Total clusterfuck situation with DH, complicated, anyone in an open /poly relationship please read

[WhereTheFuck]

I've name changed for this awful situation. Been married to DH for 5 years, together 7. We have always had an open relationship with specific parameters including discussing our plans to have sex with others and walking away from any relationship which seemed to be going beyond sex into love. We were both happy with this and I honestly thought we would be married forever. We have a toddler DD and our relationship has suffered a little from the sleepless nights etc, but we always said that it was just a thing that happens with a baby- not a serious issue or so I thought.

We live abroad and can't get back to the UK currently due to covid. So we are far from our family and close friends. We have paid childcare here, which is great but we need it because we both work FT in demanding jobs. It has been difficult lately with all of this going on, but I thought things would get better between us.

On Saturday however, DH dropped the bombshell that he is in love with somebody else. He basically broke the rules of our open relationship by not telling me anything about this woman and continuing to see her for 3 months (they had been talking online for 3 months before that). I was devastated and have hardly eaten or slept since.

The issue is that I really want to stay married to him. I know this sounds weird but because we have an open relationship, i think it might work for us to stay married and for him to still see the OW as well. He is open to this, is keen for the OW and I to meet, which is something we have previously done with other sexual partners, although obviously this time is a bit different!

The thing is that I am not sure if DH really wants to stay married to me even though we have DD together. But I think he just hasn't given our relationship a chance lately. I would like to work on our marriage in the hope that either we will be able to live in a kind of polyamorous situation, or that he will lose interest in the OW and come back to me.

So my question is : how should I proceed? Should we try the unconventional plan i suggested above? Or should I tell DH to leave and go to the OW full time, in the hope that the mundane nature of everyday life will bring him back to earth and he will come back to me and DD?
Thanks in advance!

After reading the updates on this thread I'm honestly gobsmacked.

The OP would rather live as a second fiddle in her own marriage whilst her husband has a affair in front of her face under the guise of a polyamorous relationship.

There's a huge difference between casual sex with other people whilst practicing an open marriage and this.

Jeez the OP might as well go around to OW's house and do the housework,laundry and cooking for her and her DH too.

Come on OP where's your self respect at?

You do know that there are men out there that'll not only NOT cheat on you but will also be perfectly content for you both to each other's only sexual partners.

I can't understand all these late posts saying ' just ready your updates' but then making clear they have not read the updates as they don't know OP has told him he's made his choice to go to OW and there is no rebuilding their marriage.

You're doing great @WhereTheFuck . You might be sad etc sometimes in the future and that's ok. What's important is you don't get back with him, don't try and charm him into getting back with you etc. Stay true to your resolve. x

@thenewduchessofhastings IDK which updates you've read but I think you missed some. OP is doing really well at holding her own now.

@whycantwegoonasthree

Onlyinyourdreams

I don't think you're actually interested in having your opinion changed, nor am I about to subject my children, or my partner's, my boyfriend's or my girlfriend's children to the pit of vipers that is MN.

So you'll have to take my word for it that all ten of them, ranging in age from 7 to 22, all 100% aware of the various dynamics, seem and state that they're quite comfortable with it. And there are benefits – extra 'siblings' that they can have fun with but don't have to share a house with, more fun during school holidays, and more adults who take an interest in them and are on hand to help with stuff.

Some examples:

My DP has arranged a work placement at his company for my GF's son. My DPs son taught my eldest daughter how to do jumps on skis. My boyfriend's DD and my eldest DD are similar ages and close friends who share a love of silly outfits and TikTok dance routines and who complain if they don't get to see each other enough. My youngest and my BFs youngest share a love of Studio Ghibli films. My DPs daughter has a dog that my children adore and so they walk him with her regularly. (Because mummy is too mean to get them a puppy of their own, obvs.)

As for who is having sex with who, I don't think they give a toss.

What they see, mostly, is a bunch of adults who love each other and support each other in a variety of ways, and who love them and support them in a variety of ways.

For me, it's this, much, much more than the sex, which is the thing I love most about they way we're doing things.

But I've been here before on MN, and I'm sure you'll disbelieve everything I've just told you in favour of your own version anyway. I'm just leaving this here for the record, and so that your sweeping assumption didn't go unchallenged.

I find what you say very interesting. You claim that it works for you and all those involved. Who are we to disagree, after all we don’t know you. I’m not convinced that it’s not having any negative impact of the children who are living in this set up, because I know children who live outside the norms of their society can be affected by virtue of those differences. It’s impossible to prove that your lifestyle won’t have a negative impact on the children until they are older though. You have presented a very interesting viewpoint on the subject so have clearly thought long and hard about it. Considering the rate of break ups of monogamous relationships maybe there’s something to be said for the way you live your life!

But referring to the people on here as a ‘nest of vipers’? Just no.

soontobe60 I've been on here long enough to remember when MN users habitually referred to themselves as a 'nest of vipers'... so #throwbackthursday then if you like.

That said, my last experience talking about non-monogamy here did feel almost exactly like one.

Are you ok, OP?

Is there an update of what happened with this thread!? Speachless hope you and dd had your happy ending

Their DD deserves better than OP and her husband. This arrangement was always going to end up messy and complicated and the poor child was brought into the middle of it.

they should not have had a child with this arrangement as it’s not the right home environment for a child.

Wow, what lovely, helpful post, simply shimmering with nuance and insight. A real MN highlight!

You really think it was right to bring a child into such a messy arrangement? That’s very selfish of them and short sighted. A child deserves better from parents who are focused on creating a safe happy home for the child not parents change going their sex partners weekly.

Wow guys guess a few people had a bad Sunday.
This is a zombie post I just wanted to see how all turned out.