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Original poster

Total clusterfuck situation with DH, complicated, anyone in an open /poly relationship please read

262 replies

WhereTheFuck · 10/05/2021 15:05

I've name changed for this awful situation. Been married to DH for 5 years, together 7. We have always had an open relationship with specific parameters including discussing our plans to have sex with others and walking away from any relationship which seemed to be going beyond sex into love. We were both happy with this and I honestly thought we would be married forever. We have a toddler DD and our relationship has suffered a little from the sleepless nights etc, but we always said that it was just a thing that happens with a baby- not a serious issue or so I thought.

We live abroad and can't get back to the UK currently due to covid. So we are far from our family and close friends. We have paid childcare here, which is great but we need it because we both work FT in demanding jobs. It has been difficult lately with all of this going on, but I thought things would get better between us.

On Saturday however, DH dropped the bombshell that he is in love with somebody else. He basically broke the rules of our open relationship by not telling me anything about this woman and continuing to see her for 3 months (they had been talking online for 3 months before that). I was devastated and have hardly eaten or slept since.

The issue is that I really want to stay married to him. I know this sounds weird but because we have an open relationship, i think it might work for us to stay married and for him to still see the OW as well. He is open to this, is keen for the OW and I to meet, which is something we have previously done with other sexual partners, although obviously this time is a bit different!

The thing is that I am not sure if DH really wants to stay married to me even though we have DD together. But I think he just hasn't given our relationship a chance lately. I would like to work on our marriage in the hope that either we will be able to live in a kind of polyamorous situation, or that he will lose interest in the OW and come back to me.

So my question is : how should I proceed? Should we try the unconventional plan i suggested above? Or should I tell DH to leave and go to the OW full time, in the hope that the mundane nature of everyday life will bring him back to earth and he will come back to me and DD?
Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
powershowerforanhour · 10/05/2021 18:47

Like, it's all Vicky Cristina Barcelona and cool till somebody gets up the duff and then everybody gets old.

Branleuse · 10/05/2021 18:47

I dont think its the same as cheating.

Boonlark · 10/05/2021 18:53

The problem is that he's cheated and broken your trust. It would be different if you'd agreed to be poly in the first place, but trying it now, when he's broken your trust and lied (trust and honesty are really important in a healthy poly relationship) is not going to work.

And it's not like it's a one off.. He deliberately hid her from you for months. Probably longer than he's owning up to as it's very quick to fall in love in a matter of a couple of months.

I can't see how this is going to work for you, unless he becomes 100% committed to rebuilding your trust. And that starts with him dumping the OW, and realising what he's done to you and your relationship. And tbh I can't see that happening

Cleverpolly3 · 10/05/2021 18:54

@powershowerforanhour

Like, it's all Vicky Cristina Barcelona and cool till somebody gets up the duff and then everybody gets old.
About right
Changechangychange · 10/05/2021 18:54

How are you envisioning this working? You do all the cooking, cleaning, and care of your child while he is out having fun with the love of his life, and occasionally he pops home, plays with DD and lets you fuck him, before he goes back to his proper girlfriend who he really loves?

Or you form a triad - him and her as the lived up couple, and you as the boring old wifey who facilitates their carefree relationship?

I really think this is just prolonging the inevitable, OP. There is no way he can combine genuinely “working on his marriage” with “shiny new sexy girlfriend on the side”.

ittakes2 · 10/05/2021 18:57

Having a toddler can be very hard work as you know.
Your comment " in the hope that the mundane nature of everyday life will bring him back to earth"...do you not think that part of this is he already considers family life with a toddler mudane now? Some men have trouble seeing their wife/partner in a sexual way anymore once they become a mother unfortunately.
I am so sorry but it does seem since he has broken your agreed rules he has actively decided to opt out of your marriage. Very weak though - he should have discussed things with you if he was not happy.

1forAll74 · 10/05/2021 18:57

You never know how things will work out in poly relationships , further down the line. It's quite inevitable, that sooner or later, one partner will fall for someone more special, and give up all the swapping and changing. It is usually very confusing for any children involved also.

whycantwegoonasthree · 10/05/2021 18:58

Polyamory is different to cheating, but it's still entirely possible to cheat on a non-monogamous relationship.

Cheating is lying and breaking the foundational agreements you base your relationship on.

Her husband has absolutely cheated.

The question is, as with any situation where trust is broken - what do you do next?

And in an already poly relationship the answer tends to be less cut and dried, in my experience. I know a lot of poly relationships that have blundered their way to happiness with all kind of fuck ups and forgiveness along the way. Mine is one.

Dervel · 10/05/2021 19:07

I mean I guess the marriage could survive but I think you have been demoted to “second” and the new paramour is now “first”. I guess If you could be happy on the periphery of your own love life much like the others who have drifted in and out of yours and your husbands marriage we’re happy to accept maybe you could too.

whycantwegoonasthree · 10/05/2021 19:08

Actually - thinking about it, the first question is not 'what do you do next' – it's 'what do you need', and 'what do you want'?

PlanDeRaccordement · 10/05/2021 19:12

I have different view. Yes, he broke the no falling in love rule, but it was a naive rule for polyamory. When sex and emotions are involved, love follows. That’s why it is called polyamory...which literally translates as “many loves.”

So I don’t think it is an “affair” as such, just that the two of you didn’t really understand polyamory when you embarked on an open marriage.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with welcoming a 3rd person in? How does OW feel about it? Would she be willing to live as a thruple? How would you explain it to your DD?

OnlyInYourDreams · 10/05/2021 19:13

Thing is, this is unlikely to have been the first time.

I would bet money that the husband was the one suggesting an open relationship and that the OP went along with it to keep him.

As an aside though, if a woman in an open relationship falls pregnant do they have a DNA test when the baby is born to establish paternity?

OnlyInYourDreams · 10/05/2021 19:14

I’d like to hear the perspectives of children who have grown up in households where parents had open relationships. I can’t imagine that they have a happy tale to tell.

MsTSwift · 10/05/2021 19:16

God once you have a child who would have the energy for all this drama? There’s a reason most people are boring old monagamists once you have kids and start to age. Much easier to have a hobby like cycling or paddleboarding or something rather than starting new relationships. Wouldn’t be great for kids either my young teen girls miss nothing - they would be upset and confused if we started having secondary relationships.

Branleuse · 10/05/2021 19:20

@OnlyInYourDreams

I’d like to hear the perspectives of children who have grown up in households where parents had open relationships. I can’t imagine that they have a happy tale to tell.
How is that helpful to this specific question. Dont you think people should be able to ask questions or for support even if they have a non monogamous relationship? This isnt AIBU.
Branleuse · 10/05/2021 19:21

@MsTSwift

God once you have a child who would have the energy for all this drama? There’s a reason most people are boring old monagamists once you have kids and start to age. Much easier to have a hobby like cycling or paddleboarding or something rather than starting new relationships. Wouldn’t be great for kids either my young teen girls miss nothing - they would be upset and confused if we started having secondary relationships.
Well dont start having them then
Original poster
WhereTheFuck · 10/05/2021 19:22

I am reading all your replies, thank you so much. It's very late here and I want to get some sleep but I'll.update in the morning. Thanks, this has been very useful to have a bit of a wake up call I think

OP posts:
whycantwegoonasthree · 10/05/2021 19:25

PlanDeRaccordement

I don't think it's that he broke the 'no falling in love rule' that is necessarily the cheating bit – I agree that was an unrealistic and unhelpful rule in the first place, and not one, with hindsight, that should have been made or was likely to be kept.

The thing that would bother me was the lying about the relationship's existence in the first place. That he has been dishonest about it about it, and therefore lied about all kinds of other stuff too, (where he's been etc.) and why, given that they have an open marriage anyway, he felt it necessary to do so.

And there are lots of ways to have non-monogamous relationships, a fully-integrated 'kitchen table' or even co-habiting 'throuple' is one end of a pretty broad spectrum.

Dervel I think you're comment about being demoted to secondary is her marriage isn't surprising, but I think misunderstands some of the foundational ideas of polyamory.

Just like you don't expect to have only one 'friend', or to love a first child less when you have a second, poly (when done well and ethically) maintains that every relationship is unique, as is every person, and that love is infinite. So just because someone has more than one relationship doesn't mean that they value any relationship less than another, or love anyone less.

(A lot of poly people don't believe hierarchies either - and so reject the notion of 'primary' or secondary. That's a complicated discussion for another time though.)

However, time and energy are finite - so one of the things to consider when embarking on this way of relating is whether it's something you can sustain and treat everyone involved well, given the resources you have at your disposal. It's a very valid question when the OP has already described two people with a very young child and two demanding full-time jobs.

Lemmen · 10/05/2021 19:33

These oh-so-super-cool relationships sound like a monumental amount of risk, work and effort, just for the sake of being able to have sex with more than one person.

From the sounds of it OP, you were naively assuming he'd just love you and put you first forever, no matter who he slept with. As others have pointed out, that's not how it really works.

AndromedaGal · 10/05/2021 19:34

This is why open relationships/marriages ultimately don’t work out. It’s only a matter of time before one partner (or both) fall for someone they’re shagging. I know this sounds harsh but it’s always the end of the line.

What on earth did you think would be the eventual outcome? You cannot control someone else’s heart & mind. But you must have known that, when you both mutually agreed with this arrangement. You both knew you ran this risk, & that the risk is very very high. You had that conversation right?

MiriamMargo · 10/05/2021 19:38

I dont think you love one another to be honest, how can you when you can both agree to be intimate with others.

whycantwegoonasthree · 10/05/2021 19:39

Onlyinyourdreams

I don't think you're actually interested in having your opinion changed, nor am I about to subject my children, or my partner's, my boyfriend's or my girlfriend's children to the pit of vipers that is MN.

So you'll have to take my word for it that all ten of them, ranging in age from 7 to 22, all 100% aware of the various dynamics, seem and state that they're quite comfortable with it. And there are benefits – extra 'siblings' that they can have fun with but don't have to share a house with, more fun during school holidays, and more adults who take an interest in them and are on hand to help with stuff.

Some examples:

My DP has arranged a work placement at his company for my GF's son. My DPs son taught my eldest daughter how to do jumps on skis. My boyfriend's DD and my eldest DD are similar ages and close friends who share a love of silly outfits and TikTok dance routines and who complain if they don't get to see each other enough. My youngest and my BFs youngest share a love of Studio Ghibli films. My DPs daughter has a dog that my children adore and so they walk him with her regularly. (Because mummy is too mean to get them a puppy of their own, obvs.)

As for who is having sex with who, I don't think they give a toss.

What they see, mostly, is a bunch of adults who love each other and support each other in a variety of ways, and who love them and support them in a variety of ways.

For me, it's this, much, much more than the sex, which is the thing I love most about they way we're doing things.

But I've been here before on MN, and I'm sure you'll disbelieve everything I've just told you in favour of your own version anyway. I'm just leaving this here for the record, and so that your sweeping assumption didn't go unchallenged.

Changechangychange · 10/05/2021 19:41

@whycantwegoonasthree it wasn’t me who said that, but it does seem like OP would be relegated to being “second” if she continues in this relationship. Not because that’s a given for all polyamorous relationships, but because of how she describes the spark having gone out of their marriage, and her DH’s excited raving about how much he loves this new GF. In this specific relationship, OP would be signing up to be the secondary, “boring” relationship compared to the “madly in love” one.

The novelty might wear off of course. But it is a shitty situation to put yourself in for 2-3 years until her DH bores of the new girl too.

Justmuddlingalong · 10/05/2021 19:45

I don’t think there is anything wrong with welcoming a 3rd person in?
But surely the time to discuss this is before embarking on it. Not as a last gasp attempt to hold onto someone.

shrewsigh · 10/05/2021 19:45

I don’t think there is anything wrong with welcoming a 3rd person in?

Well there is if OP doesn't want him to love anyone else and she has that she doesn't.