Total clusterfuck situation with DH, complicated, anyone in an open /poly relationship please read

[WhereTheFuck]

I've name changed for this awful situation. Been married to DH for 5 years, together 7. We have always had an open relationship with specific parameters including discussing our plans to have sex with others and walking away from any relationship which seemed to be going beyond sex into love. We were both happy with this and I honestly thought we would be married forever. We have a toddler DD and our relationship has suffered a little from the sleepless nights etc, but we always said that it was just a thing that happens with a baby- not a serious issue or so I thought.

We live abroad and can't get back to the UK currently due to covid. So we are far from our family and close friends. We have paid childcare here, which is great but we need it because we both work FT in demanding jobs. It has been difficult lately with all of this going on, but I thought things would get better between us.

On Saturday however, DH dropped the bombshell that he is in love with somebody else. He basically broke the rules of our open relationship by not telling me anything about this woman and continuing to see her for 3 months (they had been talking online for 3 months before that). I was devastated and have hardly eaten or slept since.

The issue is that I really want to stay married to him. I know this sounds weird but because we have an open relationship, i think it might work for us to stay married and for him to still see the OW as well. He is open to this, is keen for the OW and I to meet, which is something we have previously done with other sexual partners, although obviously this time is a bit different!

The thing is that I am not sure if DH really wants to stay married to me even though we have DD together. But I think he just hasn't given our relationship a chance lately. I would like to work on our marriage in the hope that either we will be able to live in a kind of polyamorous situation, or that he will lose interest in the OW and come back to me.

So my question is : how should I proceed? Should we try the unconventional plan i suggested above? Or should I tell DH to leave and go to the OW full time, in the hope that the mundane nature of everyday life will bring him back to earth and he will come back to me and DD?
Thanks in advance!

When someone has free reign to sleep with other people and they still manage to betray you, go behind your back and go back on their word, they are never to be trusted again. Not because of the poly thing, it's a red herring as others have said. I'm sure poly can work if people stick to the rules, but he didn't. He either likes her so much that he's effectively choosing her or he gets off on having secret relationships outside of those you know about. Either way it's going to end up breaking your heart.

Is she poly? Does she actually want a poly relationship or is it just that you and her both want him and are both doing whatever it takes to not lose him?

Spoiler alert - he's not worth it.

Wow so not only are going to play the pick me game, you’re going to play it while he has a bit of a layaway with her.

He’s done a proper number on you to make you think you’re totally in control here hasn’t he? Clever little liar.

OP please pick your self respect up off the floor. You cannot possibly go along with the arrangement you have outlined in your update. Why on earth are you meeting the OW? Why are you letting him play happy families with you on his terms? Let him see his daughter of course but you're not a family anymore so he doesn't get to do it in the family home.

@Changechangychange

How are you envisioning this working? You do all the cooking, cleaning, and care of your child while he is out having fun with the love of his life, and occasionally he pops home, plays with DD and lets you fuck him, before he goes back to his proper girlfriend who he really loves?

Or you form a triad - him and her as the lived up couple, and you as the boring old wifey who facilitates their carefree relationship?

I really think this is just prolonging the inevitable, OP. There is no way he can combine genuinely “working on his marriage” with “shiny new sexy girlfriend on the side”.

Ok, so you have gone with option 1.

This is not going to end well OP. It’s not a “trial separation from you”, it’s a “trial moving in with the new girlfriend”. He is keeping you on the hook as a fallback if things don’t work out with OW.

Sorry op but he’s doing you over and you’re letting him.
‘Trial separation and working on you’ meaning making it as easy as possible for him to leave without you making problems for him and the new missus.

Go see a solicitor, get everything sorted for you and little one else in a few months guaranteed your ‘dh’ will be advising you he wants to make things permanent with the new ow and now needs money and no longer wants to be married....
sorry op.

OP, are you doing this because you feel blindsided and kind of a bit of a mug for agreeing to the open relationship thing in the first place? (Not because they can't work, but because it has allowed him to break the rules and find someone else).

If so, please don't shackle yourself to this man.

He would have found a way to cheat, no matter what - he just isn't the man you deserve. There are lots of other women on these boards who didn't see their partner's affair coming - you are blameless in this. And it is an affair, because he broke your rules.

Of course you love him and are in shock. But this really isn't ok.

So he’s left the family and is now staying with the OW

How is this still open / poly? Surely if it was truly open / poly, EVEN if he was in love with the OW (and you were OK with it) the kids would come first, and the OW would be slowly introduced as the 3rd partner, who daddy loves very much too...

He’s just leaving you. In a way that makes him feel less bad. He’s using the open relationship like a sleight of hand card trick. It will eventually get very messy and then he’ll say you couldn’t handle it, that it was your choice to leave. Don’t you see this?

So he gets to have his cake and eat it.

I really don't understand why some women are happy to let men walk all over them like this.

I think it might work for us to stay married and for him to still see the OW as well. He is open to this, is keen for the OW and I to meet, which is something we have previously done with other sexual partners

Please don't contemplate this. It'll mess up your DD, for a start (I have direct experience of this).

It looks as though your husband is sick of having a family. It is so so so typical of male behaviour when they realise they are no longer centre of everything - because small children.

For what it's worth OP, I'm happily poly and definitely pro ethical non-monogamy, but the more I think about it even I think this proposal of your husband's is BS of the highest order and is neither ethical nor fair on you a as bd your DD.

And I can't see how you will manage proper co-parenting with him living with his new partner. They're only three months in, it's way to soon to be introducing a new person into your child's life, particularly in such ill-defined circumstances. And you've said yourself you don't want that.

So unless he's going to get a place of his own, where he can parent properly and independently, he'll only be doing visits and occasional babysitting. Which mean you don't get to establish your independent life in the way he is intending to.

I'm all for constructing your relationships in the way that works for everyone concerned, but this doesn't seem to be that from what you've said here.

Oh OP. You deserve better than this crap.

Wow, just wow. Ok you made your decision for you, and I wish you all the best, but I feel bitterly sorry for your daughter as she is basically going to grow up in a world where women exist primarily to service men and their desires and wants.

Now either this goes one of two ways: either she rebels against this state of affairs and figures out all of this smoke and mirrors for the bullshit that it is, but be prepared for a compromised relationship with her as an adult as she will see you as the woman who comprised herself and her daughter to please a man. The other outcome is worse, which is the one where she carries on the family tradition and gets used by the future men in her life, and slowly driving herself insane trying to work out what’s wrong with her. Hint: nothing at all, but given criticising men will be off the table for her she’ll be internalising it as a fault within herself.

Thing is the ONLY way you can sell this whole dysfunctional arrangement to your precious daughter is by gaslighting of the highest order. Your husband broke faith and trust, and not only is he facing zero consequences he is actually being REWARDED and incentivised for having done it. I get you are deep in the process of telling yourself sweet deceptions to salvage something from this mess, but please don’t pass those onto your daughter. To hell with her father for even making this outcome a possibility.

@WhereTheFuck

We have agreed on a trial separation, with DH living with OW and coming over to look after DD regularly and also with the two of us spending time together, both with DD and alone. I feel happy with this for now as it enables us to work on our marriage and our family as well as him having his relationship with OW. I have also agreed to meet OW this weekend with DH to discuss what it will all look like. I accept that many posters on here will think I am an idiot but I am at peace with the decision I have made. We will review after three months and see where we go from here.

No, don't work on your marriage. Cut him loose.

This isn't going to end well and I guarantee you are going to be the one who comes off worst. I know you are secretly hoping he will change his mind and come back to you but he won't. If it doesn't work with OW then he will do the same with someone else again and again and again. The whole time you will be doing the pick me dance and bending yourself into a pretzel.

Please put yourself at centre stage and decide what is best for you and your daughter. If you're honest with yourself, I am fairly certain that being a doormat to this bloke doesn't feature.

What exactly is there to work on, the man is a thrill seeking waste??

Dear god OP.

Not a shred of integrity or emotional maturity in him. None. I hope to God you wake up and value yourself, truly I do.

🙏

Apologies if I've missed this, but are you certain that the OW is interested in a poly relationship? I'm assuming she's had an affair with a man who told her he was in an open relationship and was hoping he'd leave his wife for her. Now that he's announced he's in love with her, I cannot imagine she's likely to agree to continue in a three way relationship.

In her eyes I suspect she expects him to end his marriage and move in with her. I can't see in any of this that you've given any weight to her decision. It's seemed to be about what you and your husband will agree upon as a way forward, but if she tells him she's not continuing unless he ends his marriage then your wishes won't really count. I don't think she's interested in him working on his relationship with you.

@WhereTheFuck

We have agreed on a trial separation, with DH living with OW and coming over to look after DD regularly and also with the two of us spending time together, both with DD and alone. I feel happy with this for now as it enables us to work on our marriage and our family as well as him having his relationship with OW. I have also agreed to meet OW this weekend with DH to discuss what it will all look like. I accept that many posters on here will think I am an idiot but I am at peace with the decision I have made. We will review after three months and see where we go from here.

So that means having sex with both of you while you eat your heart out

Stop allowing this feckless individual to paint you into corners and use the fact you feel the need to be too cool for school and have a child together as some sort of pawn to facilitate him having an entire cake shop and eating it

@whycantwegoonasthree

For what it's worth OP, I'm happily poly and definitely pro ethical non-monogamy, but the more I think about it even I think this proposal of your husband's is BS of the highest order and is neither ethical nor fair on you a as bd your DD.

And I can't see how you will manage proper co-parenting with him living with his new partner. They're only three months in, it's way to soon to be introducing a new person into your child's life, particularly in such ill-defined circumstances. And you've said yourself you don't want that.

So unless he's going to get a place of his own, where he can parent properly and independently, he'll only be doing visits and occasional babysitting. Which mean you don't get to establish your independent life in the way he is intending to.

I'm all for constructing your relationships in the way that works for everyone concerned, but this doesn't seem to be that from what you've said here.

All. all of this.

@WhereTheFuck

Yes, I don't plan for DD to be introduced to OW at all during this period

You have zero control over this. He's her father and it's entirely up to him. He's already demonstrated he doesn't give a shiny shit about your feelings so I'm not sure why you think you have any power over this.

He really has done a number on you. If a man moves in with another woman HE IS IN LOVE WITH, he's not working on his marriage, he's left it.

Do you have anyone irl to talk to about this? A counselor?

He seems rather caculating and manipulative.

So my question is : how should I proceed? Should we try the unconventional plan i suggested above?

The thing is you aren't in control of what's tried or isn't tried- he is.

Or should I tell DH to leave and go to the OW full time

I think it'd help your self-esteem to do that, to be the one that draws the line.

in the hope that the mundane nature of everyday life will bring him back to earth and he will come back to me and DD?

Try not to keep hanging on to that hope (I know that's easy to say.) It's no way to live waiting in the hope that he changes his mind and comes back.

If he's like this he'd only 'fall in love' with someone else later on down the line, anyway. He's not committed to your relationship.

Don't let him use you for sex either, even if he calls it 'polyamory' or whatever. That'd just be to prolong your pain. I've been in unconventional relationships but you know what I mean- if you let him shag you in the evening sometimes and then he goes home to his primary partner, when you want to be the one who's his wife/life partner.

He's not interested in 'working on your marriage'- he's in love with someone else.

Draw a line under your relationship with this untrustworthy man and move on.

It'll take time to heal, but you will. x

Have you fucked any other men or is it just him doing exactly what he wants?

I would let this Prince know that he's made his choice and shut the door firmly behind him.

I reckon he didn't tell you about this because he enjoyed the clandestine nature of his relationship with other woman. He'll miss that aspect of it far more than anything else, and you'll find him crying on your doorstep to be allowed beck in a month or two.

I agree with the first sentence and a half of this but not necessarily the second. #2 doesn't have a child with him (yet) so no need for him to change nappies etc. Unless OP makes way more amazing dinners than #2, I think he will live with #2 for now whilst popping back to OP's house to be Disney dad and ride OP now and then to give his cock a change of scenery. And also audition #3 clandestine girlfriend to give his golden cock more awaydays. If #2 has been fed the same stuff as #1, she might have a child with him...then if he gets bored with that he can always move in with #3 and suggest that OP and #2 can take their children to the ski park together to happily poly family teach each other ski jumps while he shags #3, mentally scores her homemade lasagne against OP and #2, and wonders who to fuck next.

I couldn't bear the fact that he's going to be saying to the new woman that he feels sorry for OP, would break up with her if they didn't have a kid together, he loves new woman but is SUCH a good guy he can't leave OP etc.

This is going to erode and eventually annihilate your self esteem OP.

You don't want this, you are considering it so you don't 'lose' him. But the him you don't want to lose (a partner who loves and respects you enough to be honest with you) is already gone.

Please don't squash all your boundaries, expectations and self esteem for a half life with a wanker who had an open relationship and still lied to you about who he was shagging.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Your DH has broken his side of your contract. Much as you think you might be able to handle this you would have to be beyond human to do so. You are expecting so much of yourself. In the meantime he actually has the best of both worlds. There is no reason for him to change.

He needs to lose you. If he wants to trial the OW then he needs to step in with both feet and commit to that choice. He needs to lose what he has with you. No half measures. And if it doesn’t work out for him and he wants to come back, that needs to be your decision, not his.

Do not wait around for this man putting your life on hold.

Find your strength OP.

Wishing you well