Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

felt invisible when my husband came home

152 replies

Almostfamous29 · 08/05/2021 21:20

My husband came home tonight from a 6 day work trip, and I'd been excited to see him. i've been caring for our 1 year old daughter alone while he was away, which as you know if you're a parent is tiring.

When he came home he ran to say hello to our daughter to hug and play with her (understandably he hadnt seen her in 6 days) but It took my husband around 6/7 minutes of being home before he looked at me or properly said hello to me, and did so by squeezing my shoulder and saying 'how are you, you alright' rather than giving me a proper hug and kiss.

Perhaps this may make me sound overly sensitive or insecure but in that moment i just felt completely invisible and also disrespected. It is hard work looking after a baby alone for so long. I cant imagine if it were the other way round not greeting both him and my daughter with love and a big hug if I came home from a work trip.

Extra details are that during this 6 mins, his work crew were all outside our house and he was out speaking with them while they waited for their taxis to arrive to take them home. I feel like if they hadn't been there he'd have greeted me with more warmth.

As I type this it all sounds really childish but something just feels hurtful, no matter how secure a person is, by being ignored by your partner when you've not seen them for so long.

Aibu to feel a bit hurt by this?

OP posts:
funnylittlefloozie · 09/05/2021 10:35

A lot of media types come to believe their own hype. You mention that he's been "away filming" and that he has an assistant (and they are ALWAYS predictably young, female and cute). It sounds 100% like he is believing the crap they dish out to him on site about how awesome he is.

Do you know the assistant? Can you have a quiet word in her ear?

tentosix · 09/05/2021 10:40

He is not a nice person and I agree he has wrapped himself in his work and work colleagues, especially the younger women. I think he's been bigging himself up to them and enjoying the attention and the feeling he is back in his carefree youth. You don't fit into his fantasy. I would be suspicious of another woman, but if not, definitely he is fishing for some excitement.

He sounds awful tbh

Cheeseandlobster · 09/05/2021 10:46

@funnylittlefloozie

A lot of media types come to believe their own hype. You mention that he's been "away filming" and that he has an assistant (and they are ALWAYS predictably young, female and cute). It sounds 100% like he is believing the crap they dish out to him on site about how awesome he is.

Do you know the assistant? Can you have a quiet word in her ear?

No! Terrible advice. Say what? Do not have a word with the assistant. Its not the assistant's problem. How embarrassing. Its a dh problem and this is entirely where the attention should be focused
Shoxfordian · 09/05/2021 10:54

Going off to a hotel and then silent treatment every time you argue is not normal or healthy behaviour

What are you really getting out of this relationship?

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 09/05/2021 10:56

He's out of order and things sound messed up. Let's face it, in that line of work and being away for days at a time, he will definitely be tempted to sleep with one or other of his crew, even if he doesn't instigate it. If it was laid on thick would he have the self control to say no?

It's such an easy way to be unfaithful that if he's responding to your worries like this I'd say he probably is. I'd just divorce him.

Friendofdennis · 09/05/2021 10:57

This is absolutely not an excuse for his behaviour but people working in tv film etc will often form really tight relationships when they are working together on location. And in that line of work they often stay in hotels so that becomes very normal to them. He is so obviously trying to escape his responsibilities when he goes off to a hotel though. It’s reading to me that he has split his life in two. Exciting work v domestic normality He is not committed to domestic life as far as I can see.

WaltzingBetty · 09/05/2021 10:58

@Almostfamous29

It hasn’t happened for a few months; but yes since our baby came he’s probably ended about a dozen arguments by saying ‘I’m booking a hotel’ and leaving, and then will give me the silent treatment the next day until I apologise for the sake of clearing the air and not having a fallout around our baby. We never have loud fights or angry rows, because he always just leaves the house to sleep in a hotel if ever he feels uncomfortable.
So he's emotionally avoidant and controlling?

Prick

Pretty soon you'll stop raising any objections as dealing with the consequences is too draining. Then he'll have you nicely trained just how he wants you

WaltzingBetty · 09/05/2021 11:03

@minniemomo

How much imagination you must have to twist
When he came home he ran to say hello to our daughter to hug and play with her (understandably he hadnt seen her in 6 days)

Into
Complaining that I didn't get affection before dc sounds like being a spoilt brat, kids come first!

It's like you've read a different OP or are just imagining facts so you can be a dick to the OP - hardly 'in the spirit' is it?

fakeplantsdontlookreal · 09/05/2021 11:16

I would text him and tell him to stay at the hotel until he has got over himself. Don't apologise to him.

Itgetsthehoseagain · 09/05/2021 11:20

How are your finances? How about when husband comes home he finds that you have taken DC off for a jolly?

timeisnotaline · 09/05/2021 11:24

@Almostfamous29

him coming home and not engaging or giving me any eye contact was very strange and felt like a massive shift to how he was before he left

It definitely felt like he was coming home having bonded heavily with these girls and was distancing himself from me subconsciously in front of them. I vocalised what I felt I’d experienced and his reaction was that Im a spoilt brat and high maintenance which tbh feels like gas lighting.

All those whose advice has been straight to find a divorce lawyer - there’s definitely a step before that which is speaking to him about him storming off to hotels and how We need to find a healthy way to discuss our feelings, but he will most likely tell me I’m overthinking or creating drama, then storm off to a hotel again. So stuck.

You’re not stuck. You have choices, you just don’t like them. If you can’t talk to him without him running off to a hotel, you can choose how to treat that. I suggested not letting him back for a week, and telling him the next time it happens you filing for divorce. Which you do. If you genuinely see no way at all to talk to him, then your choice is to tell him that’s not ok and you are done. I can’t see any other reasonable thing for you to do at this point, certainly not just put up with it.
PhillipPhillop · 09/05/2021 11:34

When he deigns to come home I'd tell him it's your turn to go to a hotel on your own for a couple of days where you will be considering your future.

HollowTalk · 09/05/2021 11:41

Given what you said about him going off to hotels and also about him trying to impress his colleagues, then I doubt very much that he's spending time alone in his hotel room. I don't mean he's shagging someone, but I bet he's out partying with them.

HollowTalk · 09/05/2021 11:42

Can you see what he spends money on?

Original poster
Almostfamous29 · 09/05/2021 12:23

If I did the same (went to get a decent night sleep by myself at a hotel to clear my head) then I’m worried my DD will feel confused and abandoned as to where I’ve gone for the night - plus my DH is in victim sulking mode today so doubt he would be much up to taking care of her.

He came back home this morning to see DD, he has been sulking giving me one word answers, then when I ask what’s the matter he complains that I can’t just chill in silence and that I don’t understand how exhausted he is and how tough his job is. He is most likely feeling tired but he Hasn’t asked about my week or my job (I work for myself full time too)

Pp who say that some media types form cliques and believe their own hype are right. Lots of drink and drugs too.

I wasn’t prepared for how easily some husbands / men can shut off their family responsibility when it doesn’t suit them and then complain about their wives to their work colleagues who are starting to feel the pressure.

OP posts:
Grandbisou · 09/05/2021 12:26

Why are you asking him what’s the matter and pandering to him? You should be reading him the riot act today. Don’t be so soft

billybagpuss · 09/05/2021 12:48

There’s a long running thread on here that started with confronting DH about his sulking that might be worth you having a read.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238&postsby=jamaisjedors&fromid=84017954

In your case I agree with others that he is likely having an affair, but the silent treatment and sulking off to a hotel every time he doesn’t get his own way is ridiculous and childish and you really need to decide if this is the life you want. I agree you need to have the conversation before leaving him, but if he refuses to engage you do need to question the marriage.

mylovelydd · 09/05/2021 12:49

You will look back on this weekend in time and realised that it was a pivotal point OP. You felt the shift so you know something more has happened that him just being tired and being an arsehole when he gets back home.
Seriously do yourself and your DD a favour and get your ducks in a row. Get some legal advice on your position and start making plans.
He is not 'all in'. You deserve so much more than an avoidant prick whose default is to run off to a 'hotel' and stonewall you or gas-light.
You mentioned there being another step before seeking legal advice etc which was to talk about it with him, but he won't let you do that so what else can you do but admit this relationship is dead in the water and move on. He shuts you down if you try and talk. I would bet my house he has fucked someone else.
Just get rid.

sadie9 · 09/05/2021 13:01

You need to take control.

Do you really want to be a partner of someone who treats you like this?

If there was someone in the room who really cared about you and didn't judge, you would you be ashamed if they saw the way you are letting him speak to you and treat you?
Then look objectively at that scene and stand up for that woman in that scene. The woman there with a baby and the man who is ignoring her, verbally abusing her, dismissing her and treating her like a nothing. Give that woman a voice, she deserves to be treated as well as any other human being.

Liliolla · 09/05/2021 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

sadfanny · 09/05/2021 13:03

What the actual fuck op? Why are you putting up with this? You're actually asking him what's wrong after he's fucked off to a hotel.
I would, and most people, would have told him not to come back. And if he did I'd be the iciest, stone coldest bitch from hell until he got the message and fucked off for good.

KinseyWinsey · 09/05/2021 13:04

Yeah everybody's tired. Everybody works hard. He doesn't have the monopoly on any of that.

He's being a shit.

I'd simply stop trying. You just getting kicked in the teeth.

Oh and when you tell him you want a divorce watch him piss his pants and beg forgiveness.

It'll get better for a bit but will soon revert.

You're convenient home maker, supplier of meals and fresh laundry.. You aren't worthy of conversation or interaction.

Grandbisou · 09/05/2021 13:06

@sadfanny

What the actual fuck op? Why are you putting up with this? You're actually asking him what's wrong after he's fucked off to a hotel. I would, and most people, would have told him not to come back. And if he did I'd be the iciest, stone coldest bitch from hell until he got the message and fucked off for good.
Exactly. I want to scream when women are just being doormats like this ‘to keep the peace’
Horehound · 09/05/2021 13:15

@Almostfamous29

him coming home and not engaging or giving me any eye contact was very strange and felt like a massive shift to how he was before he left

It definitely felt like he was coming home having bonded heavily with these girls and was distancing himself from me subconsciously in front of them. I vocalised what I felt I’d experienced and his reaction was that Im a spoilt brat and high maintenance which tbh feels like gas lighting.

All those whose advice has been straight to find a divorce lawyer - there’s definitely a step before that which is speaking to him about him storming off to hotels and how We need to find a healthy way to discuss our feelings, but he will most likely tell me I’m overthinking or creating drama, then storm off to a hotel again. So stuck.

There's really not. He doesn't give a shit about you, doesn't want to look after his child, clearly wants to Shag or more likely, gas shagged a colleague. More fool you, op.
EdwinPootsLovesArchaeology · 09/05/2021 13:15

I don't think it's even 'just' an affair. Sounds like he's shagging around, living the single life.

He's a nasty, spiteful and egotistical little shit parading in full view, having drawn you in by putting on an act and making you seem and feel vulnerable and dependent. Now he's acting out being irritated by that 'dependency'.

And I'm so sorry it's happening to you. What resources do you need to break free? What resources do you have or can you acquire?

You have your salary. He'll need to pay child support. Have you looked at moving?

Swipe left for the next trending thread