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Original poster

Total clusterfuck situation with DH, complicated, anyone in an open /poly relationship please read

262 replies

WhereTheFuck · 10/05/2021 15:05

I've name changed for this awful situation. Been married to DH for 5 years, together 7. We have always had an open relationship with specific parameters including discussing our plans to have sex with others and walking away from any relationship which seemed to be going beyond sex into love. We were both happy with this and I honestly thought we would be married forever. We have a toddler DD and our relationship has suffered a little from the sleepless nights etc, but we always said that it was just a thing that happens with a baby- not a serious issue or so I thought.

We live abroad and can't get back to the UK currently due to covid. So we are far from our family and close friends. We have paid childcare here, which is great but we need it because we both work FT in demanding jobs. It has been difficult lately with all of this going on, but I thought things would get better between us.

On Saturday however, DH dropped the bombshell that he is in love with somebody else. He basically broke the rules of our open relationship by not telling me anything about this woman and continuing to see her for 3 months (they had been talking online for 3 months before that). I was devastated and have hardly eaten or slept since.

The issue is that I really want to stay married to him. I know this sounds weird but because we have an open relationship, i think it might work for us to stay married and for him to still see the OW as well. He is open to this, is keen for the OW and I to meet, which is something we have previously done with other sexual partners, although obviously this time is a bit different!

The thing is that I am not sure if DH really wants to stay married to me even though we have DD together. But I think he just hasn't given our relationship a chance lately. I would like to work on our marriage in the hope that either we will be able to live in a kind of polyamorous situation, or that he will lose interest in the OW and come back to me.

So my question is : how should I proceed? Should we try the unconventional plan i suggested above? Or should I tell DH to leave and go to the OW full time, in the hope that the mundane nature of everyday life will bring him back to earth and he will come back to me and DD?
Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
MishMashMummy · 14/05/2021 08:16

I think you have to look after yourself here OP. Poly relationships work when there is total honesty and transparency, and all parties are getting their needs met. Not only has your husband seriously breached your trust, you are now proposing a solution which isn’t what you want and which will cause you pain. He is unlikely to retreat from the OW when he is getting exactly what he wants - the continuation of his home life, with something exciting on the side. And even if he leaves the OW, will you be able to continue in an open marriage with someone you know his happy both to lie and to become emotionally involved with someone else?

For me, this would be the end. I think the relationship is doomed anyway, and you would be happier making a clean break instead of putting yourself through the painful process of sharing him with someone he is in love with first.

PermanentTemporary · 14/05/2021 08:22

I'm really glad you are feeling much calmer and have identified what you want in the next steps.

Just to say that Marina Wheeler is no victim and by all accounts has always had her own entertainments and good for her. I have always thought she probably threw Johnson out rather than him leaving her. So she's a good role model in that sense.

CovidSmart · 14/05/2021 08:34

@WhereTheFuck

Update - very positive conversation with H last night. I made it clear that he has made this choice and that is it - no rebuilding the marriage. I am meeting him and OW tomorrow, but I genuinely want to do so because I feel it will give me closure. And most importantly, although I have to stay here for another year because of my work contract, I have made a plan to return to the UK next year with DD, which has made me feel so much better about the situation.
Please, go and see a sollicitor ASAP about you going back to the U.K. with dd.

The country you are living in is her habitual residence and your (ex?) DH might well be able to stop you from coming back. You really need some legal advice there.

CovidSmart · 14/05/2021 08:41

Btw the fact that you are now feeling so calm is the sign you have made the right decision for you.
Yes it was a hard one but I think deep down you knew how much compromising as he was asking you to do would take out on you and how much it was going against what you wanted/believed in.

This man broke the relationship and the trust it was built on. Remember this was his choice to do so, always.

TinyGlassOwl · 14/05/2021 08:52

OP, you may be calm but I actually feel quite panicky for you. You need legal advice and you need it fast.

I really hope this all works out for you but I have a nasty feeling that this highly manipulative, selfish and deceitful man is going to be calling the shots over your life for a long time to come.

Please do not let him stomp over any more of your boundaries.

ElphabaTWitch · 14/05/2021 08:58

Nope. One of you will do this again.....and again.....and again.... don’t show your dd that it’s ever ok to be treated like a second class citizen. Have some self respect.

RoSEbuds6 · 14/05/2021 09:14

@TinyGlassOwl

OP, you may be calm but I actually feel quite panicky for you. You need legal advice and you need it fast.

I really hope this all works out for you but I have a nasty feeling that this highly manipulative, selfish and deceitful man is going to be calling the shots over your life for a long time to come.

Please do not let him stomp over any more of your boundaries.

Yes I’m worried about that too. Speak to a family lawyer for advice.
Soontobe60 · 14/05/2021 09:20

What’s the point of being married if you’re going to have sex with other people?
I just don’t get the whole ‘poly’ thing. If you want sex with other people, don’t get married and just use sex workers instead. The fact that one of the couple has now fallen for another person is absolutely no surprise. They’re doing the most intimate thing they can do with another person - how else is it going to end?

pondfrog · 14/05/2021 09:45

HI OP,

Brilliant that you have told him he's made his choice and its over. You have real strength to get to that decision so quickly.

As others have said you really need to speak to a solicitor about the legal situation re. returning with your daughter to the UK. I moved with my H from one country of the UK to another and when my marriage broke down shortly after the move, I was told by a solicitor that as the law was different in the UK country we moved from, me taking our children back there would count as child abduction and could go badly for me in a custody case. The solicitor did say that as I had not lived in the new country long, however, that might go in my favour.
So, depending on how long you have been in the country, it may be in your interests to move sooner than later. You really do need legal advice on this.
Personally, I would be trying to move back sooner rather than later. I would rather face the consequences of breaking the contract than becoming established in the new situation. Or could you do the job remotely from the UK and just travel back for key meetings?

You need to speak to a solicitor ASAP and make decisions about all this ASAP.

ArcheryAnnie · 14/05/2021 09:48

WhereTheFuck I just wanted to say, I think you have handled yourself really well over this, in the face of some horrible bullshit and lying from your DH. You get to take whatever time you need to make decisions about what's best for you and your DD.

I do this this suggestion:

I'd still strongly recommend considering just meeting her without your husband. I think it will be more enlightening (for both you and her) and a million times less awkward

is a really good one. I speak from personal experience. My ex lied to us both, and manipulated us against each other. Once we met in person, without him, we found a great deal of common ground, and were able to move on from there, knowing something closer to the truth than the utter bollocks that my ex had been feeding us both.

Branleuse · 14/05/2021 09:51

@Soontobe60

What’s the point of being married if you’re going to have sex with other people? I just don’t get the whole ‘poly’ thing. If you want sex with other people, don’t get married and just use sex workers instead. The fact that one of the couple has now fallen for another person is absolutely no surprise. They’re doing the most intimate thing they can do with another person - how else is it going to end?
wtf?
MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 14/05/2021 10:11

@pondfrog

HI OP,

Brilliant that you have told him he's made his choice and its over. You have real strength to get to that decision so quickly.

As others have said you really need to speak to a solicitor about the legal situation re. returning with your daughter to the UK. I moved with my H from one country of the UK to another and when my marriage broke down shortly after the move, I was told by a solicitor that as the law was different in the UK country we moved from, me taking our children back there would count as child abduction and could go badly for me in a custody case. The solicitor did say that as I had not lived in the new country long, however, that might go in my favour.
So, depending on how long you have been in the country, it may be in your interests to move sooner than later. You really do need legal advice on this.
Personally, I would be trying to move back sooner rather than later. I would rather face the consequences of breaking the contract than becoming established in the new situation. Or could you do the job remotely from the UK and just travel back for key meetings?

You need to speak to a solicitor ASAP and make decisions about all this ASAP.

This!

Don't assume you can move back with your DD uncontested.

In fact, if you can legally do so, you'd probably be better off doing it ASAP while he is in agreement and feeling guilty.

In a year's time who knows what the situation will be and he may well prevent that happening

wewereliars · 14/05/2021 10:24

This is a real issue OP in a year's time he's more likely to object. You are much more likely to be able to leave the country with your daughter without problems from him now.

pondfrog · 14/05/2021 10:27

Yes, I'm not a lawyer, but I would have thought the longer you are settled into this new arrangement of being separated and him having access, and the older your daughter gets and her relationship with her father develops, the more you will be seen as the one seeking to disrupt that by moving.

And the longer he has to settle into his new relationship, so that if they decide they want to stay in the country you all currently live in, he may oppose fiercely you seeking to take your daughter to the UK.

You really do need to seek advice now.

Zancah · 14/05/2021 10:35

Thanks for you Op.

My tuppence worth is for you to be aware that he may just come crawling back. Is his new woman fully versed on his preferences or is she going to throw a shit fit the first time he suggests sleeping around? He may soon realise what he had with you, if his new piece starts making his poly life very difficult.
My bet is that it'll be when you'll have just started to move on too.

whycantwegoonasthree · 15/05/2021 12:56

Hi OP - just checking in. Are you ok? Xx

RainyMayDay · 15/05/2021 15:41

As previous posters have said please get yourself legal advice and emotional support. Leave if you can while he is feeling guilty and absorbed with his new relationship. My friend managed to get her DH to agree to all sorts of things when he thought he was deeply in love with someone else. He was so infatuated that he wasn’t thinking rationally at all and didn’t get any legal advice because he and OW were ‘happy to live in a tent as long as they could be together’. He didn’t want anything.

Needless to say after a year, and the OW realising he was bringing nothing to their relationship but himself, the novelty wore off and their relationship broke down. Tent and all.

By then the divorce had been finalised.

MrsExpo · 15/05/2021 16:01

I'm interested to know whether he plans to have the same arrangements for his sex life when he's with OW full time. You need to split up. He wants to be be with her, not you.

selfieelf · 15/05/2021 16:11

My friend went through this exact scenario. She chose to stay but asked him to leave the other woman and now they're back to having an open relationship the way they were before.

But she's deeply insecure.

Cheating is the same in any kind of relationship. He broke the trust. It's hard enough to come back from that when the second relationship is ended and no "other women" are involved again but add to that the fact that there's a very real chance this could happen again as he's meeting and sleeping with other women... I don't know, I'd say it's impossible to come back from that.

Unless you're both happy to close the relationship and have just the two of you which I expect isn't what you want.

selfieelf · 15/05/2021 16:14

I also just recalled a time when I thought I'd try the whole open relationship thing. It was very nee and we weren't married or anything.
I didn't mind him sleeping with other women at all and made that very clear. But he still lied about it and did it behind my back because he was a cheat. I think cheats get off on the lies and deceit so even when they can sleep with other women, they still need the thrill of going behind your back

selfieelf · 15/05/2021 16:21

Oh I just read your updates. So your moving form open relationship to polyamory. This would mean he'd have to love you too as well as her. Is that what he saying? That he still loves you?

whycantwegoonasthree · 15/05/2021 17:04

@selfieelf

Oh I just read your updates. So your moving form open relationship to polyamory. This would mean he'd have to love you too as well as her. Is that what he saying? That he still loves you?
Where did you get that from?! I think she's told him it's over...
selfieelf · 15/05/2021 17:07

Oh I must have missed that one. Apologies

Changechangychange · 15/05/2021 17:08

I thought he told her it was over, actually...

daisychain01 · 15/05/2021 17:25

All these snazzy cool words like polyamory (not enough eye-rolls for that one), mean fuck-all, and just cloud the issue and the facts.

The man's a cheat and the relationship is a busted flush, however one tries to sugar-coat it.

The sooner people can see the writing on the wall and know how to recognise they're wasting their life on a dead-end arrangement that will make them miserable and lonely, the better.