New Fab & Glam (Part 2 - happy endings?!)

[Baffy]

Lets hope this is the thread where we all find our happy endings

ooooh working mother guilt! i have that in spades today. dd has been sick all weekend but CM has taken her today for me thank goodness. 3 hour conf call to the US I cannot miss.

dd gets to watch a lot of CBEEBIES i'm to say.

I don't iron anything and my wardrobe consists of items that don't require ironing. I do hang out and fold very carefully tho

I have a cleaner, 2 hours per week for £16. I budget on other things so I can keep this luxury! She does iron too but she's worse than me so I don't bother with that!

dd "helps" with my jobs and does a bit of drying up, washes the walls and loads the washing machine for me! she loves it!

dd is in bed by 7pm every night. this sometimes means I've only seen her for an hour after work. It's a lovely hour tho, nice bath and a bit horse-play then mild and cuddles.

Once she's in bed I do any extra work from the day.

I try to keep weekends busy and fun.

I know you don't want a solution and just need to vent/rant a bit but thought i'd do a run down of how we survive.

It would be sooooo good to be able to say to someone "watch her while I do xyz" tho.

mild? milk

PC and Baffy - IME it gets easier as they get older. At 2 they seem to be growing up, but they are little more than babies, by 3 and 4 they are easier to reason with and can understand more how their behaviour affects others.
Mine were terrors at 2 (not so much ds2 but ds1 was murder) but by 3 they really calmed down and now at 8 and 4 they are little angels (most of the time!)
So it will get better!

thank you

Evenings are half of my problem, as I don't get in until 6.30-7ish by the time I pick ds up, it's usually at least 8pm by the time I've cooked/eaten tea and washed up.

Then bath, story, bed etc, meaning ds doesn't go to sleep until 9ish. In one way I'm happy with this as it's the only time I get to see him during the week (mornings are madness!), but it means I literally have NO time to myself in the evening, by the time he goes down and I've done a tiny bit of washing, packed the bags for the next day, lay clothes out ready etc I'm exhausted.

I've forgotten what TV is!

Hmm, will have to have a think about all of that. I like your ideas...

yeah i have that on a tuesday & thursday so i virtually get in the door and it's bath/bed.

dd has tea with the CM on Tuesdays so less for me to do.

I cook huge meals (casseroles, pasta sauces, stir-fries etc) and freeze portions for me and dd. i literally freeze spaggetti and mashed potatoe and potatoe bake etc. bag of frozen veg too tho i do try to do fresh veg when i can. also generally have a pizza and some ready meals in the freezer.

dd in bed, me in shower, nuke tea & eat, work for an hour 9pm-10pm bed!

it all hinges on dd being in bed early tho. for my own sanity i don't think i could cope with her being up at 9pm and as we have to leave the house by 7:30am every day she'd be a screaming nightmare on too little sleep!

shower at night really cuts morning stress down too!

I take my hat off to you both PC and Baffy. I haven't worked full time since before ds1 was born and I find it a struggle to do everything while working part time. You are both amazing women - particularly with all the crap you have to put up with from your H's on top of everything else.

Agree with evenings struggling to juggle DD1 and new baby and get us all fed bathed and in bed at any reasonable time...no mummy time at all at moment - par for cuurse with 5 week old BUt get so angry that H gets to go home and DO fuck all and then get cross if DD1 doesn't phone him to say goodnight (ie I am to busy or harassed to make her)
Am so looking forwad to meeting you all we will have to try very hard not to moan all afternoon

Baffy & PC, I take my hat off too! I only work 3 days a week yet never seem to keep the house clean. Can't afford a cleaner, don't feel I can ask dd as she's got enough to do with GCSEs and as for DP... I decided long ago, though, that a little dust was probably good for building up a resistance to germs - and have to say that dd only had asthma for a period of a couple of years when her father and I split up, and seems to have recovered now. As long as the toilet is clean and nothing smells or moves when it shouldn't - and as long as I don't feel ashamed to invite guests round - I don't worry.

Do I sound like a complete slut?

I don't iron either, except when I'm doing my patchwork - another devotee of the 'hang and fold carefully and it will be wearable' school!

DD never bit, but my sister did. I think it's just part of being too young to express frustration any other way. All you can do is keep telling them that really, it's not on, and how would they feel if another child bit them. It DOES pass. They do seem like little adults to us, because they are so grown up in some ways, bless them. I remember screaming at DD when she had wet the floor yet again, and I'd only just got home from work and was exhausted, 'Why don't you GROW UP!!!' - and my H gently reminded me, 'She's only 3!'

Looking at some other MN threads recently, I think biting and wetting the floor are nothing compared to being told by your teenager that you're just sh** and less than the dirt under your feet!

Oh, and as for my precious darling DP, he finally came home about 1.30, looking absolutely done in and very frail, murmured that he was so, so sorry and went to bed for several hours, though he hardly slept. When he got up to make dinner (we finally got the fish curry he'd planned since Thursday), I noticed that he was bruised around the eye and his cheek bone was swelling - then he showed me grazes on his hands and said that he'd done something terrible. We both went to bed very early as I was pretty shattered too, and did some talking. It turns out that he had a dreadful experience - which may land him in court and cost money we just don't have, but in some ways, I'm glad - this could be the kick up the rear he needs.

Seems he committed criminal damage and was grappled by some men - don't want to go into the details but he'd spent the night with the police, being taken to hospital for xrays and then being accommodated by the police, who were really very kind, considering. I suppose they could tell he was in a bad way and wasn't the usual kind of yob, and he has no memory of what he did or why on earth he did it. He doesn't even remember clearly what he said to me, but he DOES remember that he behaved outrageously.

So I've asked him to promise me two things - that he'll cut down on the drinking - I told him how much I fear for his health, our relationship, how my heart sinks when he opens that second bottle and that when he left I'd feared he'd come to harm or do someone else harm in his state, but I really hadn't wanted him around either. And I asked him to promise to just TALK to me when something's bothering him, not let it build and build - because I won't be able to tolerate any more apopleptic drunken rages again. I've NEVER been sworn at like that by anybody, and I'm not going to start now.

He certainly didn't drink anything last night, seemed pathetically grateful for my kindness and apologised for upsetting DD as well. He admitted he's absolutely miserable but this was not acceptable behaviour. And it's so out of character - he's normally such a mild, gentle man. I really don't like what I've seen of his id, though, and I think he also was shaken by it .

So, on balance, I'm glad this happened, as it's brought things to a head and I hope we can be more open with each other. Well, we'll see, but he won't get any more chances. If he does it again I shall have to tell him to leave.

And the roof's been repaired (smiling weakly)

Blimey Tannee! That's shocking. But you are right this should be the kick he needs to make him stop. For him to behave so out of character and not to even remember what he said to you, his drinking must have got seriously out of control. When dp went for me at Christmas he couldn't remember what he'd done either. I made a point of telling him word for word what he said, and what he did, and he was horrified, both by what had happened and the fact that he had drunk so much he didn't even remember it.
Hopefully this will be the turning point for your dp, I think for mine that was the thing that made him go back to the GP and ask for some real help.
Here's hoping we never have to go through all that again .

Tanee
I can't believe all of that, it sounds like he had an awful time of it. I really hope he's learnt from it though like you say, I suppose we sometimes have to hit rock bottom before we start to get a grip of things.

Funny though, I think I keep getting lower and lower and never seem to come back up - I think my rock bottom is lower than most!

Thanks for the advice on ds too. I know it's a frustration thing. I don't even think my own tears yesterday were really about ds tbh, although I was totally embarrassed and mortified at what he'd done, it was more about my own frustrations at being a single mum, having an arse for a H, and a stupid career that takes up my whole life and that I can't afford to give up!! I was more angry at myself, as though ds was doing it because I'm in someway not being a good enough mum.
Ever wish you could just split yourself in two so you had enough time for everyone/everything?!

Macd - I promise not to moan at the meet up!

Tanee hopefully it will make him see how dangerous a line he is walking !
PC and Baffy you are both doing amazing jobs don't know how you hold down full time jobs. Agree with others though i find 2 year olds harder to reason with than 3 or 4 year olds.
Mcd can't imagine how hard it must be managing new born on your own i am so greatful for any help off dp never mind with dd to cope with as well. How is Lily ?
Dior hope you feeling better.
Hope everyone else ok and plodding along.
Martha is just over two weeks now so lack of sleep kicking in. Having plenty of melt downs too here ladies !
PC can't remember whether i said this but thanks for passing on dp details to your brother.

I've just remembered somethin Baffy... DS1 went through a biting stage when he was about 2 and someone told me that if you ignore the child who has bitten and make a huge (over the top) fuss of the injured child before you make the other one apologise they learn that they are not going to get the attention and the biting stops.
It worked for us eventually, although its hard ignoring your own child to make a fuss of someone else but its worth a try I guess.
Good luck

Good to hear from you lily

Thanks ginnedup, that definitely sounds like it's worth a try, good idea. Thank you

Baffy - I know - it would be nice to be two people for a time. I'd like to be three - one for DD, one for DP and one for me ! One of the reasons I struggle by on a part time salary is that I seriously need 'me-time' or I'd probably be swearing back at DP!

Ginnedup - I thought of you through all this, and will suggest he speak to the doctor, if he can't deal with it himself. I know he can stop drinking if he wants to, as he used to drink & drive when I first knew him, until he was caught and banned from driving for 3 years (seems the police might be my saviours after all ). Since then he won't drink at all if he's driving. Even I will risk a single glass, but he won't. So he CAN be good ...

I didn't tell him word for word what he said, as he was already torturing himself with what he COULD remember and I felt he needed my support first - but he knows he swore at me, and that he was unreasonable about the computer, and I shall let him have little choice snippets as appropriate.. (evil ).

Lily - thanks! Hope you manage a few naps in between tending Martha. Sleep deprivation is a killer. I used to nap whenever I could - and once, when dd was about 2-3, I woke up to find two policemen peering in at me through the window. DD had phoned 999 - just for fun! Of course she didn't say much, but they'd traced the call and were checking to see if I was still alive. It's about her earliest memory ! Luckily they were very understanding & said it happens a lot with small children.

Dior, how are you today?

lily, glad DB got in touch. i'd forgotten actually!

baffy, again i totally empathise with you. you end up feeling like you're doing nothing well don't you. parenting, work, friends etc etc.

we're not bad mothers tho, anything but. please don't feel like you.

there are always going to be days when you feel dreadful. i've had many of those recently. they pass tho and hopefully they will become less frequent and the good days will get more frequent.

despite dd being ill and demanding, yesterday was actually a really nice day. i made a super human conscious effort to remain calm and not get stressed with dd and she responded brilliantly.

i guess i got a wake up call when she said to me the other day "i a bit stressy mummy"!!

tanee, that sounds awful. really hope dp has had that wake up call now tho.

btw, just for entertainment, am trying to teach dd to say "yes" instead of "yeah" and now i have a 2.4yr old saying "we say yes mummy not yeah" to me 100 x per day!

Can get a bit irritating when they repeat you PC i currently have dd saying " mummy the baby's crying she wants some milk from your booby at least a 100 times a day, am presuming she thinks i am deaf!

LOL Tannee how did you explain that one away!

PMSL you lot!

My dad was asleep on the sofa on Saturday, snoring, and ds said "have you heard the noise out of him?!"
That is exactly what my mum would have said! It makes me laugh so much when they repeat things like that (especially when you can tell who they've learnt in from!)

He also asked me to pull tongues the other day. Then when I did it, hit me (in a jokey way) and said "we don't pull tongues"!!! That one was from my aunty!

see, we've found something to laugh about!

Lily, it seems the police get lots of 'calls' from very small children. It happens because we, as sensible mummies, teach our kids that, if anything happens to Mummy, they should dial 999 and the nice policeman will help them. DD says she was just trying it out because she'd woken from her nap and I was still asleep and she was bored! She also remembers running away quick after I had explained all to the cops, shut the door and roared her name !

dd keeps me in stitches she's so funny.

she's getting really good at staying very quiet when she wakes up in the morning. courtesy of our crappy neighbours who have asked me to keep the noise down between 6am and noon - whole other story.

anyways, if she wakes before it's time to get up i take her into my bed.

she lies on my pillow and says "aaah mummy, i loooove your face" or "i love you best in all my world"

soooo cute!

she also told me she wants to be postman and pat when she grows up!

btw, have an appt for weds to kick off the divorce.