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Original poster

felt invisible when my husband came home

152 replies

Almostfamous29 · 08/05/2021 21:20

My husband came home tonight from a 6 day work trip, and I'd been excited to see him. i've been caring for our 1 year old daughter alone while he was away, which as you know if you're a parent is tiring.

When he came home he ran to say hello to our daughter to hug and play with her (understandably he hadnt seen her in 6 days) but It took my husband around 6/7 minutes of being home before he looked at me or properly said hello to me, and did so by squeezing my shoulder and saying 'how are you, you alright' rather than giving me a proper hug and kiss.

Perhaps this may make me sound overly sensitive or insecure but in that moment i just felt completely invisible and also disrespected. It is hard work looking after a baby alone for so long. I cant imagine if it were the other way round not greeting both him and my daughter with love and a big hug if I came home from a work trip.

Extra details are that during this 6 mins, his work crew were all outside our house and he was out speaking with them while they waited for their taxis to arrive to take them home. I feel like if they hadn't been there he'd have greeted me with more warmth.

As I type this it all sounds really childish but something just feels hurtful, no matter how secure a person is, by being ignored by your partner when you've not seen them for so long.

Aibu to feel a bit hurt by this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Almostfamous29 · 08/05/2021 23:04

It hasn’t happened for a few months; but yes since our baby came he’s probably ended about a dozen arguments by saying ‘I’m booking a hotel’ and leaving, and then will give me the silent treatment the next day until I apologise for the sake of clearing the air and not having a fallout around our baby.
We never have loud fights or angry rows, because he always just leaves the house to sleep in a hotel if ever he feels uncomfortable.

OP posts:
MadMadMadamMim · 08/05/2021 23:07

My suggestion is that you find a good solicitor and file for divorce.

He's emotionally abusive and your marriage is not working.

Coldbatteredpuddings · 08/05/2021 23:07

He sounds like a complete dickhead.
You are not being unreasonable. You should be able to tell your husband when you feel hurt by his actions without being disregarded and called names.
And anyway, by storming off to a hotel because you said something he didn't like, he is behaving like a manipulative, high maintenance spoiled brat himself.

Cocksinsocks · 08/05/2021 23:07

You need couples counselling op. That sounds fucked

loveyourself2020 · 08/05/2021 23:09

I am sorry to say this, but you have much bigger problem here than not being noticed by your DH once when he came home from work. The way he deals with issues is unhealthy and unless you address it right away (it seems to me that you are a young couple), this is going to get bigger and bigger and eventually both destroy your relationship as well as drive you crazy. This speaking from my own very similar experience.

Sunflower1970 · 08/05/2021 23:10

You two sound like hard work if I’m honest

Nickynackynooo · 08/05/2021 23:11

Mmmm I would definitely floundering off next time you have an argument and leave him to the baby and their needs

Oceanbliss · 08/05/2021 23:12

@Almostfamous29 Flowers I think that Morechocolatethanbarbara might be onto something.

HollowTalk · 08/05/2021 23:12

Oh god, you've got yourself involved with a complete knobhead. Sounds to me as though he is sort of showing off to his young friends and colleagues even if they are not in the house.

While I would encourage any woman to take herself off to a hotel if she is being disrespected, the idea of him going off to a hotel in the circumstances is just ridiculous. How can you respect him at all?

Coldbatteredpuddings · 08/05/2021 23:13

Your baby is 1 and he's done this a dozen times since she was born? Wow! This is no way for you or your baby to live.

Quartz2208 · 08/05/2021 23:14

@Almostfamous29

It hasn’t happened for a few months; but yes since our baby came he’s probably ended about a dozen arguments by saying ‘I’m booking a hotel’ and leaving, and then will give me the silent treatment the next day until I apologise for the sake of clearing the air and not having a fallout around our baby. We never have loud fights or angry rows, because he always just leaves the house to sleep in a hotel if ever he feels uncomfortable.
This sounds awful he is stopping you having an opinion. Have you somewhere to go tomorrow
Cheeseandlobster · 08/05/2021 23:20

This is utterly shit and selfish op. It makes me wonder if he is actually behaving badly to engineer an argument so he can go to a hotel. A nice man would reassure you, not do this. You sound lovely and deserve much better than what you are having to put up with. Do you have much rl support?

Mydogmylife · 08/05/2021 23:20

@Almostfamous29

I should mention that normally we are very affectionate which is a token of how we show love / affection. When I told him I felt a bit invisible after he didn’t even say hello to me he told me I’m being a spoilt brat and high maintenance - and he’s now gone to sleep in a hotel for the night
Right, up until now I was a bit get over yourself it was only a week etc, but this taking himself off to a hotel makes him a complete dick
Lockeddown88 · 08/05/2021 23:21

At first, I thought you were over reacting. You had all night to make up for the affection. He was also probably tired and keen to just get in his comfies and start relaxing.

However, to leave and go stay in a hotel - WTF! That is not normal! The only time I can think that would be appropriate is if one party had just found out the other had an affair and kicked them out. I literally can’t think of any other reason that would be ok.

Original poster
Almostfamous29 · 08/05/2021 23:22

I think I’ve just normalised the behaviour so much re the storming off to the hotel that it’s only sharing it here do I remember how unhealthy and disproportionate that is. And manipulative.

Regarding the experience since my daughter was born, it was much worse before. Last summer he was out partying most weekend when she was 3/4 months old and I was left to look after her.

a poster above put it perfectly when they said it felt like he was showing off to his younger colleagues, it just left me feeling like this invisible person

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 08/05/2021 23:22

Quite frankly, anyone who expected me to apologise because he was giving me the silent treatment and going off to a hotel would be waiting a very very long time.

Oceanbliss · 08/05/2021 23:24

It seems to me that he manufactured an issue or pretend argument that would give him an excuse to leave and stay in a hotel.

If this has started since baby came along it’s probably because he doesn’t like the hard work side of parenting. Sorry Op but he’s not being a good partner to you and you deserve better.

I’m not sure what advice to give. Just know that you absolutely do deserve to be treated better than that.

HollowTalk · 08/05/2021 23:26

Bear in mind the showing off is often associated with a new love interest. Just warning you.

Original poster
Almostfamous29 · 08/05/2021 23:32

Yea he was most likely trying to impress his younger colleagues including his younger female assistant, and his defensive reaction to me bringing up him not saying hello to me, was so dismissive and defensive because there was truth to it

He’s become quite an arrogant and vain person and will be showing off in front of her and the other two younger colleagues who were with him - if I said that to him, he would spin it around to calling me jealous. Gaslighting I know

OP posts:
PickAChew · 08/05/2021 23:36

Any decent husband would want to impress their colleagues by treating you with respect.

Cheeseandlobster · 08/05/2021 23:40

I bet his colleagues think he is an arse too. If I witnessed my male (or female) colleague treating their partner this way I would be far from impressed. People will have talked and not about how wonderful he is. Actually it shows a huge lack of social awareness
I ask you again. How much RL support do you have?

HollowTalk · 08/05/2021 23:42

It's ridiculous really that they show off by making themselves look like a complete twat.

Mermaidwaves · 08/05/2021 23:43

Are you sure he's actually at a hotel? Has he proven this? It seems very odd he stays at hotels if you've had a row, especially in pandemic times.

Japanesejazz · 08/05/2021 23:49

He fucked someone else while he was away
Time to put your children and yourself first

LouiseTrees · 08/05/2021 23:50

@Almostfamous29

Yea he was most likely trying to impress his younger colleagues including his younger female assistant, and his defensive reaction to me bringing up him not saying hello to me, was so dismissive and defensive because there was truth to it

He’s become quite an arrogant and vain person and will be showing off in front of her and the other two younger colleagues who were with him - if I said that to him, he would spin it around to calling me jealous. Gaslighting I know

Oh the younger female assistant ... ding ding ding. And how is he around his phone?
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