Dp still sulking over conspiracy

[Abbeywell79]

I had a thread on here yesterday which got pulled as it appeared some conspiracy nut jobs took it over and I was concerned dp might come across it.

There were so many helpful posters on there who I tried to say thank you to before it got pulled but ran out of time. I just wanted to say it here because that thread really got me through a very tough day.

As an update, well not much to report. He’s still not home so I relented and sent him a message last night saying the children miss you perhaps you could let us know your plans. He replied saying he hasn’t had much sleep (my heart bleeds) and he would be in touch tomorrow (how kind).

I never again want to see the disappointed look on my children’s faces when they realised daddy wasn’t home. If he so much as tries the woe is me card today I will tell him to grow the fuck up and get back home and deal with his responsibilities.

This probably doesn’t make much sense to anyone but needed to put something down.

@Thecatsawinner

Op is the family member that you refer to treating him or referring him?

Hopefully referring as ethically one can’t take on a family member as a patient or client.

[quote Abbeywell79]@madroid he has been speaking with a family member who is a mental health specialist - apparently he’s told them everything he believes and they’re helping him[/quote]
A family member isn't always the best person to talk to in this situation, OP. They will be bringing all their pre-existing knowledge with them and that may well affect their decisions here.

I think you're being sensible keeping him out of the house and not letting him have unsupervised contact with the DC. I also think you're being very levelheaded about where your relationship is going, i.e. it's heading for the end, and trying to handle that amicably if it's possible is definitely the right thing.

I do however agree with those posters who express concerns about him seeing a family member about his issues - that can only ever be a start. It has to move on into a referral for treatment from someone who is not a relative, and for that treatment to be followed through. You know that too.

I'm also concerned that he's telling you he has sought help, but actually it is a lie.

I’m really glad he’s getting help, but please don’t forget yourself in all this. You can’t pour from an empty jug, and you need to protect yourself and the Dc. So you need your strength!

And please be careful. Just because he’s getting help it doesn’t mean he’s any more predictable.

Is his relative able to offer you any support in dealing with this?

I have personal experience of this sort of situation in my own family. In each case it ended in the worst possible way.
Please seek professional advice from outside the family.
This is a massive safeguarding issue. Everyone is at risk here.

There is a guy in France that walked into work 4 days ago, & shot his boss & another colleague dead.
He had some kind of psychosis & had been increasingly delusional, coming into work the previous week in a bullet proof vest.
The shooting was triggered by his boss mentioning to him that he hadn't said Good Morning.
It can all go very wrong fast.
You should speak to this family member & ask if what you know as the real story is what s/he has been told.
This mental health professional should orient him to another person/service. or is not a professional.
Why didn't this family member call & tell you where he was & that he was OK ?

Sorry! Posted in wrong place!

OP, my sister is a psychiatrist. If she had been approached by a family member who told her that they were knee deep in conspiracy theories and/or terribly depressed then the only way that she would be able to help them would be by signposting them to the appropriate mental health services. She couldn't even request a mental health act assessment to be done (which is needed to section someone if they are refusing urgently needed treatment and are a danger to themselves or others), only the closest relative can do that (which in this case would be you) - not that that would be needed if the person was willingly engaging with treatment, but just to illustrate how limited she would be in terms of what she would be able to do for a family member.

It may be that by the family member helping you mean they have directed your husband to contact his GP or self refer to mental health services through IAPT or something but otherwise either your husband is making this up or the family member is breaking professional guidelines. If your husband has accepted that he needs help then he should be happy to go about it in the right way. I really hope we're all being suspicious unnecessarily but alarm bells are ringing at his sudden about turn coupled with his insistence that he and the family member have it under control. It's a bit too convenient.

Have you spoken to this family member yourself?

You don't have to section relatives yourself, there are specialists doctors and mental health workers. Start wig or mental health crisis centre.

@Bellringer

You don't have to section relatives yourself, there are specialists doctors and mental health workers. Start wig or mental health crisis centre.

If this is in response to my comment then I apologise for not being clear - I just meant that there is very little a "mental health specialist" can do for a family member independently/by themselves/without simply encouraging the person to access the relevant services (as in, "they can't even refer the person for a MHAA"). But it was a poor example for me to use given that apparently the OP's husband IS engaging - I'm just not sure with what.

A mental health act assessment can be requested by professionals (often the police or doctors in A&E, for example, who sometimes encounter people who may be at risk and unwilling to accept it) or a person's nearest relative if they are concerned about someone (perhaps by contacting the local crisis team).

How is a mental health specialist family member helping him? All they can do depending on what they actually do in mental health is listen to him. He needs to seek assistance via his GP who can refer him

OP, I'm aware I may not have the full picture here because you've not shared details (which of course is absolutely up to you, you know the situation best).

But I'm genuinely concerned and perplexed by the speed at which your husband has done a 180. I just can't understand how someone who believes their partner has "injected themselves with a bio-weapon", to the point they would actually share those thoughts with the partner, would suddenly revert back to typical patterns of thinking and behaving without professional support. And if he's been susceptible to those delusions before, what's to stop him going back there again if there isn't a robust support system in place? Do you think he's suddenly ended those influential relationships with other conspiracy theorists? Do you think he's suddenly just changed his mind on the vaccines? I know these are difficult questions and I don't expect you to know the answers. I'm trying to highlight just how much about this situation and your husband's thinking is still unknown.
Would you consider calling a mental health charity or your GP for advice? You sound really concerned about doing anything that might divide your family and they might be able to offer some emotional support as well as practical direction.

@Alcemeg your language is really offensive and discriminatory.

Please don't use 'completely pyscho' (I assume you mean mentally very unwell) or talking about tricking people into thinking he's normal.

Being mentally unwell isn't abnormal - most people are mentally unwell at various points in their life. Sometimes they need professional help, sometimes they don't. THAT's normal.

[quote madroid]@Alcemeg your language is really offensive and discriminatory.

Please don't use 'completely pyscho' (I assume you mean mentally very unwell) or talking about tricking people into thinking he's normal.

Being mentally unwell isn't abnormal - most people are mentally unwell at various points in their life. Sometimes they need professional help, sometimes they don't. THAT's normal.[/quote]
@madroid
Sorry about that. I didn't mean to cause offence but was talking in "lay" terms. He was completely psychotic, for at least a year (hence trying to kill people). And during the time he was completely psychotic, even though he was scribbling sackloads of incoherent paranoid nonsense, he managed to convince a mental health nurse that he was completely normal (on the spectrum of mental health). I was trying to make a point about how difficult it can be, even for mental health professionals, to uncover the full extent of paranoid delusions, since the very fact of being paranoid means you don't trust people and will hide whatever you can.

What an exhausting ride, OP. Have you got friends nearby who can keep you sane/make you laugh?

I hope she's ok. I keep checking back...

[quote Abbeywell79]@Horehound why do you ask that? I’m assuming you’re disappointed that this hasn’t given you the dramatic conclusion you were hoping for and that there couldn’t possibly be an outcome where the two adults can calmly discuss their situation without resorting to hysterics, the police, social services, solicitors etc.

I do sometimes wonder whether people forget this is real life in here, not an episode of eastenders.[/quote]
I might have missed some here but has this man threatened you physically? Mine did and the police were useless in fact It as awful. At least he didn’t batter me was the response. Close to it though and I was so scared. Social services? Well they. An refer for mental help but if children are fine again what’s that? Solicitors ok yes have to deal with legal side but some vocal solicitors are on Twitter against Iockdown and vaccines? So if he is depressed and mental health issues support but so much drama on here from everyone. If he was physically and mentally abusing you ? Did I miss that bit or was it just the fact he is a conspiracy theorist?

@highlands123 no I don't think he has been physical to her.
She has said he isn't staying with them though so that's good.

I would get him help mental health support and keep children safe. If you feel he isn’t a danger to you that’s your choice. I left my ex but he was threatening and abusive and I didn’t feel safe and kids saw that.

@Abbeywell79 I know you don't owe us an update or anything- and I hope you're getting all the support you need in rl. It would be great if you could just let us know you're ok.

Thank you and yes I am safe. My head is all over the place at the moment I think adrenaline was getting me through the first week and now I’ve just crashed.

I’m now in regular contact with the family member who is helping him and he’s been very open with them. They are taking on the task of trying to pull him away from the ‘cult’, rather them than me, but have admitted he is likely too far gone.

He’s said he will just keep his beliefs/opinions/whatever you want to call it to himself for the sake of keeping our family together but that’s just not sustainable.

He’s having supervised contact with the dc so they’re happy still which is all I care about right now.

When we next speak i will ask if there is a timescale for the supposed ‘end’ when all will be revealed so we can agree a cut off point after which if (or rather when) none of his predictions come to fruition he has to accept it was all a load of nonsense. If he doesn’t agree and says this is going to be a lifelong change then what does that mean when our dc are older - is he going to try and brainwash them too?

I think he still believes there is a chance of reconciliation so I have to make it clear that there isn’t and we are now just looking at damage limitation and if he can’t work with me on that then he’s lost everything. The family member is making that clear to him as well so he’s not just getting it from me.

If he doesn’t agree and says this is going to be a lifelong change then what does that mean when our dc are older - is he going to try and brainwash them too?

Yes, that must be one of the big worries. I really hope for your DC that he can get himself together and be a stable dad. I'm sorry that you are facing this situation.

Glad that you've got the family member on board, and that he's at least talking openly to them as well. I hope you've got support and someone to talk to as you've had your life turned upside down. Even with all the adrenaline wearing off you sound like you're keeping a level head. I really hope that things work out.