Total clusterfuck situation with DH, complicated, anyone in an open /poly relationship please read

[WhereTheFuck]

I've name changed for this awful situation. Been married to DH for 5 years, together 7. We have always had an open relationship with specific parameters including discussing our plans to have sex with others and walking away from any relationship which seemed to be going beyond sex into love. We were both happy with this and I honestly thought we would be married forever. We have a toddler DD and our relationship has suffered a little from the sleepless nights etc, but we always said that it was just a thing that happens with a baby- not a serious issue or so I thought.

We live abroad and can't get back to the UK currently due to covid. So we are far from our family and close friends. We have paid childcare here, which is great but we need it because we both work FT in demanding jobs. It has been difficult lately with all of this going on, but I thought things would get better between us.

On Saturday however, DH dropped the bombshell that he is in love with somebody else. He basically broke the rules of our open relationship by not telling me anything about this woman and continuing to see her for 3 months (they had been talking online for 3 months before that). I was devastated and have hardly eaten or slept since.

The issue is that I really want to stay married to him. I know this sounds weird but because we have an open relationship, i think it might work for us to stay married and for him to still see the OW as well. He is open to this, is keen for the OW and I to meet, which is something we have previously done with other sexual partners, although obviously this time is a bit different!

The thing is that I am not sure if DH really wants to stay married to me even though we have DD together. But I think he just hasn't given our relationship a chance lately. I would like to work on our marriage in the hope that either we will be able to live in a kind of polyamorous situation, or that he will lose interest in the OW and come back to me.

So my question is : how should I proceed? Should we try the unconventional plan i suggested above? Or should I tell DH to leave and go to the OW full time, in the hope that the mundane nature of everyday life will bring him back to earth and he will come back to me and DD?
Thanks in advance!

He's cheated on you in exactly the same way that a DH in a 'monogamous' marriage would - gone behind your back, broken your trust and lied to you. Given that, I would say the options are you leave him/he leaves you, or he leaves her and the two of you try to rebuild your relationship.

And how are you going to introduce this person to your child?

Does the OW want to join your poly life? What has your dh told her about you and yes how will you explain this to your daughter?

I think you run the risk of DH thinking you will do anything to remain married, and therefore giving him permission to do exactly what he wants.

Even though you ‘allow’ him to meet and have sex with other women, he has still managed to cheat on you.

Given that he has free reign to fuck other women, but has felt the need to tell you he actually loves her, I think he probably really does love her and want to be with her.

I don’t see how you can come back from this or how this can work like your previous arrangements.

You see that's the problem, you just can't set parametres on how someone is going to feel about someone they are having a sexual relationship with. You just can't control that. Add to that the mundane toil and stress of life with young children.

How can you 'work' on your relationship when he is happily in love with someone else?

This is not some modern type of relationship you are hoping to develop. This is a tired old tale of a woman whose husband has fallen for someone else and now she is desperately doing the 'pick me dance.'

He is in love with someone else and you don't want him to be. I just don't see how this can work out for you. It won't be a polyamorous relationship, it will be a cheating bastard having a baby momma and his love relationship.

@littleburn

He's cheated on you in exactly the same way that a DH in a 'monogamous' marriage would - gone behind your back, broken your trust and lied to you. Given that, I would say the options are you leave him/he leaves you, or he leaves her and the two of you try to rebuild your relationship.

Yes! It doesn't matter that you have an open relationship. He has broken your Couples Rules, lied to you, hidden this relationship. Even with al the sexual freedom the two of you allow within your relationship he has gone further, done more, cheated on you!

If you allow him to do this you will become the 3rd wheel in your marriage. The onlooker.

And that's if the OW has any clue about the reality of your open relationsip. Who kows what he told her?

Is that what you want?

How on earth will this work? What will happen if you return to the UK, will he want to stay there with her? Is she even poly herself?

The poly bit is irrelevant really. He's broken the terms of your arrangement. You're going to be doing the pick me dance 24/7 like some bizarre Mormon set up.

You want to work on the marriage and stay together, but what does he want? I wonder if the OW wants him exclusively and that's why he's told you.

I'm just wondering, is he a hands on dad?

Sorry this has happened to you OP - sounds like your marriage is over from his point of view or he wouldn't have fallen in love with someone else behind your back.

what did you think was going to happen?

Oh I mean this so gently my lovely, but your DH loves someone else, there is no going back from that. If you try and hang on to this relationship you will cause yourself heartache and your self esteem will be on the floor.

You need to start divorce proceedings.

I think you may all be right :(

Agree with others, I think the poly thing is separate. He broke the pretty flexible rules and boundaries you both set. Regardless of whether you are happy with an open relationship, he still went behind your back. Would you be able to trust him again?

@shrewsigh

You see that's the problem, you just can't set parametres on how someone is going to feel about someone they are having a sexual relationship with. You just can't control that. Add to that the mundane toil and stress of life with young children.

How can you 'work' on your relationship when he is happily in love with someone else?

This is not some modern type of relationship you are hoping to develop. This is a tired old tale of a woman whose husband has fallen for someone else and now she is desperately doing the 'pick me dance.'

He is in love with someone else and you don't want him to be. I just don't see how this can work out for you. It won't be a polyamorous relationship, it will be a cheating bastard having a baby momma and his love relationship.

This. Protect yourself and show your dd a model of healthy relationship, in which the partners respect each other, moving forward.

i think it might work for us to stay married and for him to still see the OW as well. He is open to this

I bet he is! Here's your gigantic cake and here's your spoon! Enjoy!!

Now, watch me bend over backwards for you in the hope that you'll pick me!

This is the problem with these set ups, you had the rule that neither of you would fall in love with someone else, but he has. He's disrespected you more than a n a monogamous relationship because he's had the freedom to sleep around but lied to you anyway. What's his explanation for that?

I think you're on a long road to heartbreak here, just dragging out the inevitable. Will you be truly happy knowing he loves someone else and will you be waiting every day for him to leave for her? I think you need to give him the ultimatum of you or her as it's not part of the original arrangement and you will end up getting hurt in the long run.

You and your DD deserve better than that OP. He broke your trust- once you’ve broken something it never goes back to how it was.

Regardless of the type of relationship you thought you had, in truth your husband is a liar and a cheat.
There is no way that can be fixed, he has abused your trust beyond repair, and even so called free/open marriages still depend on trust and honesty.

Tbh, an open relationship is just a green light to keep having affairs. It’s inevitable that one of these affairs is likely to become serious and lead to the end of the marriage.

At the end of the day, he’s in love with someone else and not with you. And your relationship isn’t strong enough for him to want to stay with you.

Does the OW know that she’s been sleeping with a married man? IS she aware of the status of your relationship? Or is it possible that falling in love with her has led to him wanting to become monogamous - that is possible as well.

Personally. Would file for divorce, and I would do some serious soul-searching as to whether you really want to consider this kind of lifestyle in the future, because someone inevitably always gets hurt.

As a matter of interest, whose idea was it to start an open relationship?

This is why I think these relationships never work. You can try and control someone else behaviour and set all the rules you like but feelings don’t work like that. Sex is complicated and people will fall in love. He loves her, does she love him too ? Why try and hold on to him ?
I question how much you love each other if you both want other people tbh. Where friends have had open relationships one party has always been more invested than the other, and it has never ended in anything other than hurt and bitterness.

If the relationship was floundering before this I would call it quits. If he hasn't put the effort in to try amend things already what do you think would make him do so now?
It sounds like if you were to move this woman in than you would basically become a second class citizen in your own home. He would have her on tap for love and sex and you would be relegated to maid/nanny status. All while living in your own personal hell of watching them in the first flushes of love.
Remember you're also modelling relationships for your daughter here, is this how you would want her to be treated?
You deserve to be loved and to be happy, while ending this relationship would be tough it doesn't mean there isn't somebody else out there for you!

He’s having an old-fashioned, bog standard affair. The poly thing is a red herring.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Sorry, but you gave him total freedom but it wasn't enough.