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Original poster

felt invisible when my husband came home

152 replies

Almostfamous29 · 08/05/2021 21:20

My husband came home tonight from a 6 day work trip, and I'd been excited to see him. i've been caring for our 1 year old daughter alone while he was away, which as you know if you're a parent is tiring.

When he came home he ran to say hello to our daughter to hug and play with her (understandably he hadnt seen her in 6 days) but It took my husband around 6/7 minutes of being home before he looked at me or properly said hello to me, and did so by squeezing my shoulder and saying 'how are you, you alright' rather than giving me a proper hug and kiss.

Perhaps this may make me sound overly sensitive or insecure but in that moment i just felt completely invisible and also disrespected. It is hard work looking after a baby alone for so long. I cant imagine if it were the other way round not greeting both him and my daughter with love and a big hug if I came home from a work trip.

Extra details are that during this 6 mins, his work crew were all outside our house and he was out speaking with them while they waited for their taxis to arrive to take them home. I feel like if they hadn't been there he'd have greeted me with more warmth.

As I type this it all sounds really childish but something just feels hurtful, no matter how secure a person is, by being ignored by your partner when you've not seen them for so long.

Aibu to feel a bit hurt by this?

OP posts:
Famousinlove · 08/05/2021 23:59

Can you turn up unannounced at the hotel to see if he's alone?

Original poster
Almostfamous29 · 08/05/2021 23:59

I think was triggered me feeling upset when he came home was the noticeable difference in his affection towards me after his trip, now to add to that him storming off to a hotel again.
My problem is, no matter how calmly I approach this with him, he will spin this into me being unreasonable and call me names like jealous. This is why in the past I’ve let so much go, because he tells me I’m high maintenance and spoilt.
All my family live far away and his family are our main support - so I am in a vulnerable position

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 09/05/2021 00:02

I think don’t apologise when/if he comes back. Don’t mention it. Treat him clinically, the same way he treated you.

Em308 · 09/05/2021 00:09

I’d be checking he’s actually at this hotel!

WelliesWithHeels · 09/05/2021 00:12

I agree with what has been said above. He is completely out of line and it sounds like he was itching for any excuse to flounce off to a hotel to continue his family free fun. The fact that he does this frequently is emotionally abusive. He is doing it to teach you to put up or shut up (and trust, what he expects you to put up with WILL become more and more unreasonable).
I'd like to know more about the context in which he brings it up that you are in your 30s? To compare your looks/weight/desire to "party" unfavorably to the young women he works with? If that is the case, he is textbook abusive. Keeping you at home with the baby, feeling insecure, never knowing when he might abandon you and your child over the smallest of slights, constantly gaslighting your feelings, and running hot and cold with his affection are all classic techniques to keep you scared and controlled. There are so many women here who can point you in the right direction for support.

PermanentTemporary · 09/05/2021 00:16

6 days is a long time to me. I'd expect my partner to show me they'd missed ne and were happy to see me after that.

The hotel thing is utterly bizarre. He sounds like a character from a trashy novel, dies he swing round on his heels and wrap his fur coat round himself before stalking out? Convenient sort of drama that leaves you literally holding the baby while he dramatically orders room service and gets a full night's sleep?

LivBa · 09/05/2021 00:24

@Sunflower1970

You two sound like hard work if I’m honest
This.

It's impossible to tell if the DH's reaction is OTT as we're only hearing the OP's side of the story. If they're normally affectionate, I see no reason why the OP had to make trouble and start arguments when a simple non-heated comment to encourage him to show more of obvious affection next time would have sufficed.

He's barely in the door and she's already causing acrimony. He may have just been fed up with it all, especially after previous arguments. For all we know, perhaps he wasn't overly excited about seeing her after 6 days (hence his muted initial reaction) as he anticipated she'll start an argument about something soon after he returns (and was right).

LouiseTrees · 09/05/2021 00:31

@LivBa she says he’s done this multiple times before and went out partying when baby was 3 months though. I agree he’s just in the door but I think there’s deeper problems than what’s being said.

DateXY · 09/05/2021 00:32

Ah just seen there's key detail about her husband's behaviour in other posts which were not in the OP. I wish posters wouldn't drip feed!

Tossblanket · 09/05/2021 00:33

He runs off to stay in a hotel when you have minor rows.

😂 what a complete fanny

timeisnotaline · 09/05/2021 00:38

Wow. The hotel thing... I’d move to a hotel as he walked in the door for a couple of nights, and when I came back say I’ve been thinking, we should book relationship counselling. Because you get two more chances- the next time you storm out to a hotel, you need to stay gone for a week while you think seriously. And if you do it again after that, we are done. I am never ever again going to be in this position.

No apologies ever again when he pulls this crap, I can’t believe you’ve put up with it!

messybun101 · 09/05/2021 00:48

@Almostfamous29... you're not overreacting and you're not unreasonable op I'd be concerned re his behaviour and the hotel especially. I suspect someone else.

What an arsehole

JullyNea · 09/05/2021 00:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

messybun101 · 09/05/2021 00:57

Wtf @JullyNea

MNHQ deletion

Dddccc · 09/05/2021 01:08

Wow love how everyone jumps on he is a arse hole, ok from a man side just got back from 6 day work trip was waiting outside home for work mates to be collected when I went in the house saw my dd and when and played with her for a few minutes then asked my wife how she is later she kicks off saying she was hurt I didn't go straight over to her and stuck my tongue down her throat in front of colleagues and ignored my dd for her so I called her high maintenance, and a sport brat as she was jealous I gave dd attention before her and instead of sticking around for it to turn into a full blown argument I left to spend the night in a chappy hotel until she cares down, what would all your advise be, grow up op the world does not all about you

PickAChew · 09/05/2021 01:20

@Dddccc

Wow love how everyone jumps on he is a arse hole, ok from a man side just got back from 6 day work trip was waiting outside home for work mates to be collected when I went in the house saw my dd and when and played with her for a few minutes then asked my wife how she is later she kicks off saying she was hurt I didn't go straight over to her and stuck my tongue down her throat in front of colleagues and ignored my dd for her so I called her high maintenance, and a sport brat as she was jealous I gave dd attention before her and instead of sticking around for it to turn into a full blown argument I left to spend the night in a chappy hotel until she cares down, what would all your advise be, grow up op the world does not all about you
And breathe.

"sport brat" 🙄

LadyBrienne · 09/05/2021 01:21

My immediate thought, given the pattern described, would be that there is something between him and a woman at work - with the standard line of “I’m just there because of the children / we don’t sleep in the same bed / I sleep in the spare room / etc) - and that he didn’t want to show affection to you in front of her because it would rumble his story - and when he storms off to the hotel it’s an excuse to hang with her

Regardless , I wouldn’t stay with a man whose answer to conflict was to leave

katy1213 · 09/05/2021 01:34

He was barely in the door when you started kicking off about nothing. If that's what he comes home to, maybe that's why he turned round and went out again. Sounds like he was initially pleased to be home - and you managed to start a row within minutes.
Are you jealous of his job? because that's what it sounds like.

Oceanbliss · 09/05/2021 01:37

@Dddccc I went in the house saw my dd and when and played with her for a few minutes then asked my wife how she is later she kicks off saying she was hurt I didn't go straight over to her and stuck my tongue down her throat in front of colleagues and ignored my dd for her so I called her high maintenance, and a sport brat as she was jealous I gave dd attention before her

What a load of twisted ridiculous assumptions you’re making there.

Not hard to look at your partner and greet them while you go to pick up the baby is it?

Pretty fucking rude not to.

cupoftea2021 · 09/05/2021 01:46

Find others support besides him.
Book yourself into a hotel when he returns for a treat girls night out.
Be planning that ASAP

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/05/2021 01:51

I think he's shagging the assistant or wants to.

I would calmly tell him that the next time, he can book you a hotel and he can stay and parent while you have bubble baths, a glass of wine and starfish in the huge bed.

Actually divorce him. I was married to an artistic type who worked away. They just firmly believe they are much more important and special than you are and nothing can change their minds.

MsDogLady · 09/05/2021 07:28

OP, you are entirely reasonable to be hurt that your H initially ignored you and then gave you a mere shoulder squeeze and “How are you, you alright.”

His agenda was to put distance between you for the benefit of the female assistant. He wanted her to observe him blanking you, and he knew you would (understandably) react to his cold behavior. He had already planned to storm off to the hotel. He is likely cheating.

This loser is manipulative and contemptuous. His habitual walking out over minor disagreements and when you express your concerns is a form of bullying. This is a really toxic relationship model for your daughter to learn from.

My advice is to stop apologizing and start planning an exit strategy.

Peanutbutterandbananatoastie · 09/05/2021 07:48

@Dddccc

Wow love how everyone jumps on he is a arse hole, ok from a man side just got back from 6 day work trip was waiting outside home for work mates to be collected when I went in the house saw my dd and when and played with her for a few minutes then asked my wife how she is later she kicks off saying she was hurt I didn't go straight over to her and stuck my tongue down her throat in front of colleagues and ignored my dd for her so I called her high maintenance, and a sport brat as she was jealous I gave dd attention before her and instead of sticking around for it to turn into a full blown argument I left to spend the night in a chappy hotel until she cares down, what would all your advise be, grow up op the world does not all about you
Yes! He didn’t even say hello, it’s not about sticking his tongue down her throat. Now he’s buggered off away from the 1 year old he supposedly missed so much. He can fuck right off with that shit.

Op this could be the end in your head before it’s the actual end. If you want to stay local and don’t want to move back to your family you don’t have to officially end things just stop apologising for having perfectly normal feelings and start looking at your options financially.

Peanutbutterandbananatoastie · 09/05/2021 07:54

He was barely in the door when you started kicking off about nothing. where does the op say she “kicked off” she said she told him she felt hurt.

Honestly, I don’t understand people in mn apparently you all have these wonderful, perfect relationships, and yet showing affection is too much bother and discussing your feelings is “kicking off” Hmm.

billybagpuss · 09/05/2021 08:21

How are you feeling this morning op?

This is as much about him buggering off and leaving you with the baby as his lack of attention to you when he got home.