Total clusterfuck situation with DH, complicated, anyone in an open /poly relationship please read

[WhereTheFuck]

I've name changed for this awful situation. Been married to DH for 5 years, together 7. We have always had an open relationship with specific parameters including discussing our plans to have sex with others and walking away from any relationship which seemed to be going beyond sex into love. We were both happy with this and I honestly thought we would be married forever. We have a toddler DD and our relationship has suffered a little from the sleepless nights etc, but we always said that it was just a thing that happens with a baby- not a serious issue or so I thought.

We live abroad and can't get back to the UK currently due to covid. So we are far from our family and close friends. We have paid childcare here, which is great but we need it because we both work FT in demanding jobs. It has been difficult lately with all of this going on, but I thought things would get better between us.

On Saturday however, DH dropped the bombshell that he is in love with somebody else. He basically broke the rules of our open relationship by not telling me anything about this woman and continuing to see her for 3 months (they had been talking online for 3 months before that). I was devastated and have hardly eaten or slept since.

The issue is that I really want to stay married to him. I know this sounds weird but because we have an open relationship, i think it might work for us to stay married and for him to still see the OW as well. He is open to this, is keen for the OW and I to meet, which is something we have previously done with other sexual partners, although obviously this time is a bit different!

The thing is that I am not sure if DH really wants to stay married to me even though we have DD together. But I think he just hasn't given our relationship a chance lately. I would like to work on our marriage in the hope that either we will be able to live in a kind of polyamorous situation, or that he will lose interest in the OW and come back to me.

So my question is : how should I proceed? Should we try the unconventional plan i suggested above? Or should I tell DH to leave and go to the OW full time, in the hope that the mundane nature of everyday life will bring him back to earth and he will come back to me and DD?
Thanks in advance!

Even though you ‘allow’ him to meet and have sex with other women, he has still managed to cheat on you

This is not some modern type of relationship you are hoping to develop. This is a tired old tale of a woman whose husband has fallen for someone else and now she is desperately doing the 'pick me dance.'

Exactly my thoughts. Personally I think you would be better off finding someone who isn't a thirsty, duplicitous wanker.

He's cheated on you: he's snuck around behind your back, lied to you, and broken all the rules you both agreed to.

You can't trust him... and without trust ... do you really want that marriage?

I would play the long game to get back to the UK. You don’t say where you are in the world but I’d be worried that if you split you would not be able to return to the UK with your child if he wants to remain abroad with her. So I would do/say whatever it took to get home (assuming you want to live in the UK).

@Dsisproblem

Agree with others, I think the poly thing is separate. He broke the pretty flexible rules and boundaries you both set. Regardless of whether you are happy with an open relationship, he still went behind your back. Would you be able to trust him again?

Agree with this. The poly part of your relationship is sort of unrelated. This is bog standard cheating and worse in many ways as he wasn't actually limited in sexual experiences. Sorry op.

You might have an open marriage, but he still violated the terms of that marriage by going behind your back with this lady.

Do you really want to stay with someone you don't trust, who has admitted he's in love with someone else?

Regardless of the type of open relationship you thought you had with him, he has still managed to go behind your back. If you accept this, you’ll need to accept it will happen again. He can shift the goalposts any time he likes.

He is a liar and a cheat. Bloody hell, he had permission to have sex with other and still managed to cheat !

You are better off without him.

Wow why on earth would you want him back? He's not going to stay just because you have a child together. He loves someone else. He's not yours anymore. Just be dignified and let him go.

I think I’d fear for your mental health if this man ‘allows’ you to keep seeing him whilst he’s with his new girlfriend. I’ve got a saying. The second I become an option, don’t pick me.

You can still 'cheat' in a non-monogamous relationship if you go outside the agreed parameters of the relationship.

You had a clearly defined relationship, with some clear rules. I don't necessarily think rules are never up for renegotiation, but he hasn't been open and honest with you. He needed to be - he cannot force you into a different model of non-monogamy, and more than someone who cheats in a monogamous relationship can then force their partner into a non-monogamous one to 'save' the relationship.

As with any infidelity, it is up to you to decide how you want to proceed, and whether you think it's possible to rebuild the trust that has been lost. I would suggest that his pursuing a relationship with this woman before this work is done is probably not advisable. Esther Perel's book State of Affairs has a good chapter on ENM which you might find useful :-)

I agree with Authenticcelestialmusic

What happens if you split and he won't allow you to bring the children back? I might play along with it until I could find a job and a home in the UK. I'd sell the idea to him, get settled then file for divorce.

My other thought is this, if he so loves this other woman, so much so that he has deceived you, would he allow her to fuck other men? I'd be asking him this.

So you have set your own ‘rules’ and they have still been broken. This must be really hurtful for you but if he loves her and kept her secret, it’s not an open sex arrangement. Does she know about you and your dd?

Honestly this won’t work. I get the open marriage but only when there’s no feelings involved but you will constantly be comparing yourself to her and wondering when he’s going to leave you.
Regardless of your relationship and what you do he has broken your trust. Having an affair or whatever is one thing but falling in LOVE is something I couldn’t ever get over.
Why not just be friends? What’s keeping you both together if you sleep with other people, surely it would be similar situation if you were just friends.

The fact your relationship is polyamorous is a red herring. You agreed the parameters of your relationship and he’s rode roughshod over them. I think it’s time to step away

Another vote to not do the pick me dance

Depends on what you want... if you want to remain married then leave it be. He may say he loves her... but it’s only three months and you’ve probably a bit of the 7 year relationship itch. It’s difficult to predict if he will remain in love with her or not, no one can tell you what will happen in the future.

What you can do is work out what you want for you and your DS future.

I suppose you can reassess if a three way relationships works or you’re being left behind. You’ll only know with time.

But if your husband has ‘checked out’ it might be difficult to get him to ‘check in’ again. Try couples counselling.

In in an open relationship, and I’d be seeking a divorce in your situation. It’s the duplicity and deceit which is a big problem; but additionally and hugely, the fact that your agreement was always to never put yourselves in situations where you could fall in love with somebody else. I believe it’s possible to love more than one person at a time; but you don’t seem to and if that’s something you’ve always felt strongly that you couldn’t accept, then it really isn’t going to work you trying to make yourself be fine with it after the fact because it’s happened. Don’t try to make yourself do it just to keep him.

@littleburn

He's cheated on you in exactly the same way that a DH in a 'monogamous' marriage would - gone behind your back, broken your trust and lied to you. Given that, I would say the options are you leave him/he leaves you, or he leaves her and the two of you try to rebuild your relationship.

This ^

The poly side is almost irrelevant here. He's cheated.

What does he want next? Because if he's half-way out of the door, whatever you want isn't going to make much of a difference...

I'd agree that your options are that one of you leaves; or that he leaves her, and you try to rebuild, and take into account whether that remains a poly relationship. If it does, you'll probably need to consider how you'll trust him to stick to the rules this time, and how it'll work from now on.

I am very sorry. It's clear how much you want things to work out... but I think pushing past this and hoping he comes back to you would be a massive mistake. You're betting on him getting bored of someone that he has risked everything with you for, and then coming back to you and not repeating the behaviour. That's only going to end in tears, and they're very likely to be yours.

Thanks all. Food for thought here. I think you're right about what I should do tbh

Most people who are married have someone who loves them and who wants to be with just them. Why would you settle for anything less than this? Why don't you think you are worth it? You know in your heart that you deserve nothing less.

A rule that involves "walking away from any relationship which seemed to be going beyond sex into love" is playing with fire, and in my opinion, this is something that is unlikely to work. When you're out there seeing other people in an open situation like this it's inevitable that one person is going to find someone they're really attracted to, and end up falling for them. Although an affair can happen in any marriage, an open marriage is pretty much the ideal setup for an affair to happen. Your DH has cheated, lied, broken the "rules" and gone behind your back. Unfortunately in any kind of unconventional relationship going forward, you'll be second best.

It sounds like he wants his cake and eat it.

So he wants you to stay, look after his dd, do the cooking and cleaning and all the wife work. But at the same time, he wants the OW on the side. And not just another sexual partner but someone he loves. Even though he is breaking the rules you agreed on.

I have to say, going back to ‘normal’ when he has clearly breached your trust will be hard.
Carrying on as if everything was fine isn’t going to work. I suspect you will feel more and more sidelined until you won’t exist as a partner for him.

I would go and see a lawyer to see what would be the situation if you get divorced. Will you have to stay in the country where you are? Would you be able to get back to the U.K.?
Plan your exit route, even if you end up never actually using it.

Tbh, an open relationship is just a green light to keep having affairs. It’s inevitable that one of these affairs is likely to become serious and lead to the end of the marriage.

I've been in a relationship such as this before (certainly not a marriage). It was exciting, exhilarating, the sort of relationship in which we delighted in pushing boundaries and exploring new things. But I always knew the risk was as above.

I took that risk on the same sort of basis as that old maxim 'never gamble with anything you can't afford to lose'. I never really loved him: the relationship was almost purely based around sex (and not altogether healthy for reasons which had nothing to do with sex whatsoever, and for which I eventually left). Looking back honesty, there were reasons why it was very hard to break from an entanglement with this man and there was a large part of me that actively hoped he would fall in love with someone else.

That's the sort of game you're playing in open relationships OP. It's a very big risk, and I'm sorry you've been burned. You can see from the above message that I'm open minded and far from a prude, but it's not a game I'd be willing to play on any terms again. Don't let this man erode your self-esteem. His confession is pretty final and although it's sad for you now you are going to have to let him go.

Some great comments here and some downright nasty ones

Whether we choose to live like one another or not, at least either listen and help or scroll on. There’s no need to add a comment just to fling shot at someone already hurting!

@WhereTheFuck
I agree with those who say that the open relationship thing is muddying the waters here, he lied. He’s cheated and he’s betrayed your marriage.

That’s the issue.

Have YOU had your share of the benefits of open relationship? Or is it just him? Did he suggest this?

He has cheated on you, he’s lied without any other reason than to hurt you.

That’s the unforgivable bit of this.

I’m so sorry. I bet you thought you had an insurance policy, but he’s not kept up with the premiums

Call time on this. It hasn't worked. He went looking for this. You are devastated.

You are massively over valuing this marriage in my opinion.