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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dp still sulking over conspiracy

236 replies

Abbeywell79 · 08/05/2021 07:36

I had a thread on here yesterday which got pulled as it appeared some conspiracy nut jobs took it over and I was concerned dp might come across it.

There were so many helpful posters on there who I tried to say thank you to before it got pulled but ran out of time. I just wanted to say it here because that thread really got me through a very tough day.

As an update, well not much to report. He’s still not home so I relented and sent him a message last night saying the children miss you perhaps you could let us know your plans. He replied saying he hasn’t had much sleep (my heart bleeds) and he would be in touch tomorrow (how kind).

I never again want to see the disappointed look on my children’s faces when they realised daddy wasn’t home. If he so much as tries the woe is me card today I will tell him to grow the fuck up and get back home and deal with his responsibilities.

This probably doesn’t make much sense to anyone but needed to put something down.

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 13/05/2021 18:44

Glad you're OK @Abbeywell79 and that you finally have news from him. You've taken some very sensible precautions so I'm hoping your DH will have had time to think and comes back in a better state of mind, but if he doesn't you're prepared. It's so sad that all his troubles have brought you both to this situation.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 13/05/2021 19:01

@Abbeywell79

Thanks all - I have to keep re reading your comments as he has sent a couple more messages that are like the old him (eg commenting on the updates from nursery - he was never any good at using the app but seems like he’s figured it out) so having to remind myself of how angry I am.

He’s coming back tomorrow to talk so I have told my family and spoken with a solicitor so know what I need to do if it all goes tits up but I’m hopeful he will be as reasonable as he can be under the circumstances.

@lovemenot that’s so awful, I am definitely on my guard and not taking anything for granted

I think you should be very careful and not meet him at home - or tell him where the DC are.

After all, he was staying away to formulate his plan for 'dealing with you'. It isn't that much of a leap to think his plan, thanks to his weird friends, could be something like 'sound as normal as before on texts, be interested and chatty about the children, then once she thinks everything is OK, say you want to take the kids round to your Mum's for tea/to the park for half an hour and phase 2/keep driving until you're back with us helping you takes effect'.

JustLyra · 13/05/2021 19:15

I agree with @NeverDropYourMoonCup

I think you have to be very careful about meeting him. You shouldn't be alone with him.

He's never bothered his arse before to work out the nursery app, yet he has now? So either he is being nasty and was doing that so he didn't need to speak to you or he's been shown how to do it so you have to wonder by who and why?

It's also had the desired effect of bringing your guard down a bit and you're having to remind yourself to be angry.

You must remind yourself to be wary and suspicious. Of everything.

TeapotCollection · 13/05/2021 21:19

Agree with the others OP, you need to be very careful here. Hoping he’ll be reasonable just isn’t going to happen

Look after yourself and your children

Mix56 · 13/05/2021 21:36

don't let him take the DC anywhere

MarshmallowAra · 13/05/2021 21:41

This man has lost the plot, and it doesn't sound recent either.

You need to keep that in mind in all your interactions; keep your and your DC's safety in mind.

1Hazel1 · 13/05/2021 21:45

It sounds like he is trying to lull you into a false sense of security so he can pull off whatever plan he's spent the past however long formulating. Can you get your dad or someone to be there, or meet him on neutral ground? Too much of a coincidence that he's just suddenly worked out the nursery app.

Original poster
Abbeywell79 · 13/05/2021 22:08

Don’t worry the lunacy has returned - he’s sent me more links to the ‘truth’ and when I didn’t respond said ‘shame on you’!

I lost it and started replying with a list of all the things I have done this week (normal and additional chores he usually does, filling out the endless school forms for our eldest, planning next weeks birthday for our youngest etc), whilst putting on a smile.... and telling him to consider his priorities before coming back, but do you know what, it won’t make any difference.

He would have been drinking to write like that so will likely only reply in a slightly abusive tone and I’d rather get those points across to him when he doesn’t have time to think about his response. I don’t want to poke the bear this time of night so I might send it in the morning. Will sleep on it.

Part of me is desperate for him to come home so the boys will be happy but the other part is dreading it, despite everything I feel almost relaxed this week not having to tread on eggshells all the time and to be able to watch the news ffs. I’ve even been sleeping better! Such a ridiculous situation.

OP posts:
Redwinestillfine · 13/05/2021 22:22

Honestly op. Don't put anything in writing he can use.

kalikkma · 13/05/2021 22:23

With such extreme views, I would caution against letting him back or meeting him alone. Your priority is keeping you and the children safe. As hard as it is to acknowledge, that includes keeping yourselves safe from him!

JustLyra · 14/05/2021 00:55

@Abbeywell79

Don’t worry the lunacy has returned - he’s sent me more links to the ‘truth’ and when I didn’t respond said ‘shame on you’!

I lost it and started replying with a list of all the things I have done this week (normal and additional chores he usually does, filling out the endless school forms for our eldest, planning next weeks birthday for our youngest etc), whilst putting on a smile.... and telling him to consider his priorities before coming back, but do you know what, it won’t make any difference.

He would have been drinking to write like that so will likely only reply in a slightly abusive tone and I’d rather get those points across to him when he doesn’t have time to think about his response. I don’t want to poke the bear this time of night so I might send it in the morning. Will sleep on it.

Part of me is desperate for him to come home so the boys will be happy but the other part is dreading it, despite everything I feel almost relaxed this week not having to tread on eggshells all the time and to be able to watch the news ffs. I’ve even been sleeping better! Such a ridiculous situation.

Please read your last paragraph again and again.

You are more relaxed than normal and you are sleeping better, despite the situation.

That screams out about how you normally live.

Your boys will be happy, you’ll make sure of that. A little uncertainty now while they get used to the new situation, but a calmer and more relaxed home will do them the world of good.

billybagpuss · 14/05/2021 06:41

I agree, if you’re relaxed, sleeping and calmer without him around, what does he add to your life.

I’m sure it’s been said already but keep all the crazy texts, you may need them and reread your last paragraph over and over before meeting him today

Original poster
Abbeywell79 · 14/05/2021 07:11

Yes I’ve got screenshots of all the crazy messages. I resisted sending my rant to him and relieved I did, I know it’s driving him mad that I’m not engaging with him.

What’s bothering me now is how the logistics will work. Whilst it’s good that he’s so far away during the week it actually makes it harder when deciding how to move forward. If he lived up the road it would be easier to say well you can come and see the boys x nights a week and every other weekend but the only way he’s going to see them is by coming here and staying over (thankfully we’ve got a summer house he can sleep in but the atmosphere is going to be crap).

I just want to avoid getting solicitors involved as it will just get nasty (and expensive).

I feel so sick and am shaking at the thought of what today might bring. Going to go shopping this morning and treat myself to some nice things once I’ve dropped boys off otherwise I’m going to get myself in a state and I need to be calm and confident for later - that’s a good enough excuse for shopping isn’t it?!

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 14/05/2021 07:20

Anything's a good enough excuse for shopping Smile

ConfusedAdultFemale · 14/05/2021 07:26

Please please have someone there with you if you’re meeting him face to face, he doesn’t sound safe to be around alone at all, especially if he thinks you’ve been injected with a bio weapon. That kind of detachment from reality needs psychiatric intervention, not you trying to figure out how to co-parent. I’d be very wary about letting him near your sons until he’s got medical help, please don’t leave him alone with them either Flowers

SwanShaped · 14/05/2021 07:34

Good luck today. I read your other thread. My thoughts would be that your instinct not to engage with the delusions is right. Often, engaging in debate with someone can actually help to entrench them more. And will leave you feeling more angry. Do you think he’ll actually turn up? Seeing as he hasn’t called when he was supposed to

RandomMess · 14/05/2021 07:36

He does need to sleep in the summer house he can use a travelodge.

He could just have the boys for a few hours whilst you go out.

BUT

He is clearly unwell and tbh I don't think you should let him see the DC unsupervised. If there is no one else to do the supervision I would actually be talking to solicitors.

At some point you have to face this and it's going to mean divorce and hostility unless he suddenly wakes up and realises his false beliefs.

Melitza · 14/05/2021 07:49

Does he drink a lot?
Could you find a conspiracy theory related to drinking?
Good luck later.

2020Diary · 14/05/2021 07:52

Good luck today. Stay strong. This is an awful situation for you. 💐

Isthisit22 · 14/05/2021 07:55

You are being so strong and definitely deserve to treat yourself.
However, it is time to involve solicitors to protect your children. This man sounds crazy- it really doesn't sound safe for him to be around them or you until he's seen by a doctor.
Please try to throw off all the female conditioning to make things 'nice': things are already extremely nasty and you need to protect yourself and your children from this dangerous man.

justawoman · 14/05/2021 07:58

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

It does sound as though you’re still minimising things and trying to present a facade of everything’s ok, though. I really think you should have someone with you when you meet him (could your parents come and be in the house, in another room? Or a friend?). And that you will almost certainly need to involve a solicitor at some point if he doesn’t come to his senses, which seems unlikely.

You have no idea how he will react but he thinks you’re a danger to his children and in his kind that could justify all sorts of things. Please, please do everything you can to keep yourself and your children safe.

justawoman · 14/05/2021 07:58

*his mind

billybagpuss · 14/05/2021 08:01

I just want to avoid getting solicitors involved as it will just get nasty(and expensive).

Thing is if you think it will get nasty with solicitors, without them it will just get even nastier. They will provide the calming mediator roll that will give you support so you don’t have to engage with manipulating crazy.

billybagpuss · 14/05/2021 08:02

Oh and if you split up it’s not your job to facilitate contact, you don’t have to provide accommodation for him.

lydia2021 · 14/05/2021 08:04

Yep. We have a relative thinks theres a conspiracy against him. School, ss, parents, kids, everyone has it in for him. If he stopped juicing, he might have a clearer head.