Would this make you feel you rubbish?

[Greyisthenewpink]

Let me prefix this by saying I know this is largely my own fault.

When we had dc1 we agreed that I would be a sahm - we could afford it as a family and DH has always been away a lot on business. It made sense for both of us that I would be on hand because basically he wasn’t going to give any input into raising the dc. We then had the second dc.
I’ve never had any access to any joint account and I have no savings in my name (used them over the years) and I’ve no pension.
DH has always given me a set amount every month that’s for me and the dc. It’s £600. I use that for whatever they need, plus some of my own personal bills such as phone and car stuff - usually after I’ve paid for petrol (mainly goes on school runs) and some of the day to day shopping expenses and my phone etc I’m left with about £300.
Out of that I pay for the dc’s clothes and because I have them with me any activities or days out etc. It sounds a lot and I’m prepared to be told I’m spoilt but it doesn’t go that far. Especially in school holidays.
However when we are on holiday with DH or on the very occasional day out he accompanies us on he will pay but he never wants to actually get up and pay for anything so he gives me his card and whilst I should be grateful it makes me feel like a child. So if we go for a meal or something he’ll say - here’s my card.
Occasionally he’ll bestow something on me like a new coat or something but I can only really afford it if he says I can have it. He has a LOT more disposable income than me (mortgage free, basic salary of 90k plus bonuses and various other investments) but then he earns it.
I have no gone back to work now my youngest is in pre school, covid has slowed me down a bit in terms of finding something, I will still have a lot less money than him but he’s agreed I can still have the £600 a month as long as I pay for the all the childcare out of my money too which seems fair.
But I’m left with sort of a sense of unease. It’s my fault for being financially dependent on someone else. I’ve found my confidence has taken a real blow, all the decisions have been his because he has all the money. When he travelled I worried about things like the car breaking down or the boiler breaking because I had no access to any money should that happen. I mean if I’d called him he’d have probably transferred me the money but having nothing has made me feel really anxious.
This will pass won’t it? I should know have about £1200 a month after I’ve paid for childcare and it’ll be so much better.

I wouldn’t phone women’s aid because I don’t feel it qualifies as abuse really. I mean we used to go on holiday two or three times a year (pre covid) that’s well off and fortunate.
I think for me, it’s to do with how it makes me feel, that it makes me feel small and like a child.

It’s the ‘take my card’ and the having to put him on to ok a purchase, the fact that he blocks the card randomly without saying even though he knows I put the online food shopping on it and I have to ask him to unblock it - sometimes Sainsbury’s phone and say we can’t take payment and then I have to call him if I’m out or he’s out and sort out the card and then call Sainsbury’s back and they won’t talk to me because I’m not the card holder and it just makes me 😬
He says he blocks it to stop himself spending on it online. The only things I put on it are ds’s dinners and some of the food shopping that’s done online.

But I don’t recognise him as an abuser as some of the posts here say, I can’t believe it’s that calculated. I think it’s just that he sees it as his and thinks he’s generous.

greyisthenewpink

re your comment:-

"I wouldn’t phone women’s aid because I don’t feel it qualifies as abuse really. I mean we used to go on holiday two or three times a year (pre covid) that’s well off and fortunate".

Going on holiday 2-3 a year is irrelevant and he most certainly chooses the destination. You're not fortunate here at all. What happened to you as a person here, he has really done a right number on you hasn't he?. What were you like before you met him?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

"I think for me, it’s to do with how it makes me feel, that it makes me feel small and like a child".
His controlling of you makes you feel small and that control stems from wanting absolute power and control over you all as his family unit. He sees all of you really as possessions, there is no respect for you as his wife and none for his kids either. The reason he gives you for stopping his card is an outright lie as well, its all designed to keep you coerced and feeling trapped.

What is your definition of abuse and abusive behaviour?. Abuse also is not just solely physical in nature.

Where do you see yourself in say six months time; still with him?.

"But I don’t recognise him as an abuser as some of the posts here say, I can’t believe it’s that calculated".

Denial as well is a powerful force and you seem mired in denial and/or not wanting to believe that he could and indeed has hurt you all like he has done.

Sadly it absolutely is that calculated. His behaviour re his own bank card is calculated and designed to both embarrass and make you feel ashamed. He does this because he can and it works for him. You wrote also that his father behaves similarly.

So much of what you say gives things away.

Things like: 'he thinks he is generous'

It's not about generosity. He is not bestowing money on a friend or a charity. He is supposed to be supporting the lifestyle of his family. The family he is supposed to be a part of. Even the law sees his money as a joint asset. The person who doesn't is him - and him alone.

The fact that you are uncomfortable bringing this up with him is telling.

Even if a couple had made this agreement on the grounds that they thought it would work well and that the money you have to live on would
be enough, the minute you are having to ask for extra for coats or food or days out, there would be a conversation which would go like this:

'That £600 in my account isn't enough. I'm having to borrow from my parents and I can't buy one off purchased without asking you. It makes me feel really uncomfortable. Can we increase it to an amount that covers everything? Say £1000?

'Yeah. Of course. If you need the money and the children need the money then I'll change the standing order. No problem. We have enough.'

Not

'What the hell are you spending all that money on? Show me the receipts? Did you really need to buy those ice creams for the children. What are you doing with my money?'

That would only be acceptable if you were on a tight budget and scrabbling for money. You, as a family, are not.

It is abuse. Can you tell him that?

You are in massive denial and no one can help ýou until you want to help yourself OP.

Your husband's behaviour is the very definition of abuse.

Humiliation.
Control.
Manipulation.

You have asked a question and you have gotten firm, clear answers.

You disagree with all the people on here that are telling you this is not right.

You have to live it, not us.

If you think this is what a loving, happy, respectful marriage looks like and you are happy to have sex with a pig that treats you like that.
Fair enough.
Your choice.

God help your children growing up in such dysfunction.

He IS financially abusive. He is controlling you via money. His card. His earnings. Rubbing it in by sending you off to pay. It's so horrible.

Going on holiday means nothing. If he were physically abusive, would taking you on a nice holiday mean his treatment of you was ok? And look at how he's made you feel about yourself. Look back over this thread and see how many times you've said you feel humiliated and powerless. Maybe you'd be financially worse off without him, maybe not. But you wouldn't have to feel like that anymore. You're meant to be jointly raising a family together and that clearly isn't happening here.

Please call woman's aid even if it's just to get their opinion on whether it is financial abuse. Just ask them the question.

It makes my blood run cold reading your posts. I think you should go back and look at all the replies and have a good hard think about it. A well-off man not willing to pay for his own kids' food or shoes, and you think you're lucky and it's not abuse? Please speak to your parents or a friend. It's horrendous.

@Greyisthenewpink

I wouldn’t phone women’s aid because I don’t feel it qualifies as abuse really. I mean we used to go on holiday two or three times a year (pre covid) that’s well off and fortunate. I think for me, it’s to do with how it makes me feel, that it makes me feel small and like a child.

Do you think abusers never go on holiday?

The way he behaves, and the way that makes you feel, makes this abuse. The nonsense with the bank card is deliberate. The sensible thing to do would be to ads you to the account so that you can buy food for your children without having to call him at work.

He's making you jump through hoops to buy groceries. Does that sound normal?

This post is horrible OP. You are being controlled and financially abused. I think he'll find he'd have to give you a bit more than £600 of you split up.
The childcare should be 50/50 because they are half his children.
How can you not feel sick every time you use 'his ' card and you don't know if the payment will go through.
Have a honest conversation and if he doesn't change , leave.

This is dreadful. He’s on 90k plus bonus and you want to use your birthday money to buy children’s shoes. I could weep. Randomly blocking his card to mess with you? Awful. You are underreacting - he is being dreadful.

Thank god you’ve got a job now. SO important

So you get £7k a year to cover all DC costs and yourself, and he has a spare £30k a year after paying for what he needs to? Are you joking?

Leave, you’ll be better off and won’t be treated like a servant any more.

This is awful op. He’s liking the fact that he’s ‘in charge’ of your spending, whilst being careful that you have no idea of his. I’m curious - does his position at work entail him being top dog? Is he bringing his work home with him?
I’ve just seen something similar with a friend of mine. He treated her like he did his staff. Occasionally he ‘rewarded’ her but never let her get too comfortable or big for her boots by making her equal.

So you don't agree it's abuse, ok.

When your husband is not away on business and you go out for coffee with friends whilst he's at home with your kids, do you chat about this with them? What do they say?

When he's not away with work, how often does he, for example, say 'you have a lie-in in the morning, I'll get up with the kids and do their breakfast'? Or 'have a sit down, I'll put the kids to bed tonight'?

@iknowimcoming

So you don't agree it's abuse, ok.

When your husband is not away on business and you go out for coffee with friends whilst he's at home with your kids, do you chat about this with them? What do they say?

When he's not away with work, how often does he, for example, say 'you have a lie-in in the morning, I'll get up with the kids and do their breakfast'? Or 'have a sit down, I'll put the kids to bed tonight'?

I think just as telling is the response to: 'asking you for money all the time makes me feel small and humiliated.'

Surely, a partner who cares would be horrified and find ways to share the money so she doesn't feel like that?

The fact you don't even feel able to bring it up speaks volumes.

This isn't how healthy partnerships work. At all. If he cares and is well able to make things better for you, OP, then why isn't he?

It’s definitely abuse. He randomly blocks the card on you? So you have to cancel school lunches for your children? While he’s rolling in it? I can’t believe you expected to be told you should be grateful. You should be grateful you have lovely children and then you should either change the way home life works or get out. Why don’t you go see a lawyer just to help you understand how the law regards his assets? He must have good pensions as well as the house and you’d get half as a minimum. I think you should try and tell him how you feel but preferably in counselling as I don’t trust him to listen without a third party. Sit there with someone to support and say you feel controlled, powerless and like he wanted you to take on this role for your family, he certainly didn’t want to do it himself and then he treated you and the dc like shit for all your love and trouble. He begrudged money while rolling in it, buys himself nice things while you wait for your birthday for lipstick and your children wait for coats or shoes. You feel like he doesn’t love them or you because it is not possible that someone who did love their children or love and value their wife would do this.

I just wish he’d tell me when he blocks the card. I only put the shopping and the meals on it, I don’t spend on it randomly or anything. He says it’s because he keeps ordering himself things. But tbh he only has to unblock the card anyway, which he does every time he wants something, so I don’t really understand that argument.

You are focusing on the wrong things here, OP.

This arrangement doesn't work for you. Not in terms of the practicality of paying for things and being unable to access funds, or needing him on the phone to authorise payments.

It is not working emotionally for you, because you have to worry about money and going cap in hand.

So talk to him and get him to change things.

If you don't want to have that conversation, why don't you?

If you think he'll be difficult, why would he be?

@lifeissweet - 100% agree with you and your posts - I just thought maybe the OP could look at others aspects of their 'relationship' since she can't see the financial abuse for what it is. I'd bet my lunch that the op has very few friends if any, no social life (unless it's with him), never gets any time away from the kids, and her twatty husband has never been alone with his children.

OP what do your parents think when you go out with them and you struggle to pay for things, have they made comments about this before?

Also how much is your husband away from home? If you don't mind me asking?

How much does he do for his children?

How much does he do in the home?

His fair share?

Of fxxk all?

Are you comfortable asking him to do his fair share, to pitch in?

Does he cook and clean up?

Or are you full time skivvy as well?

@Greyisthenewpink

I just wish he’d tell me when he blocks the card. I only put the shopping and the meals on it, I don’t spend on it randomly or anything. He says it’s because he keeps ordering himself things. But tbh he only has to unblock the card anyway, which he does every time he wants something, so I don’t really understand that argument.

That's because it doesn't make sense because it isn't true.

He does it to block you using the card, not to block himself using it. As you say, that would be totally non sensical and as someone who earns what he earns he is presumably clued up enough to know that.

Call womens aid. They will tell you if they don't think it qualifies as abuse, but just as everyone on here can see it clearly - so will they. You need support and someone to help you see more clearly instead of feeling lucky just because you have holidays.

Do you not think women with well off husbands can be abused? That they might have holidays loads of times a year but be humiliated and manipulated too? Money doesn't stop abuse, it's just another way of being abusive.

OP this is truly appalling. m
Whats worse is you cannot even see it.

Your poor children will believe this is normal.