Total clusterfuck situation with DH, complicated, anyone in an open /poly relationship please read

[WhereTheFuck]

I've name changed for this awful situation. Been married to DH for 5 years, together 7. We have always had an open relationship with specific parameters including discussing our plans to have sex with others and walking away from any relationship which seemed to be going beyond sex into love. We were both happy with this and I honestly thought we would be married forever. We have a toddler DD and our relationship has suffered a little from the sleepless nights etc, but we always said that it was just a thing that happens with a baby- not a serious issue or so I thought.

We live abroad and can't get back to the UK currently due to covid. So we are far from our family and close friends. We have paid childcare here, which is great but we need it because we both work FT in demanding jobs. It has been difficult lately with all of this going on, but I thought things would get better between us.

On Saturday however, DH dropped the bombshell that he is in love with somebody else. He basically broke the rules of our open relationship by not telling me anything about this woman and continuing to see her for 3 months (they had been talking online for 3 months before that). I was devastated and have hardly eaten or slept since.

The issue is that I really want to stay married to him. I know this sounds weird but because we have an open relationship, i think it might work for us to stay married and for him to still see the OW as well. He is open to this, is keen for the OW and I to meet, which is something we have previously done with other sexual partners, although obviously this time is a bit different!

The thing is that I am not sure if DH really wants to stay married to me even though we have DD together. But I think he just hasn't given our relationship a chance lately. I would like to work on our marriage in the hope that either we will be able to live in a kind of polyamorous situation, or that he will lose interest in the OW and come back to me.

So my question is : how should I proceed? Should we try the unconventional plan i suggested above? Or should I tell DH to leave and go to the OW full time, in the hope that the mundane nature of everyday life will bring him back to earth and he will come back to me and DD?
Thanks in advance!

What will success look like to you OP?

If you are genuinely and proactively happy for him to be in love and in a relationship with this OW, then maybe it could work.

However, if it feels like a compromise choice for you, as it is the only way to still be married to him. Or if you are having to stuff down deep any feelings of sadness or jealousy, then I can't say 'don't continue with this relationship' after the trial loud enough or often enough. It will make you unhappy and you deserve so much more.

I would have thought that, for it to work, you would have to feel at least on an equal with his OW, and if he has moved out to be with her, its hard to see that as the case. I personally find it hard to see how he can seriously be working on his marriage to you when he has moved out to be with what appears to be his preferred choice. He hasn't moved out to make your marriage work, after all, he's moved out to be with her. I don't know much about polyamorous relationships but this does not in any way look like a healthy dynamic from which to rebuild your marriage.

Whatever happens, make a decision on your preferred choice, not a compromise choice, or 'better than nothing' choice but your active best life choice.

ps And be cynical. If you don't get divorced he won't have to go through the expense of a divorce and he won't have a custody battle. He is probably making these practical calculations. I've heard apparently really nice men making these cynical calculations about their marriages. Don't give over your life for someone else's practicality.

So, he just intends making a collection......erm, if he's working on his marriage and first relationship he should at least be living under the same roof as your child. What is so special about this man OP?

You are being relogated to the ex he shags, second choice, fall back option. He isn't working at his marriage he's having a trial live in with his new woman. Lucky him few women would agree to that. He wasn't honest about meeting this woman why do you think he's being honest about his intentions now?

@whycantwegoonasthree

Onlyinyourdreams

I don't think you're actually interested in having your opinion changed, nor am I about to subject my children, or my partner's, my boyfriend's or my girlfriend's children to the pit of vipers that is MN.

So you'll have to take my word for it that all ten of them, ranging in age from 7 to 22, all 100% aware of the various dynamics, seem and state that they're quite comfortable with it. And there are benefits – extra 'siblings' that they can have fun with but don't have to share a house with, more fun during school holidays, and more adults who take an interest in them and are on hand to help with stuff.

Some examples:

My DP has arranged a work placement at his company for my GF's son. My DPs son taught my eldest daughter how to do jumps on skis. My boyfriend's DD and my eldest DD are similar ages and close friends who share a love of silly outfits and TikTok dance routines and who complain if they don't get to see each other enough. My youngest and my BFs youngest share a love of Studio Ghibli films. My DPs daughter has a dog that my children adore and so they walk him with her regularly. (Because mummy is too mean to get them a puppy of their own, obvs.)

As for who is having sex with who, I don't think they give a toss.

What they see, mostly, is a bunch of adults who love each other and support each other in a variety of ways, and who love them and support them in a variety of ways.

For me, it's this, much, much more than the sex, which is the thing I love most about they way we're doing things.

But I've been here before on MN, and I'm sure you'll disbelieve everything I've just told you in favour of your own version anyway. I'm just leaving this here for the record, and so that your sweeping assumption didn't go unchallenged.

As if a 7 year old can state they aren't happy with what their parents are doing.

It's extremely difficult for children to state they aren't happy with something their parents are doing, especially if the parents are very keen to carry on.

Poly relationships just sound like a massive headache and more like a performative hobby than a relationship.

I have no idea why anyone would opt for an open marriage, the terms are mutually exclusive. . I also suspect that a lot of women are pushed into it and agree to be the "cool girl" . Just my opinion.

Putting on the Kitch - well I assure you a 13 year old can.

Or an 16 year old. Or a 22 year old. They ask questions. We answer them. They have opinions, we respect them.

My youngest quite likes the idea of poly, my eldest thinks it would be too much work... They both understand the reasons I prefer it and respect that. They like my partners and their kids - they've told me as much. And they're more than happy to let me know when I do or say stuff they don't like. We argue about religion regularly, for example.

The seven year old has never known any different, is well taken care of, loved and supported in a very stable household - why would he be unhappy?

It's no more a 'hobby' than having a wide and active friendship group really...

But then if you don't like the sound of it, then I suggest you don't do it. It's not compulsory… I would just request that you consider keeping your unfounded assumptions to yourself? Because they're not actually informed by any actual knowledge of the people concerned are they.

Live and let live, eh?

@whycantwegoonasthree

Putting on the Kitch - well I assure you a 13 year old can.

Or an 16 year old. Or a 22 year old. They ask questions. We answer them. They have opinions, we respect them.

My youngest quite likes the idea of poly, my eldest thinks it would be too much work... They both understand the reasons I prefer it and respect that. They like my partners and their kids - they've told me as much. And they're more than happy to let me know when I do or say stuff they don't like. We argue about religion regularly, for example.

The seven year old has never known any different, is well taken care of, loved and supported in a very stable household - why would he be unhappy?

It's no more a 'hobby' than having a wide and active friendship group really...

But then if you don't like the sound of it, then I suggest you don't do it. It's not compulsory… I would just request that you consider keeping your unfounded assumptions to yourself? Because they're not actually informed by any actual knowledge of the people concerned are they.

Live and let live, eh?

I'll post what I like on an internet forum, thanks.

Secondly, you seem to not understand the power dynamics between parents and children and how keen most children are to not upset their parents and instead tell them what they want to hear. You can't compare it to a differing opinion about religion. What choices do they actually have to not like it?

@shrewsigh

What will success look like to you OP?

If you are genuinely and proactively happy for him to be in love and in a relationship with this OW, then maybe it could work.

However, if it feels like a compromise choice for you, as it is the only way to still be married to him. Or if you are having to stuff down deep any feelings of sadness or jealousy, then I can't say 'don't continue with this relationship' after the trial loud enough or often enough. It will make you unhappy and you deserve so much more.

I would have thought that, for it to work, you would have to feel at least on an equal with his OW, and if he has moved out to be with her, its hard to see that as the case. I personally find it hard to see how he can seriously be working on his marriage to you when he has moved out to be with what appears to be his preferred choice. He hasn't moved out to make your marriage work, after all, he's moved out to be with her. I don't know much about polyamorous relationships but this does not in any way look like a healthy dynamic from which to rebuild your marriage.

Whatever happens, make a decision on your preferred choice, not a compromise choice, or 'better than nothing' choice but your active best life choice.

I agree with this – and I'm concerned because I'm reading a lot about what he wants and not a lot about what you want. And that you'll be getting the raw end of the deal here in all kinds of ways.

It may be that's not the case - and to be fair you haven't said much.

But please don't be a passenger. This is also an opportunity for you to work out what kind of relationship you want and what kind of person or people you want it with. And while you do that, make sure you're secure, practically, financially and with regard to your daughter. Get what support you can – especially someone IRL that you can talk all this through with and who isn't your husband. You need people in your corner.

Don't take anything for granted including how well you expect your husband to behave going forward. Plan for the worst and hope for the best, maybe.

Addendum - I'd be inclined to ask to meet this woman on your own to have an open chat. I can't imagine many useful insights will come to light for either of you with your husband in the middle of it.

@PuttingOnTheKitsch - you won't get anywhere with whycantwegoonasthree they have posted about their relationship history quite extensively on mumsnet.

Traditional marriage is enough of a challenge, yet people think this poly/open marriage bollox with their "rules" is really going to work? This is a disaster in the making which could be seen a million miles off. Now there's a child involved. FGS.

PuttingOnTheKitsch

I'm aware this is futile, as you're quite content in your assumptions.

But, in an effort not to let the unfounded go unchallenged…

I do understand about power dynamics between parents and kids - and I know my own kids. They're perfectly able, and frequently do, share their opinions on any number of things I do. The poly thing has been carefully navigated, and their interactions with my partners taken at their pace and only at their volition.

If they didn't like it, their choices are not to see or spend time with my partners, who I would then only see in the 50% time they spend with their dad. This has been offered to them as an option, and rejected. By them.

I can tell you they're secure, and happy, and well loved and suuported, and that the fact that I have other people in my life aside from my partner (who I share a house with c. half the time) causes them no issue whatsoever.

Maybe you could explain why you think it would?

[quote korawick12345]@PuttingOnTheKitsch - you won't get anywhere with whycantwegoonasthree they have posted about their relationship history quite extensively on mumsnet.[/quote]
Either you've got a very long memory, or you've searched! I've no idea why people care so much about other people's choices that don't affect them. I'm not here to criticise monogamy…

For clarity – this thread actually has very little to do with poly as it turns out, and a lot to do with good old fashioned cheating.

I think the poly thing is a red herring. He cheated on you. Broke your agreement, didn't tell you.

How could you have an open relationship without honesty?

Yea, I bet he doesn't fancy divorce - too expensive for him.
Well he's not going to reconnect on the basis of realising what he's lost, because he will never know what it's like to miss you or his family, he still has that on tap. His new GF must be a special person to put up with his plan.
This only helps you if he's quite happy to come over and look after your DD while you can go out and meet other men/man also. If he's not up for that, he's not so open as he claims and it's one rule for you and another for him.
I hope you find the time to fall for someone more suitable - maybe even try monogamy with someone for a change. I'm all for freedom to be, but only when it doesn't affect DC's.

Give him a little push to increase his leaning. FWIW, I reckon he didn't tell you about this because he enjoyed the clandestine nature of his relationship with other woman. He'll miss that aspect of it far more than anything else, and you'll find him crying on your doorstep to be allowed beck in a month or two.

By then, you'll have seen that he'll always be a cheating scumbag and won't be interested. Polyamorously or otherwise.

Good luck OP.

@Aquamarine1029

Traditional marriage is enough of a challenge, yet people think this poly/open marriage bollox with their "rules" is really going to work? This is a disaster in the making which could be seen a million miles off. Now there's a child involved. FGS.

As many people have said, the open marriage is a red herring. The OP’s situation now would very probably have been the case regardless of whether her marriage was open or not, because her DH has cheated. Given that he’s gone behind her back and cheated now, it’s very probable he’d have gone behind her back and cheated if they were monogamous. As to “and there’s a child involved FGS” - almost half of marriages end in divorce anyway (and an even higher proportion of unmarried relationships.) The children of these relationships end up living in single parent households. Unless you make a habit of making women whose marriages break down generally feel bad for their children and that if only they’d done X/Y/Z to avoid their marriage ending they wouldn’t be putting their children in this position, it’s really not acceptable to do so here. It’s just putting the boot into somebody who is already hurting.

i have to say, I don't really get what the handwringing about children in poly households is about. Do people think that the parents and their partners are just having constant orgies or something? Ultimately, it's just children going up in a more communal environment, rather than a nuclear family one - and I know some people would think that the latter is the only way to do it, but I don't think that that is necessarily the case...

Relationship breakdowns are always difficult on children, but they happen. Monogamous or otherwise, for lots and lots of different reasons. The fact that OP did not have a 'traditional' marriage is neither here nor there and I'm not really sure why people are throwing blame around at her and dragging her 'poor child' into it. It's not helpful.

Surely when people, in a committed relationship, sleep around regularly with other people, they are massively increasing the risk of the primary relationship hitting the skids. It 's like playing with matches in a firework factory. Some may make it work but the odds have to be stacked against. I can't believe any kids are happy with this either, especially when they get old enough to know how "niche" this kind of arrangement is.

What a shitshow

im not against open marriages or poly arrangements, but I think its quite a big step down, with what you had, to what youre going along with now.
I feel like youll be doing the pick me dance, and also I dont think youll be having the opportunity to find what hes now got. Youve drawn the short straw in all of this, and I think you deserve better

I hope this works out for you OP. I agree with a previous poster that you are not saying all that much about what you want here - it all seems to be about what he wants. A few questions to consider I guess:

Are you going to keep sleeping with your DH? Do you want to?

Do you now consider yourself free to form a deeper romantic attachment to a new partner, should you so desire to.

Childcare shouldn’t all fall to you. I know he will be coming over to spend time with the child - but what about over nights for example, so that you can be free to explore new relationships if you wish to? Would he come and look after your child at your house? (Which is a bit limiting of your options - means you can never bring a new partner back, or not for quite a long time). Or will he have your child at the OW’s? And if so how do you feel about that?

These were my initial thoughts.

I dont think it will be long before you find your anger OP

OP, this update has made me feel so sad.

So how is this meeting with his new partner going to go? Will he and her arrive together and you will have to arrive alone to meet them, the new loved-up couple, with her the clear victor in all this?

And how will you feel having to get the agreement of his new partner, the winner, as to how often she will allow you to see your own own husband? This is humiliation. Your subordinate position in this new arrangement could not be clearer.

This is not a poly arrangement. This is not a man trying to make his marriage work. This is a man who has moved from his wife to his former mistress who is now his new partner. If he was trying to make a poly arrangement work he would be still living with you, you would be talking through his lies and betrayal, he would be strengthening your relationship whilst you both slowly moved to a true poly arrangement.
This is a cheating man who mustn't believe his luck as to how well this is all working out for him.

All the balls are in his court. You have nothing in yours. Other than access to his child and perhaps NSA sex.