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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

felt invisible when my husband came home

152 replies

Almostfamous29 · 08/05/2021 21:20

My husband came home tonight from a 6 day work trip, and I'd been excited to see him. i've been caring for our 1 year old daughter alone while he was away, which as you know if you're a parent is tiring.

When he came home he ran to say hello to our daughter to hug and play with her (understandably he hadnt seen her in 6 days) but It took my husband around 6/7 minutes of being home before he looked at me or properly said hello to me, and did so by squeezing my shoulder and saying 'how are you, you alright' rather than giving me a proper hug and kiss.

Perhaps this may make me sound overly sensitive or insecure but in that moment i just felt completely invisible and also disrespected. It is hard work looking after a baby alone for so long. I cant imagine if it were the other way round not greeting both him and my daughter with love and a big hug if I came home from a work trip.

Extra details are that during this 6 mins, his work crew were all outside our house and he was out speaking with them while they waited for their taxis to arrive to take them home. I feel like if they hadn't been there he'd have greeted me with more warmth.

As I type this it all sounds really childish but something just feels hurtful, no matter how secure a person is, by being ignored by your partner when you've not seen them for so long.

Aibu to feel a bit hurt by this?

OP posts:

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 08/05/2021 22:12

I couldn’t get worked up by this. Six days isn’t long and I wouldn’t feel disrespected for not having been made a fuss of for having had to parent my own child.
Lots of people don’t like public displays of affection.

MinesAPintOfTea · 08/05/2021 22:16

How was he once his work crew had dissipated? Was he just feeling self-conscious/in work mode whilst they were all that’s?

Cherrysoup · 08/05/2021 22:24

Dunno, mine comes to me first and makes me the first one he pays attention to, everyone/everything else is secondary, not in a ‘Omg, I’m so important’ way, but it’s a token to show love.

ilovepixie · 08/05/2021 22:34

When either myself or my partner come home/ leave the house the first person we greet/ give a long goodbye to is the dog 😂😂

ScabbyHorse · 08/05/2021 22:37

I would feel the same actually. I would try and tell him how it made you feel but in a casual way.

Original poster

Almostfamous29 · 08/05/2021 22:38

I should mention that normally we are very affectionate which is a token of how we show love / affection.
When I told him I felt a bit invisible after he didn’t even say hello to me he told me I’m being a spoilt brat and high maintenance - and he’s now gone to sleep in a hotel for the night

OP posts:

MadMadMadamMim · 08/05/2021 22:39

It just sounds like he was distracted for the first few minutes, waiting for work crew to get picked up, etc. He greeted baby, but his attention was split until they'd all gone.

I think it's often difficult to just switch attention from work mode to instantly home.

MadMadMadamMim · 08/05/2021 22:40

Cross posted.

Now he sounds a dickhead.

Zerrin13 · 08/05/2021 22:40

Gone to stay in a hotel?? Wtf! Something is very wrong here.

Isla2021 · 08/05/2021 22:41

I do think someone else maybe going on here, he's slept in a hotel tonight, that is extreme. Do you trust him completely op?

Isla2021 · 08/05/2021 22:41

@Isla2021

I do think someone else maybe going on here, he's slept in a hotel tonight, that is extreme. Do you trust him completely op?

Something else **

Morechocolatethanbarbara · 08/05/2021 22:43

Sounds like he was looking for an excuse to get out of parenting (again) to me, unless he took your DC with him, which i very much doubt.

I would be suspicious that he's had a few days away from home and got a taste for the single life again, otherwise he'd want to be at home with you & his child wouldn't he?

Chailatteplease · 08/05/2021 22:45

Your update makes me suspicious OP. Guilty conscience?

fantasmasgoria1 · 08/05/2021 22:45

Him going to stay in hotel for the night is an extreme reaction and one I would be highly suspicious of.

EdwinPootsLovesArchaeology · 08/05/2021 22:46

@Almostfamous29

I should mention that normally we are very affectionate which is a token of how we show love / affection. When I told him I felt a bit invisible after he didn’t even say hello to me he told me I’m being a spoilt brat and high maintenance - and he’s now gone to sleep in a hotel for the night

I think you may have to consider the possibility that he's an arsehole who's up to something.

LouiseTrees · 08/05/2021 22:47

I think you were right first time Isla. Affair with someone from work probably, unless the OP isn’t telling us something like instead of explain how hurt she felt she screamed it at him or something.

autumnalrain · 08/05/2021 22:49

Firstly, 6 days really isn’t that long. Second, most people greet their child (and sometimes even their pets) first. Lastly, if the work mates were outside I could see why he felt a bit distracted.

However, there is definitely something missing from this story. Did you fly off the handle? Because how does it go from supposedly saying ‘I felt disrespected’ to him sleeping in a hotel?

Original poster

Almostfamous29 · 08/05/2021 22:50

Posters who have said maybe he was a bit caught up in work mode, hadn’t settled into home mode..: I do see your point but to me it’s still a polite normal thing to do to say hello to your partner. It’s a gesture of love.
The fact that he didn’t do this made me feel shit. He said i am over thinking it

Yes I think he was away filming with a group of single people; younger in their 20s ( which i get reminded of all the time - I’m early 30s) and I think possibly he just didn’t feel like being affectionate with me in front of them was very cool.

And the hotel thing; yes it’s a major overreaction. Something he does anytime we have a minor row.

OP posts:

hopeishere · 08/05/2021 22:51

It sounds a bit silly and he didn't want to start snogging you in front of workmates. But storming off to a hotel is totally disproportionate.

Cleverpolly3 · 08/05/2021 22:54

That’s completely OTT
It’s also showing you he ultimately holds you in a position of responsibility for your child

What if YOU had decided to flounce off?

Original poster

Almostfamous29 · 08/05/2021 22:55

6 days isn’t that long but as I work full time from home and usually share childcare with him, having to care for a baby on my own it is actually a fairly long.

Yes I agree that the parent say hi to the kids first. That’s not what my point was; it was that he didn’t say anything to me for the first 6/7 mins of being in the house. It’s hard to explain but that just feels uncaring?

My reaction to him was upset, hurt he hadn’t said hello. I probably could have been a lot cooler when I said it: I was a bit emotional. Hence why I’m asking if I’m being unreasonable for even caring!

OP posts:

MadMadMadamMim · 08/05/2021 22:57

@Almostfamous29

Posters who have said maybe he was a bit caught up in work mode, hadn’t settled into home mode..: I do see your point but to me it’s still a polite normal thing to do to say hello to your partner. It’s a gesture of love. The fact that he didn’t do this made me feel shit. He said i am over thinking it

And the hotel thing; yes it’s a major overreaction. Something he does anytime we have a minor row.

Do you get to do the same, OP? Do you get to fuck off to a lovely hotel room for the night, leaving him with the baby after minor rows?

Because I'd be telling him that grown ups, particularly grown ups who are parents don't get to behave like this. And if he does it again perhaps he'd like to fuck off for good.

Blanca87 · 08/05/2021 23:01

What a fucking wanker. Does he really flounce off to a hotel every time you have an agreement. That is manipulative as fuck.

TedHastingsweeDonkey · 08/05/2021 23:02

N*ormally we are very affectionate which is a token of how we show love / affection.
*
He told me I’m being a spoilt brat and high maintenance - and he’s now gone to sleep in a hotel for the night

This is such a contradictory comment OP. Normally you are very affectionate but after a disagreement, he goes and stays in a hotel, having also called you a spoilt brat?? So which one so it? It really doesn't add up. Surely you realise this not normal behaviour...? 🤔

loveyourself2020 · 08/05/2021 23:04

@Almostfamous29

I should mention that normally we are very affectionate which is a token of how we show love / affection. When I told him I felt a bit invisible after he didn’t even say hello to me he told me I’m being a spoilt brat and high maintenance - and he’s now gone to sleep in a hotel for the night

Well this now is a different story. Just like you, if my DH came home after 6 days I would expect him to hug and kiss me, but it could have been that he was embarrassed to do it in front of his crew. But to call you a spoil brat and high maintenance and go to the hotel... my first thought is, there is another women involved.

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