job which was very stable, yet I could not bring myself to buy a long travel ticket - two weeks was my absolute limit. I attracted men who wanted to save me, and I was called a "siren" as men would fall (they said) helplessly in love and lose themselves on the rocks. And I was nicknamed the runaway bride at work as it happened twice.

It was incredibly painful, for me and those affected, it was defintiely to do with childhood trauma. The one single thing that changed it for me was having dc, and that was because I loved them completely and put their needs before my own, they needed stability and permanence and so that is what I did, no wobbling at all.

So, based on my experiences these could be the key factors for your partner:

  1. Because of his childhood, he literally has no idea what emotional intimacy looks and feels like, and so in relation to this he cannot trust his intuition, he does not know what he is supposed to feel, and he cannot rely on his feelings in this one respect to guide him. This for me was the case until I had dc - I finally realised what emotional intimacy was, it just happened, and I realise now that other people have that with their parents (I didn't) and that other people have it with their partners. Up to that point I had no idea what my friends were talking about when they said I was great at everythng other than relationships and in relation to relationships I hadn't a clue.
  1. I married someone based more on friendship and wanting to have dc together. We are not in love. We will split once dc are older, and if I had the opportunity of a relationship with a man who I was in love with, now I know what it should be like I would know how I felt and what I wanted I would hope I would be normal, but I won't know for sure until I try.
  1. Poor early life experiences means he may not feel it, and it also means he hasn't been taught the rules of treating someone well in relationship, possibly.
  1. It could be linked to trauma - if this is the case then getting this sorted could make a huge difference too. In fact, this is a really key thing. Early life trauma can mean that you become sensitised and you overreact to unfamiliar territory - your brain swings into panic without you knowing why - if this is what is happening, if you found a really good clinical psychologist who specialises in trauma they could talk him through it so that he understands what is happening in his brain. EMDR is a therapy which can hugely help to turn off the panic, apparently. And he could then get to the point where he is able to learn with a decent therapist what emotional intimacy and a relationship should be like, so learn skills and rules other people learn in early life from loving relationships with their parents. If you are going to go down this route and get professional help, make sure you go to a psychiatrist or a clin psych rather than rely on pop psychology on the net or therapists without the high level of expertise.

I do think that what has happened between you both has become a bit toxic now, because you have both hurt each other so many times, leaving each other. If you could progress through as per the above then I think you could reach a stage when you both sit down and talk about it, apologise, and move forward. but at the moment that looks unlikely as he is still not sure where he is at from the sound of it, and all this has changed you a bit - you sound jaded? Would you want to get back to where you were at the start, before he put you through all this?

I feel terribly guilty now when I think about the men I messed around. It wasn't on purpose, but it wasn't great for them.