Would this make you feel you rubbish?

[Greyisthenewpink]

Let me prefix this by saying I know this is largely my own fault.

When we had dc1 we agreed that I would be a sahm - we could afford it as a family and DH has always been away a lot on business. It made sense for both of us that I would be on hand because basically he wasn’t going to give any input into raising the dc. We then had the second dc.
I’ve never had any access to any joint account and I have no savings in my name (used them over the years) and I’ve no pension.
DH has always given me a set amount every month that’s for me and the dc. It’s £600. I use that for whatever they need, plus some of my own personal bills such as phone and car stuff - usually after I’ve paid for petrol (mainly goes on school runs) and some of the day to day shopping expenses and my phone etc I’m left with about £300.
Out of that I pay for the dc’s clothes and because I have them with me any activities or days out etc. It sounds a lot and I’m prepared to be told I’m spoilt but it doesn’t go that far. Especially in school holidays.
However when we are on holiday with DH or on the very occasional day out he accompanies us on he will pay but he never wants to actually get up and pay for anything so he gives me his card and whilst I should be grateful it makes me feel like a child. So if we go for a meal or something he’ll say - here’s my card.
Occasionally he’ll bestow something on me like a new coat or something but I can only really afford it if he says I can have it. He has a LOT more disposable income than me (mortgage free, basic salary of 90k plus bonuses and various other investments) but then he earns it.
I have no gone back to work now my youngest is in pre school, covid has slowed me down a bit in terms of finding something, I will still have a lot less money than him but he’s agreed I can still have the £600 a month as long as I pay for the all the childcare out of my money too which seems fair.
But I’m left with sort of a sense of unease. It’s my fault for being financially dependent on someone else. I’ve found my confidence has taken a real blow, all the decisions have been his because he has all the money. When he travelled I worried about things like the car breaking down or the boiler breaking because I had no access to any money should that happen. I mean if I’d called him he’d have probably transferred me the money but having nothing has made me feel really anxious.
This will pass won’t it? I should know have about £1200 a month after I’ve paid for childcare and it’ll be so much better.

@Greyisthenewpink

I find it confusing because he’ll spend money on expensive holidays... but he makes that decision. It is the inequality and the having to ask and knowing that if I ask it’s met with resistance so it’s easier not to ask. I asked if I could have a bit extra last summer when both dc were off and he said no. He occasionally randomly gave me his card when we went out but I don’t like that either. It makes me feel horrible. And I worry if they look at the card and it’s in his name or the card is refused it’ll be difficult. When it was covid lockdown the first time he was cut to four days and dropped 20% of pay for about two months and so he dropped me to £500 too. I didn’t have as many expenses in terms of petrol and going anywhere so it wasn’t so bad but I didn’t manage to save anything for the later months either.

I think there is probably more than financial abuse going on here. I think OP is in total denial. To be so 'grateful' for his pathetic handouts, to feel awkward about asking for things. I suspect that if you scratch the surface, a whole lot of other controlling behaviour will turn up,

Bloody hell. You would be better splitting up - then you would get decent maintenance and a good lump sum and part of his pension. you are entitled to that as you have made it possible for him to work and earn.

I really hope that with you going back to work that it helps to boost your confidence so that you are able to divorce this man. If you were to divorce him you would be entitled to half of the equity and savings and assuming he didn’t want to magically step up to do half the parenting then you would get maintenance for the children as well. It’s the only way you will be able to have autonomy and feel financially secure and actually be able to provide a better life for your kids. This is what I’d plan to do if I were in your situation OP! He was only able to advance his career and earn as much as he can because you did everything else for the family.

That's not a marriage. You sound like a (poorly) paid employee. Of course you must feel rubbish. Where's the equality or respect? As a couple you decided you would stay at home - he is the main earner for ALL of you. Giving you a handout that isn't sufficient and saving £2.5k a month is outrageous.

We have always had a joint account we both pay our earnings into. I've always earned more, and at one time, when we had our first child, DH's business was going through a tough time and he could only pay in a few hundred a month. It would never have occurred to me to say he couldn't buy x or y. We just budgeted together.

Op other posters have said it all and more, but o just wanted to say your posts sound really, really sad. You don't deserve to be treated like this. You are not 'lucky'. If you were a single parent on UC you might get a comment that you're lucky to have any spare money, but that's context. You're doing equal work (childcare) in what should be a team, but you're being treated like a skivy by your husband who is withholding your joint money. He's holding this power over you and that's why you feel like a child.

I really hope you can start to see that this is not him being oldfashioned or a bit tight with money, this is clear cut financial abuse against you and your children.

BTW, on your DHs basic salary, you would be entitled to just over £1k as child maintenance. Thats just for the children, and before you split the equity from the house, the savings, the pension....plus you will be earning and will have your own money. You won't have to answer to him for a penny of it.

@Sadieeloise5687

Sunflowers because they don’t realise they are in an abusive relationship! The OP still doesn’t.

Honestly looking at some of the posts here anyone would think the OP has deliberately chosen this situation.

It’s like telling a child in the playground - why are you letting yourself be bullied? I wouldn’t put up with that. Tell your bully not to do it!

Not really though. Finances, joint accounts and transparency have obviously never been in place yet both parties decided together to bring children into this situation. Not one child but two.

OP you have my sympathy but:

• you brought children into this
• it sounds like you've not tried to fix this
• I assume you're not willing to divorce him?

Yes he's an asshole but OP is a grown woman and needs to do right by herself and her children.

@funnylittlefloozie

BTW, on your DHs basic salary, you would be entitled to just over £1k as child maintenance. Thats just for the children, and before you split the equity from the house, the savings, the pension....plus you will be earning and will have your own money. You won't have to answer to him for a penny of it.

Think of this.

What bank account does your salary get paid into? (I'm guessing it's 'his' bank account) As a starting point for you, why not get your own bank account setup, have your salary paid into it and get yourself a debit card for the account, so when you go out you can use your own card. I suspect his reaction to you doing this will tell you a lot about how abusive this relationship really is. Please take a look at the freedom programme

My salary goes into my own account.
I brought children into it but before I became a sahm I didn’t know this would be the outcome. Granted I had a second dc though, I suppose.

Do not blame yourself. You need to get to a point where you feel as outraged on your own behalf and that of your kids as we all do reading your posts. This is not okay. You are trying your best to make the best of an absolutely shitty situation. But doing all you can to stay in this situation is not the best thing. Staying together is NOT for the best.

You and your children will be substantially better off after divorce, financially and emotionally.

Good luck.

OP this is how it goes in our house.

We’ve both always worked and these days are fairly comfortable.

We’ve never had joint accounts, never needed them. I’ve earned more than him, at times 3 times as much.

All the bills come out of my account, and all the shopping out of his.

We have a similar outlook to money. Neither are big spenders. But we have our own accounts and don’t scrutinise what each other spends.

We’ll every so often sweep whatever we each have left into savings.

When he took time out of work I would ask his if he was ok for money and would just transfer a lump sum into his account.

Equally when I took time out he would do the same.

Because neither of us would want the other coming cap in hand.

It’s not about the amount, it’s about the scrutiny and keeping you down, and beholden to him, and he’s the only decision maker. It’s control, and he likes it that way.

It’s not normal. And it’s not healthy.

Having to pass the phone to him is so fucking humiliating 🥲

You sound so down-trodden and I’m not surprised.

Dear OP, I am very sorry for what you are going through, I am sorry that some of the posts come of as too critical too as you are clearly a victim here. I would also like to ask everyone to be compassionate and understanding. These things are not easy to explain. I have always had a job but was financially dependent of my DH for many years before I worked up a courage to ask to have control over some of it. Even then, he was difficult whenever a bigger purchase needed to be done, he would veto my decisions, so I felt like I could never have anything unless he wanted it too. I stuck up with him for 25 years and only now decided to divorce him. My DH is not physically abusive so I do not know what I was "afraid" of but I just was. I do not like arguments, I did not like his silent treatments, walking on eggshells around him and my kids having to witness it all, so I just played along.

It is the inequality and the having to ask and knowing that if I ask it’s met with resistance so it’s easier not to ask.

That's how coercive control works. That's what it is. Using coercion to control you.

Very rarely does domestic abuse manifest as men chaining women in basements. Most of the time they just make it so uncomfortable and unbearable to continue resisting that you give in to their control and all the harms that flow from it.

I hope you leave him soon.

I don’t know what I’m scared of either, re discussing it with him. It just makes me feel deeply uncomfortable, it been easier to just make do or sell things or whatever. Maybe he genuinely thinks it’s fine, but when we do take the children out together he’s always like - gosh it’s so expensive! - but he doesn’t usually come with us at weekends so I foot the bill (well he does, cos it’s all his money but it comes from the money I have) or my parents do. Often my parents pay some and I pay some.
I don’t like having to ask for money, maybe im just too proud. It’s also because when I’ve asked before he hasn’t just said oh ok, yes no problem. It’s always been well what happens to the money im giving you. And famously ‘the bank is closed’ (he means his account not the literal bank).

This is all kinds of messed up. DH and I made the choice for me to be a SAHM before the kids were born. I have a secondary credit card to DHs and he just pays the balance every month. Nursery, activities etc are all direct debited from his account. He also pays money into my account (bonuses etc) he receives as he said he never wants me to feel like I don't have my own money.

@Greyisthenewpink

I don’t know what I’m scared of either, re discussing it with him. It just makes me feel deeply uncomfortable, it been easier to just make do or sell things or whatever. Maybe he genuinely thinks it’s fine, but when we do take the children out together he’s always like - gosh it’s so expensive! - but he doesn’t usually come with us at weekends so I foot the bill (well he does, cos it’s all his money but it comes from the money I have) or my parents do. Often my parents pay some and I pay some. I don’t like having to ask for money, maybe im just too proud. It’s also because when I’ve asked before he hasn’t just said oh ok, yes no problem. It’s always been well what happens to the money im giving you. And famously ‘the bank is closed’ (he means his account not the literal bank).

I know how you feel, uncomfortable is the right word. Like I said I am not SAHM but my DH has same attitude toward spending as yours, and was always making me feel bad when I wanted to spend anything. Everything is too much, an ice cream, a drink, a dinner at the restaurant, new jacket for the kids...When I finally opened my own account and started transferring some money to it I was so happy I did not need to ask him if I needed to buy something that I ended up spending all of the money (and more from my CC) on kids and house etc. On the other hand he was selfishly putting "his" spending money away, saving and spending on him self only. Now that we are separating he tells me he does not think we should share the money that he saved up. It is just his. And I am the same as you, hate asking for money, so even now that we are putting separation agreement together I feel it is hard for me to press the issue saying, everything we have should be split, like it should.

OP as @user1927462849194729 said, it's coercive control.

A clear case of coercive control actually.

And in case you don't know, and not to frighten you, but that was made illegal a few years ago.

He may not dictate who you see or where you go, but it is financially controlling you.

And that's against the law.

@AhNowTed

OP as *@user1927462849194729* said, it's coercive control.

A clear case of coercive control actually.

And in case you don't know, and not to frighten you, but that was made illegal a few years ago.

He may not dictate who you see or where you go, but it is financially controlling you.

And that's against the law.

This is correct.

Some men are getting a nasty fright when this is being explained to them by their solicitor, when their wives instigate divorce.

Of course the wife has to go to the police.

My friend is a family solicitor and was telling a few of us at dinner that she had this mean twat of a client whose wife was divorcing him and his unreasonable behaviour came up to her from the other solicitor.

She was very surprised and said she quickly advised her client to STFU, not antagonise his wife and conclude the divorce his wife as amicably as possible.

In her opinion such was his behaviour during the marriage that she would have a good case and as he was a doctor a criminal conviction could be career ending.

He was stunned but took her advice under huge protest and moral outrage.🙄

The police are very helpful with these cases apparently especially if they have solicitors providing good cases to them.

Oh OP your post and further comments make me so sad. With your initial post I didn't immediately get the financial abuse thing. But the blocking you from accessing his card for his child's lunches is just beyond me. I work PT, DH works FT and we have one child. He pays for all household bills and transfers me £1k a month (he earns half what your H earns). I save most of that although he doesn't ask what I spend it on. It's literally for me and for days out with our son when he's working. I also take home £900. EVEN THEN, if our son needs new football shoes for example (stupidly expensive things), I literally say he needs new shoes and he gives me his card. No questions asked. He knows I save most of the money he gives me and whilst I don't have access to his account (never felt the need to), he never uses money against me. I'm glad you've posted this as hopefully you realise how it really isn't normal .

You have been conditioned not to make a fuss.. to not question anything .. to accept he makes and controls all financial decisions..

He banks on your being uncomfortable to raise any issues.

You should write a list of questions, use this thread to help you, sit him down and ask him why he believes his controlling behaviour is appropriate.

OP you will feel embarrassment for a few seconds then you will feel anger, because his answer WILL piss you off.

Go for it. 🌺

I don’t like having to ask for money, maybe im just too proud.

If I had to ask my DH for money, I'd feel more than uncomfortable, I'd feel outraged! It's your money too. You're not his employee!

I feel for you and I'm glad you posted. Nobody here thinks what he is doing is right.

Do your parents know he treats you like this?

Would you be willing to ring Women's Aid and tell them what you've told us here?