Would this make you feel you rubbish?

[Greyisthenewpink]

Let me prefix this by saying I know this is largely my own fault.

When we had dc1 we agreed that I would be a sahm - we could afford it as a family and DH has always been away a lot on business. It made sense for both of us that I would be on hand because basically he wasn’t going to give any input into raising the dc. We then had the second dc.
I’ve never had any access to any joint account and I have no savings in my name (used them over the years) and I’ve no pension.
DH has always given me a set amount every month that’s for me and the dc. It’s £600. I use that for whatever they need, plus some of my own personal bills such as phone and car stuff - usually after I’ve paid for petrol (mainly goes on school runs) and some of the day to day shopping expenses and my phone etc I’m left with about £300.
Out of that I pay for the dc’s clothes and because I have them with me any activities or days out etc. It sounds a lot and I’m prepared to be told I’m spoilt but it doesn’t go that far. Especially in school holidays.
However when we are on holiday with DH or on the very occasional day out he accompanies us on he will pay but he never wants to actually get up and pay for anything so he gives me his card and whilst I should be grateful it makes me feel like a child. So if we go for a meal or something he’ll say - here’s my card.
Occasionally he’ll bestow something on me like a new coat or something but I can only really afford it if he says I can have it. He has a LOT more disposable income than me (mortgage free, basic salary of 90k plus bonuses and various other investments) but then he earns it.
I have no gone back to work now my youngest is in pre school, covid has slowed me down a bit in terms of finding something, I will still have a lot less money than him but he’s agreed I can still have the £600 a month as long as I pay for the all the childcare out of my money too which seems fair.
But I’m left with sort of a sense of unease. It’s my fault for being financially dependent on someone else. I’ve found my confidence has taken a real blow, all the decisions have been his because he has all the money. When he travelled I worried about things like the car breaking down or the boiler breaking because I had no access to any money should that happen. I mean if I’d called him he’d have probably transferred me the money but having nothing has made me feel really anxious.
This will pass won’t it? I should know have about £1200 a month after I’ve paid for childcare and it’ll be so much better.

I was in a very similar situation when with my ex. It wasn't the quantity of money that was the issue, it was the lack of control. I kept bringing it up but he would just retort that what was I missing and I would tell him that we were supposed to be a team and have equal say and control over all aspects. I was only a sahm for the benefit of our family and so that he could work.

Since i left, I probably have about the same disposable income as I did whilst I was with him (I am rebuilding my career and my earnings are gradually building up) but i have full control of what i buy and spend. I no longer need to ask him like a child whilst i watch him buying something big without checking with me.

I am an adult and didn't appreciate being treated like a child with some pocket money. So he lost me - he was trying to keep me by controlling me.

What I wanted was for us to sit down and make sure that after all bills had been paid, the remaining we would decide how much to put in savings, how much to put in a pot for bigger purchases and how much we could spend on our treats etc.

Why don't you make more of a fuss about yhis? Your children need something you tell him and tell him it's his responsibility while you're at home to pay for everything. Also why the fuck would you be paying ALL the childcare costs? Honestly OP it just sounds like you've let him away with it. If he moans tell him to stop whingeing and pay for his children like he's supposed to.

Well now you can see the unanimous consensus OP what do you plan to do. Honestly I see two options
1- demand 1 month of complete access to his acc with unlimited money to buy everything that’s needed and then at the end he can see the true cost of raising children
2- divorce

I’d opt for 2 but if you want to give him the benefit of the doubt try 1z

Your life and marriage is one of constant abuse and humiliation.

He neither loves nor cares for you.
At all.

You are a skivvy.

I feel desperately sorry for you that you actually believe that you are in a marriage that has a single grain of love or respect in it.

He completely gets his kicks from your complete and utter humiliation.

I hope you can try and see this OP.

Because, that you would think that you and your children should scrape around for money while he builds up a pension is a joke.

On the positive side, if you ever do find your self respect and talk to your parents, ask for their help, get a solicitor and a forensic accountant, you and your children can be well looked after away from his abuse.

By staying and living with his deliberate humiliation of you, you are choosing to accept this is all you deserve.

What way did your parents rear you that you would even vaguely think this is right, fair and decent.

Your husband is a bad man, an abuser and a disgrace.
Don't you think for a second he is not.

Your husband needs to be disgraced by you divorcing him and telling everyone EXACTLY who he is.

Donyou have sex with him?

Because it is utterly and completely beyond me that you could have sex with scum like him who gets his kicks from your daily humiliation and struggles for your entire marriage.

Do yourself a favour and call Women's Aid.

OP, you say you have no access to joint accounts?
Are these truly joint? As in both your names? If so, I would contact the bank and tell them you have lost your cards, if it is joint, they should send you cards. They will also have someone you can speak to about your financial situation.

My bank offered someone to me when I discovered DH, had been using our mortgage account to gamble with.

No - sorry. I’ve not access to his accounts it should say. I’ve no idea really how much money he has. I don’t think he has a gambling addiction or anything, I think he just likes to save it all up. It’s sensible really, but I think he transfers a fair bit each month straight to savings. It would have really helped me if he’d given me another couple of hundred pounds whilst I was at home.

@Greyisthenewpink

No - sorry. I’ve not access to his accounts it should say. I’ve no idea really how much money he has. I don’t think he has a gambling addiction or anything, I think he just likes to save it all up. It’s sensible really, but I think he transfers a fair bit each month straight to savings. It would have really helped me if he’d given me another couple of hundred pounds whilst I was at home.

You’re really not listening - there’re threads about penny pinching men, this isn’t that situation if he splashed out on himself and even begrudges his child a hot meal. This is control and abuse

Why are your standards so low? Were you always taught to put your comfort and health last? Are you at all angry that the father of your children doesn't want to feed them hot meals, because his priority is having control over you all and securing his own future? (And IMO he will leave you once they are 18).

The fact you're talking about just a couple hundred more when PP are telling you repeatedly that in an equitable and fair partnership the parents have equal and shared access to family funds just shows how deeply you have been brainwashed by your abuser.

What were you taught about relationships growing up?

Enough with the victim blaming.

It’s the not op’s fault her OH behaved like this. Telling him not to do it or give her money wouldn’t have worked. He’s abusive. That’s on him not her.

Anyone who receives an ‘allowance’ in a marriage is in a financially abusive marriage.

@Sadieeloise5687

Enough with the victim blaming.

It’s the not op’s fault her OH behaved like this. Telling him not to do it or give her money wouldn’t have worked. He’s abusive. That’s on him not her.

Anyone who receives an ‘allowance’ in a marriage is in a financially abusive marriage.

But why does anyone bring children into that situation?

I was a SAHM or worked part time whilst our 4 children were young. DH worked long hours and earned a good salary and I did everything at home. We had a joint account with a card each and spending on anything other than big ticket items wasn’t discussed as we could afford not to worry. Things like kids clothes, food, lunch with a friend, haircuts etc are normal for a family with your income. Is it not embarrassing for him that his family are struggling?
I would do a spreadsheet of all the things you are expected to buy and work out how much a month that would come to. Include everything that is necessary for you to function as a family. Ask for that each month or total access to the joint account. Also require total honesty about the family finances. How much savings, pension etc. You need regular updates on this too.
If he says no, let everyone know at a convenience time how stingy he is. Along the lines of - DS has grown out of his shoes but I can’t afford new ones on the allowance DH gives me, yes, we’d love to come but my budget for trips out is already gone etc. If he doesn’t change, you have to leave. This is no way to live if you don’t have to.

@Sadieeloise5687

Enough with the victim blaming.

It’s the not op’s fault her OH behaved like this. Telling him not to do it or give her money wouldn’t have worked. He’s abusive. That’s on him not her.

Anyone who receives an ‘allowance’ in a marriage is in a financially abusive marriage.

Thanks for the lecture.

In response to the OPs original question then:

Yes, that would make me feel bad.

Sunflowers because they don’t realise they are in an abusive relationship! The OP still doesn’t.

Honestly looking at some of the posts here anyone would think the OP has deliberately chosen this situation.

It’s like telling a child in the playground - why are you letting yourself be bullied? I wouldn’t put up with that. Tell your bully not to do it!

Your husband is a cunt.

I'm also positive I've read this before so nothing has changed since last year?

Get legal advice. You'll be much better off if you leave him, and I don't just mean financially.

The thing is op is that you ARE contributing!! You are raising the children, they are his children as well. How much is needed each month for them should be a discussion between the two of you and not dictated by him. There should be a joint account to cover these things and in all honesty, on his salary, the ‘allowance’ he is granting you is a pittance!!!

@Sadieeloise5687

Sunflowers because they don’t realise they are in an abusive relationship! The OP still doesn’t.

Honestly looking at some of the posts here anyone would think the OP has deliberately chosen this situation.

It’s like telling a child in the playground - why are you letting yourself be bullied? I wouldn’t put up with that. Tell your bully not to do it!

It's not though. OP is an adult, unless she is scared of her husband, then there is no need to keep her mouth shut and suffer in silence. Obviously if she is scared of his reaction that's different, but she hasn't given any indication that she is.

OP, my lovely, you're living with a man who abuses his children and his wife. He sounds vile.

If you divorced him (and financial abuse is unreasonable behaviour, so there's your grounds for divorce), you would get half the equity in the house, half his savings and half his humongous pension. He would also have to pay maintenance for the children, and given his salary, this will not be a piddly amount. You would have security and your own money, and wouldn't have to hold your breath at the checkout or wish for a new mascara.

So, what are you going to do next?

Oh OP I’m so sorry to hear this, it definitely sounds like he is being financially abusive. What does he say when you tell him how you feel about this all and how unfair he is being?

I honestly can't believe I am reading this ...why have you never had access to his income if you are raising the children. I would divorce him, he sounds like a bastard. You will be much better off as the courts will divide his income between the two of you and any savings . Is the house in joint names ?

He earns £140k a year with bonuses, and you're hoping for some birthday money to buy his children some shoes

This is bad, OP. So, so, so bad. You know that if the tables were turned, you would never treat him like this. That tells you all you need to know about what decent behaviour looks like.

Also - what are your joint plans for your pension? He should be paying into a private one for you.

One of the main reasons I didn’t want to be a sahp was a memory of my school friend’s mum having to justify asking for ‘extra’ money from her dh. It felt like begging. I just never wanted to be in a position when someone is querying my spending.
I’m the breadwinner and dh is sahp. He gets nearly my whole salary and I keep 500 for my use. We ran through the expenditure at the beginning but he has free rein to spend the leftovers. I wouldn’t dream of policing him and I never wanted him to feel he had to ask for money for clothes etc that would change the dynamics of our whole relationship. I’m not his mum, we are equals.

Iminaglass case - so she says she doesn’t like the situation to him... then what?!

He doesn’t just magically change. He’s abusive! If he wanted to listen to her he would have done at any point in their marriage. He holds the power to change the situation she doesn’t. She could tell him every day she wasn’t happy with it. It wouldn’t change it.

You are very naive about abusive relationships. Probably because you’ve always had decent partners you can’t understand one who wouldn’t value or act on what their wife was saying. But the point is an abusive person has no incentive or desire to change.

@Greyisthenewpink

If I ask him for anything or say they need something he will sometimes get it but not without making some comment about not wanting to spend the money. Ds suddenly needed school shoes and they were £50 which when you’ve only got £300 is a big chunk - I told DH and he said he’d transfer the money but he hasn’t and I don’t like to keep asking. It makes me feel awkward. That was before I started work though - now if I have £1200 total before bills I should be ok. The childcare will be about £250 and then the normal bills I paid anyway but I should still have about £650 which will be much easier.

Christ OP, this is awful. I was a SAHP for 15 years ( 3 dc - 2 with with extra needs) but I was also a co-director of our company. My DH does all the work but we share the money. Why? Because I ran the house and raised the kids. I also did a lot of house refurbishment because I happen to be good at DIY. DH and I are now separated and although I have a part-time job, we still share all the business income. We are a partnership. The house the dc and I live in is a joint investment for both mine and DH's future. My DH never questioned if I said I needed extra cash for something (above and beyond the household budget that we worked out and agreed together). Far from it, he would always say I should have what I needed. TBF, I am not a high maintenance lass. I dye and cut my own hair, don't do designer clothes and don't have much regard for flash clothes or possessions. On the odd occasion I have spent out on a 'nice' bit of kit, DH has been happy for me. We have always had a joint account as well as our own accounts too. Your DH is being an utter prick, he is controlling and he relies on your meekness to carrying doing it. Get your big girl knickers on and stand up for yourself. Don't accept this from him, what sort of example are you setting for your children. My DH and I may have separated but we are still great friends and good partners and our kids have seen that we all have different roles to play and they are all as valuable as the other.

@Greyisthenewpink

I’m a bit aghast that you all think it’s so bad. I expected people to tell me to think myself lucky.

In what respect do you imagine you’re ‘lucky?’ He sounds repellant to me 🤷‍♀️