felt invisible when my husband came home

[Almostfamous29]

My husband came home tonight from a 6 day work trip, and I'd been excited to see him. i've been caring for our 1 year old daughter alone while he was away, which as you know if you're a parent is tiring.

When he came home he ran to say hello to our daughter to hug and play with her (understandably he hadnt seen her in 6 days) but It took my husband around 6/7 minutes of being home before he looked at me or properly said hello to me, and did so by squeezing my shoulder and saying 'how are you, you alright' rather than giving me a proper hug and kiss.

Perhaps this may make me sound overly sensitive or insecure but in that moment i just felt completely invisible and also disrespected. It is hard work looking after a baby alone for so long. I cant imagine if it were the other way round not greeting both him and my daughter with love and a big hug if I came home from a work trip.

Extra details are that during this 6 mins, his work crew were all outside our house and he was out speaking with them while they waited for their taxis to arrive to take them home. I feel like if they hadn't been there he'd have greeted me with more warmth.

As I type this it all sounds really childish but something just feels hurtful, no matter how secure a person is, by being ignored by your partner when you've not seen them for so long.

Aibu to feel a bit hurt by this?

If I did the same (went to get a decent night sleep by myself at a hotel to clear my head) then I’m worried my DD will feel confused and abandoned as to where I’ve gone for the night - plus my DH is in victim sulking mode today so doubt he would be much up to taking care of her.

He came back home this morning to see DD, he has been sulking giving me one word answers, then when I ask what’s the matter he complains that I can’t just chill in silence and that I don’t understand how exhausted he is and how tough his job is. He is most likely feeling tired but he Hasn’t asked about my week or my job (I work for myself full time too)

This is the most pathetic thing I've read ever. He can't take care of his child because he's sulking? What the fuck are you doing staying with this manchild. He is utterly useless and you just let it fly. Unbelievable.
Go into the room, hand over baby, go do something for yourself.
Stop pandering to him, start getting tough, so being an apologist when you know you're in the right.

I don't think it's even 'just' an affair. Sounds like he's shagging around, living the single life.

Yes, it's obvious.

It’s a lot easier to comment on mumsnet - then it is to practically handle a situation like this when you’ve been so gaslit and called so many names such as spoilt and high maintenance; it massively messes with your head. Pp described this behaviour as stonewalling , and ive looked into this further and I think he’s a narcissistic stonewalling me; meaning that he intentionally shuts off any conversation related to emotions and says I’m overreacting. If I comment on his silent treatment he tells me He’s tired and I’m being unreasonable - again , without experiencing this situation yourself it’s really hard for people to relate to what this does to you.

I can see why reading the thread may frustrate or make you feel like I’m not taking action soon enough; I’m trying to decide what to do and how as soon as I can with the least negative impact on my DD.

@Almostfamous29 of course but I've been in this position before and to stop you wasting your time, being treated like a doormat by a man who clearly doesn't love you and can't be arsed looking after his child. Is very likely shagging around, taking drugs and God knows what else...you shouldn't waste your time on it.

I promise you, OP, a lot of us have lived through similar relationships and the awfulness of it ... the dawning relation that you're with a someone you barely recognise any more, an actor, an ego on legs, a liar, a terrible father.

What help do you need?

I can remember when my DS was a few months old, dog-tired, barely any sleep and EXH coming home from working away. I remember looking at him as he walked through the door and in the haze of zero sleep thinking "Oh he's slept with someone else" and then dismissing it as tired paranoia.
Only it turned out it wasn't paranoia and it was my gut feeling kicking in. You felt that shift too OP. Something is different. Your DD will cope with the change. DC are so resilient. Look out for your and her now.

OP could you get counselling for yourself? To get some support and get your side bolstered and back to your normal self?
The other side of this is that the emotional abusive person's behaviour makes you feel paralysed and neutralised. You just feel a dead weight of 'nothing' and I get that.
That is part of the dynamic, it's not 'you' that is weak or powerless. All that will come back to you when you can get free of the dynamic.
The dynamic is that you are putting your needs aside and numbing your own feelings. I bet when he leaves the house you then can sometimes feel the tsunami of rage that is suppressed when he is there.
It's a learned pattern of response that you have developed. Where men are listened to and pandered to, and women are bystanders who soothe feelings and listen. Where anger in a man is met with passivity and the woman absorbs the man's feelings to stop the impact (and protect her children from his angry feelings).
The man then starts acting more like this the more he is allowed to. He 'dumps' his feelings on the woman because she has provided herself as a container for that. Just like a mother with a toddler. She allows him to kick her on the shins and excuses it because he's 'only' a baby who can't manage his feelings.
Your mother probably did the same with your Dad. So this didn't start with you. But you can unlearn it.
Before you had kids you were much more 'equal' but the development of the relationship and the addition of a child brings people back to their childhood patterns of responding. So you start 'mothering' your husband.
You feel stuck. You feel like you can't move. You feel like the air in your house is a thick treacle stuff you cannot move in.
You are doing your best and you need to start looking at your role in this because things won't change unless your side shifts as well.

God, he sounds fucking abysmal, what a nasty waste of your love, time and kindness OP.

Start making plans.

Dh, I'm going to leave you alone today with dd because I don't want it to come as too much of a shock when you look after her after we are divorced.

@PhillipPhillop has got it perfectly. I'd leave them playing and go upstairs and pack what you need for a week away. If you can bare it. I'd use that week to see a lawyer , get the house valued and find a rental near your family. If my DH acted like this I'd know he was screwing away and justifying it by gaslighting me.

Your right @Almostfamous29 it is very much easier to comment on mn than to deal with things like this on a daily basis. In my experience of mn though the op has usually been dealing with crap like this for a long time and is starting to seek out validation that their feelings are correct, that something about this situation isn’t right and they are not being treated well.

Your feelings are absolutely spot on, he’s treating you like an employee, a nanny who is responsible for parading the dc for his approval so he looks good then gets back to her quarters.

The question is what do you want to do next? It’s impossibly difficult if he refuses to engage with you. But you definitely need to take some time for you to process all of this. It may take several repeats of this weekend before you are ready but in the meantime what is your support network like? Do you have family near by is there anyone in real life you can confide in.

To be honest the change on behaviour and lack of affection on returning home is a red flag that he's been naughty whilst he's been away.....the storming off to the hotel....even bigger red flag

So he has you where he wants you. Too afraid to do what is best as he will dangle the fact he won't look after your child properly in front of you.
Posters on here do get it, many have been through the same thing.
You are in a state of disbelief because you wrongly assume your dh will do the right thing, thanks us just a blip. However it isn't is it. One of two things will happen;

1. You will learn to stfu and get back in your box then your dh will be happy again as he can play happy families whilst living the single life. Your child will learn that this is how relationships work. She will grow up with your relationship as her model for how a woman behaves.
2. you will put your foot down, your dh will sulk, rebel. You will put your foot down more and either leave and never look back enjoying the rest of your new life, or your dh will learn to become a better husband and father.

Think about the impact on your daughter in the future, seeing her dad walk out whenever you disagree, or seeing you downtrodden and silent to avoid him walking out. Either way it's not a good blueprint to give her for relationships. I grew up seeing a really dysfunctional relationship from my parents and made some terrible choices in partner myself. I'm single now and working through my issues but genuinely can't see me ever having a healthy functioning relationship.

As he's not speaking, place a note on his lap saying you are off to a hotel for some sleep. He sounds emotionally unavailable to you

@Almostfamous29

It’s a lot easier to comment on mumsnet - then it is to practically handle a situation like this when you’ve been so gaslit and called so many names such as spoilt and high maintenance; it massively messes with your head. Pp described this behaviour as stonewalling , and ive looked into this further and I think he’s a narcissistic stonewalling me; meaning that he intentionally shuts off any conversation related to emotions and says I’m overreacting. If I comment on his silent treatment he tells me He’s tired and I’m being unreasonable - again , without experiencing this situation yourself it’s really hard for people to relate to what this does to you.

I can see why reading the thread may frustrate or make you feel like I’m not taking action soon enough; I’m trying to decide what to do and how as soon as I can with the least negative impact on my DD.

You are so right. Which is why I don't want you to have to take YEARS to get rid of the twatty self-obsessed arse like I did. Mine was music not film but it was the same, down to disappearing off, drugs, young women around, not talking. Blah blah blah.

I know it's hard but that's why so many of us wasted so long. The sheer relief when it's was over, I can't tell you.

@Almostfamous29
That is an excellent post

When somebody asked last night if the OP is wasting people’s time on this thread that is precisely what the required response was

I can see why you wouldn't want to see a divorce lawyer but imv it's very difficult to discuss how you feel and the future when you don't really know what the future might hold.
If you speak to a solicitor and find out how things would be shared if you separated, how you would manage financially on your own etc you are then in a calmer and less anxiety provoking situation to discuss things with DH. And you can even say 'perhaps we should separate' (and also remind him he will have DD for 50:50) - So often men seem to be allowed to leave and dump all the DC responsibility with the DW, it makes leaving so much more tempting. So remind him of his DD which would greatly cramp his style .

@Quincie

I can see why you wouldn't want to see a divorce lawyer but imv it's very difficult to discuss how you feel and the future when you don't really know what the future might hold. If you speak to a solicitor and find out how things would be shared if you separated, how you would manage financially on your own etc you are then in a calmer and less anxiety provoking situation to discuss things with DH. And you can even say 'perhaps we should separate' (and also remind him he will have DD for 50:50) - So often men seem to be allowed to leave and dump all the DC responsibility with the DW, it makes leaving so much more tempting. So remind him of his DD which would greatly cramp his style .

FFS

An abusive alcoholic doesn’t get and shouldn’t EVER get 50:50

Abuse is a serious situation
There are a great many examples of abuse here

He is a vile scum bag who doesn’t give a shit about his kids
You don’t get to the point where these mind games about picking up the real work make any difference

@Quincie
Apologies I got two threads mixed up 🙈

I used to work in the same kind of industry as your partner and knew of so many people having emotional as well as actual affairs. This type of job throws you together with your colleagues in intense but also very exciting situations. The outside world seems very dull in comparison. I was a single person throughout my career and gave my whole life to it but my married friends often struggled with the work and home balance. Sadly there were so many affairs going on as I’ve said. There were so many opportunities for unfaithfulness. I am so sorry but it sounds as if your partner just doesn’t want to ‘come down’ from the high that this job gives him.

@Almostfamous29 I’m trying to decide what to do and how as soon as I can with the least negative impact on my DD.

That sounds wise. I hope everything works out well for you and your DD.

How are you, op?

Are you being completely honest with youtself op?

This clearly isn’t the first time he’s treated you terribly. Yet you were the one all excited to see him. You were the one hurt. He’s not remotely interested in you and doesn’t care if he hurts you. He doesn’t even want to acknowledge you in front of others . You say you’re trying to work out what to do, but is it really you don’t want to do anything?

He sounds a selfish arsehole going off to the hotel