He hesitated?

[stubbedtoe]

Basically this.

I've been in a classic "commitment phobe" relationship for two years and I finally gave him the "all or nothing" message.

I am not saying he wasn't committed in terms of dating other people and so on, but more in moving forward with major life commitments like moving in or buying a home.

He was always a good boyfriend, but he has an almost phobic reaction to serious commitment because he says in the past it's never worked out and he found it hard to leave so ended up miserable for years.

Initially, when I gave him the ultimatum, I cut off contact and within 36 hours he sent me a message to say he was so sorry, he really loved me, I was the love of his life and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He even proposed and then started suggesting we look at houses together.

Then a couple of days later he seemed to second guess himself and asked for time and space away from each other so he could be sure his decision wasn't a knee-jerk reaction to the idea of losing me :(

I was devastated really by this. I felt a bit like surely you know if you love someone and want to be with them or not?

We are currently in "no contact", but he messaged me after 3 days to ask if I was okay and I didn't respond.

I am really confused here over whether or not I am being a big baby and maybe he is just being reasonable and taking time to think through a major life commitment.

OR

If a man loves you and wants to marry you, he bloody well knows it and doesn't need time and space to think about it.

What do you think? I am really confused over what to do when he comes back to me. He might come back and say he realises I am not the one (in which case no brainer) but if he comes back and says he wants to be with me and move forward, how do I react to that?

I feel a bit injured, ego wise and it's not exactly romantic.

It's ok if it takes you a while to stop thinking about/replaying it all too, though.

But the main thing is to block.

It all just sounds so wanky

He’s all tortured and loves you, but in reality, if he did he wouldn’t have been such a nob and he also wouldn’t have taken this job.

It just feels like you’ve bought into this rubbish. He doesn’t need saving, he just needs to meet the person who is right for him and he’ll commit.

He is/was just stringing you along, sorry 🙁 but it truly shouldn’t be this hard.

Just be careful you don’t accept crumbs when he comes back to you. Commitment phobic people are good at giving you just enough to keep you in the relationship, to make you feel like it’s moving forward when they actually have no intention of following up on promises.

Example- proposing to someone when they have no real intention of going through with a wedding...or sending links to houses when they have no real intention of buying a house with you. As soon as it goes from dream zone to reality zone they tend to find a lot of excuses.

So it keeps you hanging, thinking that you just need to be patient and give them time and then you wake up one morning six years later and realise that they got everything they wanted (a relationship with no firm commitment/responsibilities) and you are still waiting to move on with your life....well this has been my experience anyway

I’m sorry you didn’t get the outcome you wanted. It is for the best, though. He sounds so horribly manipulative the more you’ve described him, I don’t buy the sabotaging thing for one minute, sorry. I see the word narc has been mentioned and as I’ve read through the thread I must admit that’s the word that was slowly coming to mind.

I hate to say it but I think he has deliberately chosen this job that’s further away as the coward’s way out of the relationship. To avoid being the bad guy and being the one to end it. In his head he can blame you now because you’d already told him that it wouldn’t work for you if he moved further away. No doubt he’ll tell friends that YOU were the manipulative one and tried to get him not to take the job. Couldn’t be further from the truth I think. You sound emotionally mature, know what you’ve want from life for you and your child. I don’t think it works the other way round for him.

This really is for the best. You don’t want your child exposed to such a toxic relationship. It would warp their idea of what is a normal, healthy, loving relationship and maybe give THEM issues in their future relationships. As a parent you need to model good adult relationships. This most definitely was NOT that.

Why are you wanting to rush things along,when you can see that your partner is quite hesitant to move at the same pace as you.. He may say that he wants to do the same things as you require, but maybe saying things,just to appease you for the time being.

Years ago,I was going out with my boyfriend for four years,before we started to mention a future together..

If you are going to give this man some kind of ultimatum, this is totally the wrong thing to do.

If you need to ask other people about your relationship then I think you already know the answer. If someone is interested in you & sharing your life/future, you would know. It would not be a mystery.

I would block him now too. Say you are very sorry but you need to move on if he is taking the job. From my own perspective as a commitment phobe, he may keep reaching out to you otherwise. He’s thrown the job bomb in to see if you will finally leave or will you love him too much to let go. Likely another test. If you accept this, he will never commit to anything so you lose out.
When I used to dump guys ( sometimes for quite valid reasons) I would always hope they would run after me and try and win me back, prove their love. The stable ones didn’t and was always a shock to me. Don’t let it become a cat and mouse game. Accept his choice and close off future conversation. He’s had too many chances.

The point is, it's rational to him, but not to you - neither of you is in the wrong, but what you see as p#ss taking lack of respect from his NOT that. He feels forced and is trying to fit into the way you want him to be, rather than being himself. Ive had guys do that to me before and I felt like I couldn't breathe and had to leave. I'm guessing he feels like me and still tried hard to be what you want him to be, which to be honest is him trying but it's horrible trying to be someone you're not to please someone else.

I think ultimately it's that you might just be incompatible and his flip flopping is him trying to be what you want him to be, but it's too at odds with the speed he feels comfortable moving at. We're all different at the end of the day and sometimes those differences are just too much for it to work.

I apologise in advance for not reading 10 pages but I've got the gist of your thread.

The point is you have fallen into the role of a rescuer as psychotherapists would say. You see it as your role to fix this man.
It's not.

He's not for you and maybe anyone.

Clearly he has issues but you are not the person to help him overcome them as you are invested in the relationship.

I see someone mentioned you already had children. If you did not and were mid-late 30s and your bio clock was ticking, would you hang around for a man like this? No, I expect.

He's got issues that he needs to work through but not while he's with you, or any woman.

Please find the strength to move on. Learn how to let go of something that isn't working. You might also benefit from therapy yourself, to discover why you have invested so much time and energy in a man who does not give you what you need.

As others have said, you have almost fallen into the role of Mummy; always being there, always understanding, offering unconditional support and love.

Some men actually like to have to work a bit harder and not feel so secure. You have actually been complicit in this scenario by giving him too much rope. You ought to have had stricter boundaries and cut out the 'come and go as you please' and 'I will accept your moods and issues'.

Over the years you may feel you have been understanding and kind, but equally you have maybe been a doormat. He could through any shitty behaviour at you and you were still there for him.

Truly, I think you would benefit from therapy yourself to understand why you have wasted 3 years on something that was never going anywhere. I don't mean to be unkind, but I do think you need to look at your own responses in this relationship so you never repeat this with other men.

I'm guessing he feels like me and still tried hard to be what you want him to be, which to be honest is him trying but it's horrible trying to be someone you're not to please someone else.

It's not all about him though, I expect he has caused much hurt along the way with relationships ending and at 41 he's old enough to be clearer at the outset and not to embark on something he can't cope with- OP has been very clear with him about what she needs.

I would block him now too. Say you are very sorry but you need to move on if he is taking the job.

@Ladybirdkiss I wouldn't apologize for it.

OP how are you feeling today?

In fairness rainedon he has now taken the definitive step and ended what wasn't a healthy dynamic for either of them, OP was never going to get to that point, her Barr was too low. I've been there and had the exact same done to me and it's excruciating after you think you've done your best to "improve" the person by nurturing them endlessly. Needless to say my ex moved on quickly and is engaged with new baby (he's 50) but I am also happily married , it was absolutely for the best, looking back that rl was a joke, but I'd still be there putting my all in, begging for the minimum and moaning about it if he hasn't have ended it.

OP - I'm so sorry this has happened. However I agree with the posters who think this is for the best. It all sounded exhausting.

Scary how many women have experienced this.
When I was younger and dating my moto was: ‘you either want me or you don’t ‘
What I found the most attractive thing about someone I liked was his enthusiasm for me lol. (I read that somewhere but totally agree).
There are millions of lovely men out there.
But you need to weed out the users.
You deserve better.

My first thoughts are - he's very manipulative, prepared to say anything to make you feel sorry for him. ( Why do you believe him? Have you thought he may be lying about oh so much!)

My second thought - has he got another woman/women? I'd expect so. He's probably spinning similar yarns to all of you.

You are in love with your idealised ,wished for, version which bears no relation to the reality - a lying nasty horror.

Block him. Start to live your life.

You can have a healthy relationship and it still not be the one.

It will hurt for a while but really this was never going to work.

I'm another one who had relationships that weren't right with one person wanting something the other didn't want to join in with, then met dh and it was easy and straightforward from the start. We started off at date one with us both wanting the same things even if we didn't know if it would be with each other.

Stop analysing him. Posting reams of thoughts won't help you. Move forward with your life and learn from this. Relationships should not be like your last one was.

My own DD1, happily settled, had a strict rule when dating: if a man called asking her if he could reschedule a date, she always relied no, but he could cancel. She gave zero second chances!

I was a bit shocked when she told me and asked whether she didn't risk missing out on a lovely guy who just had a family or work emergency. She agreed, but said it was worth it to weed out the uncommitted, unreliable or manipulative ones right at the start. 😳

@NewlyGranny

My own DD1, happily settled, had a strict rule when dating: if a man called asking her if he could reschedule a date, she always relied no, but he could cancel. She gave zero second chances!

I was a bit shocked when she told me and asked whether she didn't risk missing out on a lovely guy who just had a family or work emergency. She agreed, but said it was worth it to weed out the uncommitted, unreliable or manipulative ones right at the start. 😳

I was the same and so is DD. Anyone who wasn't sure, hesitated, that's fine, go and hesitate with someone else, I'm not auditioning for a role as your girlfriend, have nothing to prove to you and don't do the pick me dance.

Read 'He's Just Not That Into You' and 'You Didn't Hear It from Us'.

NewlyGranny - how many men suddenly didn't have to reschedule?

SunshineCake, it was immaterial because by the time they were backtracking, she'd already cancelled. I have enormous respect for her standards, but I can't take the credit for teaching her that tactic. ☺️

Good for her. I hope she has someone lovely now.

I'm sorry things have ended this way OP.

For your sake, and for his, please make sure you send him a message saying: "to be clear, this was absolutely your decision to break this functioning relationship. You and you alone are responsible for the pain you are feeling"

You need that closure so you can't look back and wonder what you could have done differently (nothing)

If he does NOT want to commit end the relationship NOW whilst you are young enough to do so. I speak from experience and 2 children later on my own.