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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

felt invisible when my husband came home

152 replies

Almostfamous29 · 08/05/2021 21:20

My husband came home tonight from a 6 day work trip, and I'd been excited to see him. i've been caring for our 1 year old daughter alone while he was away, which as you know if you're a parent is tiring.

When he came home he ran to say hello to our daughter to hug and play with her (understandably he hadnt seen her in 6 days) but It took my husband around 6/7 minutes of being home before he looked at me or properly said hello to me, and did so by squeezing my shoulder and saying 'how are you, you alright' rather than giving me a proper hug and kiss.

Perhaps this may make me sound overly sensitive or insecure but in that moment i just felt completely invisible and also disrespected. It is hard work looking after a baby alone for so long. I cant imagine if it were the other way round not greeting both him and my daughter with love and a big hug if I came home from a work trip.

Extra details are that during this 6 mins, his work crew were all outside our house and he was out speaking with them while they waited for their taxis to arrive to take them home. I feel like if they hadn't been there he'd have greeted me with more warmth.

As I type this it all sounds really childish but something just feels hurtful, no matter how secure a person is, by being ignored by your partner when you've not seen them for so long.

Aibu to feel a bit hurt by this?

OP posts:

Onlinedilema · 09/05/2021 08:38

This isn’t good.
Your dh storms off to stay in a hotel regularly instead of being with you and his baby.
Well if he is having an affair with his work colleague, his story of only being with you for the sake if his child would look genuine to her. She sees him cuddle his child, blank his wife, then books into a hotel.
This is not a great relationship by any standards.

messybun101 · 09/05/2021 08:41

I'm also wondering how you're feeling this morning op? I can't imagine you got as good a sleep as he probably did...

just stop apologising for having perfectly normal feelings

I agree. I also think the point needs to be made to him that whilst it is lovely he wanted to say hello to his dd who he must have missed for 6 days, but why then did he leave her again?
And why does he leave her, and you, so often?

It isn't normal to fuck off to a hotel when you don't want to have a conversation.

minniemomo · 09/05/2021 08:44

Sorry but get used to this, once kids can run and talk it gets worse until they reach puberty, then the shoe is on the other foot when they won't come out of their room or take their headphones off when their dad returns from 3 months away...

Once you have kids the pecking order changes

siestalady · 09/05/2021 08:48

@minniemomo

Once you have kids the pecking order changes

Maybe read all the OP's updates before jumping in with advice like this

minniemomo · 09/05/2021 08:49

The hotel thing sounds very disproportionate, I'm guessing it was a major row?

minniemomo · 09/05/2021 08:54

@siestalady

Because it sounds like op started a row over nothing. They obviously have a relationship where storming off to a hotel is a thing to do pre kids. There is definitely jealousy or insecurity.

My exh travelled a lot and would be with younger single female colleagues often. A squeeze on the shoulder and attention diverted to his dc sounds completely normal (and right) to me. Complaining that I didn't get affection before dc sounds like being a spoilt brat, kids come first!

Temp023 · 09/05/2021 08:56

I hate to mention the C word, but how has he been finding hotels to stay in in the last year? Are you sure that’s where he’s been going OP?
Unless you aren’t in the U.K. ?

messybun101 · 09/05/2021 08:58

Sorry but get used to this

What?? Get used to this are you kidding??
Fuck. No. Do not get used to this op. Terrible advice

messybun101 · 09/05/2021 08:59

[quote minniemomo]@siestalady

Because it sounds like op started a row over nothing. They obviously have a relationship where storming off to a hotel is a thing to do pre kids. There is definitely jealousy or insecurity.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/05/2021 09:15

"All my family live far away and his family are our main support - so I am in a vulnerable position"

Whose idea was it to move far away from your family, his I suppose. And you cannot rely on his family either to support you as their loyalty is with their son anyway.

Your above comment is likely why you've come to normalise this crappy behaviour from him. You are married to this man however, and therefore have rights in law. Exercise those fully and seek legal advice asap re divorce.

What do you want to teach your DD about relationships and what is she learning here?. You would not want her as an adult to have this sort of relationship and its not good enough for you either.

4PawsGood · 09/05/2021 09:23

Re his family being the main support, you know you could move if it was just you and your DD?

Chilver · 09/05/2021 09:28

He did something with another woman whilst away, or wanted to, and its easier to reconcile it in his head by you 'being unreasonable' so that justified him going to stay in a hotel. And the fact he does this regularly is manipulative as he is shutting you down leaving you with no voice or opinion due to the threat that if you voice anything he will just check out of his married life and check into a hotel.

Not OK behaviour at all, even taking aside the thought that he is cheating, or is planning to.

Faevern · 09/05/2021 09:32

Everyone’s normal is different. If my DP came in from work and squeezed my shoulder I would be wtf am I your nana? And he doesn’t work away, but we are tactile and kiss a lot.

The hotel thing is an overreaction but also seems to be your normal. I can understand someone needing some space but coupled with the partying it is more than that.

If I said I wanted more attention my DP would not go and stay in a hotel as that is the opposite to what I need. We all form habits and his seems to be to run away and ignore you until you give in.

Grandbisou · 09/05/2021 09:33

Why are you putting up with this crap op?
You are doing all the parenting while he’s living the batchelor life and looks like having an affair too ( think pp was spot on that he didn’t want to show you affection in front of woman colleague)
So he missed his dd so much he took off at the first opportunity?! He’s spending family money on constantly booking hotels, rather than dealing with disagreements as any normal adult and parent would? Is he even at a hotel or is he with this woman?
Do some digging, get your affairs in order and plan your escape. He sounds awful.

Faevern · 09/05/2021 09:33

Has he been using work as an excuse to stay in a hotel during lockdown, where is he staying?

Original poster

Almostfamous29 · 09/05/2021 09:53

him coming home and not engaging or giving me any eye contact was very strange and felt like a massive shift to how he was before he left

It definitely felt like he was coming home having bonded heavily with these girls and was distancing himself from me subconsciously in front of them. I vocalised what I felt I’d experienced and his reaction was that Im a spoilt brat and high maintenance which tbh feels like gas lighting.

All those whose advice has been straight to find a divorce lawyer - there’s definitely a step before that which is speaking to him about him storming off to hotels and how We need to find a healthy way to discuss our feelings, but he will most likely tell me I’m overthinking or creating drama, then storm off to a hotel again. So stuck.

OP posts:

inigomontoyahwillcox · 09/05/2021 09:55

Alarm bells ringing all over the place. You're clearly way down the line of priorities on his list, he's kicking off at the first sign of an issue (e.g. you trying to talk to him about why you're upset), he's using these occasions to leave the house overnight (to a hotel ... so he says) and has regular work trips with his female assistant (which would not be a problem if it wasn't for all the other ridiculous behaviour).

Very difficult with a little one I know, but the next time this happens is there a way you can check he's gone where he says he has, and is on his own? I mean, even if he has and he is, his behaviour is unreasonable, and I'd suggest broaching the subject (when you're both in a better place) from the angle of just wanting to understand what's been going on and see how you both can resolve the situation going forwards (not suggesting you've got any part to play, just coming up with wording to reduce the chance of him jumping on the immediate defensive and running off to a hotel again).

inigomontoyahwillcox · 09/05/2021 09:56

Sorry x posted - seems you're already going to do what I suggested.

Topseyt · 09/05/2021 10:03

@minniemomo

Once you have kids the pecking order changes

What a load of irrelevant bollocks, and I've had three teenagers!! Also, your ex-husband is an ex for a reason.

OP, your husband is behaving like a complete twat, whatever the reason. Stop apologising for having perfectly reasonable feelings and expectations.

This time when he returns I'd be tempted to inform him that if he continues to behave in this way then the next time he flounces off in a state of such high dudgeon he can stay gone and you will initiate divorce proceedings.

81Byerley · 09/05/2021 10:08

Let's put it this way, I don't see much of a future for you as a couple.

Topseyt · 09/05/2021 10:09

Do you know which hotel he is supposedly stays in? Can you prove that he is definitely there?

Give the hotel a call and ask to be put through to his room as you need to talk to him about his child. If they say there is nobody of that name there then that might tell you something.

KinseyWinsey · 09/05/2021 10:11

Well you're not stuck really.

You predict he'll storm off to a hotel again. So let him. And start divorce proceedings.

You'll get bored of it soon enough not least because it's so predictable.

He sounds like he doesn't want to discuss any feelings with you. Because he's been with someone else.

It is the classic behaviour of someone who is unfaithful - picking fights over nothing, detaching and refusing to engage emotionally.

Grandbisou · 09/05/2021 10:14

Why don’t you check he went to the hotel and check his phone when he’s back. Something is going on here. Wouldn’t normally advocate snooping but his behaviour warrants it

billy1966 · 09/05/2021 10:23

You are not stuck OP.

You have accepted being treated very poorly by a controlling pig.

Every time you express an opinion he runs out the door for a night in a hotel.

If you think that is normal then you have very low standards.

I would put money on him having been unfaithful to you.

He was making it very clear to his audience that ye are not close.

Start looking at moving home with your child and save yourself time and heartbreak.

Your marriage is NEVER going to survive.

It will limp along until HE makes a final decision to leave.

He isn't faithful nor decent.

You are lying to yourself if you think otherwise.

Get organised and get out.

Move home to your family where you will have support.

Lipz · 09/05/2021 10:23

He's having an affair. The signs are all there. Everything about his behaviour and the things he is doing is a person having an affair. Anyone who has had an affair or had a cheating partner will recognise these signs immediately.

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