Hello
I am still definitely going ahead with the legal separation for now, and then if I still feel the same in 6 months or so I will go for the divorce.
Have thought LOTS about it - it's definitely what I want. Nothing to do with H, NM, making a point, doing the right thing or whatever - I don't see H much now, but when I do I have no respect left for him.
The 'games' he plays - the 'I love you both' texts and saying he heard xyz song and it reminded him of me/made him sad etc... it's all to keep me hanging. He's been doing it for 12 months and I can (finally) see right through it.
When I look at him I now think that if he doesn't know by now just how lucky he was to have me and ds, then it's too late! I don't mean that in a big headed way. But we literally had everything we could have ever wanted and a great relationship. We just totally took each other for granted after 14 years together. The problems only started once ds came along and we were both working long hours in full time jobs. I saw that as completely natural and easily fixed. Which it could have been.
He saw it as 'the end of his carefree life, too much responsibility' and bailed out in a heartless and manipulative way. Selling our home knowing full well that he was already having an affair and didn't plan to come to the new house with us... what kind of man does that? He left me and ds literally homeless. There was no way I could afford that new house alone and he knew that. But didn't even care. He took me and ds to my mums 3 weeks before Christmas, and just walked out the door. To a girl he hardly knew.
Like I say, all our problems could have easily been fixed.
And even the affair - it could have been forgiven. There were reasons behind it. And we could have learnt from our mistakes.
But how long do you give someone to realise all of that? I feel that I can't put my life on hold for him anymore because in reality, there is a chance that he will never want to come back. He may realise that the grass is actually greener and he's made the best choices of his life in doing what he did! (We'll see hey )
Hindsight is a wonderful thing! I have no regrets in the amount of effort I put in or the way I dealt with it all. But now I can see - he took away every ounce of confidence I had. And after spending half of my life with him I believed that the key to my happiness lay with him. But in reality, due to the person he's become, the key to me being happy at the moment is without him! Because his selfishness and ability to keep treating me this way is just beyond belief.
I won't say I am not totally devastated. I married him for life. I wanted to be with him for life and that is why I chose to have a baby with him. He's taken all of that away from me which is something I'll never fully come to terms with.
But...He knows full well he's had every chance to put things right, and the fact that he's not jumping at that chance tells me everything. I gave him and our relationship everything I had. But he couldn't (and still won't) give that back in return. So I can't wait any longer.