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Original poster

He hesitated?

265 replies

stubbedtoe · 11/05/2021 15:19

Basically this.

I've been in a classic "commitment phobe" relationship for two years and I finally gave him the "all or nothing" message.

I am not saying he wasn't committed in terms of dating other people and so on, but more in moving forward with major life commitments like moving in or buying a home.

He was always a good boyfriend, but he has an almost phobic reaction to serious commitment because he says in the past it's never worked out and he found it hard to leave so ended up miserable for years.

Initially, when I gave him the ultimatum, I cut off contact and within 36 hours he sent me a message to say he was so sorry, he really loved me, I was the love of his life and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He even proposed and then started suggesting we look at houses together.

Then a couple of days later he seemed to second guess himself and asked for time and space away from each other so he could be sure his decision wasn't a knee-jerk reaction to the idea of losing me :(

I was devastated really by this. I felt a bit like surely you know if you love someone and want to be with them or not?

We are currently in "no contact", but he messaged me after 3 days to ask if I was okay and I didn't respond.

I am really confused here over whether or not I am being a big baby and maybe he is just being reasonable and taking time to think through a major life commitment.

OR

If a man loves you and wants to marry you, he bloody well knows it and doesn't need time and space to think about it.

What do you think? I am really confused over what to do when he comes back to me. He might come back and say he realises I am not the one (in which case no brainer) but if he comes back and says he wants to be with me and move forward, how do I react to that?

I feel a bit injured, ego wise and it's not exactly romantic.

OP posts:
Original poster
stubbedtoe · 11/05/2021 19:02

@Gyh863 The fear of stuff like going on holiday and spending more than one night together wasn't about being scared of commitment - you can do all that and not be committed. It's a fear of getting close, loving someone and then experiencing pain. It's pain he is afraid of.

OP posts:
Yawnthisway · 11/05/2021 19:04

Op I’m so sorry. The fustrating thing is he probably would have regrets if you actually ended things when he has decided he actually does want you. But you can’t let him treat you like this. He will always have one foot out of the door.

Depressingly , men who do this will often marry the next partner.

DizzySquirrel90 · 11/05/2021 19:05

OP you sound controlling

Original poster
stubbedtoe · 11/05/2021 19:07

How am I controlling?

OP posts:
gwenneh · 11/05/2021 19:07

[quote stubbedtoe]@Feedingthebirds1 Thank you lovely.

These are words he has heard a hundred times. He knows this, but it's like battling a demon really. Fear does funny things to a person. We can have conversations where I lay it out just like that, but it won't get through because he doesn't really believe he deserves my love and he's waiting for the catch. He has said so many times that he doesn't understand why someone like me loves him, that he's always waiting for the shoe to drop. That he's always waiting for Jeremy Beadle to jump out and tell him it's all a joke and I am gone.

I don't think everyone here necessarily fully understands what it's like dealing with someone who has such a deeply negative outlook on their future.

He says he wants our future, it's his dream, his happy place, he just struggles to picture himself in it because he doesn't have faith that good things work out for him.

His dreadful past relationships were a result of what he feels worthy of (generally toxic and abusive) and that's familiar to him. What we have and the love he gets it's something he says he loves having but feels he hasn't earned.

There is a lot of pain in there, that I've had some success with, but maybe not enough. It's painful and makes me feel like a failure.[/quote]
He doesn't want your future. He wants the idea of your future, all safe and ambiguous and hypothetical. Once you try to make that real, it's work -- he might have to confront his issues and put in the spade work to become a functioning adult, and he's made it clear he has no intention of doing that.

Stay in this relationship if you have time to continue wasting. You're falling prey to the sunken cost fallacy, but at least you can do it with eyes open.

PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat · 11/05/2021 19:07

I am sorry OP but that sounds absolutely exhausting. You have worked harder on a relationship of two years than most have to work on successful marriages of a decade or more. It should not be this hard.

DizzySquirrel90 · 11/05/2021 19:07

And you also sound like you always expect the worst from him,

You get angry, he caves and does what you want....

It's really not healthy. If he wanted that job he should've been able to accept it. Not turn it down because his girlfriend is in a mood.

Nightbear · 11/05/2021 19:08

Do you want children? Are you over 30? If the answer to both is yes then I’d suggest you split up with him for good.

korawick12345 · 11/05/2021 19:10

@PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat

I am sorry OP but that sounds absolutely exhausting. You have worked harder on a relationship of two years than most have to work on successful marriages of a decade or more. It should not be this hard.
Absolutely this. This is the level of work that you might expect to put in to a 15+ year marriage that has hit a rocky patch. The idea that you have been in this relationship for two years and spent a lot of it trying to change things says to me that this is not in any way working for either of you.
Original poster
stubbedtoe · 11/05/2021 19:12

@DizzySquirrel90 it's very easy to say all this, but in reality what options do you have?

Meet a guy and tell him what you want
If he doesn't want it, don't go out with him
If he says he does want it, but then doesn't give it

What?

Let him know you have needs that aren't being met?
Okay, I did that
He said he would meet them and wanted to meet them

He then didn't do it, so what next?
You leave, right?

Right?

That's what I DID!!! A dozen times! He kept begging me to come back and promising he would do it.

That's not me being controlling -it's him being a bit of a twat really. I have been trying to do the right thing. When we didn't appear to want the same things, I tried to leave. When he said it was because he was scared, I tried to be patient and to help him (he says it's helped).

What else was I supposed to actually do?

That's not me being controlling, it's my at least attempting to have standards that the things I want from life aren't things I miss out on but obviously I am crap at it

OP posts:
DizzySquirrel90 · 11/05/2021 19:13

@stubbedtoe Stop going back to him then surely you learnt after the first time?

gwenneh · 11/05/2021 19:14

What else was I supposed to actually do?

Not go back. You can't have standards and cave -- they're mutually exclusive here.

Original poster
stubbedtoe · 11/05/2021 19:15

Going back to him when he begs me makes me controlling?

How?

It makes me an idiot, maybe, but not controlling.

I am happy to accept being an idiot, but I am the least controlling person on the planet. I largely don't give a toss what he does, I just care when it affects my life goals and plans.

OP posts:
Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 11/05/2021 19:17

I think his anxiety is ruining your life, I have been married to someone with anxiety for years and unfortunately it has taken ultimatums to get him to A do stuff and B get therapy

In your case it’s been two years and it’s way more extreme than I’ve experienced or heard of, I just wouldn’t be able to put up with it all. It sounds exhausting

DizzySquirrel90 · 11/05/2021 19:18

I'm just saying if there was none of this breakup and go back, resistance, etc, you sound controlling.

Misty9 · 11/05/2021 19:19

@stubbedtoe it sounds like you've been amazing for him... But what does he bring to your life? How does he enhance your life? You've poured your heart and soul into this relationship it sounds, but where are you in all this?

I ask because it sounds similar to previous relationships I've had, including my exh. I contorted myself and gave so much to try and make it work, that there was nothing left of me at the end. I felt I chivvied exh along at every stage. In hindsight I wish I'd believed I was worth more.

Do you believe you're worth more? What needs of yours are met by this relationship?

DizzySquirrel90 · 11/05/2021 19:20

"I just care when it affects my life goals and plans."

"my" plans. not "our" as a couple? It just sounds slightly like it's your way or the highway.

SeaShoreGalore · 11/05/2021 19:22

It sounds like you spend a hell of a lot more time psychoanalysing him than you do shagging him.

Original poster
stubbedtoe · 11/05/2021 19:23

How does he enhance my life? I'm never happier than with him. He's the best person I know. We're in love.

I wish to God that wasn't the case and I was in love with someone without these issues because I've found it really hard and it's damaging to us.

Everyone keeps saying we are not compatible. I am not sure how anyone could be compatible with this!

I might come across a bit irate here, but this is me at the end of my patience feeling really nervous he's about to dump me.

I have really been patient and relaxed 99% of the time and it's taken a toll on me

OP posts:
litterbird · 11/05/2021 19:24

"I just care when it affects my life goals and plans."

Note you have said "MY" life goal plans....the poor bugger is not mentioned as 'OUR' life goal plans. Your goals and plans that YOU want are not what he wants deep down....he is changing his mind because you are angry and you leave, he doesn't want you to leave he is trying to live his life differently and he has to realise that too and not keep saying things he doesn't mean. You just aren't on the same pathway together. Its time to stop going back and move on.

Original poster
stubbedtoe · 11/05/2021 19:25

@litterbird he says they are, he always has. That's the problem.

OP posts:
OrchestraOfWankery · 11/05/2021 19:27

A 2 year BF/GF relationship shouldn't be 'taking its toll' on you.

As pps say - it sounds more like a 15 year marriage going through a blip

WhyNotNow21 · 11/05/2021 19:30

How curious. Have you both read a book called The Big Leap. It's about how we deliberately self-sabotage our hopes and dreams to bring us back to a 'set level' of happiness that was determined by our childhoods (more often than not). the patterns play out again and again.

To me this is what's playing out here. He is scared of loss, yet the very thing that he is scared of, motivates him to commit further, which then increases his anxiety about losing "yet more" and so the cycle continues.

To me it sounds like he hasn't addressed the real dark side of humanness which is being able to be truly comfortable with being alone and not needing anyone.

When a person reaches this place, they know they will always be fine and can walk away from any relationship and stand on their own two feet. Perhaps the message to him should be that he's survived multiple breaks ups - and if, though hopefully not, you were to break up - he would survive and even come to thrive. A person, a relationship is not the complete you. You are still a single living entity with choices. In a relationship and outside of a relationship.

He sounds like he is afraid of being alone. And yet his behaviours suggest that's what he will end up being. Absolute complete self-fulfilling self-sabotaging prophecy and cycle of doom!

You sound amazing. I'm not sure I could have had the patience to deal with this level of insecurity from someone. We must reach an age at some point in our lives when we take full responsibility for who we are and how we behave and we honor our actions, words, etc.

He sounds just a wee bit immature and has not reached that fully grown stage. It is time to grow up and grow some cajones. :)

I'm not entirely sure I could trust him at this point. It's sad for you because every time he does this, he breaks your trust but for him, he's' always waiting for the other shoe to drop - so much so, that eventually, as he persists with his behaviours, it does and then he can go "told you so".

Nuts. He has serious emotional baggage.

Unless I saw clear actions towards, house together, marriage proposal, dates to try and get pregnant (if this is your dream) I think I would almost certainly shut up the shop now. It's been two years. How much longer does he need?

and how much time do you have to waste?

me4real · 11/05/2021 19:31

I don't think your feelings are 'wrong' @stubbedtoe . It is much nicer for women who desire progression in a relationship to be with someone with the same view of how a relationship should go.

Him going back on it was hurtful.

He is damaging to your self-esteem.

I don't care what his motives are, what matters is the effect on you.

You have an idea of how a relationship and a partner should be and act, and this isn't that.

Every time he doesn't demonstrate love or commitment in the way you (not unreasonably) expect, it hurts you.

Other women might be happy with or want different things, but you are you and that is fine. What you want from a relationship and a partner is not unusual, it is what a lot of women want.

I don't have much experience of it, but a lot of women recommend www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy

blacksax · 11/05/2021 19:31

Crikey, just reading this thread is absolutely doing my head in.

He's testing you over and over, pushing you away to see if you come back, you are having to prove you love him again and again. It's like he wants you to end it once and for all so he can say to himself that he was right all along. And then he can tell you "I told you so".

This is completely toxic. He's on a testing to destruction mission isn't he? If he had two heads I'd bang them together.