Total clusterfuck situation with DH, complicated, anyone in an open /poly relationship please read

[WhereTheFuck]

I've name changed for this awful situation. Been married to DH for 5 years, together 7. We have always had an open relationship with specific parameters including discussing our plans to have sex with others and walking away from any relationship which seemed to be going beyond sex into love. We were both happy with this and I honestly thought we would be married forever. We have a toddler DD and our relationship has suffered a little from the sleepless nights etc, but we always said that it was just a thing that happens with a baby- not a serious issue or so I thought.

We live abroad and can't get back to the UK currently due to covid. So we are far from our family and close friends. We have paid childcare here, which is great but we need it because we both work FT in demanding jobs. It has been difficult lately with all of this going on, but I thought things would get better between us.

On Saturday however, DH dropped the bombshell that he is in love with somebody else. He basically broke the rules of our open relationship by not telling me anything about this woman and continuing to see her for 3 months (they had been talking online for 3 months before that). I was devastated and have hardly eaten or slept since.

The issue is that I really want to stay married to him. I know this sounds weird but because we have an open relationship, i think it might work for us to stay married and for him to still see the OW as well. He is open to this, is keen for the OW and I to meet, which is something we have previously done with other sexual partners, although obviously this time is a bit different!

The thing is that I am not sure if DH really wants to stay married to me even though we have DD together. But I think he just hasn't given our relationship a chance lately. I would like to work on our marriage in the hope that either we will be able to live in a kind of polyamorous situation, or that he will lose interest in the OW and come back to me.

So my question is : how should I proceed? Should we try the unconventional plan i suggested above? Or should I tell DH to leave and go to the OW full time, in the hope that the mundane nature of everyday life will bring him back to earth and he will come back to me and DD?
Thanks in advance!

I am listening to you all. Not mentally strong at the moment but think I am starting to take on board the truth. Meeting H to talk again tomorrow so will update after that. Thanks to everyone who has commented, I do appreciate it a lot

I can't help but feel this is the risk you take with open relationships. Also, what's the point in marriage with this type of set up? It makes a mockery of what vows are supposed to be.

That said, Given how heartbroken you are, makes me think you wasn't cut out for this type of relationship in the first place.

Get out OP, find someone who loves you and doesn't need other women.

I agree. I realise of course that some people want to be free to sleep around, but in which case why get married ? Marriage is a commitment to one person.

@WhereTheFuck

The post by @Dervel is a tough & uncompromising read but she is spot on.

This isn't about a poly relationship which is facing a challenge & potentially a new shape or form in future. This is about an entitled male who thinks he can have what he wants, when he wants it, from whichever female he wants it.

I wouldn't be surprised if his attitude to his daughter isn't fabulous as she grows up. Men like this don't see females as autonomous agents, they see them only in relation to themselves & their needs & wishes.

Put your daughter first. Good luck.

So sorry OP. This must be devastating for you. Good luck for tomorrow (later today). Just make sure you identify and make clear your needs and wants in this situation.

Your needs count here.

for you.

I am so sorry he's done this to you and your daughter, OP.

Don't let him spin this as a poly thing. It's not. It's plain old-fashioned lying and cheating.

The poster who said this had it right:

This isn't about a poly relationship which is facing a challenge & potentially a new shape or form in future. This is about an entitled male who thinks he can have what he wants, when he wants it, from whichever female he wants it.

Lucky, lucky, lucky DH. It's all gone very well for him, hasn't it?

OP, what are you getting out of this arrangement? How is your husband working on your marriage when he gets to 'try out' his new relationship, safe in the knowledge you'll be waiting with open arms if it's not to his liking? (And you'll still be having sex with him, I presume, because you'll want to compare favourably with the OW.)

I expect your husband is very good at talking and explaining things, and making it all seem like perfect sense at the time. He was probably very persuasive when you had your discussion.

But... take yourself out of the picture. Go back and reread what you have written as objectively as you can. Pretend it is your best friend who is in this situation. Would you be telling your best friend to stay with such a man? Do you think your friend would deserve more from this arrangement? If your daughter were old enough to understand what had happened, what messages do you think she would be absorbing?

Really, I as a PP said, I think you need to find your anger. Right now you seem willing to do anything to keep this guy. You need to start seeing him for who he truly is.

I have also agreed to meet OW this weekend with DH to discuss what it will all look like.

You need to find some self-respect and dignity...quick.

I may sound old-fashioned but living in an open marriage or polyamorous whatever bullsh!t really doesn't sound that exciting TBH and I am willing to bet that this was all his idea.

Your DH is calling all the shots here and he has different women worshipping at his altar making his ego rocket off the scale.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to call him up this morning and rip him a new one and tell him it is over. That is the only way he will see sense if he is going to.

P.s. This is NO way to bring up a child. IT sounds like your DH is some leader of some wacko cult.

@WhereTheFuck

I am listening to you all. Not mentally strong at the moment but think I am starting to take on board the truth. Meeting H to talk again tomorrow so will update after that. Thanks to everyone who has commented, I do appreciate it a lot

What do you think talking will achieve? I suspect his sole purpose will be to grind you down into accommodating his ongoing self infatuation and not so hidden agenda to establish a harem

You will feel a lot better if you told him to shove his “meeting” up his arse where his own head seemingly already resides.

Instead of meeting him see a solicitor. Put yourself and your daughter first.

Here is what he gets out of the arrangement

• He saves money on having to rent his own place
• He saves the money/ hassle of a divorce
• He gets to live with the woman he loves
• He gets to build up a new life free free from you and you daughter
• He gets to contract out care of his child to you
• He gets free accommodation (your place) during his custody visits

-He gets to have sex with you

• He gets you being pleasing to him as you compete for his affection and attention

Here's what you get

• Literally can't think of anything positive that you get out of this.

I think what you will get is

• Being the primary carer of his child

- Not being able to build up an independent life like he can = The slow erosion of yourself.

I am sure he will try really hard to be so lovely to you and to persuade you this is best for you and your daughter. Don't listen to him. He has so much to gain from this, of course he is highly motivated to be persuasive. And don't let him try to blackmail you with what's best for your daughter. Read @Derval's post to remind you of that. If he wants what is best for your daughter, but he didn't want to remain married, he could have moved to his own place for when he had custody of your daughter. He chose not to and that is on him and not on you. He doesn't get to move to a new life whilst you remain living a half life in the shadow of your former marriage.

My earlier post was a bit harsh so my apologies for any offence or upset, though I do stand by the substance of what I said.

What I am going to say next I hope you find a little kinder, but what I am struck by is the speed at which your DH wants to lock you in to some sort of arrangement.

He’s had 6 months to prep this, presumably he went through all of the phases of checking out of your marriage, reflecting and deciding what he wanted and how best to go about securing this. Meanwhile you were not afforded to basic respect or dignity to do the same.

Right now the bottom has fallen out of your world and you are having to juggle this emotional maelstrom, a demanding job AND your toddler. This is no time to be rushed into big decisions about what the future may hold and certainly not things like meeting his mistress.

The basic reality is he betrayed you and lied. If he has any lingering respect/affection for you he shouldn’t be rushing anything, he should be giving you time to process all this. He’s not, he’s using his intimate knowledge of you from the last several years to get exactly what he wants and damn the consequences for you, your daughter and ultimately probably the other woman.

The reason monogamy has developed is primarily to create a strong pair bond for the purpose of bringing children into the world and raising them. Looking after children takes a tremendous amount of resources, and not just financially (though I suspect if you are both in demanding jobs abroad you are reasonably affluent), there are emotional and time resources required to parent well. Even if your DH meets his financial responsibilities I completely fail to see how he’s going to be able to maintain his high demanding job, his relationship with you and your daughter AND this new woman (especially if she’s looking to have children herself someday) without something giving somewhere. I think he does have a plan however, but it’s going to require everyone BUT him to make any form of compromise whatsoever.

Take some time OP, you shouldn’t be railroaded into anything that will serve to break you down and diminish you. The consequences of that would be dire for both you and your daughter. Tell him you need time and space to process all of this. That is by no means unreasonable on your part.

IT sounds like your DH is some leader of some wacko cult
I agree he's building himself a harem so that he can feel like a king, next he'll need to create some eunuchs to guard his harem

OP, you have power in this. Don't forget that. Regrdless of poly of whatever other bollocks he's spinning to get his own way, your OH has a child with you and he can't just float off and leave you with all the drudge.

Think about what YOU want, and take your time to think about what that is. Don't forget he's been lying to for months. .

Do not meet the OW there is nothing but pain for you in doing that.

OP, when you look at Boris Johnson and Marina Wheeler, do you see a successful polyamourous couple, or a wife turning a blind eye to her husband’s affairs in order to hang onto him, until he takes up with a younger woman who lays down the law and makes him leave his wife for her?

Have a hard think about the parallels here. And what BJ’s children think of him.

@whycantwegoonasthree can I just say your set up sounds a bit unconventional by my married with 2 kids standards, but it sounds like you are surrounded by love and warmth in your life, and that to me seems like a wonderful thing. Your happiness jumps out of the page when reading your posts.

@WhereTheFuck do you think you can find yourself in the position where you are confident in yourself, your husband and your relationship? Do you think he will be there when you are vulnerable? Can you get past the fact that he lied to you? You are allowed to demand what you want and need from a relationship, and if he isn't giving you that, then you can bin him. Know your worth, recognise your own value, and think carefully about whether he deserves you or not.

@WhereTheFuck
If it were me, I'd be very cautious about meeting DH's new partner.
You mention that, understandably, you're not in a strong mental state just now, and this will be a difficult meeting for you, which you are unlikely to leave unscathed.

What do you think the new partner's attitude will be? It's unlikely to be focused on you and your child's needs, surely it will be about her asserting her own new dominant position?

So why put yourself through something that will hurt you, and highlight your vulnerability? Take some time to gather your strength together, then decide if meeting her is to your own advantage.

I can't help feeling that this meeting has been engineered by your husband in order to stroke his own ego. He has had months to mentally prepare for this situation, while you have had only days, so don't be pressured into any quick decisions, and meeting OW would certain put you under pressure.

*OP, when you look at Boris Johnson and Marina Wheeler, do you see a successful polyamourous couple, or a wife turning a blind eye to her husband’s affairs in order to hang onto him, until he takes up with a younger woman who lays down the law and makes him leave his wife for her?

Have a hard think about the parallels here. And what BJ’s children think of him.*

This is a really good way to consider it; because it'll feel more "removed" from you and your situation.

I can absolutely understand the desire to try and hold this together, to try and keep your family together and hold on to the husband that you love... but he's made his call, and he's throwing you scraps and hoping that you are so desperate to hold on to him that you'll accept them.

It'll be hard, and painful at times, but moving on is the best thing to do here, for you and your DD.

Tbh setting a boundary that you are allowed to sleep with other people but have to stop before you fall in love is a recipe for disaster.

I know people do it, including some of my friends, but I have never ever seen it work out well. Someone always loses out in the end.

It is so complicated to get people genuinely on the same page with polyamory/ open relationships. And sometimes people think they won't fall in love or will be able to somehow "stop" that from happening, but the truth is that once you have been that intimate with someone you will often start to care for them. And it spirals from there. It's what we are wired for as humans.

[quote AdaColeman]@WhereTheFuck
If it were me, I'd be very cautious about meeting DH's new partner.
You mention that, understandably, you're not in a strong mental state just now, and this will be a difficult meeting for you, which you are unlikely to leave unscathed.

What do you think the new partner's attitude will be? It's unlikely to be focused on you and your child's needs, surely it will be about her asserting her own new dominant position?

So why put yourself through something that will hurt you, and highlight your vulnerability? Take some time to gather your strength together, then decide if meeting her is to your own advantage.

I can't help feeling that this meeting has been engineered by your husband in order to stroke his own ego. He has had months to mentally prepare for this situation, while you have had only days, so don't be pressured into any quick decisions, and meeting OW would certain put you under pressure.

[/quote]
I agree with all of this. I think meeting his new partner will only hurt you. You are reeling from a huge blow and betrayal. You are very vulnerable now in all sorts of ways.

Take time to think this through and what is best for the person you want to be, how you want to feel about yourself, the way you want other people to treat you, and the life you want to have.

Update - very positive conversation with H last night. I made it clear that he has made this choice and that is it - no rebuilding the marriage. I am meeting him and OW tomorrow, but I genuinely want to do so because I feel it will give me closure. And most importantly, although I have to stay here for another year because of my work contract, I have made a plan to return to the UK next year with DD, which has made me feel so much better about the situation.

I think that seems like a good outcome for you and your daughter if you don't think he'll contest.

You seem weirdly calm though for someone whose marriage has just broken down. Are you ok?

I don't know, but agree that I am strangely calm... It makes a nice change from shaking and being on the point of tears constantly, which was the state I was in until I accepted that the marriage was almost certainly over I think. Not sure if it is another phase but I'm taking it a day at a time

Glad you're feeling calmer - even if it's just for a bit. Hope you get some sleep tonight.

I'd still strongly recommend considering just meeting her without your husband. I think it will be more enlightening (for both you and her) and a million times less awkward. You can even just tell him to fuck off when you arrive - and that you want to talk to OW alone.

If you do decide to meet them both, as planned, then give some thought to what he/they are hoping to achieve through this meeting...

Is he hoping you'll all be terrific chums and thereafter everything will be easy for him? Is he hoping you'll form a thruple? Does he want to prove the OW will actually be fine to meet your DD?

What are his motives? Has he said? I really think it's important to try and figure that out so you're prepared for it.

Either way, I hope you get the closure that you're looking for – just don't expect too much of yourself. Or feel that you have to be ok/cool/fine when you meet them. They have hurt you, lied to you and treated you abysmally - and you don't need to hide that.

And be kind to yourself too in the meantime. Sleep, nice food, anything that make you feel better – do them all.

I really hope you're ok. x

The speed at which this is happening is jaw dropping. You went from finding out that your husband is in love with someone else, him then moving in with her, to meeting him with OW in 7 days.

7 days...

That’s the kind of pace that might have been ok as a teenager, but now? Married, kids, living & working overseas? Who on Earth have you married???

Please tell someone you trust, start talking, you are going through something very traumatic at high speed, which is totally out of your control. Find someone who cares and will listen.

Agree with Blackbird2020 100%.
Take a pause OP. Work out what you want. X