Total clusterfuck situation with DH, complicated, anyone in an open /poly relationship please read

[WhereTheFuck]

I've name changed for this awful situation. Been married to DH for 5 years, together 7. We have always had an open relationship with specific parameters including discussing our plans to have sex with others and walking away from any relationship which seemed to be going beyond sex into love. We were both happy with this and I honestly thought we would be married forever. We have a toddler DD and our relationship has suffered a little from the sleepless nights etc, but we always said that it was just a thing that happens with a baby- not a serious issue or so I thought.

We live abroad and can't get back to the UK currently due to covid. So we are far from our family and close friends. We have paid childcare here, which is great but we need it because we both work FT in demanding jobs. It has been difficult lately with all of this going on, but I thought things would get better between us.

On Saturday however, DH dropped the bombshell that he is in love with somebody else. He basically broke the rules of our open relationship by not telling me anything about this woman and continuing to see her for 3 months (they had been talking online for 3 months before that). I was devastated and have hardly eaten or slept since.

The issue is that I really want to stay married to him. I know this sounds weird but because we have an open relationship, i think it might work for us to stay married and for him to still see the OW as well. He is open to this, is keen for the OW and I to meet, which is something we have previously done with other sexual partners, although obviously this time is a bit different!

The thing is that I am not sure if DH really wants to stay married to me even though we have DD together. But I think he just hasn't given our relationship a chance lately. I would like to work on our marriage in the hope that either we will be able to live in a kind of polyamorous situation, or that he will lose interest in the OW and come back to me.

So my question is : how should I proceed? Should we try the unconventional plan i suggested above? Or should I tell DH to leave and go to the OW full time, in the hope that the mundane nature of everyday life will bring him back to earth and he will come back to me and DD?
Thanks in advance!

@whycantwegoonasthree
The thing that would bother me was the lying about the relationship's existence in the first place. That he has been dishonest about it about it, and therefore lied about all kinds of other stuff too,

That would bother me, but realistically, he had been seeing her for 3 months. So, yes he was having sex and seeing her. But, I don’t think it was love at first sight (don’t think that exists really). So somewhen he started to fall in love...at worst he’s been in denial and afraid to say anything for what? Weeks? So I don’t see it as unforgivable especially in context of this being a naive couple new to polyamory and thinking they can just have sex and never end up having deeper emotions like love to contend with.

@shrewsigh

I don’t think there is anything wrong with welcoming a 3rd person in?

Well there is if OP doesn't want him to love anyone else and she has that she doesn't.

Where has she said that? Polyamory is about loving more than one partner.

If you are planning to return to the U.K. and he doesn't want to because of her, you will definitely need legal advice

I would do this ASAP before saying or doing anything further

It really depends on how they both think about their relationship and how much her DP is prepared to work on it and invest in it.

Married with a child and a whole bunch of history can be thought of as 'boring', but it can also be thought of as deeply connected and bonded in a very fundamental way with an intimate knowledge of each other than only comes with time and commitment.

So yes, the new person is shiny and new and has novelty value, and a new relationship is very exciting. But that doesn't last long, usually, and that relationship will change, and evolve over time too, as all relationships do. It's about how everyone navigates these changes and communicates what they want and need, and ensures that they're taking equally good care of all their relationships that's important.

Lots of people would be concerned that the new person would be secondary as 'how can they compete with an established relationship' with children'. For example. There are lots of ways of looking at this situation – it's where hierarchical ways of thinking are really counter-productive.

It can and does work, but everyone has to be aware of what they're doing and communicate well and fully - what concerns me here is that that hasn't happened here, and the OPs husband (and the OP for that matter) doesn't really know what they're doing.

So they will likely hurt each other and others, unless they start thinking hard and communicating properly, and right quick.

Oh and I think your DH is a cheating cunt and you should divorce him btw

But legal advice first!

You can't help who you fall for, and thus is a common occurrence in open relationships - play with fire, get your fingers burnt. You could be happy with your car, but if you go around test driving others, then one day you'll probably find one you like better.

You've just become the other woman inside your own marriage. For most people that wouldn't be a tenable situation. If you tolerate it, you've definitely lost him. If you let him go, then there's a chance he might come back when he realises the grass isn't greener. But would you even want home back? I suspect not, once you've had the time to come to terms with it. Right now, you're probably still in the denial phase.

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@whycantwegoonasthree
The thing that would bother me was the lying about the relationship's existence in the first place. That he has been dishonest about it about it, and therefore lied about all kinds of other stuff too,

That would bother me, but realistically, he had been seeing her for 3 months. So, yes he was having sex and seeing her. But, I don’t think it was love at first sight (don’t think that exists really). So somewhen he started to fall in love...at worst he’s been in denial and afraid to say anything for what? Weeks? So I don’t see it as unforgivable especially in context of this being a naive couple new to polyamory and thinking they can just have sex and never end up having deeper emotions like love to contend with.[/quote]
I read it that she didn't know about the relationship at all, not that she just didn't know bout the falling in love...

Otherwise I would tend to agree with you.

@whycantwegoonasthree
Ah, yes I’ve re-read the OP and it is ambiguous as to whether the DH kept her a complete secret from day one. I would agree with you if that is the case.

No matter what your relationship model is, once trust is broken it's extremely hard to get back again. I say this is someone that is polyamorous, breaking agreements made is still cheating. Feelings happen, they cannot be prevented in open type situations, but hiding or lying about them can.

@thenewduchessofhastings

This is the very definition the phrases "give an inch,take a mile" and "having his cake and eating it".

He was given carte blanche to sleep with as many women as he wants and still manages to cheat on you.

He is what's known on Mumsnet as a "cheeky fucker".

Or in his case, a fucky cheater

[quote Changechangychange]@whycantwegoonasthree it wasn’t me who said that, but it does seem like OP would be relegated to being “second” if she continues in this relationship. Not because that’s a given for all polyamorous relationships, but because of how she describes the spark having gone out of their marriage, and her DH’s excited raving about how much he loves this new GF. In this specific relationship, OP would be signing up to be the secondary, “boring” relationship compared to the “madly in love” one.

The novelty might wear off of course. But it is a shitty situation to put yourself in for 2-3 years until her DH bores of the new girl too.[/quote]
spark going out of a marriage doesnt make it over. Things can be worked on. Who realistically expects the spark to stay the same over a lifetime. It can be brought back if its worked on

@Branleuse of course, it just doesn’t sound like her DH is particularly interested in doing that, when he could be shagging his new girlfriend instead.

i think the point is, if youre already in an open relationship or poly situation, you wouldnt be automatically coming from the viewpoint that being excited by a new partnership emerging means the other one is immediately over. I think its too soon to tell

This is a little unrelated, but it’s nice to see all the other poly folks peering out from under parapet on MN. Hi :-)

OP - I hope you’re doing ok?

For me, my ability to tolerate this would hinge on whether I still considered myself to be “in love” with my partner. For example, I am still insanely in love with my current fella, so the thought of him actually loving another partner would be intolerable to me - I simply couldn’t sit back and watch it happen. I would have to run for the hills.

However, I have had previous relationships (I am thinking of my most recent marriage for example) where the fact that my husband was quite openly in love with another woman didn’t bother me because my feelings for him we’re not very intense and more ones of friendship to be honest. (We did split in the end but for other reasons).

Do you love your partner, OP? As in “in love” love?

And are you seeing anyone else at the moment? That would make a difference to my ability to handle the situation you describe, too.

A friend attempted to do something like this. They were polyamorous and she started seeing a woman and fell madly in love. She was still living with her husband and child but it didn’t work out because she was so besotted with the new partner she just wanted to spend all her time with her. So now they’ve separated amicably and share custody. She now identifies as lesbian and doesn’t ever see herself being with a man again, and she is no longer polyamorous either. I do feel quite sad for the husband as they were a very happy couple.

OP I would assume the relationship is done. Put your energy into working out what to do in the future, where you’re going to live etc.

I love this quote from My Best Friend's Wedding:

• George: Michael's chasing Kimmy?
• Julianne: Yes!
• George: You're chasing Michael?
• Julianne: Yes!
• George: Who's chasing you... nobody, get it? There's your answer.

Only you know whether you are happy to wait patiently in the wings watching him go through the thrills and butterflies of the early stages of falling in love with someone else. It's heady and all-consuming and I would find it untenable to watch my husband go through those feelings for someone else while I raised our child and waited for me to matter to him again. But every single one of us comes to our own conclusion about what we can and cannot bear, and I guess that's what you now have to work out.

I think you are somewhere halfway between the opinions here, OP. you are not monogamous, but you are also not polyamorous. As such, you have to decide where you feel about your partner being in love with someone else. NRE, as @whycantwegoonasthree set out so well, can be challenging in an established relationship, but it can be dealt with. But if you don’t want to be in a relationship where you can be in love with more than one person, and want to retain the emotional monogamy, you have a problem.

There are a lot posters here saying an open relationship is daft because feeling inevitably happen and you can’t control it. I would suggest that it’s no different to the risk of developing feelings for someone in a mono relationship. This board is full of ‘emotional affairs’. There are all kinds of recommendations about how to, in effect, control this emotional response.

I happen to think it’s a hard thing to promise or predict, and also that is it possible to ethically love more than one partner. But it is hard, and it requires a lot of trust and open and honest communication...and that is where your husband has dropped the ball.

As I said in my first post, and others have also said, it’s up to you to now decide whether you can work through that breach of trust and also change your relationship model.

Having an open relationship is dangerous and it blurs the boundaries. Open relationship or not he clearly cheated on you and is in Love with another. I would let him go. Focus on your child and yourself. I wish you all the best.

Where has she said that? Polyamory is about loving more than one partner
@PlanDeRaccordement

Its there right in the OP. First paragraph. The deal in their relationship was that they weren't 'allowed' to fall in love with anyone else and must walk away from any partner that started to go that way. And OP talks about hoping he will stop loving the new woman and come back to her. This does not sound like it was ever a polyamorous relationship tbh but that they had casual sexual relationships with other people that were never supposed to develop into anything more.

Welcoming a third person into your relationship would be fine, if she loved you too. But she doesnt, she only loves your husband.

@Beautiful3 - it is possible to have a 'V' relationship, where one hinge partner has two partners, without each of those partners being romantically or sexually involved. i would say, in general, this is my experience of polyam people. Triads are the popular visual of polyamory, but they don't seem to be the common reality.

But this, as has been said multiple times already, is a bit of a red herring. it doesn't really sound like the OP wants to be in a polyamorous relationship set up, V or otherwise. and even if she does, there is work to be done within her relationship around trust and communication before it could happen.

Hope you're feeling ok today op. Nothing new to add - you COULD accept your place as second in your relationship having been betrayed by your partner jeopardizing your emotional security and your relationship. It's practically possible. It would also make you intensely unhappy and paranoid, and you would be constantly at odds over how much time and care he dedicating to the ow over your child and you. I'm sorry this happened to you. It's cruel and painful, and ime the pain will take a long time to work through and make sense to you because it's a very profound sort of unkindness that he's done to you. Prioritize yourself and your child, set boundaries and know that you are worth a great deal better than your partner has given you.

Brief update - it seems that he is leaning more towards leaving for OW. Which may be the best in the end. We are going to talk about it tonight

So sorry this has happened to you. I have no respect for men who leave when young children turn up and life gets harder. That's the time to step up not step down.

Be clear headed about all this OP, especially given you are not in the UK and so the living/ custody arrangements get more complicated.

All strength to you.