Total clusterfuck situation with DH, complicated, anyone in an open /poly relationship please read

[WhereTheFuck]

I've name changed for this awful situation. Been married to DH for 5 years, together 7. We have always had an open relationship with specific parameters including discussing our plans to have sex with others and walking away from any relationship which seemed to be going beyond sex into love. We were both happy with this and I honestly thought we would be married forever. We have a toddler DD and our relationship has suffered a little from the sleepless nights etc, but we always said that it was just a thing that happens with a baby- not a serious issue or so I thought.

We live abroad and can't get back to the UK currently due to covid. So we are far from our family and close friends. We have paid childcare here, which is great but we need it because we both work FT in demanding jobs. It has been difficult lately with all of this going on, but I thought things would get better between us.

On Saturday however, DH dropped the bombshell that he is in love with somebody else. He basically broke the rules of our open relationship by not telling me anything about this woman and continuing to see her for 3 months (they had been talking online for 3 months before that). I was devastated and have hardly eaten or slept since.

The issue is that I really want to stay married to him. I know this sounds weird but because we have an open relationship, i think it might work for us to stay married and for him to still see the OW as well. He is open to this, is keen for the OW and I to meet, which is something we have previously done with other sexual partners, although obviously this time is a bit different!

The thing is that I am not sure if DH really wants to stay married to me even though we have DD together. But I think he just hasn't given our relationship a chance lately. I would like to work on our marriage in the hope that either we will be able to live in a kind of polyamorous situation, or that he will lose interest in the OW and come back to me.

So my question is : how should I proceed? Should we try the unconventional plan i suggested above? Or should I tell DH to leave and go to the OW full time, in the hope that the mundane nature of everyday life will bring him back to earth and he will come back to me and DD?
Thanks in advance!

Fuck that, 'leaning towards OW' kick the cheating fucker out, honestly he is not worth it.

wishfuldreamer - it is possible to have a 'V' relationship, where one hinge partner has two partners, without each of those partners being romantically or sexually involved. i would say, in general, this is my experience of polyam people. Triads are the popular visual of polyamory, but they don't seem to be the common reality.

It's interesting that any time I have seen or heard of this set up, it is one man and two or more women, not the other way around.

Men seem far less able to 'share' with another man.

I think you're comment about being demoted to secondary is her marriage isn't surprising, but I think misunderstands some of the foundational ideas of polyamory. I definitely made that comment. Not because I don't undertsand the concept of polyamory but because of what the OP says in her post - that her DH doesn't seem invested in their relationship, isn't putting any effort into staying married to her now he is in love with someone else.

If his version of polyamory was sustainable then OP wouldn't have been broadsided by his OW!

We are going to talk about it tonight

Use today constructively to gather and copy as much financial information about him as possible, including any pensions. This will be useful during your divorce.

Be prepared to make financial demands for his support of your child etc, so work out a budget for yourself & child. If he has any hint of guilt about abandoning his child, exploit it, though he doesn't really sound the guilty type.

Start to take control of your own destiny, you will feel so much better.

Betrayal is betrayal. The thing is though, with polyamory it was never wise to marry him because ppl can fall in love with other ppl if they are sleeping with them.

But this isnt a case of that though tbf. The guy had a fell blown emotional affair and then cheated on you behind you back.

Trust is so important in relationships. I'd imagine, even more so in polygamous ones. But this man is not to be trusted.

Hi OP thanks for the update. I'm genuinely sorry things have gone south for you the way they have. I'd probably just say that everything is very raw right now, and the thermo-nuclear option doesn't have to be the only one. Contrary to all the clamouring on here to LTB, and set divorce proceedings in motion etc. I'd say you have a lot of talking to do and to make sure you've explored all your options. Give yourself time. Both of you. This is all very raw and you both run the risk of making huge life-altering decisions in the heat of high emotion.

I hope he is at least taking responsibility and ownership for the breach of trust – you can only really move forward in any direction once that has happened.

I do think it's sensible to make sure you're abreast of all your legal and financial options though, whatever decision you end up making.

I'd also say you seem very much to be in a passive role on this - "he's leaning towards" etc. So taking some power back about what happens next, and thinking hard about what you want, and advocating for that is important. Do you want to divorce? Is this particular third person a deal-breaker for you? Can you forgive him and trust him again?

@Mulletsaremisunderstood

wishfuldreamer - it is possible to have a 'V' relationship, where one hinge partner has two partners, without each of those partners being romantically or sexually involved. i would say, in general, this is my experience of polyam people. Triads are the popular visual of polyamory, but they don't seem to be the common reality.

It's interesting that any time I have seen or heard of this set up, it is one man and two or more women, not the other way around.

Men seem far less able to 'share' with another man.

That's just not the case - this gender divide simply doesn't exist in the poly communities I'm part of. You'll find as many MFM as FMF dynamics. (In my own experience, rather more poly women with monogamous men than the other way around actually.)

I know that doesn't fit the accepted narrative, but it's true.

@whycantwegoonasthree

Hi OP thanks for the update. I'm genuinely sorry things have gone south for you the way they have. I'd probably just say that everything is very raw right now, and the thermo-nuclear option doesn't have to be the only one. Contrary to all the clamouring on here to LTB, and set divorce proceedings in motion etc. I'd say you have a lot of talking to do and to make sure you've explored all your options. Give yourself time. Both of you. This is all very raw and you both run the risk of making huge life-altering decisions in the heat of high emotion.

I hope he is at least taking responsibility and ownership for the breach of trust – you can only really move forward in any direction once that has happened.

I do think it's sensible to make sure you're abreast of all your legal and financial options though, whatever decision you end up making.

I'd also say you seem very much to be in a passive role on this - "he's leaning towards" etc. So taking some power back about what happens next, and thinking hard about what you want, and advocating for that is important. Do you want to divorce? Is this particular third person a deal-breaker for you? Can you forgive him and trust him again?

I think the problem here is he has put her in the weaker position. Because he lied, he is the one who gets to choose between two women who want him, and to stay with him she needs to change the terms of the relationship into something they had previously agreed 'rules' to prevent. And that breaking that rule devastated OP to not being able to eat or sleep. Its not that they had not considered their partners might fall in love with someone else, as you previously described in a relationship you had, but they had considered it and set rules to prevent it.

Its OPs decision of course, but all this suggests that for OP to stay with him, if he would even accept being with her, would not be 'refreshing and revising' their previous agreement but rather making OP complicit in her own humiliation.

@Mulletsaremisunderstood

wishfuldreamer - it is possible to have a 'V' relationship, where one hinge partner has two partners, without each of those partners being romantically or sexually involved. i would say, in general, this is my experience of polyam people. Triads are the popular visual of polyamory, but they don't seem to be the common reality.

It's interesting that any time I have seen or heard of this set up, it is one man and two or more women, not the other way around.

Men seem far less able to 'share' with another man.

I agree with @whycantwegoonasthree - this has not been my experience of poly relationships. I have two (male) partners, who have other female partners who also have other partners (of a variety of gender identities...).

Triads (or quads or more) are very complicated relationship models - particularly where it is an existing couple looking to 'add a third', and there is often a lot of problematic behaviour here, particularly misogynistic 'one penis policies' where the man is able to entertain the idea of his female partner getting it on with other woman, but not other men (becuase she might find a better penis...).

But parallel poly - where people have multiple relationships in parallel - are much more common. i know a lot of poly people, and i would say a tiny minority are in triads. the only one I know of that lasted any substantial period of time imploded for reasons involving the man in question being an utter sexist arsehole. but, in general, the men i know who engage in poly 'properly' are enlightened, progressive men, who have had to do a lot of thinking about their own role and power in society as men, and the ideas of ownership and possession that are implicit in a lot of our social norms.

For what it's worth, I dont really like the idea of 'sharing' someone. It implies, still, a sense of possession. that I'm 'letting' someone 'borrow' my boyfriend. My partners' other partners have their own, legitmate relationships with my partners. we aren't sharing, we have separate relationships :-)

shrewsigh

I think you're largely right. I do think that the OP needs to work out what she really actively wants and advocate for that. I don't necessarily think it has to mean divorce, but there's a tonne of work to do to get back to anything healthy – whether that's monogamous or non-monogamous – from here.

And her DH doesn't seem to be showing any signs of being able or willing to do that work.

wishfuldreamer

Thanks for writing this. Totally with you on the idea of 'sharing'. You can't share something you don't own, and I don't believe in 'owning' people.

I have a close friend who will still continuously ask me after eight years "don't you want a man of your own" and cannot accept that I don't believe in owning someone or being owned by someone, and that I'm happier in my current relationships than I've ever been and that the whole setup works brilliantly for me. Even though the evidence is before her very eyes.

The monogamy narrative and all the associated narratives of jealousy and possession are so deeply ingrained in our society, to the point that anyone who ventures outside of them is at best disbelieved, or at worst vilified.

The last time I was open on here about my relationship status the vitriol was appalling. To the point that I avoided MN for about four years... I'm hearted by the fact that that hasn't happened quite so much this time, and that maybe perceptions are slowly starting to change.

For my part I've made a decision to be more open about poly in non-poly spaces on- and off-line. Because things can't change if we stay invisible.

Yeah, take back some control. Make sure he does a fair share of parenting!

Get legal advice asap.

I’m so sorry your husband has betrayed you, hurt you and let you down by shattering the dream of what you thought you had. Regardless of the dynamics of your relationship what stands out to me that you are the mum of a toddler, living far away from family and friends and I imagine you must feel very alone at the moment. You’ve received some excellent advice on this thread, but I hope you have some support in real life. Sending a very unmumsnet hug.

aw, im sorry OP. After your update, I dont think you should demean yourself by asking to be his bit on the side.
Make sure he does his fair share of the childcare though, as you deserve the same opportunity for free time

@WhereTheFuck

Brief update - it seems that he is leaning more towards leaving for OW. Which may be the best in the end. We are going to talk about it tonight

Why might it be for the best in the end?

Of course he's leaning more towards leaving to be with her, he is in love. However, if he were ever truly able to be non monogamous why would he need to leave you to be with her? irrespective of whether he loved her, you and her or neither. My question remains the same, in fact more important than before; does he intend to let her share other people. Of course you might not want to know, and maybe I'm a masochist because I would be asking him. I'd want to know the answer because I couldn't make sense of my relationship until I could understand why he was so happy to share me, and yet doesn't want her to have to share him, or him share her. Why might he commit to being with her when he wasn't totally committed to monogamy with you. That's why I think he's a rat and you will be better off shot of him.

We have agreed on a trial separation, with DH living with OW and coming over to look after DD regularly and also with the two of us spending time together, both with DD and alone. I feel happy with this for now as it enables us to work on our marriage and our family as well as him having his relationship with OW. I have also agreed to meet OW this weekend with DH to discuss what it will all look like.
I accept that many posters on here will think I am an idiot but I am at peace with the decision I have made. We will review after three months and see where we go from here.

Well that went quicker than I thought.

@WhereTheFuck I will reiterate what I said earlier on. You need to protect yourself re your dd and being able to leave the country if you want to.
Go and see a lawyer to see where you stand. Again you might well not need that. You might not want to leave the country you are in. But you need to know where you stand legally.

Please don't introduce your daughter to this woman for a very long time until there is some permanence in the relationship. Your child need to be the priority at this point.

I mean... I think it’s an awful idea all round for everyone except your DH, who gets to leave you but keep you around, so he doesn’t suffer at all... but all the best with it if it’s what you want.

I’d second not introducing your DD to this though. It’s not at all fair on her, it’ll be confusing beyond belief. The OW should not meet your DD.

Yes, I don't plan for DD to be introduced to OW at all during this period

It will look like he's having his cake and eating it. How are you going to feel when he swans off with new squeeze and you're left at home ?

Be aware that "trial separation" is frequently errant husband speak for "getting out of my marriage with as little trouble, fuss and pain to me as possible"!

He's done a right number on you

Good luck with it

Imagine being in an open.Relationship and STILL managing to cheat. That is a serious ability to cheat. And now he’s got his cake and eating it too, or is sex with you off the table during this trial? Will he do any functional parenting? Hand him dd and go out for the day, telling him if he doesn’t cook her a meal and clean up after her he will have to spend time with her somewhere else.

OP, I hope youre getting plenty of opportunity to sow your wild oats and arent going to be doing all the drudgework